Spoof Photos by Boston
Newlyweds: The First Year, Episode 4 by BB
Jeff and Blair are in Savannah, GA for their commitment ceremony. They have a red, white and blue party and two of the party-goers show up in the same dress (red, white and blue, of course). Blair’s friend Laura makes a toast and Jeff’s friend gives a little speech about how happy she is for Jeff and that he has lots of people who love him. Blair’s mom takes Jeff aside to reassure him that everything is going to be OK even if his parents aren’t there. I love Blair’s mom.
On the day of the commitment ceremony, Blair is having a drink with his mom and family. Jeff is alone in his room with no family. His closest friend Tracy shows up to support him and asks him how she can help him. They talk about how he couldn’t even tell her, his closest friend, he was gay, even though she already knew it. She tells Jeff he has to let go of the burden he’s carrying and be proud of who he is and that he is loved.
It’s commitment ceremony time. Jeff is wearing a white suit with a green bow tie and Blair is wearing a black suit with a polka dot bow tie. They arrive in a horse drawn carriage. Jeff is very nervous because he’s never been so public about his sexuality before. They both have tears during the ceremony and Jeff’s anxieties go away as they are saying their vows. They are declared husband and husband and everyone cheers when they seal the deal with a kiss.
At Blair’s and Jeff’s reception, Jeff gets plastered (the food looks amazing by the way). Blair loves that Jeff got tipsy and let loose. Blair tells the guests that the cake is made of three different flavors and they should try to taste all three because they are all “tri-sexual.” Then the dancing begins. You can tell Blair was in a boy band and Jeff wasn’t. But Jeff doesn’t let that stop him. Blair does the splits and splits his pants and yells “Hey Jeff, easy access!” They are my favorite couple.
Tina and Tarz are in Loma Linda, CA visiting her OB doctor to talk about getting pregnant. Tina tells her doctor she really wants a girl and is reading up about how to have a girl (like you shouldn’t have an orgasm during sex if you want a girl). Her doctor tells her that’s all crap and it’s all luck of the draw. She tells her when that child comes out, whether a boy or a girl, she will love it. She tells them to have sex once only on days 12, 14, and 16 of her cycle (that’s three times a month). If they don’t get pregnant in six months, Tina’s doctor wants to take a look at Tina’s eggs because she’s getting really, really close to being very old.
Next, Tarz and Tina are in bed where Tina has a calendar so they can figure out when to have sex to get pregnant. Tarz thinks the sex calendar is ridiculous and it doesn’t work for him at all (I guess he doesn’t really want to get pregnant). Tina also thinks it’s going to be difficult because of Tarz’ work schedule (he sometimes works for 20 hours at a time). I mean, why go to a doctor if you’re not going to take the doctor’s advice? Tina asks Tarz if he really wants to have kids. He tells her not in that structured kind of way. Tina tells him if he wants to have kids, they can’t take it lightly in a fun kind of way. Tarz is very against being told what to do and when to do it. Let’s just say he’s a very selfish kind of guy and probably shouldn’t be having a kid anytime soon if ever. Like Tina says, they must’ve gone to two separate doctor appointments. They end the conversation by Tarz saying they will play it by ear and Tina saying she will go elsewhere to get the sperm if she has to.
Tarz and Tina are in NY now and Tarz is in the gym working out with his trainer/friend. He shows him a picture of a ripped man and says he wants to look better than that. He’s been working very hard and not getting to the gym enough. He then tells his friend about the sex schedule and they joke about it. Tarz is feeling stressed about working and making a baby on schedule. He looks at it as if it’s a chore. His trainer/friend asks him what’s more important to him, work or a baby, and Tarz says he doesn’t know.
Tina is talking to Ryan, her choreographer and tells him the baby thing is not going so well inferring Tarz can’t get it up on demand. Tarz says that is not an accurate statement. They are having very little sex and Tina says she could be in a g-string and Tarz would tell her she’s cute, not sexy. Ryan shows her some sexy moves she can use to get Tarz in the mood.
Alaska and Kim are in the Harlem apartment. It’s morning and Alaska gets up and makes all kinds of noise, disturbing Kim’s sleep. Kim likes to wake up with Alaska next to her with a kiss, not with him blasting music in the morning. She gets up and says to him “really?” He gives her a half-hearted apology and then walks away when she wants five minutes of his time to talk about her work. He goes into the shower and she wants to join him. He locks the door and she’s determined to go in, even if she has to pick the lock.
Kim’s newly reupholstered antique couch has been delivered and Alaska hates it. Kim loves it. Alaska says it’s not comfortable and it’s not something you can sit on. It’s not going to work for him. Only two people can fit on the couch and he tells her he wants to be comfortable and he wants the apartment to be a home. Kim wants the apartment to look good. Kim tells him they are going to have to work it out and suggests they rearrange the room. He calls her a brat and she calls him a brat. She agreed to his red porn rug so she thinks she should get her couch. It’s always a power struggle with these two.
The Bickersons (Kim and Alaska) go to a cooking class. Kim has to cook for Alaska once a month (poor thing) and it has to be a Haitian dish. Their lesson includes some Haitian recipes. Alaska is happy to see Kim cooking his mom’s recipes. His mom is no longer living and he makes light of it instead of opening up about his true feeling of losing her as Kim thinks he should.
Kim is nagging Alaska about leaving for LA and not spending enough time with her. She tells him she loves him even though it sucks that he’s traveling so much. They really should have talked about this before they got married, especially when they both say this marriage is forever and divorce is not an option.
John has taken over a tanning salon in Suffolk County for less than the cost of a Hyundai. John is thinking about letting Kathryn run the business to keep her busy so she won’t spend so much time shopping. He thinks it would be better to keep it in the family rather than getting a business partner to run it.
John’s mentor and friend Les pays a visit to Kathryn and John’s house. They’ve had businesses together in the past and John wants his advice because Les and Les’s wife have been business partners. Les tells John to compartmentalize their partnership. Don’t talk about business at home. John is used to being the boss and Les tells him to set Kathryn up and then let her go. If she stumbles, she stumbles. John is more worried about being out thousands of dollars if she does.
At the tanning salon, Kathryn has a meeting with her staff, consisting of four young ladies (high school or college age). She tells them they are now “skin consultants.” John shows up and Kathryn feels he’s checking up on her. He wants to do the books and she thinks he’s being controlling. He hands out W-2 forms for the staff to fill out. John says he’s being honest when he says he sees Kathryn as more of an employee than a business owner. Kathryn wants to make some changes to the salon and John is afraid to give her access to a lot of money.
Remember a couple of weeks ago when John and Kathryn were opening their wedding cards and I wanted to know how much cash they received? $40,500. Wowzers! Is this normal?