Real Housewives of Orange County
***WARNING*** This episode is predominately about 5 girls whooping it up in Puerto Vallarta for a bachelorette party. It’s filled with drinking, dancing and stripping. It is not for the faint of heart. There is a lot of talk about men’s genitalia. It culminates in a petting zoo scene featuring a couple of guys whose life ambition is to make us all physically ill. Read the blog of this episode at your own risk. Keep in mind that once you read things – You cannot unread them – It’s just not possible. No amount of bleach will help! The blogger promises to do her best to be as delicate as possible – but sometimes you just have to call a “dildo” a “dildo.” You have been warned…
Last week, we left our two delicate flowers named Heather and Gretchen in a limo crying their eyes out about how they were left behind as orphans on the streets of Mexico. Meanwhile, Tamra, Vicki and Lydia are literally dancing through those same scary streets of Puerto Vallarta.
As Gretchen and Heather continue to commiserate in the limo about how Vicki always plays by her own rules – Footage of Tamra squatting while dancing on top of the bar at “Andales” is shown… Some icky guy is bending his head backwards to within inches from her “down there” region as I reach for the “Extra Strength – Tums.” It’s going to be a long night. The thing is that these girls are wearing flashy blinking bow headbands that light up – So really, can any of us take them too seriously? These are girls who clearly just want to have fun. The stick in the muds are still in the limo whining about not knowing where the others are and lamenting that they were left behind. If you remember, last episode Vicki mentioned at least 84 times that she wanted to take the girls to “Andales.” Anyone with half a brain would know that’s exactly where they went, no? Since she’s so freakin’ mad at Vicki for leaving them there, Gretchen decides to get back at her by telling Heather all about her discussion with Lauri. Gretchen looks right at the camera as if to make sure the camera guy knew that what she was about to say was important and that they were “rolling tape.” Gosh, there are only two of you in this limo, Gretch – I’m sure the camera guy has no problem figuring out where to point his camera. But then again, perhaps he was busy on his phone trying to get directions to “Andales” because certainly he knew he would be having way more fun there at this point. The camera guy was probably still cranky at the other camera crew for beating him in their rock/paper/scissors/lizard/Spock throw down that won them the job of following the fun girls. Alas, he was stuck with the Debbie Downers group. Gretchen tells Heather that Vicki has been lying and cheating on Don for many years and that Lauri was privy to it all. In her talking head, Heather wonders why Gretchen is telling her all of this information. Is it because she’s mad at Vicki and wants to punish her? Heather doesn’t really want to know about it. Heather tells Gretchen to her face, “They’re divorced… Who cares?” Gretchen gets all indignant and tells Heather that maybe she doesn’t care but that Gretchen sure does because Vicki had accused Gretchen of cheating on her dying fiancé while Vicki was simultaneously cheating on Don. So yes, she cares. Gretchen says Vicki cries then everyone feels bad for her – but she’s thinks she’s full of crap. Gretchen does a disgusting hand gesture – I really wish she wouldn’t do that. But, money can’t buy you class.
The fun girls are having fun dancing and doing creative boob shots at “Adales.” Tamra is surprised that Lydia has been keeping up with them. I’m sure Tamra thought that Lydia was going to be the stick in the mud on this trip. Lydia says, “We’re in Mexico…Yay Ooo!” Actually, she sounded more like the yodeling girl from the Swiss Miss Chocolate Cocoa box than an adult out on the town whooping it up – but at least she tried.
Gretchen and Heather, the Martyrs, decide to get a cab back to the hotel even though the others “left us on a street corner in Mexico” because they were unsure how late at night the taxis ran. Okay, Puhleeze! 1) You were safely in a limo in front of the highfalutin upscale restaurant located right next to an art gallery that Heather suggested; 2) You knew where the others were going – you just chose not to meet them there; 3) You’ve been to Puerto Vallarta several times so you must know your way around by now; and, 4) You are in a freakin’ limo whose job it is to take you wherever you guys want to go – He could have taken you back to the hotel and then he could have driven back to pick up the others – Isn’t that what they’re paid to do? Give me a break. They hail a cab and seem to be somewhat confused that it’s a taxi van – and momentarily Gretchen seems to not understand how to open the door. Heather explains that the doors slide open like a minivan. For some reason this amuses me. Gretchen mutters that the others are acting like they don’t give a rat’s ass about what they did to them. I bet they don’t give a “wrath of furry’s” ass, either. The fun girls are continuing to dance in the streets and on top of taxicabs. Wouldn’t it have been funny if they had danced on top of the taxivan that Gretchen and Heather were in? Tamra declares that there is no one better to party with than Vicki.
Gretchen and Heather arrive back at their palatial, cavernous and empty bachelorette hotel suite. They talk about what they’re going to say to the others about the situation. Heather says that Tamra had a great time even though their feelings were hurt and that maybe it’s a conversation for another time. There’s really no good reason why they were left behind – Well, other than the fact you both said you wanted to make an early night of it. Even though they were wronged so severely, they were worried about the wellbeing of the others. Really? If you were really that worried – You would have taken the limo and gone looking for them. Heather doesn’t want to make a big deal about it – but Gretchen clearly does.
It is 2:00 AM in the morning and Lydia is so tired. Tamra knows that Heather is not going to be excited about this. As the fun girls are talking in the limo on their way to the hotel – Vicki tries to reason that they didn’t want to purposefully hurt their feelings. She turns to Lydia and says, “I think you asked if they wanted come and they said no, right?” Lydia looks at Vicki as if she was an alien and says, “No.” Vicki outright asks, “So, who are we blaming?” Tamra immediately says, “You.” Lydia chimes in a beat later, “You.” Vicki does not want them to blame her because she’s already in trouble all the time. They decide they know the others will be upset, but it’s fine – they’ll just apologize. After all, they didn’t want to come anyway – and so the stick in the muds did what they wanted and the fun girls did what they wanted. Surely, it’s a win/win, no? lolol… Ummm… No! Tamra tells us that it was never her intention to ditch Gretchen and Heather – but at that moment she was so drunk that she really didn’t care.
They get to the hotel, but they can barely unfold themselves to get out of the limo they’re so drunk. For some reason, they all seem to be barefooted. They’re not looking forward to apologizing at 2:00 AM. As they enter the door, Vicki is saying, “Let the drama begin” It’s way too funny to Vicki that Gretchen and Heather missed out on a good party and that Gretchen specifically missed out on having fun with Tamra. For some reason, they feel compelled to knock on Heather’s door. As they enter the room they’re saying they’re sorry. “Well, coming in with your sparkly ears doesn’t really make me feel a lot better.” It took Tamra all of 2 seconds to throw Vicki under the bus and she tells Heather that it was all Vicki’s idea. However, it was the logistics that were throwing Heather off. When they originally were leaving the restaurant, they were all in the bathroom at the same time. She was asked how long she stayed in the restroom – and Heather responded that it wasn’t long at all – it was only long enough for her to “powder her nose” and that her nose surely isn’t that big.
Gretchen pokes her nicely powdered nose into the doorway and snottily says, “It looks like you had fun, Vicki.” She was assured that they indeed, had fun. She was told that Tamra danced on a taxicab. The problem with this situation is that these girls are all drunk and everything is funny to them at that moment. Gretchen is trying to reason with the fun girls. “I’m glad you think it’s funny… When you left the restaurant you weren’t drunk so I don’t understand,” accuses Gretchen. Tamra is just so danged drunk she’s can’t help but laugh. Gretchen tells Tamra that she should go get the suitcase full of stuff that she brought. Gretchen is mad this all seems so funny to them. She tells them it really hurt her feelings. Tamra says that she’s sorry. Gretchen tells Tamra that she doesn’t know why the f*** would she just run off like that. Tamra instinctively blames someone else and immediately points at Vicki. Gretchen stomps off saying that she should have f***’n known. Tamra admits that it was stupid. Heather thinks it was thoughtless and doesn’t understand why after time had elapsed that the fun girls didn’t come back and look for them.
The fun girls leave and go to Tamra’s room. Vicki thinks that it put Gretchen over the top because Tamra couldn’t stop herself from laughing the whole time they were talking to Heather and Gretchen. Tamra tells Vicki she’s better off without her because the very first time she hangs out and has fun with her she gets in trouble. Vicki wonders if Tamra ever actually said that she was sorry to Gretchen. She didn’t – and so Vicki tells Tamra she screwed up and that Vicki’s “plan worked.” Lydia tells Vicki that she’s evil. Vicki tries to convince her that really, she’s the nicest person ever but that she just shouldn’t ever cross her. Vicki and Lydia get up to leave to go to their rooms. After they’re gone, Tamra notices a lil sprinkle mark was left on the comforter of her bed. As Vicki and Lydia walk through the door – you see a little wet stain on the back of Vicki’s skirt. Someone must have drunk a little too much and laughed a little too hard thus leaking a “wee” bit. Bravo did not need to show this to us. Really, they didn’t. Hey Tamra, I hear Kim Richards has a pillow to go with that comforter!
The next morning, Gretchen, Tamra, Heather and Lydia meet in the hotel lobby. Gretchen, our cruise director, chirps to the girls, “Good morning, girls!” She tells them they’re going to go check out the town and get some culture in while they’re there.” Tamra has decided she is just going to do whatever the heck Gretchen wants her to do for the rest of the trip. Vicki comes down and joins the team. Gretchen very sarcastically thanks Vicki for showing up this morning. Vicki gleefully says, “You’re welcome” and continues to walk out the lobby door and into the waiting limo, leaving the rest of the girls in her dust. Gretchen assures us that she is just going to be a “bigger person and move on.” Do you believe her? Nope, me neither. They make Tamra put on her “Bride to Be” sash. Hector is their tour guide for the day. They suddenly all have Champaign flutes in their hands – their straws were shaped like a man’s hangie down thingie. As they’re touring around, the tour guide is pointing out different sights in the city. He points out a famous seahorse sculpture. It turns out that’s where they bought the glowing bow headbands the night before. Lydia, the post stirrer, asks if they’re all okay with what happened last night. Heather says she felt really sad that they had been left behind but that in the spirit of having a fun weekend that they’re just going to move on. Gretchen concurs. Lydia is not convinced all has been forgiven – She thinks they still have some issues and they should talk about it and that they’re all living in some kind of weird purgatory right now. She seems to want to handle any issues directly so they can all get over it. Hector takes our limo of fun-loving girls to a bull ring. Yes, cuz nothing says “Fun, bachelorette party” like a good bullfight. As they walk into the arena, they are the only people in the entire place. There is a very, very young bull in the middle of the bullring. They decide for some inexplicable reason to name the bull. Tamra decides he should be called “Navarro” since it was Eddie’s biological last name before he was adopted. The matador walks out and the women started making comments about his tight butt. Gretchen doesn’t want to watch. Vicki assures her that everyone is going to be fine. Lydia finds it comical that Gretchen picked this as an activity for them to do on a bachelorette weekend. “No bueno on bachelorette weekend.” After they all get back into the limo and are on their way to the next fun-filled destination, the fun girls are talking about how much fun they had the previous night and Lydia mentioned that it “made the trip.” Heather calls out Lydia on what she said, “Did you just say that made the trip?” Heather thinks the comment was rude. Gretchen confirms to Heather that Lydia indeed just said that. Lydia tells them they keep saying sorry. Heather says she and Gretchen weren’t a part of that fun – so that it’s a bummer for them. Vicki says there are two nights – thus implying there is still time to have fun. Heather thinks they’re purposefully pouring salt into their wound. Under her breath and for Heather’s ears only, Gretchen tells her at least she got an, “I’m sorry” since Gretchen didn’t even get that much. Lydia does not let Gretchen get away with her passive aggressiveness and tells Gretchen to say whatever she has to say directly to her face. Lydia says that they screwed up and that they apologized for it. Gretchen insists she is not trying to make it an issue. Lydia says, “Gretchen, what do you want me to do – give you my next born child?” In her talking head, Lydia says that she is so done with Gretchen because she snapped at her so she washes her hands of her. Awww, poor lil Gretchen isn’t getting enough attention from her BFF so she begins to cry. Boo freakin’ hoo. Tamra is there consoling her. Isn’t that just the cutest lil thang? Vicki explains to us her perspective that they just wanted to go have fun… and Gretchen and Heather chose to go home and put on their pajamas on and now they’re upset about it. Gretchen is just hurt. Gretchen then starts calling Vicki a hypocrite. She thinks everything Vicki does is hypocritical. Vicki thinks Gretchen is not using the right word and tells her to pick another one. Vicki, of course, does not yet know about Gretchen’s lil talk with Lauri. Vicki tells Gretchen that she knows what it’s like to be left behind and she thinks Gretchen should just get over it. Gretchen tells Vicki, “You’re such a f****n’ b***.”
The girls are down at the pool to chill and have some drinks. Oh, good, Lydia is wearing one of her headbands! (Insert eye roll here.) Gretchen arrives in what can only be described as a bikini harem costume. She has a silvery sparkly bikini top on that was probably never intended to actually be used as a swimsuit. I suddenly feel the urge to push her into the pool. Not sure why, I just do. I told you before – Never trust me around a pool – Especially if you’re trying too hard to be cool. Gretchen has in her hand some honking gift bags. She tells them that the whole point of the trip is to have fun and be silly. She made custom bags for each one of the girls with their initial on it. I think it’s odd that she’s giving them to them when they’re out at a pool, but okay. Vicki wonders if there are any “Gretchen Christine” products in them – and she was not disappointed. Gretchen then talks about the lip gloss that she included that makes your lips all tingly. Everyone laughs – and Tamra blurts out that last night they were laughing so hard that Vicki actually peed on the bed. In her talking head, Vicki owns up to her “leakage” issue.
Tamra wants to go on a walk and Gretchen wants to go with her. Vicki cannot resist pushing Gretchen’s buttons and tells them to enjoy a walk along the beach, hold hands and sing kumbayah. Gretchen doesn’t understand why Vicki is so negative. Tamra tells Vicki that she and Gretchen have been through a lot – and Vicki tells her that she and Tamra have, too. With tongue firmly in her cheek, Vicki tells them to, “Okay, well, enjoy your bracelets!” Neither Tamra nor Gretchen is pleased. They don’t understand why they can’t all be friends. Tamra wants to know why Vicki feels the need to constantly bring up the BFF thing? Gretchen thinks Vicki always talks down to her. She’s right, she does. Vicki thinks Gretchen presents herself as a perfect pretty little princess. Gretchen tells her that is her own insecurity and that she never said she was a princess. Gretchen walks off before she might, “Kill the b***.” Vicki says she doesn’t have insecurities. As Gretchen and Tamra walk off, Vicki is incredulous that Gretchen said that to her – since she wouldn’t want to ever be anything like Gretchen for the world. Tamra tells us that this is not the bachelorette party she was hoping for and she just wants to have some fun, dagnabit! Tamra, darling, this is your 3rd marriage – and you’ve had multiple “bachelorette parties.” People even paid money to go to some of them. Sit yourself down.
Since this was the first time Tamra had a chance to talk about Vicki behind her back to Gretchen, she tells her that Vicki thinks that Gretchen stole Tamra from Vicki. Tamra continues to say that Vicki said something at the end of the night that really bothers her. Tamra divulged that Vicki said, “My plan worked.” Tamra explains that she thinks Vicki’s plan was to hurt Gretchen in some way. Meanwhile, you see Vicki talking to Lydia and Heather about how Gretchen doesn’t respect her and that she doesn’t respect Gretchen, either. Inexplicably, Vicki says that she thinks Gretchen should look at her like she’s her mentor. Yes, because I would consider someone who calls me, “Stupid” to be a wonderful mentor for me! Both Lydia and Heather think that Vicki competes with Gretchen for Tamra’s friendship. This concept is flabbergasting to Vicki. Meanwhile, on a beach, far, far away – Gretchen is asking Tamra why it is that when someone starts to get close to her that she pushes them away. And, cue the tears… (blubber, blubber, blubber). Tamra responds, “I don’t want to be the person that makes excuses for their life” but then she continues on and makes excuses for her life. She explains that her dad grew up in an abusive family and her mother was raised by someone who was schizophrenic. Neither of them knew how to love or to express their feelings. She was raised not to cry or to say “I love you.” Tamra had her first thought of suicide at 12. At 21, Tamra was hospitalized when she tried to commit suicide. Gretchen tells her that she’s so sorry. Tamra continues to clarify, that when people get close to her she feels like they’re going to leave her. Gretchen never understood before where Tamra was coming from. Tamra tells her that no one cares. Tamra says she’s drawn to people like Vicki because Vicki never gets too deep nor does she ask too many questions. Or perhaps it’s because she’s fun, who knows? Then you see Lydia and Vicki as they watch Tamra and Gretchen talking together and Vicki just can’t help but laugh at the situation. She thinks that Gretchen is just reeling in Tamra again. Lydia tries to tell her it’s nothing personal.
It is 39 minutes into the episode and we get our first sight of Alexis. Who? Lol… She and Jim are going out for dinner. Alexis tells us that you don’t really need a lot of other stuff in your life if you have a good marriage. For instance, you don’t even really think about not being at a bachelorette party. As evidence of her never thinking at all about the bachelorette party to which she was never invited, she proceeds to tell Jim about a telephone call she received from Lydia. Evidently, Lydia told Alexis that she thinks there is going to be strippers at the party and she doesn’t know quite how to handle it when she doesn’t want to stick around for that portion of the party. Alexis tells her she shouldn’t care if they’re upset that she’s not going to stay for the strippers. Jim tells Alexis that’s enough of that subject – and he wants to be left out of anything that has to do with “those women.” The subject changes and they start talking about their house. Alexis thinks they may eventually grow out of it. Jim tells her that she’s the only woman he knows that can outgrow a 6,000 square foot home. Alexis assures him they will when they have 4 children. Captain Obvious tells her they only have 3 children. (Note: I actually thought as I was watching it, that this was Alexis’ cute way of telling Jim they’re pregnant… but I was wrong… she was just announcing that she wanted to have a 4th.) Jim concedes that maybe they will have another child 5 years from now. Alexis wants one in six months. (Okay, again… is this her saying that she is already 3 months pregnant… Is it that she wants to start trying in 6 months… Or is it that she just doesn’t remember it takes 9 months?) Even though Alexis was on the screen for less than 5 minutes during this entire episode, she provides us with this week’s installment of, “I kid you not.” Alexis actually says, “You may be faster, but I will outrun you – You know what that means.” Ummm… no, actually I don’t because it really makes no sense whatsoever. I’ve gotta laugh because Jim tells her that he doesn’t know what she means, either. She says it means that she will always win. This made Jim lose his appetite. It made me lose mine, too.
Tamra arrives in a tin foil tinsel dress. Seriously, her dress designer was “Reynolds.” Fortunately, she’s right at home because the hotel room is all decorated with cutsie penis themed decorations. Now, while I love a theme as much as the next person… and having some penis paraphernalia at a bachelorette party is required by law, there’s just a certain line between fun and overboard. But at least it was fun… or at least it started out that way. They start drinking and having a good time. There are some gifts on a table and Tamra has to open them one at a time. The first gift she opens is from Gretchen and they are blinking, “Pecker earrings.” (Yeah, I can’t believe I just typed that, either.) They’re having surf and turf for dinner and the chef assures her that it’s erotically no, exotically spiced. Lydia’s box from Victoria’s Secret contains a French maid outfit. She also gave Tamra a box of cake mix – that’s devil’s food and is super moist (Insert gratuitous sexual innuendos here). They are continuously doing shots of some kind. Heather gives her “Part 1” of her gift – which ends up being a “blinged out whip.” Tamra thinks Heather is so confusing. Heather tells her she just likes to keep Tamra guessing. Tamra then gets some other stuff from Heather: A pregnancy test kit; hand sanitizer that’s called, “Maybe you touched your genitals”; and rubber gloves. Heather is really enjoying herself – well, so is Tamra – but this is one of the rare times you see Heather really smiling.
Okay, Vicki’s gift is next… Surprise! It’s a honkin’ dildo! And no, I don’t mean a dildo that honks… It’s holy crap on a cracker, HUGE! Vicki tells Tamra that Briana picked it out for her which surprises Tamra. Bravo cracks me up at this point – because they blurred out the box and the dildo itself. However, they did not blur out the foot high penis glass and straw sitting in the foreground of the table. At least that’s what it looked like to me… After seeing said dildo, Gretchen is shrieking, “What do you do with that?” “You put it in Eddie’s butt,” explains Vicki. They all scream in disbelief. Vicki says that’s what the person at the counter told her. In her talking head, Tamra, who just can’t help but snipe at people says, “Like mother, like daughter.” As dinner is winding down, Lydia takes the opportunity to exit, stage left. She tells everyone that she’s going back to her room to talk to her hubster. She thanks everyone for being sweet and fun.
Lydia left just in time because the doorbell rings. “Oy, here we go” says Heather. Two skanky guys walk in and tell Tamra they have something for her. Ugh. KMN (Kill me now)! Gretchen then starts to sexily say how they left something at the bull ring… something mighty big! Oh, I get it – they’re dressed as matadors. I dunno, I think she was trying to be witty, I guess. As the saying goes, some people are so dumb, that if they threw themselves on the ground, they’d miss. Honestly, I was distracted by the fact there was no music to go with the strippers. I guess I was looking for anything to distract me from the strippers themselves. One of the guys kneels in front of Tamra and puts his head in between her legs inside her skirt – really far up. Heather starts spraying “Febreze” around everywhere. She is already horrified. So am I. Gretchen pulls him away from Tamra but somehow gets in on the action because the guy then pushes Gretchen’s head towards Tamra’s happy place. Arms are flailing… things are gyrating… Stars is vomiting… The other guy starts working on Vicki and this is even too much for her. A couple of sandwiches are made including two girls and two guys… and three girls and two guys… and Heather just sits aghast wearing rubber gloves and spraying room freshener around the room. At one point Vicki says she thinks that she just got pregnant. These aren’t Vicki’s type of strippers. Good to know… One of the guys takes the side of Tamra’s head and rubs it against his unmentionable area… and I have to close my eyes… Yikes!
When I open my eyes again, Tamra says that she wants Gretchen to pee on the pregnancy stick right then and there. Yes, right there in the middle of the kitchen/dining room floor… She spreads her legs and tries really hard but isn’t going to do it. And finally, because revenge is always better served cold, Heather suggests they let Vicki pee on the stick because evidently she can pee anywhere. Oh, snap! Gretchen thrusts the pee stick in between Vicki’s legs and up her dress while Tamra tells her to laugh really hard cuz then she’ll pee. Gretchen and Tamra even tweak Vickie’s brar area to get her to laugh. Vicki is so not amused. Okay again… in this scenario, who would actually get the last laugh? The person peeing… or the idiot that’s holding the stick?
Whew, it’s the next morning (finally). Tamra says that when she thinks of a bachelorette party she thinks of drinking and penises so she can check that off her list. They decide to let Gretchen sit at the head of the table because she planned everything. In a truly genuine sounding voice, Vicki says that was sweet. Gretchen comes in and can barely even sit in the chair she’s still so wobbly. Lydia walks in and says it smells really good in there (the chefs were making some great looking food). Tamra asks Lydia if it smells like “stripper” in there? Tamra doesn’t understand how Lydia can dance on top of cars and in front of men but doesn’t want to see a stripper. Tamra is glad she had time to bond again with Vicki on this trip but she’s not sure how Gretchen is going to react if they become friends again. Tamra thinks that because Gretchen doesn’t like Vicki that she’s going to get pissed off at Tamra for being her friend. Ahhh… 3rd graders… You gotta love ‘em!
I’ve already taken 3 showers… How many more is it going to take to get over this episode?
Newlyweds: The First Year, Episode 6 by BB
These couples are starting to get on my last nerve. Did any of them sit down and really think this marriage thing through before taking the plunge? I mean they aren’t young, inexperienced 20-somethings (with the exception of maybe Blair).
Tarz and Tina (Married 4 months, 3 weeks): Tina is complaining about how much different Tarz is now from when they first met. All she had to do was walk around and it would turn him on. Well that was what, four or five years ago? Get real. He tries to assure her she’s still desirable but there are other factors going on. She wants him to get away from his computer and for them to “look into each other’s eyes.” She wants to go out and have fun more, not just sit home and watch movies together. She thought their first year of marriage would be more lovey, dovey. Tarz tells her they have responsibilities and they aren’t kids anymore. Tina feels lonely and neglected. She’s not used to Tarz working nonstop and her being the stay at home moron since she quit touring. Tina tells Tarz he can’t be like that when they have a child because she’s not raising a child alone. Tarz tells Tina he won’t be a workaholic when a child comes, but she’s not convinced and it’s kind of scary for her to think about. Tarz feels bad that Tina feels lonely. He fully expected to scale back on work after they got married and he knows he has failed in that expectation.
This next part is silly to me so I’m gonna gloss over it. The monthly crazy out of the comfort zone thing they are doing this month is a couples’ nude photography session. Tina thinks it will bring them closer together. Tina is way over the top with a tacky costume, glitter and everything. The photographer says no, it should be natural. He thinks it should be just Tarz, Tina and their souls. Tarz sides with the photographer. Tina finally gives in and they take photos wearing boob cups (her) and thongs (him and her). Tina and Tarz seem to make a connection and at the end of the photoshoot, Tarz tells Tina she was the real natural Tina, not the over the top attention seeking sexy Tina. He prefers the natural Tina (even though she’s still wearing tons of makeup) and she realizes she doesn’t have to try so hard to get his attention. Tarz finds her more attractive when she’s just herself.
Tina tells the camera she’s a week late. Could she be pregnant?
John and Kathryn (Married seven months): John and Kathryn only dated six months before getting engaged. Kathryn decided to give up working, move to the burbs, and become a homemaker. Additionally, they decided to become pregnant immediately. Now Kathryn is finding out just what an insensitive clod her husband John really is. His friend comes over to “help” paint the baby’s room because Kathryn wants John to participate in preparation for the baby. John wants to give the impression of starting to paint the room, but then have his friend take over the job. Kathryn comes in to tell him the tanning bed at the salon is not working. John takes over and calls the salon to straighten it out. Kathryn doesn’t want John to undermine her decisions about the salon. Well, then she should have taken care of the problem herself and not gone running to John about it. John laughs at Kathryn’s attempt to solve the problem herself and Kathryn sees that as John thinking she’s “uncapable” (her word). They are both on cell phones trying to solve the problem and John keeps shushing her and asking her to be quiet while he’s on the phone. What a jerk.
A few weeks later, John and Kathryn are at the baby store registering for gifts they want for the baby. Kathryn realizes she knows nothing about a newborn. John is having trouble getting used to the fact that the baby is going to be the main focus of all the love and attention. What a jerk. Later at a mixed gender baby shower for Kathryn, John continues being a jerk by acting bored and not getting with the program. He’s not getting any attention and he’s acting like a big baby. The shower is kind of disorganized. They play a game where they try to guess the size of Kathryn’s girth. Of course, John is way over the mark. Her dad guesses it exactly. At least her dad is supportive. Kathryn and John’s family are not gelling the way Kathryn hoped. John’s sister Ellen makes a jerky speech at the shower, about how she hopes she’s included in future pictures, how she can’t believe they got pregnant so fast after getting married, and about how she won’t be available to babysit on Friday or Saturday nights. John tells his sister what a beautiful speech that was. Kathryn can’t believe it and hopes Ellen feels better now that she’s gotten everything off her chest.
John and Kathryn arrive home with all the shower loot and John has figured out they got about $3,500 worth of stuff. It’s all about the material things to John. What a jerk. They unload the SUV and pile the stuff on John’s pool table, which Kathryn says is the new playroom since John agreed to sell the pool table to his friend. Ellen can’t believe John is giving up his pool room. Kathryn asks John when the pool table is going to be outta there and he tells her in front of everybody he hasn’t 100 percent decided about taking away the pool table but he just hadn’t told her yet. Kathryn tells him he can’t go back on his promise, but John thought they were just talking about it. His sister has her arm on John’s shoulder while this discussion is going on. It’s a little weird, like she’s Teresa Guidice and Kathryn is the evil Melissa who has taken her baby brother away from her. He tries to tell her how classy a home is with a pool table and she tells him he’s not ready to be a father. She starts crying and tells him it’s no joke and their whole life is going to change. His sister says they are not there yet, laughing while John is smirking. Kathryn tells them it’s no joke, she’s not kidding. I’d like to smack the smirks off both John and Ellen’s faces.
Later Kathryn shows John the finished nursery and he tells her how beautiful it is how it gives him chills. He seems insincere to me, but I think he’s a big jerk anyway. I feel kind of sorry for Kathryn but if she knew John was like this and still married him, shame on her. If she didn’t know, she probably should have taken time to get to know him better before marrying him and getting pregnant immediately.
Blair and Jeff (Married 7 months): Blair and Jeff met in 2010, so they at least knew each other a few years before getting hitched. Trouble is, they didn’t really do their homework about what a registered domestic partnership means in the State of California. California is a community property state. Add to that the federal government doesn’t recognize domestic partnerships, and you have a confusing mess. Now they are dealing with real life issues like estates and finances and such. Jeff goes on his own to meet with an estate attorney to get some clarity about his and Blair’s issues. The attorney asks why Blair isn’t with him and why he came alone. Jeff explains how touchy the issue is with Blair and how Jeff never gets a word in edgewise when they discuss it. Jeff NOW realizes there are a lot of legal and financial things to deal with. Welcome to married life, Jeff. The attorney asks Jeff if he wants to keep his house separate or share with Blair. Jeff wants to look it as a business arrangement and the attorney reminds him marriage isn’t a business. Jeff doesn’t trust Blair to handle financial matters because he doesn’t see him as responsible enough. Should have thought about that before he married him.
Later, both are going to meet with a financial planner (not the estate attorney). Before that, Jeff tries to explain to Blair what the estate attorney told him at the meeting about joint ownership of the house. Blair says it’s very confusing to him and he should have been included in the meeting with the estate attorney. He feels ganged up on and overwhelmed. Jeff wants to join their finances and split all the expenses down the middle. Blair says he’s not paying for a house that isn’t his. Blair also has trust issues because of his parent’s nasty divorce. He doesn’t want to pay for a mortgage without his name on it and then if Jeff leaves, he has nothing. Jeff tells Blair it’s like he’s investing into the house and Blair says bull (while he’s using an eyelash curler, sorry, but that amuses me). Jeff says Blair is too emotional and he needs to get educated about it and grow up and take care of his own finances instead of letting someone else do it for him, like his dad. At the meeting, the financial planner explains about the confusing laws. If Jeff puts Blair’s name on the house, the federal government would tax it as a gift, so Blair realizes Jeff would take a big hit and it would not be a good idea. Jeff assures Blair that if he dies, he would get the house. Blair is OK with this. The financial planner tells them to put everything in writing. They need wills, living trusts, etc. Blair is finally getting proactive and involved which makes Jeff happy.
Kim and Alaska (Married 7 months): Alaska is in New York and he has surprised Kim with some new bikes so they can go for a ride and have lunch together. During lunch, Kim asks if he can change his flight to LA on Sunday, but he says he can’t because he has to be back at work on Monday. She doesn’t want to relocate to LA because she would have to start her career over and wouldn’t have a support system there. While she’s telling him this, he’s busy texting on his phone. She’s getting frustrated that Alaska is starting to put the walls up again and not willing to discuss the situation. In my opinion, the living arrangements should have been settled before they said “I do.” She finally gets frustrated at the texting and he apologizes for his job spilling over into their time, but he doesn’t stop the texting and has a stupid grin on his face while he’s doing it. He finally tells Kim he has to head out and leaves her there alone at the table. What a jerk. Kim is thinking the situation had better change soon.
Kim and Alaska go to the Haitian food market so Kim can make dinner for his family. He opens up about his deceased mom and Kim is surprised, but happy that he’s talking about her. Kim agrees to make Alaska his favorite meal when he comes back to town, just like his mom did when she was living. Alaska tells Kim he pushes his mom to the back of his mind as much as he can because it doesn’t help to talk about her. Detached is the way he deals with it. Kim thinks it’s cold. When Alaska talks about going back to his mom’s house and seeing the chair she used to sit in, he starts getting teary-eyed. He tells Kim that’s why he doesn’t like to talk about her. Kim feels sorry for him, but thinks it’s good for him to talk about it and it helps strengthen their bond.
After tonight’s episode, I’m starting to like Tina and Tarz a little more, John less and less, Blair and Jeff a little less than I did at first, and Kim and Alaska the same; I never quite warmed up to them from the get go.
Happy Birthday ValleyVal and Jules