Here we go again folks.. Real Housewives Of New Jersey or, as I like to call it, Crapfest 2013 part 3. Don’t worry if you missed it, there is plenty more to go and I doubt there was a scene in this show that wasn’t A) Scripted, B) filmed in the order we were shown, or C) remotely believable. Plus it will run a hundred more times before the reunion, 2 or 3 tonight at least. Then it will run some more. If that isn’t enough for you, I can point it out online where you can watch it commercial free. Sarcasm aside, Let’s pick it apart a little bit. One thing I need to get out of the way here is this. If it looks like I’m playing favorites, I’m not. I hate (or strongly dislike) all of them. This may not be in the order it was shown, it doesn’t matter, we didn’t see it in the order it happened. I am writing here as if everything here happened as we actually saw it (but you’re all smarter than that)..
We see Teresa at the gym with her friend Linda (?) working out. They are talking about Gia’s 12th birthday party (12, remember that). It’s going to be a coed party, her first one and she (Teresa) is nervous that boys are going to be there. Discussion of if Joey will be there, T doesn’t know but hopes so. Cut to some ice cream place (I think) where JoeT and Gia are having a few scoops. He’s drilling her a little bit on her interest in boys. Have any talked to her, asked her out, etc. She says people in her group do date… Okay.. Joe goes into telling Gia about boys and what they expect and she’s not to kiss until she’s 21. Good luck with that Joe. Apparently there was some argument between Gia and Milania.. I guess Milania is joking about the hair on Gia’s ‘grill’… I’ll let you draw your own conclusions, I’ve drawn mine. JoeT wants to know if Milania thinks Gia has hair on her teeth.. and I’ll leave you with that. Other stuff comes up, like smoking. She swears she never will because of what Nono (Grandpa?) is going through. Joe tells her it will stunt her growth anyway and she calls him a midget (Apparently he tops out at about 5’2″ according to one of our FB friends).
Now, we are at the Laurita mcmansion. They have bought some sort of oxygenated air bubble bed for Nicolas. Great. If it helps him, I’m all for it. That’s enough of that except to say that this is the first time I’ve heard Jac use the word Spectrum when it comes to her son. Here’s the really important part. Baby Joey has adopted these people as his replacement family. I guess the Marco sisters aren’t enough for him and he certainly doesn’t want to see his sister (we get to that a little later). After we get the demonstration of the new bed, they are in the living room and Momz drops the bomb on Jac that Teresa expects her to apologize. Pigs will fly first but we’ll get to him in a moment.
TH Jac perpetuates the lie that Teresa (or Joey) asked Momz to be a mediator in this feud. We know it wasn’t Teresa because Momz talked to Joey first. Remember their play date? Either she really does have concrete for a brain or Momz has gotten to her before this TH was filmed. I know that’s the lie that they want us to believe but in spite of editing, they can’t change WHAT someone says. Momz initiated the phone call to Baby Joey and She made the offer. He accepted. Let’s have that straight. For the record, according to her on the show, Melissa wants Momz and everyone else to butt out.
Now Momz turns her attention to Joey. Tells him that when it came to Kathy or Jac, Teresa really couldn’t care less. When His name was brought up however, out came the tears. She says she was asked to invite him to meet with Teresa at some point. He reluctantly agrees and I’ll just leave that there.
Not sure of the order here but let’s pay a visit to the Wakilies. Joseph and Aunt Rosie have taken Richie’s Ferrari for a spin.. Rosie wants to be the fun aunt, not the stick in the mud like his mother. As they are joy riding around, Rich and Kathy come home and note the odd absence of the car. Meanwhile Aunt Rosie is filling the kid’s head with what a great chic magnet that car is.. All I can see is a $125,000 or so car being driven on busy roads by a kid that barely knows how to drive a stick shift, in freezing rain (according to Kathy). So the two of them pull up in the drive way and parent Wakilies are pissed. Well, Kathy is. Richie is happy that his son enjoyed the joy ride making Kathy the bad guy. She’s giving it to her sister for allowing this to happen. I can’t with these people anymore. Bottom line, the kid took the car, shouldn’t have whether Rosie was there or not, and probably should have been punished. That little stunt would have cost me getting my drivers license for at least 6 months. We weren’t Richie rich though.
In what appears to be an odd next scene, we see Teresa and Joe driving off. However, Joe, is driving. Not poorly but I thought he didn’t have a license. Is he on some kind of restricted like his wife’s second cousin and can drive with an adult in the car? or did he just give the prosecutors in his case, ammo? I honestly don’t know which.. It doesn’t matter at this point, Teresa is on the phone with her mother. Seems Papa Gorga has been taken to the hospital, early Sunday morning, with pneumonia by ambulance. Baby Joey couldn’t take him, says Mama Gorga, because he is sick too. (Both the day and the mode of transport are important here). Teresa is freaking out a bit about all that is happening with her parents. She can’t live with out them (figuratively, I think) as if they go, the closest family member she has left, is her brother. Note she didn’t mention the Joe to her left. Her brother is all about his immediate family (so he says) and she is about the extended. Teresa, Sweetie, Your husband is right. It happens, it is what it is, we just have to deal with it. You too will someday belong to this club. They get to the hospital and the scene ends with them walking in.
Within that scene, we cut to the Gorga home and apparently he is sick and he fills us in on one of his details. Eats chicken soup and it comes right out the other end. Melissa tells him that they have been invited to Gia’s birthday party. He doesn’t want to go. Tell her I’m sick he says. He wants to hurt her, the way she hurt him. Once again, the topic of the play date with Momz comes up and he says that even though he told her he would, he isn’t ready to meet with Teresa yet. These people are all a bunch of worthless trash. An important part here… Joey tells Melissa that his father was taken (not that he took him) to the hospital. Remember that for later..
Back to the gym but now Melissa is there with Kathy.. I guess she also invited Jac but Jac isn’t there yet (for the class) as she’s likely out in the parking lot drunk twittering again. Kathy can’t keep up with the class and Melissa snarks in one of her TH’s that this is her ‘easy’ class. It’s a step aerobics type class. Kathy’s TH says that she’s sorry she can’t clean out the buffet and not gain an ounce and she actually has a life and can’t always run to the gym. They finish the class and go to the juice (I guess) bar to order drinks. They are talking about Joey and his 103 temperature and how Poppa Gorga is in the hospital. Melissa has a scratchy throat. In staggers Jac, sans workout gear and full of excuses, and she said some other stuff, probably about what Momz told her, who knows, who cares. They note that Teresa’s friend Linda is there (probably lives there) and they talk smack about her. Oh, Jac has decided she can’t drive on the highway when she doesn’t know where she’s going and doesn’t like to workout in public. Every day she has a new phobia. Maybe they are real, maybe not. That’s why she was late and in full street clothes. Now I get it..
We cut to a restaurant where Teresa and Kim D are dining on something after Teresa has worked out (I think this is the same day as earlier) and T gets a call from Linda.. Telling them that the others are at the gym and something about “Jac’s fat ass not being in a gym in 8 months”.. “Kathy’s fat ass can’t even get through the door”. These are their words, not mine. None of them regularly attend that gym and it’s a 45 minute drive for Jac so why is she there? TH Teresa wonders if she’s being stalked. I guess T had asked her father if Melissa had been there to see him. He says no. I don’t know what day this was or what day T asked her father. She says, in TH that he’s been there since Saturday (Actually very early Sunday morning but for some, that’s still Saturday night. Splitting hairs here) but she has time to go to the gym. She tells this to KimD. Again, important for that upcoming drama.. There are too many cooks in this feud kitchen.
Let’s get to the funny farm… Momz and Christopher pull up in the driveway at the Manzo Mansion. She wants to get her fine china and a couple other items for the apartment in Hoboken… What do we see? A pig crossing the driveway.. Not your porky pig type, but what looks like a wild or a Vietnamese pig. Remember Frannie and Frito? I guess she’s a Vet Tech and now, she’s fostering a pig. That’s right, there’s this porker on her front lawn (I’ll bet their association loves that) grazing. I had my own jokes about this scene, I’ll let you come up with your own. I don’t know which was funnier. My brain comparing the pig to the HWs (I’ll let you decide which one) or Frito the three tooth rodent peeing on the floor in the house. I guess this is an ongoing thing. It doesn’t shock me that Big Al stays at the Brownstone. He probably really does live there. Run out of his house by Farmer Fran and she with the animals now live there alone. While, Momz is living in Hoboken close to her baby boys. Fortunately, we didn’t see the Lauren Manzoid in this episode but we did see the Christopher one (I didn’t pay any attention to anything he said, I couldn’t understand it. He should spit out the nipple before he attempts to talk).
How about if we visit the salon where the 4 Guidice girls are getting made up for this shindig, Gia’s birthday party. Teresa is asking Gia a bunch of questions like if she knows or wants her uncle to show up. Gia isn’t happy answering any of her mother’s questions. Two thoughts here. First, shut off the cameras when these kids are around. It isn’t cute anymore. In fact, I found myself wanting to stick a bar of soap in Gia’s mouth. Second, Teresa needs to stop using her daughter as a go between between she and her brother. Gia is tired of it and on that, I can’t say I blame her but, get her off of the show. I get that this is a 12 year old girl and many have attitudes we’ll call it, but I think hers is ramped up a hundred times when the lights are on and the cameras are rolling. Nearly half her life the cameras have been in her face. Nearly all their lives for Gabrialla (who seems the most normal one of the bunch) and Milania, and definitely all her life for Audriana (who is developing Milania’s mouth). Apparently, Gia has a suitor named Christopher. Her ‘BFFL’ – Best Friend For Life. The scene ends with Milania saying he’s a little wimp. She likes older men. Hrummph.. Okay then.
Party day… I guess. We head back to the Gorga’s house. Melissa is corralling Gino and Audriana (7) to go to the party. Gino (5) calls her ‘Poopy-head’.. She threatens him with hot pepper in the mouth. I say he has good judgment. Joey wants to know if KimD is going to be there (of course she is). Melissa says she doesn’t know why, Kim doesn’t have young kids (or no kids, didn’t catch which). Joey starts in with if she’s there, tell her to FO if she says anything… In other words, he’s trying to piss his wife off about stuff that hasn’t happened, yet. She says she doesn’t want any part of the drama and no, Joey still isn’t going. Who cares?
Party time… It is about 100 people and it’s at one of these indoor gaming type places. There are a lot of kids there and every time Teresa opens her mouth trying to meet Gia’s friends, Gia has a conniption about it. We see Gianna’s cake.. Huh? Who’s party is this? Misspelled obviously. Note to professional cake decorators out there, never make assumptions. Write what the parent asks you to write, nothing more nothing less (if that’s what happened). We finally meet Christopher.. He doesn’t have much to say and when JoeT says hello to him, the kid bails. Milania wants to know where Antonia is.. She’s coming says Teresa. Then we cut back to the Gorga home. Are these people ever on time for anything? With the possible exception of their introduction to us where baby Joey could make sure he called his sister garbage, I can’t remember once. I question if they were even on time for that. It’s a kids birthday party, Melissa, you don’t need all the war paint. Just put on some lipstick, put some of that black crap on your eyes, pinch your cheeks to brighten them up, and get going. In truth, I think she was waiting for whatever makeup artist she’s using these days to give her the J-Lo look alike face and, we just didn’t see it.
Now, we have to visit the Wakilies again. Why? I don’t know. Joseph and Victoria are leaving to go visit Poppa Gorga at the hospital. Saint Kathy can’t go because of what she said at the reunion. Coward is the word she used. That pig of a sister of hers played a part in that too. Richy tells her to put her big girl drawers on and go make peace with the man before the next time she sees him is at his wake, in so many words. In TH he says that if it were him, he would make peace and tell Teresa to F.U., Now what are you going to hate on. I know you people don’t like him, but I agree with him here.
Back in party mode. Melissa has finally drug herself and her kids out of the house and is on the way to the party. Her phone rings. Surprise, Surprise. Who is it? Her new BFFL, Jacqueline. There is some music playing in the car, loudly, Jac inquires what it is… MeGo says it’s her Navigator. Funny, Any navigator I ever heard didn’t play music, it gave spoken directions. In truth, it’s placement for whatever autotune mess she’s done now. Inquiring Jac wants to know were MeGo is going.. Why, to Gia’s party of course. MeGo is complaining to Jac that she isn’t friendly with anyone there and it’s going to be tense. TH Jac says that Teresa’s daughter’s birthday party is the last place she’d want to go to. Good to know Jacqueline because as far as we know, you weren’t invited. That’s what someone who is jealous says when they aren’t invited. Didn’t want to go anyway. Jac? I don’t know if you caught it or not.. Check yesterday’s blog. Stars has a product for you called Blorox. I think she’s on to something. While everyone else is out partying, you can stay home with this new kit and bleach your behind.
As they pull into the parking lot, MeGo says “This is stupid”…. Good to know that Melissa (and Joey for that matter) doesn’t trash talk in front of her kids. By now, the adults have moved to their separate room and are beginning to booze it up. KimD has also arrived. We know, simply because it’s an event, this isn’t going to end well. Melissa and the two kids come in and the pleasantries are exchanged, the cousins say hello to each other and disappear into the kids part of the party. (I will note here… I don’t know that there wasn’t one but, I didn’t see a gift in MeGo’s hand for Gia) Right away, KimD starts in on MeGo about not going to see Poppa Gorga in the hospital. Why is Kim mixed up in this? As I said earlier, too many cooks in this feud, stirring the pot. Then Teresa and Melissa kind of go at it. Now, Remember all that stuff I pointed out earlier about this hospital bit? Melissa says that She and Antonia went the next day. Lie number 1. She says that Joe took him to the hospital. Lie number 2. Then she changes her story to she went on the fourth day (Tuesday or Wednesday, not sure which that would be), I say, Lie number 3. This supposedly is all in a short amount of time and this witch can’t remember what day she jumped on her broom and went to visit her father in law? Please. I don’t buy this for a minute. Neither does Teresa. She says that Melissa’s ghost must have taken Antonia because Melissa was no where to be found. Now, I doubt Teresa has been there the entire time either and the man may have slept through his DIL’s visit (I’ll get back to this in a minute) and just simply didn’t know she had been there. Remember he told Teresa (she says) that Melissa hadn’t been there. The debate of the party is did she or didn’t she… She decides she wants to collect her kids and leave. No cake for them but I guess they stay a minute for Gianna’s cake. At this point, I have a headache and have turned off the show so that’s where it ends. IF there’s more, leave it in the comments.
My comments… First, Timeline. This party was in early – mid January. The internet is splashed with announcements that innocent victim MeGo went to Gia’s party even though this feud was still going on. Hurricane Sandy was in November. Are we going to see Christmas this year? I think we have seen it every other year, why not this one? If we see Christmas now, bet your behinds that everything you are seeing is manipulated (but you knew that already, didn’t you?). Second, When is Gia’s birthday? I’m just curious, someone said June, and we know that Bravo’s production moves these events around to fit their storylines (in spite of what that hyena Fanny Andy says). So when is it really? I looked, couldn’t find it but didn’t look that hard. Third… Over on the FB page last night, a picture was posted via twitter showing Antonia standing next to her grandfather in a hospital room. ICU (where he supposedly is)? He looked pretty healthy to me in that picture. No tubes in his arms but wires and or tubes hanging off of his chest. Supposedly, this man at this point, has water in his lungs and can barely breathe. No mask or oxygen tube either. Maybe it took everything he had to sit up like that. I’ll agree this was taken in a hospital, and that was Antonia in the picture with him. I will not however agree that it was during the early time when he was in the hospital for pneumonia. Remember that he had just had a pacemaker installed shortly before then. Incidentally, it was Jacqueline who posted the picture on Twitter. Ms would rather bleach her behind herself. Why? Who took that picture and why was Jac posting it last night? By the way, I’m sure she got questioned about it (and blocked several people because of it) because almost as fast as she posted the picture, Jacqueline removed it. ChrisL, You need to take the wine glass and twitter phone away from that woman. Those of you on FB, the link still shows but if you click it, the picture is gone. Maybe our twitter sleuths can help us figure that one out. Fourth- Momz’s opening tagline is “Love me or hate me, I Always speak the truth”.. Once I listened to that and heard it, I choked on whatever I was drinking. She is lying to us at the beginning of each episode.
That’s it folks. I’ll see you next week with the continuing saga of Crapfest 2013 (Part 4). Til then, Peace. MTH.