Real Housewives of Orange County
The episode opens with Lydia driving in her car and talking to Heather on the phone regarding the upcoming Salsa Party that Lydia is planning. Lydia is conflicted because she wants both Alexis and Heather to come to the party but Heather has bailed out because of Alexis’ attendance. Heather explains that it’s not that she doesn’t want to be around Alexis but that it’s because she doesn’t want Lydia to have a problem at her party. Lydia, the Peacemaker and the Friendship Whisperer, encouraged Heather to have a Friendship Summit with Alexis so they can talk things out. Lydia tells Heather it wouldn’t be the same without Heather at the Salsa Party. This is probably because Heather has proven herself to be oh, so much fun (not!) over and over again at these functions. (Hope you didn’t get too drenched in sarcasm.) Heather tells us that Lydia just doesn’t understand the history and the dynamics of her relationship with Alexis. Heather conceded to call Alexis for a Friendship Summit. Lydia promises that if this doesn’t work that she will just move forward and not continue to press the issue. She says, “I promise, I promise, I promise.” Lydia, even if you click your heels 3 times, it still doesn’t mean we’re in Kansas anymore! Lydia tells us in her talking head, “I feel like the friendship whisperer trying to get all these girls together… Genius!” Now to be fair, I listened to this portion a couple of times – and it seems to me like the “Genius” portion was spliced in to give us the idea she’s calling herself a “genius.” I just don’t think that’s Lydia’s style, IPPHO.
Tamra is in the “Wines by Wives” offices (Gee, I wonder why she isn’t at the C.U.T. Studio – maybe because she’d actually hafta work or workout). Vicki is bringing a “surprise” for Tamra which is a box of wine with their new labels on them. The name on Vicki’s label says, “Work Hard, Play Harder” and Tamra’s label says, “Too Good to Throw.” This is the first time they’ve seen the actual labels affixed onto the bottles that they picked for their wine-of-the-month club. They start talking about Lydia’s upcoming Salsa Party. Vicki thinks Eddie must know how to salsa dance and Tamra confides that she doesn’t know how to dance at all. They pour their wine into really gaudy wine glasses. One says, “I heart wine” and the other has a huge silver cluster of grapes on the side of it. Gee, I wonder if you can purchase these from their website? Let me go check…Why yes, yes you can… Color me so surprised! Here’s the link for the “I Heart Wine”: http://www.winesbywives.com/shop-with-us/wine-glasses/i-love-wine.html but I don’t see the other one available for purchase. See, now that’s just silly – to have one available and not the other? But perhaps I just missed it or something and I really don’t have time to look any further..lol… I thought they were more marketing savvy than that – Well, at least I thought Vicki was… Anyway… on with the show… Tamra is saying that she doesn’t dance but she loves a good theme party (Cue footage from last season’s 80s theme party wherein Tamra is full-on screaming at Vicki). Vicki tells Tamra that Gretchen is mere dirt under Vicki’s fingernails. Vicki says that she doesn’t enjoy being around Gretchen and that she thinks she’s very self-centered. Tamra agrees that Gretchen is very self-centered but that she accepts her for who she is. Tamra says to her that they’re friends but that their friendship got a little strained from their trip to Mexico. Tamra insinuates that it’s Vicki’s fault and Vicki does this angelic cutesy wootsie face and molds her hands into a V under her chin. If I look real hard I can almost see a halo. Tamra says that she doesn’t understand why Gretchen was so mad at them. Vicki quickly reminds her that it was because they “Ding dong ditched her.” They have a good laugh. Vicki tells Tamra that she’s not bringing Brooks to the Salsa Party (We know better though, don’t we… We’ve seen the previews…lol). Tamra asks Vicki that she tell Brooks not to get involved in their “bickerments” (I think she meant part argument/part bickering)… and that he shouldn’t say anything if Tamra rolls her eyes at Vicki. Ironically, Vicki then rolls her eyes at Tamra. I’m rolling my eyes at both of them. Vicki warns Tamra not to mess up their rekindled friendship. Tamra tells Vicki she shouldn’t either – but Vicki says she’s perfect (Insert another gratuitous eye roll here…). I’m exhausted already.
Evidently, Laguna Coffee is “Friendship Summit Central” because that’s where Heather and Alexis are meeting. Heather isn’t sure what she is going to gain from meeting with Alexis. They begin with niceties and then Alexis asks, “What are we doing here?” Heather tells her that she told Lydia that she was going to back away from going to the Salsa Party but that Lydia called again to try to convince her to reconsider her attendance. Heather thinks it’s crazy that the two of them are having problems. Alexis says that she isn’t the type to start something at a party – and Heather just doesn’t want anything bad to happen at Lydia’s party. Alexis says she was trying to extend an olive branch to everyone at Tamra’s dinner party from H***. Heather didn’t think that’s what Alexis was doing towards her. Alexis tells Heather she felt attacked by her all season (Cue flashback to the Reunion wherein Heather tells Alexis, “See, if everyone says that you’re dead, then maybe you should lie down.” Her Royal Heathership takes great offence in being lumped in with the rest of the group. She asserts that while they were on their trip, she responded to Alexis’ question. She did not yell at Alexis, she didn’t call her names, and she didn’t say anything derogatory to her. (Right that’s only true if you don’t count being called “pretentious” as being derogatory). Heather tells Alexis that she just might not have liked what Heather had to say. Alexis tells Heather that she doesn’t ever mind what Heather says – it’s more how she says it. Alexis feels that Heather talks down to her. Gasp! You mean to say, you think our Royal Heatherness talks down to people? Say it isn’t so! Alexis actually thought Heather was going to apologize but she was sadly mistaken. Heather tells Alexis that all she hears from her is about who has wronged her, yadda, yadda, yadda. While Heather is not likely to invite Alexis over for a sleep over to braid each other’s hair (or their hair extensions) they both agree to be civil. Civil? I’m thinking it may probably end up more like the Civil War, IPPHO.
Since no one else is friends with Gretchen, she has her mother (Brenda) over so she can rehash her trip to Mexico. Gretchen said there was just a lot of “craziness” that went on but it’s probably not the kind of thing her Mom really wants to have detailed to her. No, I’m sure it’s much easier for your Mom and her friends to watch your exploits in HD over and over again. That Gretchen Christine is such a lady, isn’t she? At one point in last week’s episode, although I don’t think I blogged it because there was just too many gross things to capture, our very own Gretchen said as she was reaching in between one of the slimy guys’ legs, “I’m actually holding his hangie down thingie (paraphrased).” Her Mom must be so danged proud of her – Yep.. yep… yep! Gretchen asks her mom, “Do you remember Lauri who used to hang out with the group?” Gretchen then proceeds to tell her Mom about how Lauri divulged some very interesting information about Vicki to her. She said that Lauri told her some of Vicki’s “indiscrepancies” (Nope, that’s not a typo – that’s what Gretchen actually said) with a lot of men and her infidelity with Donn. Gretchen said there were so many times in Mexico that she just wanted to lash out at Vicki – but she didn’t. Gretchen tells us in her talking head, that she really thought she would be happy that she had some dirt on Vicki – but that she just really doesn’t feel that way. Because of what she and Slade have gone through in the last couple of months with the ongoing hospitalization of Slade’s son, things like that seem so insignificant now. The only things that matter to her are Slade, she and Slade together, and their family. Gretchen told her mother about how she’s been struggling for the last couple of years about getting married again – and that she feels like she hurt Slade a lot when he wanted to ask her to marry him. Her Mom tells her she thinks she made the right decision back then. Gretchen says that she is fortunate to have found a man who adores her. She asks her Mom if she likes Slade, now? After a very awkward silence, her Mom says that she would be very happy for them to get married and have a baby. I wonder if Mom knows that Gretchen is planning on having the baby first and THEN get she’ll get married? Somehow I’m thinking not… Gretchen just doesn’t want to make any more mistakes. (You mean like actually planning to have a baby BEFORE you get married?) Her Mom sagely tells her that it will all work out. Or not.
Ryan is cooking dinner on his last night at home before he has to report for Combat Training at a base in 29 Palms which is about 2 ½ hours away from Coto de Caza. Briana is so sad. He will be at the base for 3-4 months before he gets deployed. Vicki comes home dragging in a huge new rug behind her. Baby Troy is wearing his fatigues onesie and Briana is wearing a USMC T-shirt symbolizing family military service solidarity. Vicki wants to know if they can call someone to get him out of reporting for duty. Vicki point blank asks Briana what she needs while he’s gone. Briana just wants a happy home. She wants Ryan to be safe… to do his job… and then get his butt back home. This is his 5th tour. In her talking head, Vicki tells us that she now understands why they eloped. Ryan had just come back from his last tour of duty – he lived while others in his squad weren’t so lucky. Briana had just come out of surgery – she lived. They both wanted to live in the moment and had a sense of , “What are we waiting for?” So they eloped! Vicki says that for them it worked. Her hopes and prayers are that he stays safe. Briana wants him to stay safe, come home and see his son grow up. They say a tearful goodbye… It just can’t be said enough, “Thank you for your service, Ryan!” And thank you to all the other “Ryans” in our midst!
Woo hoo! It’s Salsa Party night… Lydia is wearing a sparkly silver black dress and husband Doug is wearing red pants. It takes a very secure man to wear bright red pants. Lydia says that her secret to hosting a great party is hiring a great party planner. Gretchen and Slade pick up Terry and Heather in a limo while Alexis picks up Vicki in another one. Ugh… Vicki is wearing her mink again. I cannot emphasize this enough… it does NOT get cold enough to wear a mink here in Orange County. It just really doesn’t – especially on that night. You can tell because the others are wearing much less and don’t seem to be shivering or anything. Talk about being pretentious! While on their way to the venue in the limo, Terry is goaded into calling Brooks to see if he’s coming to the party.
Meanwhile, in the other limo, Alexis and Vicki seem to be each other’s dates for the evening. Alexis says that Jim is stuck in San Diego right now and can’t come to the party. Alexis asks Vicki about Brooks and their relationship. Vicki says he was just in Mississippi but that they’re supposed to have dinner tomorrow night so they’ll see where they’re at when they see each other. It’s been longer than a couple of weeks since she’s seen Brooks.
Terry gets through to Brooks and tells him to put on his salsa clothes because he knows he has some and come to this party. Creepy Brooks explains that he just got off at work… I mean, he just got off from work… I mean, he just came home from work… Whew… that was close…
Lydia and Doug are awaiting everyone’s arrival. Doug puts on a moustache (Crooked as it is… but still a good sport). Lydia is handing out flowers for the ladies (and I do use this term lightly) to wear in their hair over their ear. (And no, I still don’t see the issue with Lydia’s ears, tyvm.) Everyone is gushing about how great they all look… blah, blah, blah… Lydia tells us that she is still trying to figure Gretchen out – She’s seen glimmers of a person that she really likes but she’s also seen huge moments of somebody that she doesn’t want to know at all. Lydia seems to be on the fence about her at this point. Come join us on the dark side, Lydia! Wow, I can’t really tell for sure, but it sure appears that Alexis also wore a fur coat of some kind. Oh wait… I get it… maybe these coats are the “wrath of furry” that Gretchen was talking about a couple of episodes ago!
Alexis tells us that it’s great to walk into the party without having a weird animosity between her and Heather. While standing in a group with the others, Alexis says she heard they had a lot of fun in Mexico and Heather said she used a lot of Febreze and hand sanitizer. They confirmed that there were penises everywhere. Lauri shows up with her husband, George. Vicki says she hasn’t seen Lauri in years. Vicki still doesn’t know anything about Lauri’s tell-all gossip fest with Gretchen at Vicki’s expense.
Slade and Terry are standing off to the side talking. Slade clues in Terry about Lauri and her husband and then tells him that he also dated Lauri for a minute prior to her getting married to George. Slade clarifies that he and Lauri never actually went on an official “date” but that they “hung out” together… Terry immediately gets his meaning. Evidently, Tamra called Lydia and asked her if she could bring a guest – and that’s why Lauri is there. Lydia thought the more the merrier! In tonight’s installment of, “I kid you not”, Terry, being the complete pig that he is at least at this moment, actually asks Slade, “So on a scale of 1-10 how was it?” Slade says without a second of hesitation, “Oh, a 10”… Then Terry’s follow-up question is, “And how is Gretchen?” Slade responds, “Oh, beyond…” I feel like I have been teleported back to a frat house or something… I cannot believe the question was asked… Or that it was answered…And not once, but twice! Her Royal Heathership certainly is not going to be amused at all by this. Gretchen probably won’t be either if indeed she’s smart enough to understand how smarmy Slade really is by talking like this… And isn’t it just so great that now they have the entire conversation recorded for posterity so that their kids and future grandkids can learn some valuable lessons of crassness from their grandfathers, no? Dagnabit, where are the face eating zombies when you need them?
Lydia encourages everyone to get something to eat. Lydia is chomping down on chips and salsa, probably because she couldn’t get any from that hifalutin restaurant they went to that first night in Mexico and she’s been craving them ever since! Talk ensues about how skinny Lydia is and that where on earth is she going to put all that food? Lauri (who has just met her) says that she thinks she must have an empty leg. Slade whispers to Gretchen that they should call her “Cheeseburger.” Lydia prompts Slade to share with the class what he just said and he comes clean and says that they should start calling her “Cheeseburger” because he wants to buy her a cheeseburger. Hardee har har. Okay, Tubba Wubba we’ll be sure to do that… (Sorry, but I hate when adults do this kind of stuff – thinner people have body image issues just like other-girthed people). Lydia calls him out because he didn’t make the original comment directly to her even though she’s standing right there. Slade corrects her and says that he said it loud enough for her to hear it on purpose. Lydia says that no, he actually whispered it to Gretchen. Slade says that he only did that because he was playing with Lydia – Okay, whoa boy! You’d better stop right now, Slade… You may not be used to it because you live with the likes of Gretchen, but you are now talking to someone outside your “ken”… and her Ken will kick your Barbie every single time (Sorry, obscure BBT reference). Slade then continues to dig himself into a hole and says that if he didn’t want Lydia to hear it then he wouldn’t have said it. Lydia says, “Oh, then you would have said it afterwards – later?” Slade says that yes, if that was the kind of person he was…but that he had no problem saying it to her face. Lydia astutely points out that actually, he did have a problem telling her – because he originally made his comments only to Gretchen. Slade lamely rationalizes that was only because everyone was engaged in a conversation. Then when Lydia asked him about it – he told her what he had said. Slade, you really are acting like a dumbass… You just confirmed exactly what Lydia has been saying all along. In her talking head, Lydia tells us she likes to be direct – especially if it’s about her – So if someone starts whispering then she will ask them what they’re whispering about… Enrique Suave Slade is desperately trying to convince Lydia that he meant it as a compliment because the rest of them shouldn’t be eating cheeseburgers but that Lydia could get away with it. Really? So you’re calling everyone else in the group hefty? Well, arguably, most of them ARE trash bags, no doubt. In her talking head and as the supreme “snap” of the night, Lydia says, “Slade, here’s $5.00 for the douche jar.” Whoa… there’s a douche jar? I only knew about the cussin’ jar? Boy, if there’s really a douche jar – we’ll all be rich from watching this crap!
Then Gretchen tries to mock Lydia in her talking head because she doesn’t understand why Lydia’s making such a big deal about all of this. Gretchen says that she wonders if Lydia maybe didn’t get enough attention when she was a kid. Evidently, Gretchen doesn’t have the good sense to realize that in essence, her boyfriend just called her fat. Lydia tries to point out that Slade wouldn’t have handled it the same way if she was overweight. But because Tubba Wubba is indeed a big, fat pig (and this is no reference to his weight whatsoever – just his general piggishness) he implies that he would have said something anyway. [Note: I didn’t even know that piggishness was even a real word, but it doesn’t have a red line underneath it so I think I’m good to go, no?] Lydia tells us that she’s always been thin but she’s never been teased about it and this is the first time that she’s been scrutinized for it. Slade continues to say it’s a compliment. Gretchen is laughing along not really getting it that Slade in essence called Gretchen a heifer. Tamra and Eddie walk into the party – and Tamra is almost wearing her dress. It has huge cutouts that you would probably wear during a “Dancing with the Stars” routine. Hmmm… perhaps this episode is her incognito audition… After all, they ARE going to do some salsa dancing…hmmm…. Lydia toasts to salsa and some dirty dancing! Vicki cocks her head to the side as if she’s not so sure about that…
In walks Brooks with a huge bouquet of flowers. Terry is dying laughing and seems overly pleased with himself. Tamra’s like, “Why the H*** is Brooks here?” Vicki seems genuinely shocked to see him. (Although she was wearing the mink he gave her… so it may not have been such a big surprise? I dunno… These franchises have brought out the conspiracy theorist in me). Brooks says, “It’s been a while.” Vicki corroborates that it’s been a long time. She looks at the flowers and asks if she’s getting married because there’s a lot of diamonds in the flowers. Brooks laughs it off. Gretchen thinks that Vicki has been lying this whole time about the whole Brooks relationship thing and that she just wants everyone’s sympathy that she can’t be with the man she loves. Brooks gives Tamra a hug “hello” and tells her that she looks nice… Tamra tells us that that she has already said what she wanted to about Brooks. While he’s not her favorite guy, she is going to try to be a bigger person and will try to bite her tongue regarding her opinions about him. Brooks tells people that he missed them. (Gag!) Tamra tells him upfront that she’s still a little mad at him but that she and Vicki are getting things back on track. Brooks tells Tamra, “That’s understandable.” Brooks tells Tamra that he thinks her intentions were spot on and pure but that he had issues with the way she went about it. Tamra cops to the fact that her delivery always sucks. Brooks says that he’s learning that. Tamra says she’s willing to move on with Brooks if that’s what Vicki wants. Tamra knows she doesn’t have to love him – Vicki does. (Now before your heads start to explode, don’t you worry boys and girls… it won’t take long for Tamra to talk badly about Brooks once again… let’s watch and see…).
Vicki and Brooks talk together and Vicki is confused about where they are at in their relationship. Brooks assures her that they are, “finding their way.” Vicki says that Troy is currently at 29 Palms and will come home on the weekends until he gets deployed. Wait… I thought we just had a huge tearful goodbye… But he’s just going to be gone for 5 days at a time for 3-4 months? (Deep sigh…) Vicki feels nervous about Brooks being there… She’s not sure why he’s even there – they’re at such an icky point in their relationship (Yes, Vicki does indeed use the word “icky” to describe their relationship…lololol…little does she know how many people call her “Icky”) Vicki wonders… Does he love her… Does he not love her… Are they dating… Are they not dating? Brooks thinks she’s nervous because she feels out of control. Heather comes up and tells them that it’s really nice to see them together. I suspect she also wants to smooth out any ripples her husband’s invitation to Brooks to attend the night’s festivities might have caused…
Tamra goes over and starts to talk to Lauri about Brooks and how she’s shocked that he’s even there. See, I told you not to worry, boys and girls! Tamra hasn’t really turned over a new leaf. She’s just learning to be nicer to your face while stabbing you in the back! Lauri says she didn’t know Vicki and Brooks were still dating. Tamra says that Vicki said they weren’t still together. Tamra says, “He’s out on the town. Big time…” Lauri asks how she knows… Tamra tells her that whatever Lauri’s heard – that she’s also heard. Lauri says, “Seriously? Oh, you mean with the stripper – slash – porn star?” Tamra says she didn’t know about that. In her talking head, Lauri tells us that one of their “daughters” came to her and told her that Brooks is dating one of her friends. Tamra clarifies, “So he is having sex with “bleep.” Lauri said that Brooks told the girl that he was still seeing Vicki. Lauri tells us that her daughter’s friend gets paid to do some very questionable activities. Lauri, in talking about Vicki, says, “Honey, if only you knew who you were with.” Tamra says that’s why she doesn’t trust him at all.
Lydia starts the salsa dancing portion of the evening. Girls on one side and guys are on the other. Heather says that Terry doesn’t have just two left feet – he has 12 so she kicks him to the curb and wants to dance with Eddie instead. Tamra says that, “Eddie definitely has the skills to pay the bills – he’s Latin – he can shake his ‘bleep.’” They all keep changing partners. So inevitably, Vicki and Slade dance together; then Brooks and Tamra dance together. And because, she just can’t resist a dig on Alexis, Tamra says, “Who is next – Jim Bellino?” And Jim’s not even there!
Dessert is served… Gretchen and Slade are talking to Doug (Lydia’s husband) yet again about Lydia’s weight. Gretchen tells Doug that she’s jealous of Lydia and Doug says that Lydia eats a lot. Slade tells him that he told Lydia that she was genetically gifted. Yeah, that’s exactly the first thing that popped into my mind when you nicknamed her “Cheeseburger.” Gretchen tells Slade that he obviously offended Lydia and that it was not cool. Then inexplicably, Doug tells them that Lydia had to stop nursing Maverick because… then Slade fills in the blank with, “because he was taking a lot out of her.” Slade thinks maybe Lydia is just being sensitive because she got so thin while nursing the babies. Doug is continuing to talk while Lydia and Alexis pop into the conversation. Because Slade obviously has a full view of Lydia when she joins the conversation, says, “She’s a very tough girl, she can take a joke.” Lydia says, “I can take a joke but I felt like it wasn’t a joke and it wasn’t like you were making it directly at me like a funny thing – You were whispering it to her so that made me feel bad…. So next time, just make the joke to me, I can take it.”
Gretchen turns to Slade and asks him if he’s listening to her and Slade says that Lydia is a much better person than they are. Lydia then continues on with, “From what I hear, you’ve made jokes about people and they’ve had to get surgeries and all sorts of things.” Slade says completely sarcastically, “Exactly, Yes, I’m so influential.” Gretchen asks her what she’s talking about – Is she talking about someone wanting to have surgery just because of something Slade said? Lydia said, “He called Vicki, “Miss Piggy” and she had a nose job… (In her talking head, Lydia wonders what man criticizes a woman’s appearance? She’s not used to being around or hanging around people like that…) Gretchen wants to know if Vicki told her that – and no, she didn’t… but Lydia is putting two and two together. She asks them if they think Slade’s words had an influence on that decision. Gretchen flat out says, “No.” Slade smugly said that part of the problem was that he never actually called her that. He says that he just said, “This is what is on the internet… this is what people have said.” Right, because saying that and showing people a picture of Miss Piggy alongside a picture of Vicki during your stupid, highly unfunny, little pretend comedy routine wasn’t at all implying that you think that Vicki looks like Miss Piggy? Actually, you and Terry are the swine in the room at the moment… but I digress… Lydia says slyly, “Okay, I’ve seen who you are.” You immediately get the point that Lydia has sized up the situation and has Slade’s number already. Gretchen wants to know what that’s supposed to mean. I’m surprised that Gretchen didn’t understand it – “Okay, I’ve seen who you are” are all monosyllabic words except for the “okay” part… You don’t think that the word “okay” actually tripped her up, do you? Lydia explains her intent was to say that Slade is never going to take any ownership of it. Slade says that to think Vicki’s surgery had anything to do with him is just Lydia stirring up something that she doesn’t know anything about since Vicki has had surgeries for years. (You see Vicki standing like 3 feet away from them, straining to hear every word they’re saying…) Again, Lydia clarifies that Vicki never said that to her but that she made an assumption. Gretchen is not sure she can be cool with Lydia if she continues to offend Slade. (I think I may have just gotten whiplash from Gretchen’s last statement… Poor, poor, offended lil Slade…). In her talking head, Lydia says she thinks that Slade should hang out with Doug to get some lessons on how to be a gentleman and have proper etiquette because he obviously just doesn’t know… it’s just weird. Like he should check me out less and maybe pay more attention to “Malibu Beach Barbie.” At this point, I completely fall on the floor, roaring with laughter… I think there’s just something about Lydia calling Gretchen “Malibu Beach Barbie” – because it really doesn’t feel like it’s a part of her normal nature to do it – Unfortunately, it looks like Lydia’s already spent too much time with this group and has moved to the dark side… lol. That’s okay, I didn’t used to be snarky, either… (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!) Come over here, Lydia… Join the snarkfest!
Alexis decides to go hang out with Tamra and Lauri and they start talking about wedding planning. Tamra has evidently already asked the girls to go wedding dress shopping with her – including Alexis. It’s Gretchen’s turn to be listening in on a conversation and honestly, you actually see Gretchen get physically ill… It’s quite hysterical! Tamra says she’s trying to bring Alexis back into the mix and that she doesn’t want her to feel like an outsider again. Gretchen looks like she just chomped down on one of Yolanda’s lemons and is pouting about how she just doesn’t understand why Alexis is invited. Alexis hasn’t been involved in anything up to this point of time… Meanwhile, Vicki, Lydia and Heather are putting on silly fake moustaches… and they look like they’re having way too much fun for words!
Alexis makes her exit from the party and marvels at how she’s left relatively unscathed. She’s surprised that she doesn’t even have any scratches and bruises. Little did she know that the minute she left, that Gretchen started talking smack about her to Tamra. Gretchen is really cranky that Alexis was invited to such a personal event as shopping for a wedding dress when she had been talking so much s*** about Tamra for the last 9 months and threatening to sue her. Gretchen says that it’s just really weird to her. She wonders if it’s not going to be awkward for Tamra? Right Gretchen, cuz you’re concerned… about Tamra. Holy Delusional, Batman! Tamra tells Gretchen that she’s made peace with Alexis. Gretchen asks Tamra that wouldn’t she want her closest friends to be there? Is Alexis considered to be one of them? Tamra says that Alexis is not one of her closest friends. Then Tamra takes off her big girl panties and hands them to Gretchen by offering to disinvite Alexis if Gretchen doesn’t want her there. Oholynightthestarsarebrightlyshining, are you kidding me? Saint Gretchen says it’s not about her – it’s about Tamra. Tamra says, “Well, it’s not entirely about me because you’re saying you don’t want her to be there.” Gretchen says, “No,” but that she was just surprised that Tamra wanted Alexis to be there. Gretchen is “concerned” that Alexis is going to say things like, “Oh, I’m so happy for you” and “I’m so excited for you” when for the last 9 months she hasn’t been excited for Tamra about anything. Gosh, what a complete b*** that Alexis is… I mean how dare she say she’s happy for someone who is getting married? Gretchen says, “I just don’t want to put myself in that situation… If I feel like I’m going to get angry about the fact that I don’t think she is being sincere then I feel like maybe I should remove myself if she’s going to be part of it.” Tamra is surprised that Gretchen now doesn’t want to go wedding dress shopping with her just because Alexis is going to be there. And yes folks, we end up back in kindergarten where you can’t have any more than just one friend at a time and where you demand that your friend chooses who gets to play with her on the teeter totter of life. Whee… Up we go… down we go… Up we go… down we go… Whoops, I think I lost my friendship bracelet again… Oh, there it is over by the monkey bars… I’ve got to go get it before anyone steals it! THUD! Watch out Gretchen! I have a feeling you’re about to be dropped like a hot potato!
Newlyweds First Year
Tarz and Tina: Tina was pregnant but had a miscarriage. She is devastated and afraid she may not be able to carry a child. Tarz’ mom calms her down and tells her she’ll be there to help and support her along the way. Tarz and Tina are in the car and Tina thinks Tarz is not being sensitive enough about the miscarriage. She calls him emotionally monotone. She’s upset that he’s not upset. He tells her he’s upset but she doesn’t believe it. Tarz is not “out there” with his emotions. Tina tells him she’s irritated with him but he says it’s not really him she’s irritated with, it’s the situation. Tina and Tarz are meeting Tina’s dad, Kan, and his new girlfriend for dinner. Tina will be meeting her for the first time. He’s been dating her for a while but hasn’t said much about her except her name is Heather. Tina pictures her as a motherly-type looking person. She doesn’t want to see her dad with
another woman again. But is has been over three years since her mom died. They show up and Heather is young with a nice rack. Tina thinks she looks about 20. Heather is a nurse who has four daughters (so I would guess she’s probably over 20). She met Tina’s dad at the gym. They are sitting at the table kissing. They can’t keep their hands off each other. Heather says they’ve been talking about getting married and having a child. Tina is about to have a cow and I can’t say that I blame her. I mean, if her dad wants to date and get married again, that’s his business. But the way they went about telling Tina about their relationship was not good at all. On WWHL, Andy calls it one of the most awkward things he’s ever seen. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that, Dandy Andy. Andy has personally said and done some pretty awkward things himself. Anyway, Tina and Heather leave the table. Tarz tells Tan he’s acting like he’s 14 years old by flaunting his new girlfriend in front of them and talking like he’s in a locker room. Heather returns to the table, followed by Tina, who tells them to stop with the PDA. Heather tells them they are acting immature but Tarz says they are not the ones making out at the table like teenagers. Later, Tina and Tarz are talking about how inappropriate her dad and his girlfriend acted at dinner. Tarz tells Tina they need to prepare themselves for whatever her dad decides to do and that he’ll always be there for her no matter what happens.
John and Kathryn: At 36 weeks pregnant, Kathryn and John go to Lamaze class for the first time. The wives tell Kathryn what their husbands do for them and Kathryn realizes John could have been doing so much more for her during her pregnancy. During the class they discuss “ripping” and certain exercises they can do to prevent it. It’s kind of too much information, even for me. John is trying to get everyone’s attention by being gross. John doesn’t find having sex with Kathryn very sexy at all. They do a role reversal exercise so Kathryn can show him how he should be treating her. At 38 weeks, Kathryn feels really fatigued and has lots of indigestion. Kathryn’s sister shows up to see her and John’s sister shows up to see him. Kathryn and her sister are up in her room. John and his sister are downstairs putting baby things together. John is not into it and is really not used to doing things he doesn’t want to do. They struggle trying install the baby seat in the car. He’s complaining the whole time. He can’t do it and gives up and calls it good enough. He’s a big old spoilt rotten baby brat. At four days past her due date, John makes the ultimate sacrifice by having sex with his wife, but he didn’t like it. Then they try going out for spicy food. By the end of the episode she’s at least 12 days over her due date and looks miserable.
Jeff and Blair: Blair has been away for two days visiting his family. Jeff loves how quiet it has been and has enjoyed those two days. Blair returns from New York horny and Jeff is not in the mood because he’s exhausted from working 50 hours that week. Blair tells Jeff he’s been very patient lately. Jeff is OK with once a week. Blair says Jeff is getting old, but Jeff says it’s not an age thing because he’s pleasuring himself two or three times a day. Jeff thinks they need to get away for a change of scenery and they should go camping. Jeff works from the house and constantly cleans the house and thinks they need to get away from the house. Blair is not going for it and says getting away once a month is not a solution for their problem. He needs it more often than that. Blair is in the kitchen making a mess. He cleans up after himself because he knows Jeff expects him to be more responsible. He surprises Jeff with hot chocolate and a snack. Jeff is looking at pictures from when they were in Savannah and Blair tells him he is so stressed out about them not having sex when he returned from 7 days in New York. Blair has problems with their sex life and Jeff feels stressed about them not having their finances straightened out. Blair disagrees that Jeff sacrifices more on the financial front. Blair says he is trying to do everything Jeff wants him to do. I tend to side with Blair on this. Jeff always seems to be making problems and excuses and it seems Blair is trying to make more changes than Jeff is willing to. Blair wants to go to the attorney and get the wills drawn up. Jeff seems to be putting it off. Blair offers to pay for it and Jeff agrees to set it up. They keep fighting about sex and money and Blair says they need to resolve it. Jeff tells him there is nothing they can’t resolve and he’s in it for the long haul.
Alaska and Kim: In New York, Alaska notices Kim took $700 out of their account. Alaska needed to buy his airline ticket with it and he’s upset about Kim spending HIS money. Kim reminds him it’s “their” money, it’s “their” account. Kim has a business account of her own. She say she spends her money and “their” money. Alaska visits his “militant” father. He was not close to his father and used to get beatings from him for not going to church. Now his father is a totally different man. He is no longer a “prick” and Alaska needs to figure out how to be more like his father is now, not like he was before. Kim wants Alaska and his dad to have a breakthrough and become closer because it will help with their future dynamic when they have kids. Alaska’s relatives show up to share a Haitian meal prepared by Kim. Kim is nervous cooking the kind of food Alaska’s mom used to cook. The family tries the food and they love it (it does look delicious). Alaska can feel his mom in the room and he has Kim to thank for making that happen. Alaska is packing for LA and Kim asks him when he’s coming back. She always gets sad when he leaves. He tells her that’s what they have to do for now. He knows she’s sad, so he surprises her with a planned honeymoon trip to Mexico. She is stoked about it and didn’t think the day would come when he would make time for their honeymoon.
On WWHL, Andy announced the entire cast of Newlyweds would be on the show next week.
Happy Birthday DJPrincessc