Real Housewives of Orange County – 100th Episode
Note: The two-hour 100th Episode of RHOC was mildly entertaining to me. It was mostly a montage of several video clips with very short talking head interviews spliced in between. There didn’t seem to be a lot of rhyme or reason to the questions that were asked, to whom they were asked, or why they only aired the responses they did. It was kind of odd how they aired some responses to a question early in the episode… then other responses to the same question were aired much later on in the episode… I just felt a need to try to organize them in some way. Not sure that I succeeded – Since this type of show is hard to adequately capture in a blog… but hopefully you’ll find something that will be of some interest to you. I’ve sprinkled some snark around where appropriate. And sometimes where it’s not… At the end, there is also a list of “Quotes”… along with some snide remarks. See how many quotes that you can recall the circumstance in which it was said… If you can’t remember – Just make one up! It will probably be a lot funnier than the real story… lol
How Did It All Begin?
Once upon a time in a far and distant land, some pretty, pretty princesses lived in dreamy houses behind extravagant gates in small, exclusive gated communities. These princesses were housewives who believed the world somehow revolved around them and that everyone else merely existed just to do their bidding. They looked down with pity and disdain on the peasants who didn’t enjoy their same luxurious lifestyle. When they got what they wanted there was peace in the land, but when they were disappointed in any way they would throw tantrums and scream until they were appeased like the perpetual children they are. Everything in their land was perfect; their weather was perfect, their McMansions were perfect, their bank accounts were perfectly stocked, their faces were perfectly Botoxed, their bodies were perfectly tan, and their boobies were fake, large and perfectly perky. Most of the housewives were walking, breathing life-sized Stepford Barbie dolls. One day, a television show creator who lived in this community decided the world deserved a glimpse into this alternate reality and thus, the “Real Housewives” franchise was born.
The ironic part of this whole concept is that while this show was originally designed to be a “reality” show, it has digressed into fake storylines and manufactured drama. However, in the beginning, the show’s creator(s) identified that while there had been several scripted shows depicting this type of affluent lifestyle, there had never been a reality show that brought the viewers, “Behind the Gates,” which was the original working title of the show. This idea propelled producers to set out to identify potential participants in this new reality show genre via several different methods.
Andy Cohen was asked, “What do you look for when casting a “real housewife?” Andy responded, “A good real housewife is pretty, outspoken, opinionated… Strong feelings about the way she lives her life and how others should live their lives.”
The cast that we see at least in part, is thanks to Vicki’s teenaged son, Michael. He responded to an ad that was printed in their little “Coto de Caza” community newspaper, which read: “CASTING CALL – New Reality Television Series to be filmed in Coto de Caza – A unique opportunity for Coto residents… Casting for new reality show that’s more entertaining than “The OC”, “Laguna Beach” and “Desperate Housewives.” Searching for great characters with fascinating lives who want to become the hottest new reality show. Producers are seeking both families and individuals. Email or Fax personal details/stories/photos with contact info by January 14 to: (blanked out)… Open auditions to be held January 21 & 22 with call backs on January 24.”
Michael originally thought that this would be a great opportunity for him and his friends. Alas, the producers were more interested in talking to Michael’s mom. One day, while Lauri and Vicki were busy working (back when Vicki ran her insurance agency out of her home, when Lauri relied on Vicki for her sustenance, and when she actually respected and needed Vicki) Michael came into the room and told them about this show opportunity and the discussion he had with the producers. Michael says to Lauri, “You were a playmate, right? I think I mentioned that.” Vicki said she originally told the producers to count her out because she was way too busy to participate and so she just hung up the phone. The producers called back and said, “Don’t hang up on me… Can we just come over?” Vicki finally conceded, “Oh, okay… but I’m not TV material.” The rest, as they say, is history.
This 100th Show didn’t clearly show how every housewife came onto the show, but it was pretty evident that most of them either auditioned or were identified as potential participants by word of mouth. Here are some of the other original housewives’ casting stories: Jeana lived across the street from Vicki and said there was no actual audition process for her (also a former playmate) but that it was more like, “Will you do me a favor and film this trailer.” Jo and Slade were at a charity event at one of the creator’s homes who was a neighbor and a friend. Slade said, “I bid $2,500 in order to participate in the ‘Real Housewives’.” One would surmise that it was some sort of a charity auction item or something – but isn’t it just hysterical that Slade actually PAID to be on RHOC? Jo said that it was something Slade really wanted to do and since they were engaged, “As corny as it sounds, I did it for love.” Even though this show was supposed to be about “housewives” Jo soon found she had to fight Slade for camera time. It wasn’t clear exactly how Kim came to be on the show, but we know from the premiere episode that Bravo filmed a fake staged meeting between Kim and Jo that introduced them to each other and Kim to the franchise. The original cast thought they would film for 6-8 weeks, it would air and then it would be done. Little did they know a franchise was born.
As the seasons wore on, housewives either left voluntarily or had to be replaced. The process became more competitive as the show’s popularity increased, but in the first couple of seasons – it seemed like they were desperate to get people on the show. Tammy Knickerbocker happened to be a good friend of Jeana’s – and so Jeana talked her into participating in the 2nd Season. Jeana said, “Oh come on, come on, it will be fun – we’ll do lunch.” Tammy responded that she doesn’t do “lunch” or “tennis” because she’s not “that” girl. Tammy said that Jeana was very persuasive and soon she agreed to participate. In fact, the gate they use during the opening pictorial sequence of the show was actually from Tammy’s house… that is before she went through her horrible divorce wherein she lost everything.
Tamra seemed to have to audition – and it came down between her and someone else. Tamra said, “Game on, who is this bitch? I’ll take her down right now – I’m going to go slice her tires on the way to her interview.” Cue Tamra’s interview tape – Producer: “Tell me about the competition with Jeana: Tamra: Jeana tried to steal my listing. I mean I wasn’t that impressed with her – I mean, you know, she was an overweight, middle aged woman, I don’t know… I didn’t think that much about her. As soon as she finds out that I not only stole her listing, but I’m stealing her show, too – She’s really going to be pissed.” (Wow, you can really see that Tamra has been a lovely gem of a human being from the very beginning…)
Gretchen’s story was that she was at a dinner party and she sat across the table from Jo and Slade. They looked at other and said, “She’d be perfect for the show.’” Jo confirms they thought that Gretchen was outgoing and beautiful, had a dynamic personality, was a “drinker” and had a really hot body. (Gag) On a side note, just a couple of nights ago on, “Watch What Happens Live” – Jo was on and divulged that she thought there had always been chemistry between Slade and Gretchen and that even if Gretchen wasn’t cast to be on the show, she thought Gretchen and Slade would have eventually gotten together anyway. By the way, we can thank Jo for starting the insipid trend of housewives thinking they could actually sing and thus recording songs for our listening pleasure. Thanks a lot, Jo… I know who to blame for not being able to get, “Don’t Be Tardy for the Party” out of my brain for weeks and weeks. For kicks and giggles, here is a list I found online of Real Housewife related songs recorded thus far. The following link also contains the actual YouTube links to each song: http://www.theawl.com/2013/04/15-vanity-singles-by-real-housewife-bravolebrities.
- Countess Luann (Real Housewives of NYC) – “Money Can’t Buy You Class” (2010)
- Countess Luann (Real Housewives of NYC) – “Chic, C’est La Vie” (2011)
- Kim Zolciak (Real Housewives of Atlanta) – “Tardy for the Party” (2009)
- Kim Zolciak (Real Housewives of Atlanta) – “Google Me” (2010)
- Kim Zolciak (Real Housewives of Atlanta) – “Love Me First” (2012)
- Miss Lawrence (Real Housewives of Atlanta) – “Closet Freak” (2011)
- Kenya Moore (Real Housewives of Atlanta) – “Gone With the Wind Fabulous” (2013)
- Melissa Gorga (Real Housewives of New Jersey) – “On Display” (2011)
- Melissa Gorga (Real Housewives of New Jersey) – “Rockstar” (2012)
- Melissa Gorga (Real Housewives of New Jersey) – “How Many Times (Dear Joe)” (2012)
- Melissa Gorga (Real Housewives of New Jersey) – “I Just Wanna” (2012)
- Michaele Salahi (Real Housewives of DC) – “Bump It” (2011)
- Simon Van Kempen (Real Housewives of New York) – “I Am Real” (2011)
- Danielle Staub (Real Housewives of New Jersey) – “Real Close” (2010)
- Gretchen Rossi (Real Housewives of Orange County) – “Nothing Without You” (2010)
- BONUS TRACK: Kim Zolciak – “Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing (Demo)” (2011)
First Day of Filming:
Vicki and Lauri were working at Vicki’s office in her home. Vicki had been showing Lauri the ropes of selling life insurance but said that Lauri sucked at it. When Vicki first saw herself on the show, she was not very pleased with herself. She thought, “Holy flipping balls!” Vicki decided she was going to start working out more often. She also noticed that her skin looked like crap and she that didn’t like the color of her hair. Her fashion choices were hysterical, too… The pants and top combo she has on in the opening of Season 1 just makes ya wince.
Jo said she was really nervous on the first day. Unfortunately, as the days progressed she kind of forgot the cameras were still there and so she did some things on camera that caused her mom to call yell at her after they aired. Her mom asked her what she was thinking when she took a shower and when she tried on suggestive clothing while on camera. Jo says, “It’s like watching a home video of myself making really poor decisions.” Slade remembers, “I shaved, moisturized, avocado peeled, and I worked out in my underwear – and I looked like a major douchebag. Thanks for asking…” (Oh Slade, so what you’re saying is that they perfectly captured your personality! Awesome!) Gretchen said that she knew Slade at the time (a couple of seasons before she was ever cast) and that she remembers thinking that he looked like a total idiot on this show. Alexis says she didn’t eat anything for the first 3 months of filming. Jeana said that during Season 1 she used to host castmate “viewing” parties at her house. However, about halfway through Season 1 everybody started getting mad at each other. This was because as they viewed the episode together, it was the first time they saw each other’s talking head interviews. People would say, “I can’t believe you said that about me,” etc… etc…
Andy describes this issue, “When you see how your friends are talking about you when you’re not around, it questions their loyalty to you and it questions your loyalty to them.” Lauri says, “Allegiances have to change all the time because everyone keeps stabbing each other in the back. You know usually once you get stabbed, you hafta find a new friend.” Tamra says, “It’s hard to be true friends with people because you have to speak your mind about them and inevitably it gets you into fights.” (Well, unless of course you never said things behind their backs that you didn’t already constructively say to their face.)
Vicki was asked, “What’s the downside of being famous?” Vicki responded, “Judging myself and having other people judge me without really knowing me.” She went on to say that it’s also really difficult to hold onto any piece of privacy. It seemed like Vicki’s brain almost exploded when Briana announced on camera that she had eloped. Vicki had a lot of different feelings rushing through her but since they were on camera she just didn’t know how to appropriately respond. I think Vicki was really, really cranky… Briana was smart to do it in a restaurant and on camera where there would be lots of witnesses and footage to show during a future murder trial. I would have killed her.
Tamra: Her engagement to Eddie. She is pleased that it was captured on camera and recognizes that not many other people have that privilege. Tamra said, “It took me a while to find my prince charming… but it happened.” (For the record, I would have bet the farm that the wedding would never have happened. It’s a good thing I don’t own a farm…lol)
Vicki: The time when she and Donn were taking the kids and their friends on a European vacation. She had gone to great lengths to order a limo bus that was supposed to be stocked with mimosas, bagels, and fruit cups. Imagine her surprise when a 1992 cargo minivan shows up. Vicki went completely batcrapcrazy and had a slow speed come apart while screaming at the limo company, “We have 6 people and 12 bags of luggage.” Vicki actually thought she was being punked. However, she did also think that stuff like this was what the show was supposed to be about – the real, organic issues that come up during normal life. (Getting to the airport is so stressful – I can’t imagine how much more stressful it is during filming and when you and your luggage have to squeeze into a small van like you were sardines… Well, come to think of it – something did smell awfully fishy to me about the whole thing…. Can you say, “Bravo set-up?” Why yes, yes, I KNEW you could…)
Jeana: When they filmed at a salon and Vicki’s assistant was getting waxed for the first time in her life. (OMG… this was horrible… this poor girl was so not okay with getting waxed at all… and probably didn’t know they could hear what she was saying throughout the entire process through the closed door. Vicki and Jeana were laughing so hard at her… When I first saw this scene I was so aghast that they aired it on TV… In light of the severity of the other garbage this franchise has thrown at us over the years… it actually seems quite tame by today’s standards. Pretty sad… ) Kara (Jeana’s daughter): She thinks it was probably the scene when she was on her way to college at Berkley, and her mom and her mom’s friend were in the car at the time. Kara and Jeana fought the whole way there – because Kara was driving way too fast for Jeana’s liking and then she was trying to find something in her purse while Jeana was yelling at her for going 90 mph. Colton (Jeana’s son): When I beat Shane in the dune buggy race. I was young – I didn’t beat him at many things so it was kind of nice.
Lauri: Of course, Lauri said it was her fairytale wedding. (Insert gratuitous eye roll here… I’m surprised she didn’t say, “Oh, it’s when I got sweet revenge on Vicki when I threw her under the bus by revealing some very nasty things about her on camera – Even though I owed my family’s livelihood to her for over 2 years during a very dark season of life.)
First on camera fight ever: The altercation occurred when Tammy’s daughters, her husband, and some other housewife kids got involved in a water distribution company named, “The OC Angels.” (The kids actually started to grab and slap at each other… It wasn’t pretty.)
Tamra vs. Gretchen: Tamra pointed finger right at Gretchen and accused her of going to Bass Lake with a guy who they had seen Gretchen with all around town. This is of course, was during the time when Gretchen was engaged to someone else. Tamra maintains, “If my fiancé was in the hospital – I would be off the show so fast.” Gretchen said she wasn’t dating him – that he was a previous boyfriend but that they were now “just friends.” (Cough, cough…)
Tamra and the “Naked Wasted Dinner Party”: Tamra attempts to rationalize her actions by saying that she had run into Gretchen so many times off camera and she saw Gretchen being drunk and doing crazy things. Yet, when Gretchen was on camera she was a whole different person. So when this opportunity came along, she said to Vicki, “Let’s get her naked wasted.” This way she figured that viewers would see Gretchen acting more like she normally acts around town. Tamra expressed that she had no idea it was going to sink to the level that it did. Gretchen was obviously plastered beyond belief. Lynne had tried to get her to stop drinking, but Tamra and her son kept egging her on. At one point they were all standing around in the kitchen talking and the next moment Ryan (Tamra’s son) and Gretchen disappeared into a back room. Gretchen says, “That was the first realization on this show that, wow, we’re not in Kansas anymore – We’re like dealing with some hard core vicious people.” Andy muses, “That was one of those dinners when you realized that truth is way stranger than fiction.” (This was one of the vilest things I have ever seen on television, ever. The fact that they continued to film was bad enough…. But then to actually air the footage just shows how debased Bravo was even back then. Every fiber of my body reacted – and I got physically ill watching it.)
Vicki vs. Tamra: Vicki accused Tamra of never sticking up for her in front of Tamra’s then husband, Simon. Simon didn’t particularly like what Vicki was telling Tamra… and Vicki didn’t like the way Simon was treating Tamra. (Vicki and Simon were convinced they were always right… except they were often saying exactly opposite things. It was quite entertaining in a weird way to me… because Tamra was stuck in the middle. The entire situation was Tamra’s kryptonite.)
Vicki vs. Tamra: Brooks and Vicki dating. Tamra wanted Vicki to stop letting Brooks tell her what to think. (The irony of this was that we lived through episode after episode of Vicki telling Tamra the same thing about Simon… The unfair part is that everyone has ganged up on Vicki and Brooks… and the fair part of this is that everyone has ganged up on Vicki and Brooks… lol)
Alexis vs. the World: In Costa Rica, Alexis was confronted about being pretentious. She was told by Tamra that none of them care about her money and that they just want her to be a true person. Alexis told her that Tamra’s the one who came to the jungle with a Louis Vuitton handbag and that she needs to look in the mirror. Oh, and by the way, that Tamra she doesn’t need to be mean and hateful all the time. (Oh, snap! This was a horrible exchange – especially because it was preplanned between Tamra, Heather and Gretchen… and the subject was “pretentiousness.” While arguably, Alexis did name drop quite a bit and brag about her material wealth… they are ALL pretentious little pains in the dupa.)
Gretchen vs. Tamra: Gretchen accused Tamra of talking s*** about her. Gretchen then told Tamra to, “Shut the F*** up.” (The truth was that Tamra was talking all kinds of crap about her. But that’s what happens whenever Tamra opens her mouth – Crap can’t help but spew out.)
Vicki vs. Gretchen: Vicki arguing with Gretchen at the 80s Bunko party about Slade being a deadbeat dad – and about him not working. (This was kind of a fun one to watch for some reason, because we knew by this time that Slade was having issues with being a deadbeat dad… and it seemed like he was purposefully not working so none of any money he earned would be garnished… allegedly. It was entertaining to see him called out on it.)
Heather vs. Sarah: “Bowgate” happened when famished housewife wannabe Sarah grabbed an icing bow off of Her Royal Heatherness’ anniversary cake and ate it. We all thought the ground was actually going to open up and swallow her up whole. Her Royal Heatherness stopped just short of saying, “Off with her head!” Instead, Heather had to settle that Sarah was, “Off of the show.”
Vicki vs. Briana: Briana fighting with her mom over dating Brooks. For once in Vicki’s life she says she’s happy. This does nothing but piss off Briana because it means all those years she was growing up that Vicki was never happy. She also doesn’t like Brooks for a lot of really good reasons… plus he’s just creepy, no? I do have to cry “foul” on Brianna during the Reunion, because she sided with Tamra – and I just don’t think you ever side against your mom in that situation. You just politely refrain from commenting. Leave what Tamra thinks out of the picture. Heck, just leave Tamra out of the picture all together… that would be nice…
Vicki vs. Jeana: Vicki says she has 2 golden rules: “You don’t mess with my family and you don’t mess with my money and Jeana forgot those rules.” Jeana maintains that Vicki can’t blame her for how the economy crashed. (They both could have handled the situation differently. Jeana’s friend was supposed to do some work on the house that didn’t get done in a timely manner in exchange for some free rent, IIRC. Vicki could have kicked him out at any time… Unfortunately, the economy tanked… and the value of the home dropped… but it’s just ridiculous to blame your real estate agent for the economy. No one could have predicted just how far property values would fall.)
Gretchen and Lynne: Gretchen, “Just because you pop a child out between your legs it doesn’t give you God’s right to know how to parent.” Lynne: “Bulls***.” Hardee, har har… This was so funny… Lynne had teenaged girls who were unmanageable spoiled brats and Gretchen of all people tried to give parental advice. I think Gretchen was probably well intentioned… but poor Lynne who was clearly hippy dippy and didn’t have the good sense God gave a goose just stammered, “Bulls***.” Her kids were really going down a very dangerous alcohol (perhaps drug) road… but Gretchen clearly isn’t someone who can give advice on raising teenagers since she doesn’t function beyond a 13 year old herself.
Tamra vs. Jeana: During the finale, Tamra started yelling at Jeana because she made statements to a reporter who called her and asked her to comment about Tamra and Simon’s divorce. Tamra started arguing with Jeana on camera while knowing she had a “Cease and Desist” letter (She actually said, ‘Cyst and Decease’) in her pocket that she was going to give to her. Tamra wanted her to get Jeana out of her life and out of her business. Jeana was no longer on the show but because she remained friends with Simon she was a thorn in Tamra’s side. Tamra then dramatically threw wine on Jeana. Tamra divulged that earlier in the day she had a conversation with a girlfriend and said that if Jeana pissed her off that she would just throw wine in her face. After the scene, Tamra remembers thinking, “Am I going to get arrested?” So when Tamra went to bed that night, she made sure her hair was laying nice and flat and that she kept her eyelashes on so that if she got arrested in the middle of the night that at least she would have a nice mug shot. (She should have been arrested for what she was wearing… but I digress…)
Tamra vs. Alexis: Dinner from hell at C.U.T. Salon – Get the f*** out. (You all remember this one… I cannot talk any more about it without exploding.)
Tamra vs. Simon: Tamra and Simon had the most horrible fight going home in a limo. Tamra told Simon she wanted a divorce. (This was a horribly raw scene to witness. Bravo was salivating all the way…)
The housewives may not agree on much, but when it comes to “Reunion” filming day – they all agree that it’s horrible. They never know in advance where they’re going to sit on the couch – and can only guess which team is which. Alexis says that she gets chills when she hears the word, “Reunion.” Tamra thinks of two words: “Kill me.” Vicki calls it, “A day from hell” because you don’t know who is going to be targeted but that likely everyone will be targeted. Gretchen calls it, “A full out war.” Jeana hated them because she says she’s a nice person and she hated all the fighting. Tamra tells us that they all have their cell phones under their hip so people can send messages to them about what to say. Since these are not live “Reunions” I can only guess that she’s referring to people who are there on the set doing the messaging – or else they’re responding to their cries for help during breaks or something. You never know what’s going to happen at the reunion. One year they even had dive bombing birds that scared the stuffin’ out of Andy. The women know that Andy can be unpredictable and they just never know if he is going to be in a good mood or if he’s, “going to be pissy.” Since they have introduced “viewer” questions into the Reunion shows you never know what is going to be asked. A couple of the notable questions included: To Lauri – “What’s it like to be called a ‘transvestite’?” To Gretchen, “Is it weird to get sloppy thirds?”
Vicki was asked what makes her go back each year? Vicki responded, “I birthed this child…and your children are going to make you mad sometimes, but they’re also going to give you great joy and happiness. This is my baby… And without me being successful and biting the bullet and taking this on my own and doing Season 1… there wouldn’t be a real housewife franchise.” Well, Humble Harriet, there would be a housewife franchise… You just wouldn’t be on it. It wasn’t your idea. It wasn’t your money behind it. You are a participant… an important participant… but not the creator. Sit down and check yourself before you wreck yourself. Wait, perhaps it’s too late.
Why watch? It seems these housewives are under the delusion that we watch their show because we want to be like them. Right, most of us want to become pretentious, pompous pretenders who take great delight in tearing apart their “friends.” Vicki says they live a privileged life and at the end of the day, people like looking at pretty things. Lynne says, “Once the cameras go on – People like to show off their s***. She continues, “I think that Orange County is totally portrayed exactly the way it is… There’s a lot of pretentiousness, I must say… A lot of braggadociosness going on there.” Lauri describes Orange County as, “Status symbols on steroids.” While some of these statements may have some degree of truth to them… the concept that I found completely laughable and sad at the same time was when they started talking about how through the show that they’ve “touched people’s lives.” Gag… Are you kidding? Just what have you done that would touch someone’s life? Other than coming through a couple of health scares… No one has done anything that has “touched” my life. Vicki is a hard worker… but so many of the rest of them, aren’t. You’ve amused me… You’ve caused me to have some emotional reactions – but usually it is frustration or anger at how embarrassing it is for you to pretend to represent “Orange County.” The thing is that you are an endless source of ammunition that I cheerfully use to snark at you. Thank you. In addition, without the “Real Housewives” franchise, I would have never have had the privilege of being part of this blogging community. For that, I’m forever grateful… And that, my friends… is worth millions!
Alexis: “This is not ‘glamping’ — This is full-on camping. There’s no ice, there’s no counter space for your makeup.” (Yeah, and I seem to remember Heather being cranky that there were only glasses for red wine and not for white wine… Now that’s roughing it!)
Alexis: “I’m not going to apologize for liking nice things. That doesn’t make me good or bad… Either way – that’s just who I am.” (Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21.)
Andy Cohen: “It was like an altered state of reality. Where was this place where there was a grotto and moms in bikinis? It was a place I wanted to go.”
Andy Cohen: “You didn’t know if Tamra was a vixen or victim.” (Neither… She’s vicious.)
Gretchen: “These are not fake.” (If that’s true.. they’re the only two things on your body that aren’t.)
Gretchen: “Heather was embraced, like very quickly – and I think cuz they were scared of her.” (You’re jealous that they gave her less of a hard time than they gave to you… and let’s face it… if you all got into a battle of wits, Heather would win – although sadly, she’s not witty.)
Gretchen: “I really think my fashion has been pretty fabulous on this show.” (There are photos that prove otherwise… You may want to rethink that statement.)
Heather to Alexis: “If everyone says you’re dead, it’s time to lie down.” (Heather, you need to sit yourself down and be quiet.)
Heather: “I just think that what happens in married people’s bedrooms is not that interesting and doesn’t need to go outside.” (Well, perhaps that’s true of YOUR bedroom…)
Heather: “You are held accountable for everything that comes out of your mouth.” (Yep… and the footage is there for posterity so you will continue to be accountable for the foreseeable future. Better quit now…)
Jeana: “As the production became bigger, our fashion got better, our makeup got better.” (Ummm…. No it didn’t…lol.)
Jeana: “If you weren’t doing a short sale, you couldn’t sell your house. I went from six cars to one car. Why did I need six cars?” (When needing to downsize… most of us say something like, “Why do I need 6 pairs of sneakers”…. Not 6 cars… Get a freakin’ grip!)
Jeana: “Rolexes are special – They mean you’ve made it in life. I have the same one in a different color … I just don’t wear it.” (That’s funny, my cell phone does the same exact thing… Who is the fool?)
Jeana: “I think Vicki burned everything she wore in the first season – She hated the way she looked in her clothes.” (Yeah, fashion choices are not your strong suit…lol… get it? Strong suit? Lolol…)
Jo: “I don’t want to be a role model to anybody. I don’t want any responsibilities.” (Spoken like a true 24 year old not wanting to be saddled with 2 kids and a control freak who is a slimeball.)
Lauri: “Producers suggested we remain natural…no makeup, sweats and a baseball cap – And that works one time.” (Isn’t it funny how people think they look so much better plastered with makeup and it really only makes them look phony?)
Lydia: “The best thing about being the new girl is that I’m a clean slate… There isn’t this long history and a long laundry list of reasons why they don’t like you. I would say in Orange County because it’s been around the longest, the girls have such a rich history with each other. And those bonds are so deep but also those wounds are so deep. So I’m constantly having to play catch up.” (The first cut is the deepest, Lydia.)
Lynne: “It keeps on licking… It keeps a ticking and keeps on licking… What was that saying?” (I don’t know, but yours is better… lol)
Lynne (On their eviction): “That was the worst day of my life. I thought we had money when we didn’t.” (It was horrible.)
Lynne: “Words hurt.” (Tru dat.)
Tamra, Jeana, and Vicki were on the “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno playing a “Jeopardy” style game wherein they had to name Christopher Columbus’ 3 ships. Between Jeana and Vicki they came up with the Santa Maria… but then Tamra chimes in with her guess, “The Pinto.” Vicki wonders aloud why they need to know all of this right now. Jay Leno responded, “Well, apparently you don’t.”
President Barack Obama: “You’re competing with people in Beijing and Bangalore, and they’re not watching the ‘Real Housewives’.”
Simon to Tamra: “I want a respectful wife that acts like she’s married.” (Obviously, you haven’t even met Tamra… Simon, this is Tamra… Tamra, this is Simon.)
Tamra (after receiving her birthday gift from Simon): “Rolex with diamonds. I’m 40. I deserve it!” (Where is that Rolex now, honey?)
Tamra to Jeana: “It’s none of your effing business. Do you understand me? Stay out of my life. This is a letter from my attorney. It’s a ‘cyst and decease’!” (Nothing more needs to be said.)
Tamra: “It’s about moral character. That’s what it’s about.” (Pigs must be flying because Tamra is lecturing about “moral character.”)
Tamra: “One of the hardest moments was when Lynne and Frank got served an eviction notice.” (Yep.)
Tamra: “Heather has been just a blessing, I mean she’s a true friend of me… She’ everything that Alexis wants to be and isn’t. She’s elegant, she’s classy, she’s smart, and she has real money.” (Nice to see that while giving a compliment to Heather you felt the need to bash Alexis in the same breath. Gee, I wonder why she doesn’t like you? I wonder why none of us like you!)
Tamra: “Hold on to your Daddies girls, here comes Gretchen!” (I gotta admit, the way Tamra squealed this from inside the limo when Gretchen was walking down the sidewalk towards them had me laughing… I kind of felt bad afterward… but I still laughed…)
Tamra: “Is your ass jealous of the s*** that comes out of your mouth.” (While I totally believe this was one of Tamra’s pre-prepared statements she committed to memory that was ready to be used at the appropriate time… it was still pretty funny.)
Tamra: “Were you calling me an evil bitch?” Gretchen responds, “Yeah, I totally kind of was.” (Yeah, you kind of were. Thank you.)
Tamra: “You are psychotic, Jesus Jugs.” (Takes one to know one… Neener, neener, neener!)
Vicki says about Heather: “She brought class back to our season – Which I love, I love a lady with class.” (Wow… Why is Vicki kissin’ Heather’s dupa? She must want to sell them some life insurance or something…)
Vicki: “I’m trying to make money here, Briana.” (Vicki, you’re always trying to make money.)
Vicki: “My vagina is perfect.” (Not saying a word… Nope… nope… nope.)
Vicki: “People that think, ‘Okay, well, you’re a C or D star’ – I don’t care what number it is – I’m still a reality star.” (Ummmm… Vicki… those are letters not numbers…lol.)
Vicki: “Anybody who knows me knows that I hate fighting. I hate it. I’m a butterfly and flower happy thing – but just don’t piss me off.” (Shall we heretofore refer to you as, “Madam Butterfly?” Perhaps Lydia’s mom will sprinkle you with fairy glitter…)
Vicki: “Donn says, ‘Look at all these reality TV stars that are losing their marriages over this… He goes, ‘I’ll be damned if we’re going to be one of them.’ I said, ‘Honey, we’re never going to be one of them.’ Seven years in we were one of them.” (You who stand, take heed lest you fall.)
Vicki: “I totally haze every girl that comes on and I’m trying to get better about that but I hate new girls.” (Such a nice person, that Vicki…)
Vicki: “This is my show… To me it’s like, ‘Come in, shut-up and sit down and let us come to you.’” (Get over yourself…)
Vicki: “We’re high maintenance, just put up with us.” (You’re acting like a child… You need a time-out!)
Vicki: “You don’t need to help me, I’m good. You don’t even know me.” (You’re not good… She’s right… At times, you say mean things to people.)
Donn to Vicki: “You’re just a bitch. That’s rude.” (Why yes, Donn, Vicki can be a bitch.)
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