Real Housewives of Orange County
The episode starts at a very empty and crazily unfinished CUT Fitness Studio. It looks like the flooring and the painting both still need to be done. Wow – that’s just silly. They really should have the HGTV Design Star crew come in since they could knock this out in 2 days. Eddie had a table and chairs set up for dinner with Tamra. They’re both cranky that the construction is taking so long. The studio was supposed to be ready to open weeks ago. Tamra is just so over it – she just wants to get it open. Right… because officially opening the doors to a new business is when the work ends, right Tamra? Lolol… Isn’t that where the real grunt work begins? Evidently, the previous night was Lydia’s “Salsa Party.” In tonight’s edition of “I kid You Not” Tamra actually tells Eddie with a completely straight face (pun intended) that, “You could pass for a gay man in a split second.” Without blinking an eye, Eddie nods and responds with, “Well, I like to dance.” Okay, this is really just too easy… Talk about throwing a soft ball out to bloggers… Well, maybe not so soft… but I digress… C’mon Tamra, you should try to make poking fun at you at least a little harder (No, I did not just make several innuendos… it’s just your own dirty little minds playing tricks on you again). As sirens are whirling and red flags are popping up all over the place screaming at them to rethink this whole male/female marriage thing… the two continue their conversation as if they haven’t said anything out of the ordinary – Not that there’s anything wrong with it – But Eddie, you just prolly shouldn’t marry Tamra…. Well, actually, no one should be marrying Tamra… but that’s a whole nuther Oprah.
As Mr. Overcompensation continues, he tells Tamra that she looked, “Damn sexy last night.” I’m not going to say he’s a fashionista or anything… but he does have some specific opinions about fashion, not that there’s anything wrong with that, either… Tamra tells him that she is annoyed with Gretchen. Tamra invited everyone to go wedding dress shopping with her and that she wanted it to be a fun day. Tamra did not expect Gretchen to say that she wouldn’t go just because Alexis was also going. Eddie astutely says that Gretchen is being childish. Then, Eddie all of the sudden says, “What are you doing?” Evidently, while they were talking, Tamra was feeding the dog and Eddie has a conniption fit. Tamra all but ignores him and tells him that Gretchen has been texting her over and over about tomorrow – but that she’s ignoring the texts. She calls Gretchen self-centered and egotistical. (I’m shocked! Shocked, I tell you!) Tamra doesn’t know what to expect tomorrow…
Heather tells us that as soon as she finished, “Hot in Cleveland” she gets a call about an amazing show called, “Malibu Country.” ooOOOOOOOo I love me some Reba… She’s excited and she’s going to the table read that day. This is a very kewl opportunity because it’s possibly a recurring role. She said that when she told Terry about the role that he didn’t make jokes about it or belittle it in any way. He was so excited and just hugged her and kissed her. Terry is probably just tired of sleeping in the royal dog house. All Heather wants is the correct balance of family and work. They’re talking on the phone while Heather is being driven to the table read. Terry says, “Have fun but not too much champs, okay?” Heather starts making gargled staticky impressions and says, “What, there’s a bad connection!” I want to take this time to reiterate that only chumps say “champs.
People are gathering at Tamra’s house to go wedding dress shopping. Lauri thinks it is funny that this will be Tamra’s 3rd time at the altar and that she distinctly remembers Tamra bashing Lauri when she got married for the 3rd time. Tamra says, “Even though I’ve been married 2 times before – Every other wedding dress was a maternity dress.” Whoa… now that’s a statement, no? Tamra has no idea about the kind of dress she wants and she wants her friends to help her pick it out. Tamra explains that Alexis and Heather are going to meet them there and that they’re picking-up Gretchen on the way.
Lydia is asked about what happened between she and Gretchen at the Salsa Party – all they heard was that Slade told her she needed a cheeseburger. Obviously, Slade has a habit of criticizing women – they’re too fat, too short, not the right nose… etc. Lydia thought it was ironic because she was eating and he was standing right there with Gretchen and he was acting like a 12 year old girl in the corner and whispering about Lydia to Gretchen. Vicki says, “Grow up Slade, you’re not a girl, oh wait, maybe you are.” Lolol… Tamra told Lydia that if it was something he wanted her to hear then he wouldn’t have whispered it. Lydia agrees that you just don’t whisper a joke. Lydia thinks that a man should not comment on a woman’s looks – it’s just not nice. Lydia says it rubbed her wrong and as a result she thought, “He was kind of a tool.” My mind is spinning at just what kind of a tool Slade is… I think maybe a “Flathead Screwdriver” not only because we could nickname him “Fathead” (You know, cuz they sound the same) but also because he just talks around and around in circles, has limited usefulness and torque, and in most projects he’s easily replaced by a “Phillips Head Screwdriver.”
Lydia tells us that she thought the whole thing was just nasty. She doesn’t like people to judge her on her body – there’s enough of that judging going on in Orange County. The fact that Slade doesn’t want to take any responsibility for what he said just infuriates Lydia. Now, if Gretchen had said what Lydia just said, I’m sure she would have said that it, “infurryates” her. Lolol… They pull up to Gretchen’s house and they see Slade going in the front door, and Lydia sarcastically says, “Oh look, the man of my dreams.” They talk about Gretchen’s Rolls Royce and Tamra says that Heather doesn’t even drive a Rolls Royce and she has a house the size of Japan.” Vicki just wants to throw up. So do we.
Vicki just can’t help herself and makes a snide comment that Gretchen and Slade need to spruce up their front yard. As Gretchen gets into the limo, it’s pointed out that everyone else is wearing very subdued colors like black and white while Gretchen is wearing fire engine red. This day should be about Tamra and her wedding dress shopping day yet Gretchen can’t resist trying to be the center of attention. Lydia says, “Whoa, whoa” and points out the fact that Gretchen is wearing what looks like to be a honkin’ engagement ring. Gretchen corrects her, “Oh, this is just my ring from Jeff that I wear once in a while. It’s such a beautiful ring.” In her talking head Vicki rants in her talking head, “Why is Gretchen wearing Jeff’s engagement ring at Tamra’s wedding dress shopping day? We’ve never seen you wear this ring in the last two years and suddenly you’re wearing it now?” Vicki just can’t get over the fact that it’s Tamra’s day and what the heck is Gretchen doing? Gretchen asks Tamra if she had ever done a wedding dress before? In a Captain Obvious kind of way, Tamra responds, “Um, yes, I have been married a couple of times…” Lauri says that the 3rd time is a charm and you’ve gotta go big on your 3rd wedding. On a side note… I guarantee you that NO ONE in Orange County wears their most expensive jewelry when going shopping in Los Angeles or in some parts of Orange County. That’s the time you DON’T wear the good stuff – Not even the fake good stuff unless you’re going to a function of some sort. In fact, most don’t wear much jewelry at all when going into L.A. because you don’t want to call attention to it. Seriously, Gretchen has no common sense. Oh and by the way… though I really don’t care about Slade’s feelings at all… How do you think it would feel if the woman you want to marry still wears an engagement ring that she got from someone else – Especially when there is no way on earth that you can afford to buy her a ring of equal expense?
Heather and Alexis are waiting for the others to arrive. They are having a cordial conversation and no one is telling the other to STFU or anything… Go figure! Heather is happy that she and Alexis can be in the same room and have an actual conversation. Tamra is asked if she has any ideas of the kind of dress she is looking for – or the theme for the wedding or anything. Tamra says that her philosophy is that she is going to plan the wedding around the type of dress she gets. Since they don’t yet even have a date, they’ll plan the location, theme, etc. around the dress. All the women are like kids in a candy store as they paw through the dresses. Gretchen is off to the side not even looking at the dresses while everyone else is having way too much fun for words looking carefully at each one… Tamra is determined that she will wear a dress to bed every single night just to get Eddie to set a wedding date. As they reach for some champagne, Heather says that, “Champs is a necessity during wedding dress shopping.” Lydia asks Alexis if things are good between her and Heather. Alexis says, “The making amends world tour is done and we can now all sing ‘Kumbaya.’”
As Tamra is trying on dresses and modeling them, she explains that the dresses are really, really heavy and that there’s an internal corset that requires that you take short, shallow breaths. Everyone tells Tamra that she looks like, “Bridal Barbie.” Alexis says, “There’s something so elegant, and sweet and innocent about seeing a woman in a wedding gown… even Tamra.” Gosh Alexis, and you wonder why people don’t like you? Vicki clues in Alexis about how Gretchen had told Tamra that she wouldn’t come shopping if Alexis was coming. Vicki thinks Gretchen looks at Alexis as being a threat to her and felt that it was important for Alexis to know that Tamra stood up for her. By the way, even Alexis had the good sense to wear beige for this shopping excursion.
As Tamra continues to try on dresses, Heather says that Tamra has a figure to die for and that whatever that “inner corset” is that she wants one. However, everyone thinks she said “intercourse” instead of “inner corset” and completely dies laffing. Alexis has to leave, and goes into the back where Tamra is trying on dresses. Tamra tells us, “Alexis is here and we’re not yelling at each other – Who would have known?” Alexis tells her, “I want to say, ‘Thank you’” because Vicki had just told her what happened regarding Gretchen. Alexis says, “I thank you… it means a lot.” Alexis says her goodbyes and tells us that she put the past behind her regarding Tamra. However, regarding Gretchen, in one of the funniest statements Alexis has ever made, she says, “I just wish sometimes that Gretchen would eat some of her own make-up so she could become pretty on the inside again.” Tamra looks at this whole thing as a turning point in her friendship with Alexis but that she doesn’t know how long it’s going to last. It’s hysterical that Gretchen can barely say a civil goodbye to Alexis. Gretchen says, “I don’t hate her… I don’t like someone challenging who I am as a friend to them – I don’t need friends like that.” Oh Gretchen honey, you need all the friends you can get!
Idle chit chat ensues while Tamra is trying on dresses. Perhaps next time they’re picking out wedding dresses or talking about weddings it will be for Gretchen… Lydia says perhaps it will be for Vicki and Brooks. Vicki quickly says, “No, that won’t be happening.” Lydia wonders what happened because Vicki and Brooks left together after the Salsa Party. Vicki told them that she and Brooks went out for dinner and they ended everything. Everyone asks, “But why?” Vicki sighs and says, “Because I don’t fit his mold – His greatest love language is ‘quality time’ and that’s one thing I can’t give to him right now. After 2 years of dating he should enter all areas of my life and he can’t because one of them is my kid – and it just doesn’t work for him anymore.” Vicki further explains to us, “I feel traumatized because getting a divorce, and then falling in love with somebody and then having that end – It hurts.” Gretchen asks Vicki if she thinks Briana will ever change her mind on that? Vicki says she doesn’t know – but that Briana is just not open to it. Lauri then says, “I know Briana well enough and Michael enough to know that… I mean, they must feel something different – or there must be an intuition kicking in…” Vicki agrees that Briana wants her to be happy and not be alone… but that she just doesn’t want her to be with Brooks. Lauri says she wants to talk to Vicki about some things at some point and that she reiterates that she thinks there’s an intuition that’s kicking in with her kids’ reactions (More champs is poured)…you can almost hear ominous music playing in the background…
Lauri asks Vicki to expound about when they broke off their relationship. Vicki says that it got bad about 2-3 months ago. Vicki’s asked, “Are you guys dating other people?” Vicki replies, “He has been…” Lauri jumps in, “Well, he HAS been and the only reason I’m bringing this up is because I’ve heard some things…” Vicki is surprised that Brooks would even know anyone who Lauri would also know. Lauri says that she has some uncomfortable information and that she doesn’t know how much of it is true. She also doesn’t know if they should talk about it on Tamra’s day (too late). Lauri tells Vicki that Brooks is dating “one of our children’s friends.” Vicki says, “He is fully able and willing to go date other people.” Vicki hasn’t dated but she knows that Brooks has been dating. Gretchen says, “So you didn’t have an agreement to be
‘manamanous?’” (Okay, in full disclosure… it could be construed that Gretchen pronounced it “monogamous” – but my hubster and I both listened to it over and over again… then checked how “closed captioning” captured it – and they replaced that word with “nonrestrictive” and since we prefer to point and laugh, and also since Gretchen never deserves the benefit of the doubt, we maintain that she said “manamanous.”) Somewhere in the night, Stars starts to inexplicably sing a song with the Muppets, “Mah na mah na”…
Vicki continues, “No, we broke up.” Then Vicki says she wants to know who it is that he’s been dating. As if it’s important, Vicki emphasizes that, “He wasn’t cheating on me.” Brooks wasn’t cheating on her because they had reached an agreement that they were kind of done. Vicki says, “At the end of the day, I will always love Brooks – He truly is an amazing man – He got into my mind and he got into my heart in a way that no one else has.” Right, and he got into your money, too…and into your business with a crazy business dealing… Whoa, Vicki really dodged a bullet with that one. Vicki still wants to talk privately with Lauri cuz she wants to know, “Who the bitch is.” Then it comes out that the girl is young and Vicki wants to know just how young she is. Lauri, who is relishing serving this ice cold platter of revenge disguised as this horrible, hateful information, just keeps being evasive and saying, “She is very young.” Lauri doesn’t know for sure but she’s probably under 21. Vicki says, “Under 21?” She thinks that’s a lie. Vicki knows Brooks’ has a son that’s 22 and that he wouldn’t date someone younger than that. Lauri says, “Well, they might not be dating… I just know that they’re together.” Vicki starts to stutter and gets more and more animated and agitated as she continues to pump Lauri for information. Lauri gleefully continues, “A friend of one of our daughters has been with him… Vicki says, “A friend of one of your daughters has been dating Brooks?” Lauri isn’t so sure that they’re “dating” but she’s been “with him.” Vicki wants to know what she means… does she mean sexually? Lauri doesn’t know about sexually… but Vicki wants to know what “with him” means… Lauri explains that it’s for breakfast and dinners… and then in her talking head, Lauri says that she doesn’t know for a fact that they’re sleeping together – but she can only assume.
Vicki wants to know where they met. Lauri says that he met her at a poker party – and that the story is that he was throwing $100s to all these girls… Vicki says, “Well, that’s what they do at poker parties in the middle of the night.” Nervous laughter fills the air… Vicki says, “So obviously, that’s just wonderful. Even Gretchen is consoling Vicki at this point. Lauri is saying she told her because she knows that she would want to know. Lydia chimes in that she would want to know, too – Especially if they’ve broken up because this will help Vicki move on. Lauri insists she doesn’t know the nature of the relationship but that the girl refers to him as her, “Sugar Daddy.” In her talking head, Vicki says that if any of what Lauri is saying is true – it really hurts because she still has feelings for Brooks and that the feelings don’t just go away overnight. Lauri says she has a video tape of the girl – Not of she and Brooks together but of what she does for a living. Wow… this just keeps getting better and better.
Vicki asks, “Is she a hooker?” Lauri confirms that she did do a porn video. Vicki says, “She and Brooks did a porn video?” “Lauri said, “No, no, no…no..” Gretchen, because after all she is a slime in every sense of the word, says in her talking head that she’s not surprised that Brooks may be out philandering on Vicki because for all that time Vicki was philandering on Donn… and that Vicki was philandering on Brooks with that guy in Cabo. Gretchen says, “You know, Karma is a bitch, isn’t it, Vicki?” Wow… here and I didn’t think Gretchen even knew any four syllable words – Much less, to be able to use them in a sentence. She even uses the same word three different times for emPHAsis… lol… Actually, I’m not even sure that Gretchen said, “philandering” to be honest – it almost sounded more like “flandering” to me – which kind of makes more sense, since it only has 3 syllables. Leave it to Gretchen to flounder on the philandering… lolol. Vicki just keeps trying to wrap her head around the concept that Brooks may be dating someone his daughter’s age and that he seems to be dating someone who has actually made a porno. It all just doesn’t seem to make sense to her. For some reason, it doesn’t shock me a bit… but then again, I’ve always felt Brooks was really creepy. Lydia feels that Lauri should be telling Vicki this stuff privately because it’s brought a “dirty” air to room that’s filled with white wedding dresses.
Just in time, Tamra comes out in another amazing wedding dress… And she can breathe in it! Woo hooo… Everyone tells her the dress is fabulous! It’s perfect and she wants it – all $10,000 of it… Gretchen left because she says she has a, “speaking engagement.” Fortunately, all of the people who are appropriately dressed are still there so they can take a picture. Vicki then steps away because she is sobbing…
During this commercial break, we all desperately want to see the Kraft Zesty Italian guy come on… but sadly, we only see a Skinny Girl commercial…Sigh…
Tamra doesn’t know why Vicki is crying (because of course, she and Heather were in the back when all this juicy information got spilled). Lauri goes over to console Vicki and asks her not to be upset with her. Lydia consoles Vicki and tells her she thinks she’s handling things really well but that it’s just really hurtful. Lauri said that if Vicki had still been dating Brooks that she probably wouldn’t have said anything, but that since they’re “over” she felt comfortable saying something to her. Huh? How does that even make sense? “Now that you’re not dating him, I can tell you he’s been unfaithful to you with a 21 year old?” So, if she had gone through and married him, you wouldn’t have ever told her? Lauri, you have said you’re really mad at Vicki for withholding information from you about George’s ex-mother-in law… but you’re now turning around saying that you would do much worse? You make my head hurt…
As they’re back in the limo on their way to dinner, Vicki is putting on a plastic happy face (well, actually, she already had one on)… and says, “I’m doing great.” Vicki finds herself stupidly trying to console the snake, Lauri by saying, “No Lauri, you didn’t make me mad.” In her talking head, Heather tells us that she knows that clearly something has happened. She says that you should never stray away from the group or else might you miss out on some pertinent information. They arrive at the restaurant and Vicki steps away from the table to field an incoming phone call. Tamra bemoans the fact that she thinks Vicki is going to be taking phone calls on Tamra’s wedding day if it means she’ll make some money.
Lauri then dutifully starts to clue in Heather and Tamra about what happened. But first, Heather tells Tamra that Vicki and Brooks officially broke-up but that she didn’t want to say anything at that point. Lauri then spills the information that her 19 year old daughter had actually met Brooks. One of her daughter’s friends was “seeing” Brooks. Heather wants to know, “So how old is the girl?” Lauri doesn’t say… but says she saw a porn video, let’s just say that…” Heather wide-eyed said, “Can I say something without being rude, but did she need to know that?” Lauri says that she would want to know. Heather says that she’s the opposite… If she doesn’t need to know – then it doesn’t affect her world and therefore wouldn’t hurt her. Lydia says that she would want to know. Heather said that you would want to know if you were dating him again… Heather tells us that what Lauri is saying doesn’t make any sense. Heather doesn’t understand why Lauri would give this terrible information to Vicki about Brooks. She muses, “Is she trying hurt Vicki on purpose? Why go there?” Ummm… ya think? Vicki comes back to the table as the two chef/co-owners come up to the table. OMG… they’re at “Border Grill” – Susan Feniger and Mary Sue Milliken’s restaurant… How fun! I love them!
Heather announces to the table that she was offered a recurring role on, “Malibu Country.” The show stars Sara Rue, Lily Tomlin (everyone, ohhhhs) and Reba McIntyre (oooOOooooo)… Lydia says, “Heather was fancy pants before – but now she’s fancy outfit.” Tamra said that Gretchen told her that if Alexis was going to go today that she wasn’t going to go because she got offered a part in, “Reba McIntyre’s new show.” Heather confirmed that Gretchen told her that, too. Heather tells them that after her table read for the show, she was talking to the casting directors and she said that her girlfriend, Gretchen Rossi had told her that she was offered a part on this show, too. They told her, “No, she wasn’t offered anything.” Vicki immediately responded, “So she’s a liar face?”
Okay… then we have some talk about placenta and oatmeal… and I refuse to rewind and listen to it again, much less type out the very gross conversation… sorry…
Heather continues on with her story… Evidently, this particular show only shoots on Thursdays and not on Fridays. Since they went dress shopping on Friday there seems to be something really wrong about Gretchen’s story. Gretchen told Tamra that she gave up the role on “Malibu Country” so that she could go dress shopping with her – but now there is no role? Heather says that either Gretchen was colossally confused or she’s a liar. Vicki confirms repeatedly, of course, she’s a liar… is a liar, is a liar, is a liar… Lauri, in her talking head said that she’s “really offended” that Vicki is calling Gretchen “a liar” when she’s been lying to everybody… she’s the liar…” Of course, she wouldn’t say that to Vicki’s face… she would just pretend to be a good friend who only has Vicki’s best interests in mind while stabbing her in the heart and twisting the knife… Heather says that it does bother her that Gretchen used that story for that purpose when it was not true. Tamra said, “This is what bothers me… That she bold faced lied to me when I’ve really opened up to her. Tamra continues to try to make her point that she doesn’t open up very easily or to many people. She turns to Vicki and says, “I don’t open up to you, really… I don’t open up to anyone…” Vicki confronts Tamra about how it seems she saying that she opens up more to Gretchen than to Vicki. Tamra tells her to just listen… Vicki continues, “That’s stupid.” Tamra tries to continue, “Just listen… I had gotten close to her and she bold faced lied to me instead of saying she didn’t want to go if Alexis was going to be there – she made up this lie.” Tamra says that she doesn’t want any of her friends to feel like they need to make up a story to look good in her eyes. In her talking head, Tamra says that it took a long time for her to get over Gretchen lying to her… and here we are a year later and she’s lying again. It hurts her feelings.
Well, it looks like next week they’re taking another trip. Since the RHOC have exhausted their welcome and aren’t able to film throughout the rest of the country and even in Mexico, they’re heading to Canada for a ski trip. Sighs… I really love Canuckians – they are kind and good-hearted people… What did they ever do to deserve this? See ya next time!