Real Housewives of Orange County
Note: Surprisingly, I find that I don’t actually detest RHOC all that much this Season. Don’t get me wrong, I cringe every week because I just never know what’s going to happen – but I’m finding myself to be amused by them most of the time. I’d almost categorize it as a, “Reality Sitcom” – but without professional actors or well written scripts.” And no, Alexis’ recent acting classes don’t qualify her to be a “professional actor.” Oh sure, I point and laugh at them and they are all still very delusional and self-absorbed – but at least it’s not the Crapfest (ty, Mel) that RHNJ has become. Last week, remember it was Tamra’s special wedding dress shopping day… Gretchen was nice enough to wear a flasher’s bright red trench coat while sporting her dead fiancé’s engagement ring… Lauri gleefully told Vicki that Brooks was dating her daughter’s “very young” friend… Gretchen was caught in a lie… and pigs started to fly when Heather and Alexis were able to be alone in a room by themselves and have a civil conversation. Who knew?
The episode opens with Lydia at her house along with her makeup artist Nicole who is applying her makeup. Nicole is inexplicably wearing a headband. After seeing this, I can’t resist partially blaming Nicole for Lydia’s headband obsession… We find out that Lydia has arranged a trip to Canada and all the women are going. Lydia is a dual citizen and she’s amazed at how Americans know very little about Canada when it’s just to the north of us. Lydia, do you know how many people can’t even come up with the names of the states to the north, south, east and west of them? Alexis comes over to Lydia’s house with a gift in hand. I could never afford being friends with these people – if I had to bring a gift every time I saw one of my friends I’d go bankrupt! Alexis knows that Lydia had a hard time in Mexico with some of the women and so she gave Lydia a small Swarovski crystal covered Bible – Alexis has one, too. You can get them at Nordstrom’s for $120: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/glitzy-bella-crystal-covered-bible/3434921 – At other sites it’s advertised as a keepsake that could be appropriate for a christening or a first communion… or evidently, a ski trip to Canada. Alexis wants Lydia to be well equipped for the trip – and what’s inside the Bible is all the ammunition she will need… I guess Alexis thinks that she’ll be able to shoot her with the gospel gun or something…
Heather is clothes shopping at Muse with Tamra. Tamra asks Heather which wedding dress she should choose? Heather safely replies that she looks gorgeous in all of them. Tamra does not think she has enough warm things for the trip to Whistler. Tamra says, “There is a reason there are more people living in Southern California than in all of Canada… It’s because it’s cold as hell there.” Well, technically, hell isn’t known to be cold, but I digress. Heather’s time in Canada is going to be cut short because of her commitments to, “Malibu Country.” Heather thinks it’s important to show up, spend some time with the girls and then come back for her “Malibu Country” shooting because she wants to support Lydia. This idea is preposterous to Tamra – who obviously can’t fathom the concept of being supportive of anyone but herself.
Tamra and Heather talk about how Lauri is going on the trip with all of them. Tamra disclosed that Gretchen called and told her that Lauri said that she had walked in on Vicki having a threesome. Heather confirmed that Gretchen had told her the same thing. In her talking head, Tamra expresses that this does not seem like Vicki-type of behavior. Tamra tells us that Vicki can hardly even say the word “vagina” and she doubts she’s going to, “Go down on one.” (Don’t blame me… Tamra’s the one who said it….Bravo aired it… I’m just perpetuating the story, morning glory…). Heather doesn’t think it’s anyone’s business and doesn’t understand why Lauri would bring it up at all. Tamra is not sure if she should bring it up to Vicki or not…
Gretchen is packing and she sure has a lot of furs for someone who lives in Southern California. That’s just infurryating to me! Gretchen tells Slade she’s afraid of snowboarding because, “What if I break my hip and then I can’t have a baby!” Gretchen gestures to her hips and implies she needs to keep them in good working condition… Slade’s response, “Keep those hips for daddy.” (Ack… gag… KMN!) Gretchen says, “Cold weather in OC is about 60 degrees and sunny … and cold weather in Canada is a gigantic snow storm with below 20 degrees.” Actually, Gretchen, Canadians break out the suntan lotion at 20 degrees.
As Alexis packing, she actually has a glove that has a ring pre-placed on the outside of glove’s ring finger. Alexis explains, “I want to be married all the time, even while I’m skiing.” Right, because marriage is all about the ring, right? Then she puts on a fuzzy hat with pom pom dangles. Okay, now before ya’ll start making fun of her… I had one just like that when I lived in Ohio when I was in 4th grade – but mine was a stylish white with grey accents, tyvm. Her friend tells her that she should wear that hat only when it’s accented by a “red lip.” Her friend picks up Alexis’ crystalized Bible and refers to it as a “Bedazzled Notebook.” The entire world falls on the floor laughing… I’m sure somewhere God is laughing, too… He has a sense of humor… After all, He created the anteater, giraffe, and duckbilled platypus!
Briana is helping Vicki pack for Whistler and Vicki suggests that she take a shirt that has no back. Vicki brought the “fun bus” to Mexico and she promises that the “fun bus” is now going to Whistler. If that blouse is what Vicki is planning to almost wear she’s going to freeze her sweet patootie off. Although, Vicki knows she does need to pick out her outfits carefully, because she says, “Gretchen is going to wear costumes, and I don’t want to be Gretchen.”
Cue Gretchen walking into her room while holding a white ski jumpsuit… Slade thinks it’s from the 1980s but Gretchen doesn’t even catch the drift that he thinks it’s horrible. Gretchen says she always has to have a theme for everything she does and that she loves to play dress-up. Hey Gretch, I hear Slade’s ex-fiancé Jo has a nice sexy French maid outfit you can borrow! Just sayin’…
Lydia is excited because she planned the trip herself and there will be no strippers and no ginormous penises because she’s in control this time. As these embarrassing Americans walk through the Canadian airport, they attempt to sing, “O Canada” but of course they don’t know the words or the melody. They are greeted with a normal looking airport shuttle – but never fear, champagne is here! Cheers! While on route, Lydia tells the girls that her handsome uncle who lives in Vancouver is going to meet them at the ski resort. Lydia confirms he is single. Everyone immediately clues in to try to hook up Vicki with him – although Vicki says she doesn’t need or want any help.
Heather breaks the news that she’s not going to be staying long because of her job on “Malibu Country” which starts shooting the very next day. As Gretchen questioned Heather about the role itself – Heather confirmed that she already started the job the previous Friday (wedding dress shopping day) and it’s why she was in L.A. earlier that day and had to meet them at the store rather than driving with them in the limo. Tamra indicates that Gretchen also got a call from, “Malibu Country.” Heather differentiates that Gretchen’s call was about a small 2 line part that ultimately wasn’t even used – but that Heather’s part was for a different, larger role. Heather tells Gretchen, “You had told me that they had offered you a part on the show, too – So what happened was after the table read, I said, ‘Oh, my girlfriend Gretchen Rossi said she got offered a part on the show’ And they go, ‘No, that’s not what happened. We called to check availability for her for like a couple-line part on the show but that part went away. ’” Gretchen said, “’They called me and I said, ‘Oh okay, I think I am available that day’… but then I ended up going to her dress fitting and not doing what they said that they wanted me to come in…” (Yeah, didn’t make much sense to me, either…) Heather said that even with her larger role that she had plenty of time to get to the table read and then she was able to go dress shopping afterwards. Heather asserts that Gretchen would have also been able to do both with no problem. Gretchen says, “Heather is going by the technicality that they don’t shoot on Fridays… Okay, they don’t shoot on Fridays – So maybe I used the wrong term. When are these girls going to learn I don’t make s*** up?” Gretchen honey, we ALL know that if you were actually offered a part, any part, any part at all on television – that you would have dropped going wedding dress shopping like a hot potato – or at least you would have asked for the shopping to be rescheduled, if possible. Alexis chimes in that, “Malibu County” called her publicist, too… Heather once again, feels the need to differentiate that it was for a smaller part. Gretchen doesn’t understand why she’s made out to be a liar face when Alexis said the same thing. Heather, Her Royal Bitterness, wonders aloud if “Baby Troy” is the next one who will be offered a role on, “Malibu Country.”
They finally arrive at the Four Seasons Resort at Whistler – Vicki thinks it looks so beautiful that it’s like they’re at the Swiss Alps. Gretchen thinks it feels like they’re in a winter wonderland and says, “The snow is perfectly drizzling out of the sky… We walk into this lobby and this fun canoe… Wait…Was it a canoe? What was that?” Well, most of the world would call it a “bobsled”… Even people who live in Jamaica know enough to call it a “bobsled.” And by the way, it’s rain that drizzles… Snow falls, wafts, or blankets the ground. Sorry guys, we actually do have mountains here in Southern California – so there is no excuse for this nonsense!
Lydia is so excited to be in Canada. She says, “We are about a good time, we’re not about the “crazies.” We must remember she’s the new kid on the block… I’m actually surprised they let this group into Canada. Maybe, they won’t let them back into the United States… We can only dream… Lydia’s Uncle Greg from Vancouver knocks on her door. Lydia is nervous for her uncle to be in a room with this bunch of women. She’s worried about him being protected. As the girls come in and meet him, they all confirm that Uncle Greg is a cutie – Even Vicki. Heather snidely encourages Vicki in her talking head that, “It’s a trip; have fun!” Tamra is wondering if she should spill the beans to Vicki about what Lauri is saying about Vicki behind her back. Tamra says that she would be so pissed if it happened to her…
They all start relaxing and clinking their glasses, “cheers” while initiating small talk with the lone voice of testosterone in this sea of hormonal, competitive, and batcrap crazy women. In tonight’s edition of, “I kid you not”, Gretchen says to Greg (You know, the guy who actually lives in Vancouver), “So, you know a little about Canada?” Everyone falls on the floor laughing. Greg responds, “Ummm… I would hope I know a little bit about Canada.” Yeah, it’s not like he lives there or anything. Dumbass. Vicki, who was being a smartass, asked if he drove a car. Gretchen tells us that she is just trying to engage him. Gretchen says, “Apparently, trying to be somewhat intelligent about the culture that we’re in is inappropriate questioning.” In a Captain Obvious kind of way, the girls identify to Uncle Greg that Vicki is not married. Lydia tells us that she doesn’t want Vicki to be a new aunt in her family because, “We’re good on crazy.” Uncle Greg breaks everyone’s heart by confirming that he’s dating someone. No one says a word and an awkward silence fills the land. Heather gets up to leave. Already, seriously? It is like 3:00 AM – she literally only got there like 4-5 hours earlier at the most (it seems). Alexis is cranky because she got so much grief from all of them for leaving their Costa Rica trip early but no one is giving Heather a bad time. Silly Alexis, don’t you know by now that different rules apply to different people, differently? And Heather is coming back for a job; you were coming back because your husband was acting like an oaf.
The next morning everyone meets up to go out on the slopes. Lauri thinks it’s a workout just to put on their ski gear with the help of their ski concierge (fancy name for the ski instructor.) Vicki takes one look at Gretchen and says, “Who dresses like that?” She tells Gretchen that she looks like a Q-Tip and that she wants to use Gretchen’s hat as an actual Q-Tip. Vicki then begins rub her head against Gretchen’s hat. It seems like everyone has a little experience in skiing or in snowboarding. Tamra hasn’t been skiing for several years and predicts she’s going to be, “Tits to the ground.” That Tamra’s such a class act, no? Lydia only snowboards. Vicki says she was on her high school ski team. Alexis says that she’s not even a bunny hill skier but that she’s more like an ant hill skier. This should be fun!
They take two separate lifts to get up to where they’re going to start from on the mountain. Tamra, Vicki and Lydia ride in the first lift. It seems like it’s perfect ski conditions. However, Tamra is thinking that not everything is perfect. Tamra laments that if Vicki finds out that she knows this gossip about her and that she didn’t tell her… that Vicki will be really mad at Tamra. As a result, their friendship will be gone again. Gee, ya think? Lol…
Meanwhile, Lauri is explaining to Gretchen and Alexis who are on the 2nd lift that she never actually said the word, “threesome” when she was talking about Vicki. Lauri clarified that she walked in on Vicki who was in bed with another woman and a man… and that maybe they were just snuggling and getting warm or something – but that she never actually used the word, “threesome” when talking to Gretchen about the event. Sounds like someone has been talking to a lawyer about potential liability, if you ask me. Lauri says that she doesn’t know what they were doing. Lauri said that you’d think she’d know better than to tell a secret to somebody in this group. Gretchen self-righteously tells Lauri that she didn’t say anything to Vicki about what Lauri had told her because Lauri indicated that she wanted to have a sit-down talk with Vicki about some stuff. Gretchen, you haughty little twerp, I guess that’s technically correct, but since you did tell both Tamra and Heather – and now you’ve just brought it up in front of Alexis – you’re still a dirty, vile gossip. Even Alexis has the good sense to say that she knows that while Vicki can be crazy… that there is no way on earth that she had a threesome.
Lydia doesn’t understand why any of them are learning to ski. The youngsters are all learning how to snowboard – No one skies anymore. During the ski lesson Tamra says, “My tits are going to fall off from frostbite.” Wait, didn’t she have her silicone boobies removed? Or maybe they were just reduced, I can’t remember. I wonder how cold silicone gets… does it get slushy? Lolol… Sorry, these are the things that I wonder about… After they all ski around a while, Tamra observes that Vicki is a klutz and should stop talking about being on a ski team in high school…
Tamra and Vicki get some time alone and away from the others on the ski slope. Tamra finally breaks it to Vicki that Lauri told Gretchen a lot of personal things about her that weren’t so nice. Vicki asks her what she said. Tamra stammers around… they were sexual things… like that you had a threesome. Vicki says that she has a lot of things on Lauri, too… and wonders if she would want her to breakout a can of whoopass? Tamra suggests that Vicki talk to Gretchen directly about what she was told because that’s who told Tamra the information. Vicki just wants to ski and keep the b*** away from her or she might push her down… or worse…
As if this was all just a huge set-up (insert gratuitous eye roll here) right on cue Gretchen comes swishing down the hill… Vicki just wants to strangle Gretchen for being a messenger of untruths. But instead, at least for the moment, she calmly talks to Gretchen. Vicki tells her that Tamra told her about her lunch with Lauri and that Lauri had said some nasty things about her. Gretchen tells us that she’s “pissed” at Tamra and thinks that Tamra is being two-faced and playing both sides of the fence. This is of course because she spilled the beans to Vicki about her conversation with Lauri when she originally said that she wouldn’t. And because they’re in 3rd grade again, Gretchen wonders whose side is Tamra on? Whose friend is she anyway? Vicki says that she has lots of stuff on Lauri. Vicki asks Gretchen about what Lauri said. Vicki said that if it was that she had lewd sexual acts with more than one person – it’s a flat out lie. Gretchen said that Lauri had a lot to tell Gretchen, like that Vicki wasn’t faithful to Donn and all that stuff. Vicki confirms there had been fidelity issues on both ends. Vicki said that she was separated from Donn twice during their marriage. Gretchen thinks this is all validation that Vicki admits that she’s been telling lies all along. In her talking head, Gretchen says that Vicki kept pointing her finger at me but that Vicki has no room to talk. Gretchen tries to stick up for Lauri by saying Lauri was trying to make Gretchen feel better by saying that Vicki has no room to talk. Vicki doesn’t think she said much about Gretchen. Gretchen tells her that she accused her of cheating on Jeff. Vicki told her, “Well, you did – but you haven’t owned it yet.” Gretchen is dumbfounded. Or maybe she’s just dumb. (Sorry, she’s just gotten on my last nerve…lol). Vicki acknowledges that all of this is hearsay. Gretchen wants her to stop saying things that aren’t true. Vicki wants to know how does Gretchen like it?
Gretchen is trying to blame Lauri because she’s the one who said it, not her. No, Gretchen, you just took the story and dutifully shared it with anyone who would listen. Alexis and Lydia come down the slope. It was clear there was anger and strife hanging in the otherwise picture perfect Canadian air and Alexis is wondering why people just can’t handle this kind of stuff in privacy. Well, because then we wouldn’t have a show, would we? Gretchen continues to maintain that she didn’t say anything – that it was Lauri.
Lauri shows up and Vicki tells her, “Not cool, Lauri.” Lauri, of course, deduces what has happened. Vicki tells her that she has never had sex with multiple partners. Lauri says that she never once said that Vicki had sex with anybody. She reminds Vicki that in New Orleans, Lauri walked in on Vicki, a girl and a guy lying in bed… Vicki says that all her clothes were on and that they were just watching a movie in bed. Lauri said that she didn’t know what she was doing. Vicki tells Lauri that Gretchen had said Vicki had multiple partners. Then Vicki starts to shriek, “Why, why, why?”
Backed into a corner, the defensive viper that is Lauri, venomously lashes out, “What about the Greek guy and the volleyball player that you told me you did amazing things underneath a blanket coming back from Florida to LA? Vicki has now officially flipped a fig and is screaming at Lauri, “Shame on you… Why are you running your stupid ass mouth? We both owned it… We both had been unfaithful.” Vicki reiterates, “Donn and I were separated several times.” Lauri insists that this was before they were divorced. Alexis and Lydia quickly exit stage left and go off and make snow angels.
Lauri continues to try to explain herself by saying that Gretchen had said there had been a lot of tension between Vicki and Gretchen and that there was a lot of hypocrisy. Vicki says, “You’re not my god I don’t have to answer to you… Don’t go around spreading rumors… I’ve never been with multiple partners in my life… Don’t come to dinner tonight… Shame on you.” Vicki skis off… “You’re the one who is a cheater,” shouts Lauri. Tamra joins Alexis and Lydia while they’re making snow angels. Snidely, she asks them if they want to have a threesome?
Lauri turns to Gretchen and tells her, first of all, that she never said that Vicki had sex but that she said she walked in and Vicki was with a girl and a guy… and that she said I don’t know if she had sex…… Gretchen fires back that it’s what she thought Lauri was referencing when she said that she’s had lots of “indiscrepancies.” Lauri corrects her, “indiscretions.” It generally means you’re having sex with people. Lauri thinks this is the game of telephone from hell… and poor wittle, innocent Lauri feels like she’s been betrayed. Sound the violins! Tamra astutely says, “If I was Gretchen or Lauri, I’d fly my ass right off the slope and get on a plane and go back to California because Vicki is going to kick you in the ass so hard you might end up in Florida.” Tamra, I think you’re being conservative…
Gretchen tries to rationalize her actions to the others by saying that she didn’t want to do the same thing that Vicki and Tamra did to her when they were accusing Gretchen without having all the correct information. Lydia said, “Well, you did do the same thing because now we’re all sitting here talking about it.” It sincerely baffles Gretchen as to why she is to blame for all of this. As if we needed a play by play, Gretchen attempts to clarify that it started with Vicki and Vicki f***ed up… then Vicki let Lauri know… Lauri let Gretchen know… Gretchen told Tamra (but Gretchen conveniently omits that she also told both Heather and Alexis)… So what Gretchen wants to know is how she is to be blamed for all of these people being involved? Gretchen says to Lydia, “I wasn’t going to go to Vicki and say, dadadaaa da daa…”… Lydia said, “No, you went behind her back…” Oh, SNAP!
Tune in next time folks, to find out in which country Gretchen and Lauri’s dupas were ultimately found after Vicki got done with booting them from here to Timbuktu!