Real Housewives of Orange County
Remember Last Week – Since our fabulous housewives are banned from vacationing anywhere in the United States… And Mexico won’t have them back, either… They’re now trying to screw up Canada by visiting Whistler Ski Resort. Poor, poor Canada – What did they ever do to us? After agonizing over the decision, Tamra finally let Vicki know that she had been told that Vicki had a threesome in the past (Who cares?)… And that it was Lauri who informed Gretchen about it… and then Gretchen decided to tell the world about it. Vicki blew a gasket and confronted Gretchen and then Lauri at the base of the mountain after they finished all skiing… This culminated in Vicki calling Lauri a “piece of trash” and then she unceremoniously disinvited Lauri to the group dinner that evening. Not sure why Vicki thought she had the authority to do that, but okay… Surprisingly, Vicki’s ski pole wasn’t found thrust up Lauri’s dupa… Meanwhile Lydia, Alexis and Tamra had a little “threesome” of their own as they made snow angels in the snow just to escape the drama.
We rejoin our ski bunnies back in their rooms at the Four Seasons. What the heck? Vicki is wearing detachable fur muffs on her wrists. This is really going to “infurryate” Gretchen! Tamra visits Vicki and brings the mandatory bottle with her. Tamra wonders, “What’s with the furry?” Vicki says they’re faux fur but Tamra is worried that Vicki is, “Turning into one of THEM.” Vicki reassures Tamra that they’re not a costume – That they can come off. I’m not sure how that demonstrates that it’s not a costume, but okay… They each have a bottle of wine in their hand… and it looks like they’re going to need it. Vicki is still livid about Lauri who seems to have come back into the group just to stir up stuff. Well, umm… yeah… that is the only reason she would have been allowed back onto the show. Vicky wonders why she allowed herself to lose her temper again. In her talking head, Tamra tells us that she knows Vicki is not going to let this go. Tamra says she knows that if she was in Vicki’s shoes that she would be pissed too… With a tough guy air Tamra says, “I’d slice the b***.” Okay, I understand you’re just trying to be kewl and pretend that you have some street cred, Tamra… but isn’t the terminology, “Cut a b***” and not “Slice the b***?” This isn’t Thanksgiving – although arguably Lauri is a turkey – but that’s just being disrespectful to turkeys. If you’re gonna use slang… at least use the correct slang people!
Lydia and Alexis meet in a “No Drama Zone.” But seriously, what fun is that? Alexis feels really bad for Vicki but is secretly doing backflips that for once the drama is not about her. Lydia maintains that a group of Canadian women would not have a fight on a mountain about threesomes. Oh really, have you watched, “Real Housewives of Vancouver?” Cuz I personally think that Jody, Ronnie, Amanda or Ioulia could really, “Cut a b***” so to speak. Maybe you guys disagree – but I would not want to be on their bad side… Just sayin’… Lydia says that she wants the group to focus on good things. And right on cue, there’s a knock on the door… and in walks the Evil B*** herself, Lauri.
It seems that Lauri wants to know if she’s still invited to dinner since Vicki had disinvited her. Lydia assures her that of course, she is welcome to come. When talking about the conflict she had with Vicki, Lauri says described it as “Such a simple thing” and that Vicki just reacted to something that Gretchen had said (Cough, cough). Lydia thinks they all can get past it. Lauri says there are things that have happened in the past that she wants to talk to Vicki about. Lydia predicts that it’s going to be a “bumpy” dinner. Lauri once again, goes into the explanation of what caused her to turn on Vicki. She recaps how her husband George’s ex mother-in-law sent an email to Vicki and that Vicki didn’t share it with her. Instead, Vicki sent it to her friend and fellow housewife at the time, “Jeana” and asked her what she thought she should do. Jeana then sent the email to others and it eventually got back to Lauri after it “went viral.” Lauri thinks if they can sit down for on a one-on-one discussion so they can get past it all. Lauri, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but in Week 10 – when you were talking to Gretchen about this exact incident, you told her that Vicki had, “sent the email to several people.” Now, you’re saying that it was Jeana who sent the email to several people. I smell a lie…
Everyone arrives for dinner and asks Lydia where she wants them to specifically sit at the table. For some reason this amuses me, because it just doesn’t seem to be in character for Lydia to make people sit in a certain place – she’s more of a “go with the flow” kinda girl, IPPHO. If Lauri says the wrong thing, Tamra is worried that Vicki will shove a bottle of vodka up Lauri’s ass. I’m not sure why all the housewife franchises are suddenly talking about “ass” stuff. Stop it! Oh good, here comes the alcohol… surely it will be a calm, peaceful dinner. Lol. Whoa, filet mignon is their first course – Hey, mine is usually just an appetizer or a salad, what’s up with that? Tamra is trying to help Vicki hook up with the chef. Vicki wants no part of it – and tells Tamra she doesn’t need her help. Vicki just wants love, happiness, amazing people around and… then Tamra completes Vicki’s thought by blurting out, “sex.” Tamra thinks Vicki is horny… I’m just trying to erase that idea from my mind. Vicki then starts to talk a little about Brooks and how he is a good guy. Even Alexis agrees with Vicki. But Lauri, the Evil B*** that she is, says that Brooks is, “Too good to be true.” Vicki tells Lauri, “I think as a classy lady, you should shut your mouth.” Lauri says Vicki’s just trying to intimidate her. “Don’t tell me to shut up, Vicki.” Vicki says that Lauri lied. Lauri is offended by that comment. Vicki doesn’t want to talk about the subject at this time.
And since Gretchen hasn’t been part of the conversation up to this point, she felt the need to poke her plastic Botoxed nose where it doesn’t belong by chiming in, “Well, you brought it up.” Vicki says that the fact of the matter is that Lauri is saying I had some indiscretions. Lauri says she’s never judged Vicki for what happened in her marriage. Vicki says, “Until today.” Then Vicki and Laurie start talking about how Gretchen said that Vicki was full of hypocrisy… and Vicki says that the word is “ironic” not “hypocrisy.” Omg… will someone PLEASE teach these people some basic fundamentals of grammar, please? I totally make more than my share of mistakes, but come on… Lauri thinks many people would call it “hypocrisy.” Then Gretchen decides that WE’RE the ones who need a vocabulary lesson. In her talking head she tells us that, “I don’t think Vicki even understands the true definition between “ironic and hypocrisy” – It’s a ‘hypocrite’ when you accuse everybody else of doing all these horrible things yet you go and do the exact same things.” Okay, for some reason, this is just putting me over the edge… It’s irony/hypocrisy or ironic/hypocritical, puhleeze! Gretchen can’t even get her grammar lesson of the day worded correctly and she omits including her definition of “Ironic” to complete her thought. Well, perhaps it’s because her one single thought prematurely died from boredom.
Sigh, they’re talking about the “threesome” again. Vicki informs Lauri that she wants to creatively remove Lauri’s eyeballs out of her head. Gretchen and Vicki then launch into the worn out discussion about how Vicki accused Gretchen of being a gold digger and that she cheated on her fiancé, Jeff. Gretchen maintains Vicki did it from the very beginning but Vicki says no, that it was later on. Bravo rolls the tape of one of my very favorite lines from RHOC – I think it’s Gretchen’s first day of filming, and she’s walking down the sidewalk towards a limo. Tamra, Vicki and Jeana are already in the limo and outside of Gretchen’s earshot, Tamra says in a voice dripped with sarcasm, “Hold on to your Daddies girls, here comes Gretchen.” Vicki conveniently says she doesn’t recall and that there was a lot of chirping going on. Vicki said Jeanna told her that Gretchen was dating someone much older.
Mini rant: While in this particular scenario, it was Gretchen’s new bestie, Tamra, who was the one who was actually talking trash about Gretchen (and I find this to be amusingly ironic, by the way…lol)… Vicki made more than her fair share of derogatory comments about Gretchen way before she ever knew her to any degree. Most often, Vicki does not take responsibility for what she says. Instead, it’s always someone else’s fault. In this instance, Vicki blames Jeana for telling her that Gretchen was dating an older man. My husband married me, an older woman by 7 years…does that mean he’s automatically a gold digger? If so, he’s out of luck! This little rant was born because I see that Vicki is vile and hypocritical in so many ways… and it irks me to no end to think that because of Vicki’s actions that I could potentially agree with Gretchen or Lauri about anything, dagnabit. However, I will deny it in a court of law. Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled programming…
Vicki is wondering why we are going back and talking about things that happened years ago. In her talking head, Gretchen says of Vicki, “Listen you crazy bitch, stop acting like you’re the one that’s “Little Miss Perfect” and stop trying to “personify” onto me…” Okay, who gave Gretchen a “Word of the Day” calendar? Here’s the thing Gretchen, if you don’t know the actual meaning of a word you have no hope of using it correctly in a sentence. Vicki said that it’s true that she had a lot to say about it just like Tamra. Gretchen and Tamra assure Vicki that they have worked out their differences but Vicki seems doubtful of that fact. Gretchen then tries to actually pretend to be able to put together a coherent sentence (but don’t worry boys and girls she doesn’t succeed), “I feel like it’s a little “ironic”… that at this time, when we’ve now divulged your indiscrepancies (indiscretions, damnit… please forgive the cussin’… but come on…)…And now you say, “Let’s just get over it.” Vicki says it’s because she’s owned it… Gretchen keeps yammering on and Vicki slams the table and asks, “What do you want from me?” Gretchen wants her to be calm and to not pound the table… lol… Vicki says she had a bad marriage that’s over and she’s divorced. “Now what do you want?” she asks. Vicki wonders if Gretchen wants her to say she’s sorry again – but then thinks otherwise and says, “You should be sorry, because you haven’t been an angel.” Gretchen thinks it’s like talking to a crazy woman… Vicki wants to table this discussion. Lauri wants to continue to talk because Vicki called her a liar. Vicki decides to leave and basically says that they enjoyed their dinner and that she really has nothing more to say to Lauri. Vicki says, “I am going to go… Have a nice life… I wish the best for you and George.” She’s muttering, “8 years later you’re still not over it.” Lauri thinks Vicki is deflecting… Everyone leaves…
Gretchen and Tamra are the only ones left at the table, and once again, because Gretchen is acting like a 3rd grader, she said, “I don’t even know how you and Vicki are BFFs again.” Tamra tells her that she and Vicki have been friends for many years and that she’s trying to move forward. Gretchen is hurt because she considers herself to be Tamra’s “true friend.” Ugh, KMN (Kill me now). Tamra tries to explain to Gretchen, The Scarecrow (Oh, if she only had a brain… dooo doot dododoododoo… Now you’re singing it too, aren’t you? You’re welcome!) that Vicki’s problem with Gretchen is because she lied about being her availability for dress shopping. They bring up the whole dress shopping thingie wherein Gretchen didn’t want Alexis to go and implied she wanted Tamra to disinvite her… Gretchen said that she just didn’t want it to end up like the CUT Fitness dinner fiasco. Gretchen tells Tamra that because she is, “The friend that I am” that she was somehow afraid she would call out Alexis on being fake on that day. Tamra thinks Gretchen played her a little bit. She reminds Gretchen that she said on Sunday that she turned down a role to go dress shopping. Heather said there was no role and that it was a total lie on Gretchen’s part. Gretchen clarifies that her role was to play herself on the sitcom and that, “Why in the world would I pick it out of my a***.” (Can we puhleeze stop with the a*** comments?)… Tamra thinks Gretchen kept changing her story. First was, “I’m not going if Alexis is going.” Then she couldn’t go because she got a role. Tamra says it’s the same issues she’s had with Gretchen for years – So many lies… The truth of the matter is that Gretchen probably had the potential for a small, one time only role on the show. But really, is there anyone amongst us who would believe for a minute that Gretchen would turn down a role in a nationally televised sitcom just to go wedding dress shopping? No, I didn’t think so… lol… Tamra explains that when you have a friend who exaggerates stories all the time, it’s hard to know what’s true. Awww… Tamra and Gretchen hug it out…kumbayah.
The next day the women go snowmobiling. Vicki’s plan is to move on mentally because, “You can’t fix stupid.” Awkward silence fills the van during the 20 minute bus ride. Lydia asks Lauri if she got good rest… Lauri confirmed that she did because she, “Took an Ambien and went to sleep.” Good to know. Lauri wants to schedule a sit down with Vicki if their relationship is salvageable to let Vicki know how much she hurt her… Good luck with that!
Lauri says she’s going to stay behind Vicki on the snowmobile. Vicki says she’s going to stay behind Lauri. Although it seems like people aren’t getting along (Vicki vs. Lauri, Vickie vs. Gretchen, Gretchen vs. Alexis) Lydia is still hoping they can frolic in their snowmobiles and have an enchanted secret garden moment. Alexis thinks that the good part about this is that snowmobiles are so loud that if anyone is having a fight that she won’t be able to hear it. They put on some very unflattering outfits – and Vicki seems to be channeling a cross between Heidi (from the children’s book) and the girl on the Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa box. Vicki says she’s a snow mobile “expert” and that she’s been doing it her whole life. Vicki’s ready to let off some steam and wants to go really fast. And Tamra, just because she’s nasty says, “Just being on a seat and having an engine in between your legs…. How much fun is that, girls?” Although Vicki had previously asked for permission and was told, “no”, she separates from the group and goes off roading on her snow mobile. This last all of 2.5 seconds because she misjudged the turn and almost crashed in to a creek. Alexis said that Vicki was talking big but is the first one to fall off the snow mobile. “Now that’s irony” says Alexis. (Deep sigh… or perhaps, “ironic?”)
Tamra decides she has to pee – so does she go behind the trees? NooOOOooo… She just “drops trou” in the open and asks someone to shield her. It looks like perhaps Vicki also ummm… did her thing. We’re once again reminded not to eat the yellow snow. Gee thanks. The women then get into a snowball fight. This seems pretty cathartic for Vicki and Gretchen because as they throw snow at each other they are also throwing insults at each other but in a playful way. They end up wrestling a little and somehow Gretchen ends up on top of Vicki with her hands inexplicably on her boobies. I guess they’re “breast friends” now? Tamra is thankful they’re throwing snowballs instead of fists. Lydia calls it, “Canadian magic” that they needed the great outdoors for everyone to start to get along. Lauri tells Vicki she wants to just put this all behind them and suggests that they have lunch. Vicki agrees to coffee or something and they agree not to scream at each other. However, in Vicki’s talking head, she says she doesn’t care about what Lauri has to say anymore… And that Lauri’s filthy and disgusting. Vicki says, “I have no desire to meet with her.”
Heather calls Tamra from her limo on her way back from her “Malibu Country” shooting. Tamra says that Gretchen is pissed at what Heather said about Gretchen’s role or lack thereof and wants to talk to her about it. They talk about what could have transpired. They kind of agree that Gretchen probably exaggerated the size of her potential role. Heather wonders, “When people lie about little things in life… What else are they lying about?”
Okay, it’s time for din din…. They eat at, “Bearfoot Bistro” which seems to be a kewl looking place. However, they’re not eating at a secluded table – there are people sitting at other tables all around them and I’m wondering if that may be a decision the owner might soon regret. The restaurant boasts of the “Coldest vodka tasting room in the world” at -26 degrees Celsius. Vicki is wearing her backless shirt (In Canada, really?) and unfortunately adjusts things just as the waiter is over her shoulder. Tamra laughs and insists that Vicki is a little horny. Vicki puts her wineglass back down on the table a little too hard and it breaks in her hand. Tamra thinks Vicki’s taking out her sexual frustrations on a poor champagne glass and she wonders what she does to an actual penis. Sigh.
Heather comes home from work… to a loud, wonderful, musical reception from her family. She’s later than she thought because surprise, surprise – there was lots of traffic. Heather is thinking that maybe she should leave more often to get this kind of reception. Terry is handling this job so much better than he did the other one – he’s not making jokes at Heather’s expense. Heather likes feeling balanced which is when she can both take care of her family and also be creative.
Back at Whistler, a guy named, “Chris” is going to be their guide into the “Ice Room.” Tamra stars screaming that it’s really cold in there. After they put on the extra jackets provided by the restaurant, Gretchen says they look like a cute bag of marshmallows. Well, we all knew her head was full of “marshmallow fluff” right? Vicki playfully tells everyone to put their tongue on the ice. She pretends to do it and so does Lydia. Well, actually Lydia does it and says it kind of sticks. Then, in this week’s segment of “I Kid You Not”, Tamra puts her tongue solidly on the ice and gets stuck. I mean really stuck. It’s like she’s never seen, “A Christmas Story, My Best Friend’s Wedding, or Dumb and Dumber.” It’s hilarious… but ouchie! They have to pour liquid over her tongue to get it to release.
Gretchen stupidly asks, “Is your tongue still on your mouth?” Gretchen tells us in her talking head what we already know that if Vicki tells you to do something… don’t do it. Tamra’s tongue is bleeding… Gretchen tells her, “That wasn’t smart, honey.” She’s such a wonderful, “true friend”, no? Alexis says that she thinks it’s God’s way of telling Tamra to watch her tongue… “Frostbite… my tongue has frostbite,” says Tamra. She was just trying to be a good friend and play along with the others. Vicki can’t help but laugh at her. No one can.
Tamra calls Terry and says she has a “medical emergency.” Okay you guys… if you call a doctor and say, “medical emergency” – it had better be a medical emergency. She explained that VIcki told her to put her tongue on the wall in the “Ice Room” and the skin came off. Terry aptly asks, “Isn’t that like the scene from dumb and dumber?” Tamra is concerned her tongue has frostbite. Terry thinks the part that is frost bitten is probably still stuck to the wall. Tamra thinks that if Heather was there it wouldn’t have happened but Heather knows she can’t stop, “The train that is Tamra Barney” – if Tamra wants to do something, Tamra does it… Terry tells Tamra to warm it up, put some pressure on it if it’s still bleeding… and then a little cool vodka wouldn’t hurt. Heather and Terry talk about how the tongue is not an organ it’s a muscle… and that Tamra has left her DNA on the wall and she now cannot commit a crime in Canada because of it… Terry astutely says it’s not the first time Tamra left DNA on a wall. (Insert gratuitous joke here). Heather tells him that is disgusting… As he changes subjects, Terry tells Heather he’s genuinely happy that Heather’s working because she seems so happy about it, she’s glowing… and there’s a spark to her…
They do a fun tableside liquid nitrogen ice cream making scene… and Alexis thinks she’s has a little “Geeky Science kid” inside her because she’s totally excited about this demonstration.
As Tamra is feeling sorry for herself, she admits that she’s a slow learner. All her life she’s had to learn the hard way. Tamra leans on Lauri for comfort… Vicki then starts spouting off life affirming platitudes like Brooks used to do when he was just trying to get into Vicki’s pants or something. Vicki says, “Life is about having fun… Why not laugh? My glass is half full.”
And just as I was lulled into a false sense of security, they show previews for next week… Gretchen looks like she’s recording a song for Slade…. NoooOOOooOOOooooOOOOOo!!!!!!!! I need to go find my earplugs… STAT!