Penny’s redacted blog re-enacted – by NMD
Real Housewives of New Jersey is a trainwreck. From the Giudices facing 39 counts in a federal indictment, to the Lauritas unable to complete their bankruptcy due to (alleged) misinformation, to Richie Walike’s vile behavior off camera, the ongoing court case over the Johnny the Greek – Joey Gorga – Laurita fight – and all the issues with Melissa’s ex-boyfriends emerging from the woodwork. You’d think that would make a great show – but none of it will air. Instead we’re treated to some sort of fabricated, fantasy, nonsense – a repeat of last year’s story line that has Melissa the victim of rumors and everyone blaming Teresa.
This is blogger heaven, because nothing is better than dissecting the lies. FauxR has been publishing Penny’s blogs. Penny is claiming that her words were sliced and diced in the scene we saw on Sunday. Her latest blog was a complete joke – almost every word redacted “on the advice of the producers. Faux got around the ridiculous “redacted” requirement by posting a fictional account of what might have happened. Just substitute Dum Dum for Joey, Yak Yak for Mel, FHOG for RHONJ – you get the point. It’s a quick explanation of why Penny said specific words or responses – that were later spliced with other questions. I’ve only brought some of it over (in case it disappears again) – it’s enough to get the point. Enjoy:
- The Whorgas asked me who invited me to Dum Dum’s sister’s party: I replied your sister did.
- Yak Yak declared that I never assisted in raising money for The Celebrity Dapprentice: I replied that’s a lie.
- The Whorgas told me that I was stalking FHOGS events: I replied that I have always been invited or mandated to attend.
- Yak Yak asked what my relationship was with Dum Dum’s sister: I replied exactly the way I had at the prior FHOGS events.
- Yak Yak made the mistake of asking me about Stripper Gate: I replied as long as Dum Dum doesn’t get crazy if I answer the question, of course you were a Dancer & there’s nothing wrong with it, I know it, you know it, your customers knew it and Dum Dum knows it.
- Dum Dum asked me how I knew Yak Yak: Before I could reply Yak Yak responded that it wasn’t important!
- Yak Yak said that Cafe Nero & Yak Yak’s Dance club were not owned/managed by my relatives: I replied you’re lying.
- Dum Dum asked if I was involved with getting Dum Dum’s sister the book signing at Cafe Nero: I replied that there were text messages confirming it.
- The Whorgas rejected that I had Dum Dum’s sister’s telephone numbers: I replied do you want me to show you and I showed them my phone, proof and said am I lying.
- Yak Yak asked me about rumors concerning Clyde and cheating scandals: I replied it wasn’t me and I’m not taking the bullet for everything.
- Dum Dum asked me about his sister’s relationship with Zippy D: I replied I have no idea.
- Dum Dum told me that someone told my husband that Yak Yak didn’t go see his father in the hospital: I replied go talk to my husband because I have no idea.
- The Whorgas wanted to know how Yak Yak’s lover’s name came up during a party: I replied ______ asked if I knew him [____ is not Dum Dum’s sister].
- Yak Yak asked whether Dum Dum’s sister was spreading rumors: I replied your sister in law told me to squash them <— you can hear me say this.
- When Yak Yak asked if Zippy D was involved in spreading rumors: I replied that’s why Dum Dum’s sister wanted me to confront Dum Dum about who was really spreading the rumors.
- The Whorgas repeatedly wanted me to say that Dum Dum’s sister was pulling my strings: I replied no one pulls my strings and I was asked to confront Dum Dum to confirm the fact that no one pulls my strings.
- Yak Yak threw some low blows claiming that Dum Dum’s sister made negative comments about my extended family: I replied that I would have to talk to Dum Dum’s sister about that because it looked to me like Yak Yak was baiting me.”
Best of all – this is starting to hit the main press. Here’s one article that covers it – Read Here. With the Manzos getting a spinoff – we can finally expect some major cast changes if this show even returns. Puh leeze.
I Dream of NeNe Part 1 by NMD
Part one of NeNe’s wedding special wasn’t about NeNe’s wedding, it was about NeNe’s MARRIAGE and her attempt to fix the relationships that swirl around her and her extended family. NeNe has lived life in the spotlight for many years now, and is achieving her dreams – at least on the surface. In the background, her relationship with her father, Curtis, fell apart after she learned (on national TV) that he wasn’t her biological dad. Her step kids think she’s the step mom from hell (daddy married a stripper and left mommy) and have no relationship with her or her sons, Gregg is a financial and emotional mess, and Bryson (her oldest son) has arrested development and she worries if he’ll be there for his baby and baby mama.
The show is intriguing. It’s like peeling the layers away from NeNe and Gregg to truly understand the complexities of their relationship. NeNe seems to have an innate sense of what viewers need to see to be interested – and she delivers. She’s in a good place, and when NeNe is happy and laughing, it’s infectious. She’s also open and vulnerable. We all know that these Bravolebrities deal with a huge and vocal fan base – haters and supporters – and have to be tough to survive. NeNe survives by staying one step ahead. “I was a stripper – so what? Gregg had financial issues – so what?”
Gregg and NeNe start the show off by Gregg moving his clothes back into NeNe’s closet. It’s larger than my bedroom, and NeNe flinches at the thought of Gregg taking a section. “I don’t want to go back into the basement” he says in a sad voice, and she agrees to give him a little space. That sets the stage for a series of negotiations as they move their relationship forward.
Before that happens, they take us back to their first wedding, 17 years ago. NeNe reads the invitation, Gregg finds her dress and veil, and they watch a clip of their wedding. They laugh at themselves, and how far they’ve come. The NeNe who got married to Gregg 17 years ago was a different person. Their wedding vows were completed by a very long and tongalicious kiss. “Daddy married a stripper.” Today NeNe is clear that she loves Gregg – that he is her everything. 17 years ago Gregg’s financial success was part of his attraction.
The couple travel to Athens, GA where they drive by the church where they were married. They visit with NeNe’s aunt and god-mother, and talk about how even in the midst of their divorce, Gregg knew he’d get his family back. Another trip down family memory lane as NeNe has lunch with an uncle and calls her dad on her uncle’s phone to invite him to the weddings. Curtis is no longer taking her calls, but he agrees to come to the ATL.
NeNe rehashes the divorce with her attorney as she discusses a prenup. Gregg has filed for bankruptcy (which is thought to be one of the main reasons for their divorce – to discharge his debt) and she wants to protect her assets. Smart lady, however I do feel for their creditors since he went into debt to launch her career.
She goes furniture shopping with Bryson, and voices over that she’ll continue to financially support him because he’s 23. He’s on crutches because he ran his car into a tree, and she gives him a lecture on driving. He tries to protest that he doesn’t need a lecture, but since she’s buying him furniture – he has to listen to her. I sort of get the feeling she’s given up on him, but at least he’s staying out of jail.
She convinces Gregg to go to pre-marriage counseling. Gregg is old school and thinks they should just go to church, and is very resistant to the counseling. Antagonistic even. NeNe insists he address his relationship with his 5 previous kids before they move on. Previews show one of his kids yelling at NeNe. I think that son has been vocal in the tabloids. Previews also show a lot of drama between the 12 bridesmaids. I wonder if the drama with Nene’s sisters will also air.
NeNe’s wedding special is like soul food – deep and satisfying. Compare it to Tamra’s – which was more like cotton candy. Pretty but fluffy, sickly sweet and hard to finish. NeNe is the highest paid of the housewives, and with this special she shows us why.
Gretchen’s Gretchiest Moments
Real Housewives of Orange County – Season 8
Note: Looking back at this last season of RHOC, I was surprised that Gretchen was the one who provided us with arguably some very hysterical moments. Unfortunately, we were most likely laughing at her and not with her. Her weird perspectives on life as well as her “Gretchenisms” continue to make me guffaw every time I think about them. In fact, I often find myself quoting her. I do this so often that I’m semi-nervous that I’m going to blurt out a “Gretchenism” at a most inopportune time and I’m reasonably afraid that I may actually convince people that I’m a dimwit instead of just quoting one. Wait, perhaps that does, indeed, make me a dimwit… lol. Well, we all know I make more than my share of errors… I’ve also included a couple of quotes from her castmates that still make me die laughing as well as some Gretchen-centric situations that I still find hilarious. I didn’t do it in the usual “Top 10” format, cuz well, there are way more than 10 and I just couldn’t choose… lol.
“Why do they call it a clam bake?” – During Heather’s “Clam Bake” Gretchen wonders aloud why anyone would name a dinner like this a “clam bake.” After all, as her rock solid reasoning concludes, when she cooks a ham she doesn’t call it a “ham off.” Oh wait… Was she trying to be funny? It’s hard to tell, what with that wind tunnel in between her ears and all… By the way, if her logic was solid or consistent in any way… She probably would have reasoned that when she cooks a ham that she doesn’t call it a “ham bake.” But, as Vicky keeps reminding us… You just can’t fix stupid.
“You’ve had a baby?” – Early in the season, at Tamra’s dinner from heck at CUT Fitness, Vicki was talking about how excited she was to have a baby (Briana had recently given birth to baby boy, Troy). Gretchen cackles to Vicki,“You’ve had a baby?” No dimwad, she didn’t have a baby, but Vicki’s a new grandmother and her family has a new baby. Who says this crap? Gretchen wants immediate clarification if Vicki is insinuating that she actually had a baby. Ummm… no… there’s a new baby in their family, you idiot.
“Happy Birthday, Gretchen… Here’s a bill!” – For Gretchen’s birthday, Slade took her to a nice hotel in San Diego for a little getaway. As they wait for their car at the valet stand, a brand spankin’ new white Rolls Royce drives up with a honkin’ bow on the top. Slade tells Gretchen that it’s “her new car.” Gretchen wants to know who bought this for her? The rest of us wondered, too, I mean – Aren’t they financially strapped? Gretchen and Slade both end up looking like gooberheads because Gretchen doesn’t actually keep the car because she was going to have to make the payments on it. They genuinely confused me because something wrapped in a bow and presented as a “gift” on a birthday, generally implies giving – Not saddling additional debt onto the birthday girl, no? Gretchen does end up helping to design a car for Rolls Royce as part of a promotion in 2013, but it kind of makes one question Rolls Royce’s marketing savvy, no?
“Easy Access” – Gretchen and Slade are in a medical waiting room and Gretchen tells Slade that she has worn a skirt,“for easy access.” Now, I’m sure Slade hoped she meant for him (and we all throw up a little in our mouth) – but sadly for him, no – it was for the Fertility Specialist.
“Porta Vallarta” (Not Puerto…) – They’re going on a trip to “Puerto Vallarta” and I know that you’ll be surprised to know that Gretchen totally massacres the pronunciation of it. Seriously, if you’ve lived in Southern California for any length of time at all, you pick up some basic fundamentals of Spanish language pronunciation. I’m not saying you need to have a perfect accent… but please, just don’t say, “Porta” when it’s “Puerto”… Seriously, it just makes you look ignorant.
“Gretchen is a Fashion Icon” – When buying bikinis, Heather prefers more coverage while Gretchen believes that sometimes when you have too much coverage on the butt it actually makes your butt look bigger. Gretchen thinks she knows best because after all – she IS in the fashion industry because she designs handbags.
“He banged her once…” – Gretchen clues us in that Lauri used to date Slade and then, in a feeble attempt to minimize it, says cavalierly, “He banged her once, twice or three times… I don’t know.” I’m not sure if Gretchen was trying to use the kind of phraseology that she thinks a guy would use or what – but it really was quite weird. Way to keep it classy, Gretch!
“Clueless, Party of 1” – The girls are taking a limo into Los Angeles (an hour or so away) to go wedding dress shopping with Tamra. Gretchen gets into the limo wearing a short, bright red trench coat. We only find out later that she doesn’t have clothes on underneath… that evidently it’s some sort of a fashion statement. Then all of the sudden, Lydia says, “Whoa, whoa” and points out the fact that Gretchen is wearing what looks like to be a honkin’ engagement ring. Gretchen corrects her, “Oh, this is just my ring from Jeff that I wear once in a while. It’s such a beautiful ring.” In her talking head interview, Vicki rants, “Why is Gretchen wearing Jeff’s engagement ring at Tamra’s wedding dress shopping day? We’ve never seen you wear this ring in the last two years and suddenly you’re wearing it now?” Vicki just can’t get over the fact that it’s Tamra’s day and what the heck is Gretchen doing?
“Perhaps Gretchen should eat some Maybelline” – In one of the funniest statements Alexis has ever made, she says of Gretchen, “I just wish sometimes that Gretchen would eat some of her own make-up so she could become pretty on the inside again.”
“Manamanous” – Vicki explains to the other housewives that she hasn’t dated but she knows that Brooks has been dating. Gretchen says, “So you didn’t have an agreement to be ‘manamanous?’” (Okay, in full disclosure… it could be construed that Gretchen pronounced it “monogamous” – but my hubster and I both listened to it over and over again… then checked how “closed captioning” captured it – and they replaced that word with “nonrestrictive” and since we prefer to point and laugh, and also since Gretchen never deserves the benefit of the doubt, we maintain that she said“manamanous.”) Somewhere in the night, Stars starts to inexplicably sing a song with the Muppets, “Mah na mah na…”
“Floundering on Philandering” – Gretchen, because after all she is a slime in every sense of the word, says in her talking head that she’s not surprised that Brooks may be out “flandering” on Vicki because for all that time Vicki was“flandering” on Donn… and that Vicki was “flandering” on Brooks with that guy in Cabo. Gretchen says, “You know, Karma is a bitch, isn’t it, Vicki?” Wow… here and I didn’t think Gretchen even knew any 3 syllable words (should be 4 syllables if she would correctly pronounce “philandering”) much less, to be able to use them in a sentence. She even uses the same word three different times for emPHAsis… lol…
“Nice Canoe, Eh?” – As they arrive at the hotel in Whistler, Canada, Gretchen thinks it feels like they’re in a winter wonderland and says, “The snow is perfectly drizzling out of the sky… We walk into this lobby and this fun canoe… Wait…Was it a canoe? What was that?” Well, Gretchen honey, most of the world would call it a “bobsled”… Heck, even people who live in sunny Jamaica know enough to call it a “bobsled.” And by the way, it’s rain that drizzles… Snow falls, wafts, or blankets the ground.
“Do you know a little about Canada?” – While in Whistler, Gretchen asks Greg (You know, Lydia’s friend who actually has lived in Vancouver, Canada for many years), “So, you know a little about Canada?” Everyone is just jaw dropping flabbergasted. Gratuitous jokes ensue.
“Gretchen Looks like a Q-Tip” – In Whistler, Vicki takes one look at Gretchen in her circa 70s white jumpsuit ski outfit and says, “Who dresses like that?” She tells Gretchen that she looks like a Q-Tip and that she wants to use Gretchen’s hat as an actual Q-Tip. Vicki then begins rub her ear against Gretchen’s hat.
“Don’t Personify Onto Me” – Vicki and Gretchen are arguing about things that happened years ago. In her talking head, Gretchen says of Vicki, “Listen you crazy bitch, stop acting like you’re the one that’s “Little Miss Perfect” and stop trying to “personify” onto me…” Okay, who gave Gretchen a “Word of the Day” calendar for Christmas? Here’s the thing Gretchen, if you don’t know the actual meaning of a word you have no hope of correctly using it in a sentence.
“Indiscrepancies vs. Indiscretions x 3” – Situation 1: Gretchen asks her mom, “Do you remember Lauri who used to hang out with the group?” Gretchen then proceeds to tell her Mom about how Lauri divulged some very interesting information about Vicki to her. She said that Lauri told her some of Vicki’s “indiscrepancies” (Nope, that’s not a typo – that’s what Gretchen actually said) with a lot of men and her infidelity with Donn.
Situation 2: Vicki said that it’s true that she had a lot to say about it just like Tamra. Gretchen and Tamra assure Vicki that they have worked out their differences but Vicki seems doubtful of that fact. Gretchen then tries to actually pretend to be able to put together a coherent sentence (but don’t worry boys and girls she doesn’t succeed), “I feel like it’s a little “ironic”… that at this time, when we’ve now divulged your “indiscrepancies….” Gretchen, dagnabit, it’s “indiscretions” not “indiscrepancies!” Come on…
Situation 3: On the mountain at Whistler after they skied, Lauri and Gretchen are talking about Vicki’s infidelities. Lauri is trying to skate on the technicality that she never actually said that Vicki had sex. Gretchen fires back at Lauri that it’s what she thought Lauri was inferring when she said that Vicki is guilty of lots of “indiscrepancies.” Lauri calmly corrects Gretchen, “Indiscretions.” We all just sadly shake our head.
“Tongue on mouth” – Vicki playfully tells everyone to put their tongue on the ice. She pretends to do it and so does Lydia. Well, actually Lydia does it and says it kind of sticks. Then, in this week’s segment of “I Kid You Not”, Tamra puts her tongue solidly on the ice and gets stuck. I mean really stuck. It’s like she’s never seen, “A Christmas Story, My Best Friend’s Wedding, or Dumb and Dumber.” It’s hilarious… but ouchie! They have to pour liquid over her tongue to get it to release. Gretchen stupidly asks, “Is your tongue still on your mouth?” No, Gretchen… she lost it in the ice room. Duh.
“Animosity” – During the reunion, Andy brought up the fact that Gretchen said in her blog she thought it was obvious that Vicki was purposefully trying to put a wedge in Gretchen’s relationship with Tamra. Gretchen said that it was in Mexico when Vicki had said, “My plan worked” that it showed Gretchen that Vicki had intent, “To hurt me or try to put a wedge between us or try to create some sort of, ‘anim… amun…’”… And while Gretchen stares off into space searching the heavens for the correct word, everyone on both couches, in unison, supplies the word, “animosity.” Whew… it really does take a village to raise a village idiot.
“Condenscending” – Heather starts to clarify the circumstances surrounding her text message that Gretchen had previously called, “So condensending”… Then Her Royal Heatherness, in a very patronizing way, corrects Gretchen that she’s sure she meant, “Condescending” and then Gretchen launches into how Heather thinks she’s better than everyone else. Well, she kinda does… but that’s not the point… lol!
“Sunthin” – Gretchen has so much trouble pronouncing “something” that Andy directly asks her about it. She can’t for the life of her remember how she mispronounces it… but she does it ALL the time and Andy keeps receiving messages about it.
And my favorite “Gretchenism” of them all: “Wrath of FURRY” – Gretchen actually says, “Vicki pissed off the wrong girl. I want to unleash a wrath of FURRY on this bitch.” (At this point, Stars is laffing so hard she can’t even see straight… picturing that big old “wrath of furry” [no, not “fury” – She actually said “furry”] that Gretchen is gonna unleash… omg..omg…omg)… This word or its’ derivations have taken on a life of their own… For me, “Don’t infurryate me” and “That’s infurryating to me” are now a permanent part of my regular vocabulary…
Please feel free to add to this living list of “Gretchenisms.” I can’t wait until next season to see what else is in store for us!