Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Blogs Blogged by Stars99
Disclaimer: Warning! Warning! The following opinions expressed on this blog are the from the blogger’s perspective alone and do not necessarily reflect the general opinions of this blog, the owner of the blog, any organization in which it is affiliated, other commenters, or any other living, breathing, sane person. The blogger has been under the influence of cold/flu medicines for the last few days and she may have just coughed herself into blogging oblivion. Read at your own risk. While no housewife was harmed in the writing of this blog, a spider was not so lucky. Poor spider.
Below are Brandi, Carlton, Joyce and Kim’s blogs. Tomorrow you will get Kyle, Lisa, and Yolanda’s blogs. I could only handle so much crap this first go around. Let the snarking begin!
Brandi starts her blog by welcoming us back to RHOBH and promises that in her blogs she will do her best to describe the feelings she had at the particular time and not to be biased towards how she feels right now. Translation: Rut roh… Things must really change as the season unfolds. I’m rubbing my snark lovin’ hands together in greedy anticipation already! Hehehe…
Brandi says, “This year I was able to move into a bigger home so that we could all have our own bedrooms and the boys could have a fancy new pool. While it may not be a mansion by any stretch I am very proud to call it home. I do also realize my children would be happy in a studio apartment with all of us sharing the same bed, but I still wanted them to have some of the luxuries they have on their dad’s time on my time as well.”
Sorry, Brandi, but you’re not even CLOSE to the Jefferson’s in “movin’ on up!” George and Weezie Jefferson made their money through working hard at a chain of dry cleaners – Probably getting out the tanning stains on chairs that Adrienne Maloof left after sitting on them. Brandi, you make your own kind of stain… Brandi told us on the show that she got rid of all the furniture from her life with Eddie with one single exception – the stripper pole. That’s right, folks… THAT’s the most important thing she has and the one item in which she wants to be in every single house she ever owns. Wow… How do you explain a stripper pole to your kids – “To the Bat Pole”…? Okay wait… I’m gonna just hafta stop right now before I get into trouble… Brandi then talks briefly about J.R. (her real estate agent/boyfriend) and succinctly describes their relationship as the FB status, “It’s complicated.” I’m guessing most of Brandi’s relationships and friendships could be defined that way.
Last season, it seemed like Yo (Yolanda) was trying to reach out to Kim as a lost little bird that needed attention – But this season it’s looking like Brandi and Yo have gotten close. Yo told us that Brandi was “there” for her as she was going through all of her medical issues. So, it’s not surprising that Brandi says glowing things about Yo and about how much she admires,“Yolanda’s strength and beauty, the fight that she has inside, the way she bear hugs her modern, combined family and the amazing way she is raising her beautiful children. I am really learning so much from her.”
Brandi Blogs, “At Kyle’s party we finally meet the two new Housewives and I actually at the time found them both very lovely… but definitely felt more of a connection with Carlton and David. I was honestly shocked to see all the digs that Lisa took at Kyle in this episode. . . .not to say that Kyle and I won’t have many future digs for one another along our path.”
OOooOOOoooo…. “At the time found them both very lovely”… Okay, so she’s not getting along with one of the new girls. Color me so surprised. I love how she calls Lisa out for her “digs” at Kyle during the episode but then quickly remembers she has made a few of her own in future episodes. So okay, Yo, Brandi and new girl Carlton are on one side with the potential of Kyle and Kim (by default) joining their team… and Lisa is on the other team, so far…
Brandi was especially bugged by one of Lisa’s digs in particular. Brandi says, “But this one really stuck with me and I just found it so inappropriate: when Lisa was speaking of the Mauricio’s cheating rumors in front of Portia, Kyle and Mauricio’s five year old daughter!!! Portia is five and she and my son Jake are almost the same age. Let me tell you these kids hear and understand EVERYTHING that gets said to them and around them. Listen, I am all for putting the elephant in the room on point, as I always have been, but you never do that around someone’s child. We are grownups we pick the time and place.”
Yeah, I gotta say I think it was in poor taste to say something like that in front of Portia – but to think she understood the adult nuance of what was said is just ridiculous. I agree – you don’t say crap like this in front of the kids. However, the problem is – THIS IS ALL ON TV. Everything that is said – is actually being said in front of the kids whether they are present or not – because THIS IS ALL ON TV. Brandi, when you say you walk around naked and that you love your stripper pole – You might as well be saying it directly to your kids because – THIS IS ALL ON TV.
Brandi says, “In closing I would love to say I am shocked about the level of closeness and ass kissing between Lisa and Scheana. At that particular time I would have been quite shocked by it, but sadly I now know better — and it is hard to pretend otherwise.”
Wow, there really must be a major friendship fall out between Lisa and Brandi. I think Scheana is grateful that Lisa didn’t fire her – and will probably always be undyingly loyal to her. But Brandi, you and Scheana “made-up” on national TV… and while you’ll always happily point out the “gray tooth” in Scheana’s husband-stealing mouth – You can’t exploit a storyline for your personal good and then turn around and be surprised by it at the same time.
Brandi has a personal message she’d like to convey to Scheana: “P.S. Dear random 30-year-old cocktail waitress, my face may not move but neither do my legs when it comes to taken men, no matter how hard they come at me.”
C’mon Brandi, you’re not a newbie anymore – Dontcha know that the official Real Housewives response on this subject is, “Close your legs to married men. Bloop!”
Newbie Carlton has written a novella for her first blog. Ugh. I can’t help but fondly think of “Carlton, the Doorman” from the Mary Tyler Moore Show or “Carlton” from the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” when reading her name. She introduces herself and tells us that she doesn’t want to change anyone’s religious or spiritual beliefs and then goes right into talking about her own personal beliefs. She would rather not talk about politics or religion – but since already in the first episode we get snippets of what she believes, she decided she needed to explain herself.
Carlton writes, “There is no one true definition for what I practice, there are many variations but my faith centers around the miracles of Nature, Mother Earth. It is a beautiful, harmonious, and positive religion. There is nothing supernatural; it just harnesses nature’s energy.”
Later, she gets to the point and says, “I am Celtic, obviously, and I am pagan witch. Yes witch! My grandmother practiced, and I am a solitary practitioner, have been for decades. I never belonged to a coven because we moved so much, but I think covens are essential to a community. I have taken traditions from Wicca and British Traditional Witchcraft to cultivate my own spiritual path. I celebrate the cycles of the sun, moon, and seasons. As a child, I always had a respect and understanding for nature and animals. I honor Mother Nature, the earth. I am polytheistic. I believe in goddess and a god. I believe that within us lies those deities. I believe in the power of prayer, candles, crystals, and the earth’s natural energies. They are a gift from Mother Nature and work with our vibrations. I believe in the holistic power on the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I am not nor have I ever professed to be an authority on this but what I practice and believe in works for me solely! I do not believe someone’s religion defines who they are as human beings. I don’t judge anyone by what they believe in! I believe that your heart and your actions however do define you.”
Inexplicably, a scene from, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” starts playing in my mind and I include this obscure scene reference for pure entertainment purposes only – no witches were harmed in the filming of this scene:
Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1: Burn them.
Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1: More witches.
Peasant 2: Wood.
Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3: …because they’re made of… wood?
Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1: Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!… It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1: Bread.
Peasant 2: Apples.
Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
Peasant 1: Cider.
Peasant 2: Gravy.
Peasant 3: Cherries.
Peasant 1: Mud.
Peasant 2: Churches.
Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck.
Sir Bedevere: …Exactly. So, logically…
Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck… she’s made of wood.
Sir Bedevere: And therefore…
Peasant 2: …A witch!
Okay, okay… So come on… Don’t we ALL know this “witch” situation is going to come up over and over again throughout the season? It’s why it was mentioned in episode 1. I’m already prepping my list of words that rhyme with “witch” so I’m ready for the season – I’m just not sure if the snark is going to fly towards the witch or towards the other rich b*tches (see how I did that? Lol) Hopefully, witches have a sense of humor… Carlton then tells us that she and her husband have been members of the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce (You know, that organization where you hang out and vote on things?) for over 20 years. She had no idea who Kyle was when they originally received the invitation to the party, but her husband explained she was one of the housewives on RHOBH and that Kyle’s husband was a successful realtor.
Carlton says, “I know!!! You call BS. But truth be told I rarely watched reality TV and certainly hadn’t watched Housewives. But once I knew that this new journey of mine was going to become a “reality” for me, I watched a few episodes to get a little sense of the girls. Since this journey has begun I am proud to say I am finally up-to-date!”
I’m not sure that you should be “proud” that you’re up-to-date on watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but okay. I do think it is a smart move for a newbie to watch the previous seasons, IPPPHO™©®.
Carlton blogs, “Kyle greeted us and graciously invited us into her home and because of my passion for design I always soak up my environment, architectural elements, and interior details etc. Her home was lovely. I certainly could appreciate the beauty even though its not my personal taste. It was very quaint.”
Completely falls on the floor laughing, “quaint?” That’s hysterical! There’s nothing worse than someone calling your BH home, “quaint.” It has such a nice condescending lilt to it, doesn’t it? Wow, so the witch is a b*tch! Kyle is so NOT going to be happy with that… lol… Maybe she’s not on the same team as Kyle after all…lol…
Carlton continues, “So here I am standing with Kyle and Kim and suddenly Kyle has a disagreeable reaction to something she sees. “Oh Lord” she sighs. I turn to see three ladies who are Lisa, Yolanda and Brandi. Yet when Kyle and I approach these three girls, Kyle greets each with smiles and kisses. So admittedly that was a little confusing. Certainly an obvious history between all these girls, not so sure it’s all roses though.”
Right, Captain Obvious – there’s been “history” between the “girls.” She then talks about Kim whom she thinks is sweet. She talks about meeting Lisa, “a fellow Brit” but describes her as fixating on her Carlton’s English accent. In addition to living all over England for the first 18 years of her life, she lived in South Africa for 4 years which has probably influenced her accent.
Carlton writes, “I spoke to Lisa for a while, I liked her and appreciated her dry sense of humor. It was actually quite refreshing. She’s definitely smart, intuitive, and glamorous — not a fan of my cursing but that may take some work on my part. Good or bad swearing for me is part of my language, it’s more of a colourful adjective. Of course, I have to respectfully and consciously curtail it in certain venues. That has been challenging to say the least.”
Wow, are witches allowed to curse? I mean I know they invoke curses… but it could confuse things when using colorful words in the middle of your spell, no? She’s got to be a really smart one to pull that off… No, seriously! Carlton says that she thought Kyle was a “source of comic relief,” that Yo was, “bright, funny, and extremely approachable, and that Brandi’s face was, “flawless.” She said she liked Brandi because she was entertaining, made her giggle, and they have a similar naughty sense of humor. She likes that Brandi says what’s on her mind.
And then… THEN we get to fellow newbie, Joyce. At first when Carlton and Joyce found out they both have 2 year old boys, Carlton thought there could be play dates in their future. But then came children’s namegate.
Carlton continues, “Immediately Joyce’s husband begins to talk excitedly about how he wants a naked room so he can run around naked with his pee pee out! Firstly did I just hear a grown man refer to his manliness as a “pee pee” Eeeewww! Secondly the mere image of this “big” man as Joyce quickly pointed out, running around naked is a horrifying visual! OK so he’s an exhibitionist, which he freely admits but I say TMI! Um, I just met you.”
Carlton, I’m totally with you on this one. Why do people think that running around naked in a room somehow makes them interesting? Mr. and Mrs. Pee pee continue their stream of ridiculousness…
Carlton continues to explain, “He then asks my son and daughters names “Hold on… Cross?” turning his ear as if he’s temporarily lost his hearing. “That’s unbelievable.” Is it Michael? Then Joyce says “Destiny and Mysteri. I like that even better than Cross”… crickets! So happy you like my girls names Joyce, did you notice I made no comment about your children’s names. I’m sorry but as far as I’m concerned children are off-limits. It’s sort of an unwritten parental code. And when it comes to my family especially my babies that is where I will surely show my teeth! Honestly who does that? What parent comments to another parent they just met, that they don’t like the choice of name they chose for their child?”
It really surprises me, that Shi Shi Shi Beverly Hills people didn’t handle the whole children’s namegate thing with a tad bit more tact. I’m sorry, but ever since Frank Zappa named two of his kids, “Moon Unit” and “Diva Thin Muffin,” Michael Jackson named his 2nd son “Prince Michael II” but insisted on calling him, “Blanket”, Rob Morrow named his child, “Tu,” (You know, Tu Morrow, Tu Morrow, I love ya, Tu Morrow…You knew I’d get you to sing, right? Lol…) and Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter, “Apple”… Are we really surprised by anyone’s naming abilities? Now, that being said, when you name your kids, “Destiny, Mysteri and Cross – You should expect a reaction. Isn’t that why you chose those names in the first place? I’m so not going to talk about how odd I find that a witch named her child “Cross”… or that “Cross” is half of the name of her husband’s families’ company (StockCross Financial Services). Our little Carlton is really not amused by the other newbie, and I just have to include all of her perfectly snarky comments because they’re funny.
Carlton blogs, “I understand that my children’s names are unique but this was a first for me. It’s astonishing that this couple I just met would make such rude and tactless comments directly to me — a mother, protector of her babes. This is by far a new kind of stupid. Oh and one more comment, they said that having more than two children was too many. They liked to have one for each hand… Oh my god I feel like I’m in the bloody twilight zone. Who are these couple of twits? NO play date for you!”
Lol… NO SOUP FOR YOU! (Sorry, obscure “Soup Nazi” Seinfeld reference…) I am dying laffin’… I’m kind of really surprised Bravo allowed her to post this – without giving her a heads up or something. There is NO ambiguity in Carlton’s communication style when she says, “This is by far a new kind of stupid” and “Who are these couple of twits?”… Seriously, Brandi’s wimpy little, “Shut the f*** up” from last season just seems so woefully inadequate to me by comparison. I like Carlton… She is soooOOOooo going to speak her mind… And talk about calling them as she sees them…lolol… I’m still laughing… I wonder where I put my last bottle of “eye of newt?” (Sorry, that was gratuitous and probably a little insulting…) But really, do you expect us to believe this is the first time that someone had trouble understanding the names of your kids? Puhleeze… I’m guessing Carlton isn’t going to invite Joyce over for Thanksgiving dinner this year…lol
Carlton talks about how Kyle and Kim were talking about Lisa behind her back (3/4ths of a nipplegate) and that she “got an ugly feeling in my stomach” because “Lisa isn’t here to either laugh it off or laugh with them.” BINGO! That’s the difference… That’s exactly what makes me like or dislike some of these women so much. They’re so nice to your face but in their talking heads they bite you on your dupa! But it’s also what makes the “Reunion” shows so interesting – because by then they’ve seen everyone’s secret talking head interviews. Carlton says, “Even if it is an inside joke, it just feels mean-spirited.” Carlton has clued into something that Kyle, to this day, just doesn’t get. It’s clear from watching the episode that Carlton doesn’t hold back her feelings as you’re talking to her. You see them written all over her face. It’s crystal clear from her blog that she is not afraid to snark at people. OOoooOOo boy, this is gonna be fun!
Joyce Giraud de Ohoven
Joyce starts out, “Hi lovers.” Ugh… Really? You felt the need to start out your first blog with a, “Hi lovers?” Aaack… KMN! (Kill me now!) Don’t ask me why I instantly thought of Karen Walker’s (Will & Grace) alias of “Anastasia Beaverhausen” after I read Joyce’s name… but I did…lol
Joyce says, “I’m excited for this season and to meet all of you! This has been a crazy roller coaster. There were ups and downs, but overall it was a fantastic experience and I’m proud to represent my fellow Latinos in Beverly Hills.”
Opens my mouth to begin to respond… thinks better of it… then just closes it. Shakes my head at the level of delusion…
Inexplicably, Joyce continues, “Regarding my tag line: Frankly I’m not a big fan of the Beverly Hills attitude… In Beverly Hills they say you can never be too young, too thin, or too rich. I think it’s sadly superficial, but at least I wanted to add for our Beverly Hills girls that honesty is the most important and I’m not a $100 bill for everyone to like — but at least I stayed true to myself.”
So, let me get this straight, pageant girl, you’ve just set the bar crazily high for all of womankind by saying we can’t ever be too young, too thin, or too rich AND, on top of that we can’t even fudge a little on our age, weight or $$? Pfffffffft…
Joyce continues, “I’ve experienced the world of pageants, the world of modeling and now the world of Beverly Hills… These worlds are judgmental, often trivial and sadly reduce people to their appearances. My true mantra, the line I wanted and the line that perfectly represents how I’ve always felt is: Beauty is only skin deep, it’s what’s in your heart that matters.”
Yeah, that tag line would be way too deep for Bravo to espouse. Joyce continues to talk about not being just a “pageant girl”…bladitty blah blah blah. She says, “But I must be very clear in one thing… Being a pageant girl is not who I am or what defines me. I WAS proudly a pageant girl some 15 years ago. I AM an actress, a producer, a philanthropist, a wife, and above all a mommy to my beautiful babies, Leonardo and Valentino.” The problem is that then Joyce spends the next few paragraphs describing her pageant experience and why she continues to work with others in that industry. She’s grateful for the experience. Sigh.
Joyce writes, “I won’t be one of those girls that says she never watched the show before being on it because the reality is I did watch it and I loved it!”
Buckle up, Buttercup – It’s going to be a bumpy ride for you, I’m afraid! Joyce said she decided to leave all of her preconceived ideas behind and to meet each woman with a clean slate. She talks about the other housewives and her first impressions. She says wonderfully glowing things about each one. Yeah, like that opinion’s going to last… lol…
However, Joyce does have a special message for Carlton, “I do want to clarify something about Carlton because I do like her, and she and I both know where our relationship stands. I am a very open person as are you… lighten up about the “visual” of my hubby’s BIG pipi LOL. One very important thing to clarify is I was not making fun of the babies’ names. I did think they were unique and very different and I still think that. I’m sure a lot of people will have the same reaction — but I would never “f—” with babies or their names.”
Rut roh, did pageant girl just cuss? Isn’t that like against the law?
“Well, here we are again! Welcome back to another season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!! I hope you enjoyed our first episode! I’ve missed you all!”
Awww, she missed us! She talks about how great it was to watch Gigi and Yo on the photo shoot. Then shockingly, she tells us she’s really happy for Brandi’s success. Kim says, “And YES, I love her! She has a special place in my heart. We’ve come A LONG WAY!” I’m telling you, Kyle and Kim are seemingly on Team Brandi and Yo’s at this point… lol.
Kim blogs, “As for my sis, she has her new store, and I couldn’t be more thrilled for her! We’ve both come so far, and our relationship continues to grow in a stronger, more positive way! We really enjoy spending time together. I love my sister and today we have no problems! I hope it stays that way!”
Really, “no problems?” Do I believe that? Nope, not for a second. Kim likes the newbies but ominously says, “As for Lisa and Ken, well, you just have to watch and read my blogs!”
Okay, I just have to quickly comment… (Well, when do I EVER really “quickly” comment? Lol…)… It just seems so odd to me that it appears as though everyone is ganging up on Lisa… and while Lisa has good and bad things going on – I’m kind of like, “What the heck happened?” I get that they’re prolly jelly, but seriously, Lisa is way too smart and gracefully manipulative for the likes of most of them.
Kim continues, “So now I’m home with a very energetic, happy dog that needs a lot of attention! I really wasn’t looking to take on another two-year-old at this point in my life but that’s what I’ve been left with! Kingsley is my best friend and he entertains me 24/7! As you can see, we play a lot! He listens to my secrets! He’s also an amazing cuddlier! But he definitely needs some training! I spend a lot of time these days going to pilates, meditating, and doing yoga! I feel happier, healthier, confident, and more empowered. Life is good, and I’m ready for whatever comes my way. Anything I say I try to do in the most loving way I can. Most of the time! Ha ha!”
It was hysterical to watch Kim and Kingsley play. I think it must remind her of playing with her ex-boyfriend, Ken, the Bullmastiff… lolol.
“Over these last two years, rebuilding the relationships with my children, my sisters, and the rest of my family has been a priority to me, and it has paid off! And recently, I’ve added a little bit of my old social life into it! I am going and doing things I haven’t done in years, and I’ve brought my kids along for couple of the experiences! They have loved it! You will get to see a lot of changes in my life this season!”
O joy, O rapture… we get to watch Kim date. Yawn.
“I was so excited watching my sister prepare for the 100 year. Too bad not everybody felt that way! When I saw and heard what Lisa said about Kyle and Maurice in front on my niece Portia, I was disgusted, but not surprised!! This is behavior I have seen for years!! But she is showing her colors more and more!! If I were Kyle, I personally wouldn’t have her in my home again!!!”
Right. And talking to a newbie about Lisa’s “porn” past is just so appropriate. Kim is really going after Lisa, “I personally wouldn’t have her in my home again.” Whoa… Kim, Kim, Kim… You are playing with someone whose persona is well beyond your ken… No, seriously. Stop it! This is not going to end well for you! Kim talks about Kyle’s party and couldn’t resist inserting another dig.
Kim says, “I thought Lisa’s decision to have Scheana there, was SO inappropriate. Considering the situation, this has been a very sensitive subject for Brandi!”
I think Brandi was happy that Scheana was there because she got to gleefully tell the world that Scheana had a gray tooth and that it was probably the result of “Karma!” Brandi admits she runs into Scheana all the time – whether she wants to or not. The problem is that we now have a “Vanderpump Rules” show and those decisions of whether to include Scheana or not are out of Lisa’s hands. Especially when Bravo packages both shows together into 1 two-hour show for their opening episode this season.
I just wish that those who quickly conclude, “Karma” when something not so great happens to someone else… Also remember that Karma cuts both ways… and Karma can cut a b*tch… or a witch.