Real Housewives of Beverly Hills “She Hearts You, She Hearts You Not” by BB
“I’m not in the mood to write about Beverly Hills anymore.” NoMoreDrama
I’m sure each of these women come into the new season with a plan of how she would like things to play out, what she would like to convey, what she would like to promote, and so on. Unfortunately for them, their contracts allow Bravo to show what Bravo wants shown. Scenes are spliced and diced. Footage is left on the cutting room floor. Events are shown out of sequence. We not only hear this from the housewives, but there are some pretty brilliant people frequenting this blog every day who have figured out that what we are seeing is not necessarily what really happened, but it’s what Bravo wants us to think happened.
All that being said, certain things that are done and said by these women can’t be explained away by “bad editing” or “the viewers didn’t see what the other person did,” or even “I was going through a bad time in my life.” I’m particularly referring to Brandi Glanville here, but it can apply to any of the housewives to a certain extent. However, in Brandi’s case, it’s what she does on social media BEFORE and AFTER we see the episodes that irritates me the most. After the episodes air, each housewife has the opportunity to post a blog on the Bravo website explaining their side of the story and clarifying anything they choose about the episode we just saw. That should be sufficient. A word of advice to Brandi. If you want to stop who you call the “haters” from talking about you, then back off the preemptive videos, Facebook open letters, and twitter rants. I get the feeling, however, she doesn’t really want it to stop. She loves being the center of attention and she certainly is that, but not in a good way. On to the current episode.
We see the scene Brandi talks about in her open letter on Facebook where Joyce and her husband are having dinner in the Sushi restaurant (and where Brandi says she also showed up and had a pleasant exchange with Joyce). Brandi clued us in that this was extra footage being shot after the season filming had wrapped. If I were Bravo, I’m not sure I’d be happy about Brandi giving away information about Bravo’s out of sequence scene shooting. I don’t see anything wrong or inaccurate in what Joyce told her husband about Brandi’s behavior during the Palm Springs trip. Everything she said Brandi did and said was on film. Brandi’s letter made it seem like a bigger deal than what I observed.
Brandi and her friends, including Kim, are looking for lost Chica around the neighborhood. Mauricio, Kyle and Portia show up to help Brandi post lost posters and look for Chica. Brandi has fired Cameron, her assistant, and she told her boys Cameron lost the dog. Chica wasn’t wearing her tags. That’s not good. We all know now Chica was never found and Brandi will probably never know what really happened to her.
Ugh! Carlton and her sex playroom. Not only do we have to watch Carlton and Brandi flirt with each other. We have to watch Carlton and her nanny flirt with each other. I wonder if we’ll ever see Carlton flirt with the person she should be flirting with – her husband! We get to see all of her various sex toys. Watching her demonstrate one of them is not a pretty sight. Not sure what Carlton is trying to convey here. I guess that she has no inhibitions and that she’s adventurous. Whoop-de-doo. I’m not impressed.
(How is what Carlton doing not sexual harassment of her nanny. She pays the young lady to look after her children, but makes it clear that she is interested in sex as well. Is the young lady in the position to say no without losing her job? It was all sorts of levels of wrong to me. NMD)
Next up are two nice pleasant scenes. One is of Lisa and Ken supervising the construction of their new restaurant/club. I like seeing Lisa in the role of business woman and wouldn’t mind seeing more of that. Kind of like what NoMoreDrama described, Vanderpump Rules without all the drama of the wannabe young actors portraying the waitstaff. The other is seeing Kim take the training of her dog Kingsley seriously. I’m so glad to see that happening. Too bad these scenes were so short.
While shopping for flowers, Yolanda tells us she’s going out of her way to make her dinner party beautiful after the disaster of Palm Springs. Watching all the preparations, I can tell it’s going to be a beautiful party and I wish I was on the invitation list despite who else will be there. You can tell Yolanda really enjoys preparing for these dinners. Yolanda is being the bigger, better person by placing Kyle and Mauricio right next to her at the dinner table. Of course she has to spoil her gesture by saying you have to keep your enemies close. I notice while Yolanda is getting dressed, Bravo’s cameras zone in on all of her shoes and purses after she specifically said she, unlike other Beverly Hill women, prefers flowers over shoes and purses any day. It’s funny how these women think they can fool the Bravo producers and the viewers, and further, how the Bravo producers think they can fool us, the viewers. We’re not rookies anymore, Bravo.
Carlton calls and tells Yolanda she can’t make it because she’s sick and doesn’t want to compromise Yolanda’s immune system. David and Yolanda think it’s kind of rude of Carlton to cancel at the last minute when she was probably sick before then and could have cancelled earlier. Not sure what Carlton’s illness was, but it could have been some kind of stomach virus that came on suddenly. Would they have rather Carlton had shown up sick and exposed everyone to her germs, especially Yolanda?
Sometimes I wonder if Kyle is very smart. It seems to take her a while to figure things out. I hope she treads lightly where her so-called friendship with Brandi is concerned. I wouldn’t trust Brandi as far as I could throw her. Kyle realizes Brandi treats her well when they are alone, but not when she’s with Lisa and Yolanda. Get a clue, Kyle. Don’t tell Brandi anything you don’t want broadcast to the whole world. She’s already tried to make a big deal out of Mauricio’s cheating scandal. There are red flags flying all around you.
All the ladies look great at the party, except I need to say Brandi’s hair looks particularly bad. The cameraperson must think so too, because he/she keeps zooming in on it. Lisa and Kyle do not have breast implants. Brandi does. Information I have been dying to know for a very long time. Dinner is served.
When I was in elementary school and Valentine’s Day came along, we would use construction paper to make valentine folders where our friends could put their valentines to us. I always made sure I gave a valentine to everyone in my class, even to those kids I didn’t particularly like. I’m pretty sure most or all of my classmates did the same. That memory came to mind as I watched the women talk about who had a heart beside their name on the place cards and who did not. Does anyone believe Yolanda when she said she did those name tags unconsciously and there was no rhyme or reason to the hearts? Kyle makes the statement that they have to earn their hearts. Yolanda replies exactly. Again with Yolanda’s “You have to earn my friendship” crap. It’s so old. No matter if the cameras were rolling or how beautiful or impressive this dinner was, it would have been hard for me to continue sitting there after that and act like I was enjoying myself. It was an obvious insult and slam to Kyle, Kim and Joyce, and Lisa and Brandi seemed very amused by it. As Ramona Singer would say – very declasse’.
Yolanda apparently didn’t get the message that a good hostess makes EVERYONE she invites to dinner feel welcomed, even if she likes some of her guests more than others. Perhaps Kyle, Kim or Joyce should give Yolanda a book on proper hostess etiquette for Christmas.
As dinner proceeds, Lisa whispers to Brandi to behave herself because she can see that she’s drinking too much as usual. David does a welcome toast to everyone and Yolanda makes a toast to David thanking him for his support during her sickness. David asks to hear from Joyce in Spanish. Joyce makes a toast in Spanish while Brandi is making snide remarks about her coming in second place (I’m assuming in a pageant) and during which she and Lisa are giggling like middle school girls. I’m so glad Joyce is not backing down from Brandi’s petty remarks and calling Brandi on it.
The best part of the episode for me was The Tenors’ performance. It was lovely. It wasn’t Brandi’s gangsta rap, for which I am grateful. I wish I could have heard the entire song. The dinner ended on a high note. On the way home, Joyce and Michael talk about how they love David and enjoyed their evening, despite Brandi’s drunken, ugly behavior. Michael mentions that Brandi may need an intervention and Joyce says she will leave that for the dream team to handle, meaning Yolanda and Lisa.
To date, Yolanda and Lisa continue to disappoint and it’s bumming me out. Kyle, Kim and Joyce are not getting on my last nerve. Carlton is quickly becoming forgettable. Oh, yeah. Brandi is still a hot mess.
Dear Santa by Stars99
I know this letter is coming to you very, very late… But please, Santa… There are several “Real Housewives” who immediately need your intervention… These Bravolebrities have for the most part been very, very naughty and not very nice at all this year. But please Santa, rather than give them the compulsory coal in their stocking, I have made a list of some helpful and heartfelt suggestions for you. Any consideration you can give in this matter would be greatly appreciated.
As always, you will find a plate of freshly baked sugar cookies, a cup of ice cold milk, and a thermos of steaming hot non-fat Espresso Macchiato for your enjoyment on the table in the living room. Also included is a laser flashlight in case Rudolph has issues with that pesky light in his nose again.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Joyce – An extra-strength scrunchie… So she can pull her long, luxurious Pantene commercial-worthy hair back into a ponytail and stop annoying everyone. But then again, what would Brandi have left to complain about? Oh and Joyce would probably also like to have world peace… Cuz isn’t that what ALL pageant girls wish for?
Carlton – A sense of humor. Seriously. If that’s not possible, then a dvd of the “Bee Movie”, a cd of the Bee Gee’s Greatest Hits, and “The Singing Bee” dvd video game.
Carton’s Cat Midnight – A pillow that magically appears anytime it’s needed.
Kyle – The book, “Endgame: Bobby Fischer’s Remarkable Rise and Fall – from America’s Brightest Prodigy to the Edge of Madness”… Checkmate, Kyle. (It’s an actual book… honest! Lol)
Mauricio (Kyle’s husband) – A new eye… Cuz we’ve heard one of his eyes has allegedly wandered off a bit…
Kim – A clue… Cuz while her talking heads are rather entertaining this year, she has absolutely no clue how to relate to anyone on the show but her dog, Kingsley.
Kingsley (Kim’s dog) – The book, “How to Train Your Owner: A Dog’s Guide to Getting What You Want Whenever You Want it.” Wait, he probably already has it. Hmmm… Then perhaps a doggie treat of some kind that’s nice for him to chew on and that he can tear apart… Like perhaps a new couch or something.
Brandi – Digestible soap because she needs to cleanup her act from the inside out. Too bad she can’t actually eat a loofah cuz there’s some serious scrubbing that needs to happen. Plus an obligatory a trip to a rehab center to cure her “drinking solution.” Oh, and some clothes… She obviously needs clothes that are made from more than 6 inches of fabric. And duct tape to cover her mouth to keep her from blurting out stuff. Wow… I’d better stop now cuz this particular list could get pretty dang long…
Yolanda – A lower horse – So she can step off her high horse. It’s a win/win since this would give her daughter a new horse to ride…
David (Yolanda’s beloved husband/king) – A new crown because the shine is quickly coming off his public persona… Although arguably, he still is a musical genius.
Yolanda’s Glass Refrigerator – Curtains… Cuz some things are just meant to be private!
Lisa – Tap shoes… Cuz she will need a new pair after all the tap dancing she’s done this season. Too bad “Dancing with the Stars” doesn’t use tap dance as a type of dance in which contestants compete cuz Lisa would have aced that one…
Ken (Lisa’s husband) – Some more lines on the show… Cuz really, he’s the only one who has made any sense this season thus far (I’m sure that will change soon enough…lol)
Giggy (Lisa’s dog) – An anti-puppy collar… Cuz that new puppy just bugs him.
New Dog (Lisa’s new dog) – A fiddle, and then a second fiddle… Cuz sadly, that’s all he’ll ever be while Giggy is around.
Real Housewives of Atlanta
Kenya – Icy Heat… Cuz I’m sure she’s hurt her back from all her recent twerking. Or perhaps a new fan cuz I’m sure the fan she used on last year’s reunion show is the only fan she has.
NeNe – Another nerve – Cuz it always seems like someone’s danced on her last nerve.
Greg – A hobby… So he stops smothering NeNe.
Porsha – The books, “The Scope of Freedom (The Leadership of Hosea Williams with Dr. King’s Summer ’65 Student Volunteers)” and “The Underground Railroad for Kids: From Slavery to Freedom with 21 Activities”… So Porsha’s grandfather (Hosea Williams) doesn’t stay rolled over in his grave after watching Sunday’s episode… Oh, and a toga… So Porsha has something to wear with those ugly sparkly gladiator shoes she wants so badly to buy.
Kandi – A crazy mom “Craymommeter” that will ring bells and sound alarms that will alert her when her mom starts acting cray cray so she can be cued to take appropriate evasive action.
Todd (Kandi’s fiancé) – A Teflon or Calphalon suit… So all future insults his future mother-in-law hurls at him will just slide off of him and not adversely affect his relationship with Kandi.
Cynthia – A new husband… Cuz the one she has lies to her face and doesn’t appear to respect her at all.
Peter – A permanent “Truth Patch” that he has to wear that requires him to be entirely truthful to Cynthia about everything.
Phaedra – A can of spinach to go with that “Popeye” face she makes all the time.
Apollo – A new phone with no texting ability… Texting seems to get him in trouble.
Real Housewives of New York City
Ramona – A play date with Kim Richards… Cuz they seem to both like turtle time.
Mario – A GPS locator to stealthily tag Ramona… Cuz she’s always all over the map.
LuAnne – A box of “Count Chocula” cereal… Cuz that’s as close to a real “Count” as she’ll ever get… at least for a while.
Heather – A can opener… So she can easily pry herself out of her “Yummy” shapewear.
Carole – A net… Cuz she keeps dropping names everywhere.
Aviva – A creepometer… Cuz she really needs something that alerts her to just how creepy her dad acts.
Aviva’s dad, George – Extra-strength Slime Away Shower Gel… Cuz he really needs to unslime himself.
Alex – Somewhere fancy she can go so that she can wear all those pretty clothes hanging alone in her closet.
Simon – Dozens of fresh roses… So he can be even more of a thorn in Bravo’s side.
Jill (THAT Jill) – A pin… To poke a hole in her obnoxiously inflated ego.
Bobby (Jill’s husband) – Earplugs… For obvious reasons.
Cyndy – Who? Oh wait, Cyndy Loo Who? Wasn’t she a character on the “Grinch Who Stole Christmas?”
Real Housewives of Orange County
Vicki – The book, “He’s Just Not that Into You”… Cuz… Ummm… He’s not. Plus, you can do better. Just sayin’…
Brooks (Vicki’s on again/off again boyfriend) – The book, “100 Sickeningly Sweet Poems to Manipulate and Romance Unsuspecting Vulnerable Love-Starved Women”… Cuz I’m sure he’s out of his annoying Hallmark one-liners by now.
Briana (Vicki’s daughter) – Blue Magic Heavy Foam Upholstery Cleaner with Stain Guard… Cuz you never know when a guest will put their tired feet up on the couch. Oh, and some respect for her mother.
Briana’s Husband – The book, “Etiquette for Dummies”… For obvious reasons. And duct tape to put over his mouth… Cuz he probably should never speak. Ever.
Tamra – The book, “Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids”… It should be written simplistically enough for her to easily understand so perhaps her next gathering will not deteriorate into a dinner party from hell.
Eddie (Tamra’s new husband) – A trash can… So he can finally take Tamra out properly.
Gretchen – Taste… Cuz obviously she has none… She has no taste in men, in fashion, and in friends. Well, I guess she has taste… it’s just bad taste.
Slade (Gretchen’s fiancé) – The books, “How to Extend your 15 Minutes of Fame” and “I’m Funny, Dammit and other Delusions of Grandeur”… For obvious reasons.
Lydia – The book, “Forever Grateful: How I Escaped Bravo’s Evil Clutches While Maintaining My Integrity”… For obvious reasons.
Judy (Lydia’s Mom) – A vat of fairy dust… Cuz you can never have too much fairy dust, can you?
The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Caroline – The book, “The Best of Dear Abby”… So she can learn the art of how to give relevant and wise advice from the original advice-giver.
Albert (Caroline’s husband) – The song, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”… For obvious reasons.
Albie (Caroline’s oldest son) – A pair of scissors… To finally cut his umbilical chord to his mother.
Chris (Caroline’s youngest son) – A bottle… To finally wean him off of his mother.
Lauren (Caroline’s daughter) – A new name to replace “Cafface Beauty Bar”… Cuz that’s got to be one of the worst business names ever!
Vito (Lauren’s fiancé) – A pair of tennis shoes… So he can run away as fast as he can from Lauren’s grasp. Run Vito, Run! Free Vito 2014©®™ And instant approval for his immediate entrance into the Federal Witness Security Program (WITSEC) so he can safely hide from Lauren and her family forever.
Jacqueline – A mind… Cuz she’s obviously lost hers.
Chris (Jacqueline’s husband) – The book, “How to Remain Sane When Your Wife is an Insane Bravo Housewife”… For obvious reasons.
Kathy – A remote control for her husband… So she can press the “mute” button when he’s being especially annoying.
Rich (Kathy’s husband) – Aretha Franklin’s “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” song playing on a continuous loop until he finds out “what it means to me” and the other women in his life. He could also use some duct tape for his mouth.
Melissa – Glade “Powder Fresh” Premium Room Spray… So Melissa can poop with confidence in her own bathroom.
Joe (Melissa’s husband) – Colour Off – Hair Color Stain Remover… For when Joe’s spray painted hair (or lack thereof) leaves stains everywhere… Adrienne Maloof could also probably use some of this for when she leaves her “spray tanning” stains on nice, white chair cushions.
Teresa – Dvds of the show, “Orange is the New Black”… Cuz it will help her prepare for her unfortunate but inevitable future.
Joe (Teresa’s husband) – The book, “Welcome to Prison–Enjoy Your Stay”… For obvious reasons. (I almost strayed to a really, really dark side on this one… but it IS Christmas, after all… lol… You’re welcome!)
Real Housewives of Miami
Adriana – The book, “A Liar’s Guide to Keeping Your Stories Straight”… Cuz, well, who could expect her to keep up with her own various conflicting versions of the same story? And an alarm that others set that emits electric shocks requiring her to be on time for a change.
Frederic (New husband) – A buyer for his yacht… Cuz there is no way in the world that Adriana will ever agree to permanently live on it. Or perhaps that was all part of his plan? Hmmmm…
Alexia – Parenting classes on how to teach your kids to respect others… For obvious reasons.
Joanna – Scruples… Because she obviously has none.
Roman (New husband) – Little blue pills… Cuz he’s married to a sex addict.
Lea – Surgery to remove the stick from her ass… For obvious reasons.
Lisa – A “Tupperware” label to permanently affix to her dupa… So she can be assured she will be burped at night to properly seal in her freshness… Since her body contains so much plastic.
Marysol – An assortment of fine cheeses… To go with her fine whines.
Elsa (Marysol’s Mom) – Health… Cuz isn’t that what we ALL really want for her? And for everyone?
Merry Christmas to all! God bless us, everyone!
A Christmas Message from Shamrock
May the spirit of Christmas
Still bring you wonder and magic
May the hope within it
Live on in your heart
Be joyous and happy
Be in good company
Have much food to eat
And much love
To fill your soul –
May the light within you
Shine onto all those
And may it come back to you
Throughout the new year to come
May your travels take you to places
Of warmth and open arms
May they be safe and free of
And may the memories you make
This holiday season
Follow you into your dreams
And linger there
To wake you with a smile
My love to you all
And my wish for all
A happy, joyful time
For you and all your care