Real Housewives of Bravo
New Year’s Resolutions
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Joyce – Promises to share her “Miss Universe Puerto Rico” tiara with Princess Pindy… For 1 day… And 1 day only…
Carlton – Says she will try hard to not try so hard… Plus she will refrain from finding an excuse to wear a bikini in each and every dang episode.
Kyle – Resolves to pick a team and stick with it.
Kim – Promises that she will find a storyline that includes more than just Kingsley or her love for turtles – Hopefully, it will finally include a live, breathing person. (Or at least a real boy – like Pinocchio.)
Brandi – Says she will always use the word, “Please” before she tells anyone to “Fu** Off,” “STFU,” or “Go Fu** Yourself.”
Yolanda – Resolves she won’t use her illness anymore as an excuse for her rudeness.
Lisa – Promises to wear other colors than just 50 shades of pink… And, as a bonus, she will fire most of her staff at SUR because they’re all annoying idiots.
Real Housewives of Atlanta
Kenya – Says she will refrain from purposefully jiggling her dupa in our face for no apparent reason.
NeNe – Promises she will finally stop drinking her own Kool-Aid.
Porsha – Resolves to take a history class so we can all stop being uncomfortably embarrassed for her. (She probably needs to take more than just a history class… but… baby steps.)
Kandi – Says she will start making others around her carry their own baggage so it will not affect her life anymore and she will finally be able to “Fly Above.”
Cynthia – Promises to protect herself and her daughter from her greedy weasel of a husband.
Phaedra – Resolves she won’t actually kill her husband on national TV. I mean, she may now be licensed to embalm and bury him – but she has no license to kill him unless of course she hires 007.
Kim Z – Promises not to have another baby this year. (I think that would be a first for her…)
Real Housewives of New York City
Ramona – Says she will set aside more on camera time for, “Turtle Time.”
LuAnn – Promises she won’t release a new single this year… (And the world rejoices and starts to resoundingly sing the “Hallelujah Chorus” in unison!)
Sonya – Resolves she will find and marry a really rich guy so we can stop hearing about how poor she is.
Heather – Says she will try to be less annoying this year,,. (A lofty goal, indeed…)
Carole – Promises she will stop pretending she’s a hippy while wearing designer clothes.
Aviva – Resolves that she will pick her top 50 phobias and stick only to them for an entire year.
Real Housewives of Orange County
Vicki – Says she will stop believing everything that slimy, greasy used car salesmen-like guys say to her. (No offence to nice used car salesmen.)
Tamra – Promises she will sincerely attempt to be a true friend to someone at least for a minute. (Again, baby steps…)
Gretchen – Resolves to stop Botoxing long enough so her face can actually move again.
Lydia – Promises not to gloat too much over the rest of the girls because she was smart enough to stop being a “Real Housewife of Orange County” with her integrity still intact.
Heather – Her “Royal Heatherness” says she will try to refrain from sitting on her royal throne with a scepter up her ass at least during filming.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Caroline – Says she will take her own advice before she tries to give anyone else advice.
Jacqueline – Promises to stop tweeting while she’s acting crazy… (This means she won’t be tweeting at all this year! Woo hoo!)
Kathy – Resolves to always leave the gun; take the cannoli.
Melissa – Says she will try to have an original thought. But then again, it would probably die of loneliness or boredom.
Teresa – Promises to redesign the jumpsuits in prison so they’ll sparkle and be, “Fabellicious!”
Real Housewives of Miami
Adriana – Resolves to pick a lie and stick with it.
Alexia – Promises to surround herself and her sons with a better caliber of people.
Joanna – Says she will only emasculate Roman in to having sex with her 7 times a week.
Lea – Resolves to purchase a Birkin bag for each RHOM viewer. I believe that means she’ll have to come up with 3 of them. (Only 2 – if you don’t count Andy.)
Lisa – Promises to stop being so whiney to her husband – Especially after he’s worked 12 hours that day.
Marysol – Says she will rent a backbone so she will finally be able to stick up for herself.
Happy New Year Everyone! May your lives be blessed with love, joy, peace, and health in 2014. And, as always, may you have way too much fun for words!
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERY ONE! NoMoreDrama
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