Top Chef “Leaving New Orleans” by BB
Only four chefs left: Carlos, Shirley, Nicholas and Nina. The chefs come into the kitchen and Padma, Tom and Gail are there. Immunity is off the table for this quickfire challenge. The winner will get a Toyota Corolla. This will be a two part quickfire. Round 1. Gail challenges them to create one perfect taste on a cocktail fork. It should have everything she likes; something sweet, a little salty, a little sour, and just a little bit of spice. Well, that should be easy – not! They have 20 minutes and only two of them will move on to the second round. Nicholas doesn’t want to overthink this one. Carlos and Nina made shrimp, and Shirley and Nicholas made steak. Gail picks Carlos and Nicholas to go to the second round.
Tom challenges them to showcase either a pepper or an eggplant to highlight their dish for the second round. Nicholas is making eggplant two ways. Carlos made red pepper soup. Nicholas thought Carlos took the easy way out. His dish definitely looks more complex. Carlos wins the car. Apparently simple is ok as long as it tastes better.
The chefs are told they will be going to Maui to compete after this last elimination. They must create a dish that will leave their marks on the great city of New Orleans. The winning dish will be featured in Emeril’s restaurants in New Orleans. They will be cooking for Emeril and three other famous chefs. Emeril tells them it’s time to kick it up a notch. He invites them to dinner and will personally cook for them at Emeril’s that evening.
Nicholas knows his biggest weakness has been overthinking and under-seasoning. Shirley looks over and thinks he’s overthinking once again and making it too complicated. Emeril and Tom come in to see how the chefs are doing. Nina is making an Italian garnish for her dish. Shirley wants to create a feeling that you’re floating on the bayou. Nicholas looks overworked and sweaty. He tells them his dish is going to be very simple this time. Carlos tells them he’s cooking a tamale and Toms is a little worried that it doesn’t represent the City of New Orleans until Carlos tells him he’s not using corn.
The other three chefs joining Emeril, Padma, Gail and Tom for dinner are Grant Achatz, Douglas Keane, and Andrew Carmellini. They are all big deals. Nina’s up first. She forgets to put her malfatti (pasta) ingredient on her plate. It’s a big mistake. She made Speckled Trout with Baby Vegetables and Barbeque Sauce. Tom asks her about the malfatti and she has to confess she didn’t plate it. She’s embarrassed. None of the judges seem to miss the malfatti. They love her dish.
Nicholas made Charred Cobia, Roasted Bass and Tuna Confit with Crispy Rice and Shrimp Consomme. They loved his broth and thought the difficulty level was good. The only complaint was that the fish may have been a little bland. Carlos made Steamed Seafood Tamal with Saffron Cream Sauce and Pickled Okra. The judges seemed to like the concept of Carlos’ dish even though it was something they wouldn’t have thought to put together.
Shirley made Black Drum with Zhenjiang Vinegar Butter Sauce, Braised Celery and Mushrooms. They look like they really enjoyed eating that dish. Nina is really mad at herself for not including the garnish for her dish.
Judges table, long story short. Tom doesn’t think Nina’s dish needed her garnish. Nobody else does either. Emeril loved Shirley’s sauce and they loved the way Shirley incorporated Chinese with the New Orleans flavors. The judges note that Nicholas finally seasoned his sauce right even though his fish was under-seasoned, but Gail really loved it. They also liked Carlos’ dish, even though Tom said something about the sauce and Emeril asks him why he didn’t use banana leaves in his dish.
Padma announces that Nina and Shirley had the favorite dishes of the challenge and will be going on to the final. Emeril announces Shirley as the winner and her dish will be featured in all of his New Orleans restaurants. I think Shirley is Emeril’s favorite and those two have developed a special bond during this competition. The judges send the four chefs out so they can decide who goes home between Nicholas and Carlos.
Tom is pulling for Nicholas, while Padma and Gail seem to be leaning towards Carlos. Emeril did have a problem with Carlos’ dish not being warm enough and that’s why he questioned the non-use of the banana leaves to keep it warm. Both chefs had something wrong with their dishes, so who will go home? Carlos is asked to pack his knives and go. I will say this here. Nicholas doesn’t deserve to win this competition. I can’t remember anyone who has made it to the finals who’s been in the bottom in the quickfire and elimination challenges as many times as he has. Not that I particularly want Carlos to win either. Either Nina or Shirley deserve the title; or if Louis makes it back, I wouldn’t be upset if he won the whole thing either.
Last Chance Kitchen: Carlos makes a Mahi Mahi dish and Louis makes a Tuna dish. Carlos’ fish is perfect but the other components of his dish are under-seasoned. Louis’ fish is overcooked, but his other components taste great. Five people judged this challenge not knowing whose dish was whose. The judges were Tom, Emeril, Nicholas, Nina and Shirley and each voted for their favorite dish by secret ballot. We won’t know who won until the next episode, which will be a double elimination. Based on Nicholas’ comment during the judging, I have a feeling he voted for Carlos, which is kind of ironic considering they don’t really like each other.
Brandi Podcasts 10 and 11 by Kit9
10 …Brags about having bestselling first book. Brandi wants 2014 to be a happy fun loving year(she’s off to a hell of a start). Brandi killed a rattlesnake once. She stabbed it with a kitchen knife as her kids taped it with an IPhone. Takes calls. First few callers have no questions just giddy Brandi praise. One caller calls Joyce a “classless asshole” and Brandi agrees with her. Next caller is somewhat critical and doesn’t like that Brandi said the racial comment was a joke but doesn’t think she’s racist. Brandi says she doesn’t know what’s off limits(understatement of the year and it’s only January!). Brandi claims she didn’t know at the moment she made the racial comment to Joyce that it was something offensive.
Guest: Caitlyn O’Connor. She’s a model and actress. Brandi wants her to take Joyce’s place on the show. Caitlyn has done beauty pageants and Brandi wants to know if pageant girls are nice or super competitive. Caitlyn says that some girls in pageants are nice to your face but talk behind your back. Brandi claims Joyce ran for the same pageant twice and wants to know if that’s legal. Brandi then bashes Joyce and calls her a “nut”. Brandi says that red cars=small penis for men. White, black, silver are acceptable colors for cars(riveting stuff, here, folks!). Brandi recently spent a thousand dollars on skin care products(more poor, single mother stuff, right?).
11….Guest: Kristen Taekman. Brandi’s old friend, model and new New York Housewife. Kristen just got new breast implants after having kids. Brandi’s boobs after kids were like a ball in the end of a tube sock. Kristen has a daughter named Kingsley and is freaked out Kim’s dog is named the same. Kim’s Kingsley bit Brandi. Brandi and Kristen first met in NY at a Halloween party. They talk about Kristen cutting her hair off after she had kids in what Brandi calls a Mommy bob. Brandi actually cried when Kristen chopped her hair off(possibly because shorter hair pushed Kristen slightly down the pretty scale and, thereby, invalidated their friendship). Brandi was in Kristen’s wedding. Kristen is obsessed with Elvis. That’s why her kid is named Kingsley. At her bachelorette in LV, Kristen went nuts after meeting an Elvis impersonator. So much so that she almost went home with the guy before Brandi stepped in and pulled her away.
Brandi says that Kristen’s husband is going to be great TV. Kristen and Brandi used to go to P. Diddy’s parties in the Hamptons. During the whole Leann debacle, Kristen took Eddie aside and ripped him a new one. Kristen kids Brandi about calling everyone her BFF but claims she’s among Brandi’s top 5. Brandi got Kristen her gig on RHNY by inviting her to Bravo upfronts in NY and introducing her to Andy. Brandi thinks that the NY franchise was boring and needed Kristen. Brandi and Kristen talk about how hard the show is to do and that it’s real work(oh, for god’s sake). Kristen says there is a lot of craziness in the new season.
Guests….comedians Jim Florentine and Don Jameison. I’m just going to refer to them as “the comedian” or “they” since I have no idea who is who when they are talking. Brandi starts off immediately with the disgusting molestation comments. Introduces them and then says, “I’ve stalked you online and we have something in common. I, too, wanted to be molested as a child but got passed up”. The comedian says that they didn’t really go after the girls and Brandi says, “They did! My sister got felt up by my principal but nothing for me. He didn’t look at me sideways”. They ask if she’s upset about it and she says “now, looking back, I’m super bummed…..I was thinking, all this and nothing?”
The comedian says that the priest messed with his self esteem as a child because he didn’t take him on trips to Chucky Cheese or the movies like he did the other boys. “I was easy, I would have put out” for nothing he says. Then the other one chimes in and says that he’s seen pics of him as a child and he “TOTALLY would have molested him”. Brandi says, “me too!”. Brandi then says she wasn’t really cute as a kid so she “kinda gets” why she wasn’t molested.
Brandi is blaming it all on her inexperience interviewing comedians. Right. Of all the material between these two men that she could have highlighted and opened the show with, she chose this. So, she obviously thought the material was hilarious. And, I’m sure Brandi’s sister is thrilled she blurted her molestation out publicly. Especially, as part of a “joke”. One of Brandi’s tweets the other day talked about how she had her boys and one of their friends over. I wanted to tweet her and ask if she invited over a pedophile to join them. She wouldn’t want to deprive them of the molestations she was so sorry to miss as a child, would she? Doubt she’d find my joke funny.
They talk about their back hair so Brandi talks about her mother’s pubic hair(you read that right). Brandi’s mother, she tells us, has “70’s bush” and a “lady lump” in her jeans. Her parents were naked a lot.They want to know if her dad had a large penis. She doesn’t answer, thankfully. Brandi wants to do comedy sketches and asks for their help. Brandi thinks she’s smarter than any therapist she’s ever seen. They ask what Brandi’s “issues “are that she’d be seeing a therapist and she says she picks at her skin and self mutilates. She’s not a cutter, she’s a digger, she says. Brandi is only with her current bf for the sex. Brandi claims that a lot of her Jewish boyfriends wouldn’t perform oral sex. Says it probably wasn’t Kosher(groan).
Brandi says she has several friends who are comedians and that they can be very dark and brooding. She names one–Chris Kattan. Brandi talks about how little boys are gross creatures. Her boys smell and fart all the time. Also says she wipes her 6 and 10 yo’s butts. She doesn’t like the word fart and says, ‘toot’ instead. Brandi doesn’t like bathroom humor(I’m as stunned as you are)and in 13 years of marriage, Eddie never saw her pee. They had separate bathrooms. She freaks out when they ask about her “dropping a deuce” in front of him. When Eddie had to go to the bathroom, Brandi would pretend it wasn’t happening. She wouldn’t date a guy who burped or farted and then says what may be the funniest thing to ever come out of her mouth–“I’m into manners”.
Talk about Duff Mckagan from Guns and Roses. His wife, Susan, is a friend of Brandi’s(of course she is. I think it’s easier to name the people who aren’t Brandi’s friends than those that are). I looked this Susan up and discovered she is the woman identified as Brandi’s sister in the Daily Mail about Brandi’s molestation comments-the tall blond. They all whine about how they have to all censor themselves in this PC world. The comedians complain that people freak out over their use of the word “midget” in their show, instead of “little people”, for example.
Brandi is really upset by people who are overly sensitive about such things. Her agent apparently described a man as Pakistani and Brandi told him not to talk about race at all around her because she’s so afraid of the pc police(see, Joyce’s labels are totes ruining her life!). Brandi continues…”listen, Barack Obama is our President… there is no more prejudice, really. We say shit to get a reaction because we’re entertainers”(pausing to let you absorb all that). Still pausing.
They then end things on a super classy note and talk about dogs and sex. Specifically, involving dogs with sex. They ask if Brandi feels guilty when the dog is in the room when she has sex. Brandi claims dogs can “feel the heat” and come running to watch her have sex. One of them says his dog sometimes humps his leg while he’s having sex and that’s it’s kind of like a threesome. “Or lick your toes! It’s kinda hot when they lick your toes”, Brandi says and suggests they put peanut butter on their toes so the dog is licking their toes as they are “humping their wives”…”it’s kind of amazing!”.