Real Housewives Of Orange County
S9E4 “Pretty Ugly”
Remember last week we finished up the never ending dinner at Over-Sharing Shannon’s majestic and opulent but down-to-earth house with the $240,000 chandelier and indoor basketball court… For the millionth time, Briana told Vicki that she doesn’t like Brooks while Vicki told her tough noogies, she’s dating him anyway (and the world in unison experienced an involuntary shudder)… Tamra told Her Royal Heatherness that she treats everyone else as mere peasants (duh)… And Heather tattled to Eddie about Tamra’s big “I want to have another baby” conversation and then Eddie promptly tattled to Tamra about Heather’s tattling.
Tonight’s episode begins at Over-Sharing Shannon and David’s house (because we haven’t already seen enough of their house). David tells Shannon to pack because he got a room at the St. Regis – Monarch Beach for the night (http://www.stregismb.com/). His sister (Aunt Lori) is coming over and will stay with the kids. Shannon is befuddled at what to pack for this huge jaunt – Because they’re going to be traveling for a whopping 10 minutes (at most) to the hotel. David suggests that she wear her shortest dress and that it be an easy on/easy off kind of dress. He then specifically suggests she wear her slinky red dress that shows off her boobs. Shannon decides she needs to pack her spanks. As they get into the car, David disgustedly says the car is a mess – and Shannon tells him she didn’t know they were going to go anywhere. This is so going to be fun… lol!
Vicki has moved her “Coto Insurance” offices to yet a different location in Rancho Santa Margarita. Just a thought – If you’re going to name your insurance business after a small “planned community” of about 15,000 (Coto de Caza)….You might want to maintain your offices in said small “planned community,” no? For that matter, someone as visionary and business savvy as I think Vicki can be at times – It strikes me a little strange that she named her business, “Coto Insurance.” From a marketing perspective, the name alone may limit her success from the rest of the population of Orange County (3 million). Just sayin’…
As we look around at her new offices – One cannot help notice that there is absolutely no one around at Coto Insurance… No one is stirring, not even a mouse! Oh, except Vicki – You can hear her tap, tap, tapping on her computer from a mile away it’s so quiet – Oh, I get it – It’s after hours. Vicki hates going home to a quiet, empty home which is her explanation for why she’s working such late hours. When she was married and her kids were still at home she STILL worked a lot – So I don’t know who Vicki thinks she’s fooling. There’s a lot that can be said about Vicki – But she has always worked really hard.
Kelli (Vicki’s decorator) arrives and they begin picking out wallpaper. Vicki takes the wallpaper samples to the only other person still at work to ask her to pick out something for her office. Through this conversation it comes out that the receptionist’s area is too dark and actually makes the receptionist want to take a nap. Missing the point completely, Vicki is horrified at this since according to Vicki – No one sleeps during work time! In the lobby area they have one of those wall-mounted water fountains. I can see why the constant sound of water trickling would lull you into a sleepy-state of being – Especially after lunch if you’re not particularly busy. In addition, a very large lobby wall area is covered in dark leather wall tiles that evidently stink to some people. I mean, I guess it’s okay if you like the smell of rotting animal skin on your walls. (Just kidding, but not really)… The decorator is trying to get this entire space to feel more like a “Vicki kind of space” and a little less of an “office kind of space.” A second opinion confirms that the dark leather wall in the lobby resembles the brick walls of a prison. Vicki says, “FML” or for those of us who have no idea what she’s talking about, “Frick my Life.”
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, comedian David tells the bellman that Shannon has a problem with her snoring and that’s why they have a snoring machine. This is not so funny to Shannon since of course it’s David who has the snoring issue. They order a couple of Bloody Mary’s… or, as they’re called at the St. Regis, “Agave Maria” (Get it – a play on “Ave Maria”). They get into their plush white robes, plop on the bed, attempt to drink their fancy, “Agave Maria” drinks through impressive barriers of celery and straws, and are immediately engulfed in the sounds of their own silence. I mean, if there were crickets within 50 miles of them – You would have heard them chirp. They have absolutely nothing to say to each other. Somewhere in the night Stars99 starts to softly sing, “Hello darkness my old friend… I’ve come to talk with you again…” (Simon & Garfunkel, “Sounds of Silence” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTCNwgzM2rQ). Wow, holy awkward, stilted conversation, Batman – These guys need to figure out how to talk and relate to each other.
We transition to the “Ugly Sweater Party” charity event that’s being held at this year’s “Friend of the Housewive’s” house – Danielle Gregorio. It’s here that we officially meet Danielle – Who is billed as “Tamra’s friend” although we found out last week that Danielle had only met Tamra a few days earlier at Eddie and Tamra’s fitness studio.
We also get to meet Lizzie Rovsek (who is billed as Danielle’s friend) as she arrives with her husband, Christian. Lizzie explains to Danielle that she couldn’t find a good ugly sweater to wear. However, she tells us that really, she just didn’t want to look frumpy or like a grandma so she wanted to wear one of her own sweaters and just pin ugly poinsettias all over it. With drink in hand, Lizzie attempts to move from one room to another but slips, falls, and spills her drink all over the floor. Luckily, there’s a dog in a very ugly sweater that’s ready to lap up the spilled drink off of the floor. Poor dog, I’d want to be drunk too if my family made me wear a sweater like that in public – I mean the poor pooch is going to be humiliated at the dog park for years to come. This may just constitute a case of excessive cruelty to animals… I think the pooch should sue.
Fortunately for Lizzie, there’s hardly anyone at the party yet – So no one really saw it… Well, except the TV cameras, of course. As a bratty 8 year old would say, “Did you have a nice trip? See ya next fall!” Tripping is never a fun thing, especially in high heels but Lizzie handled it gracefully. We learn that Lizzie is a pageant girl (insert gratuitous eye roll here) who has never fallen down before this – But thinks that 56% of all pageant queens have fallen down at one time or another. Not sure why she picked “56%”… but okay…lol. She is going to, “dust it off and keep going….” then in an almost southern-sounding fakey accent she says an exaggerated, “HiiiIIIIiiii.” Okay, THAT’s gonna get old…
As Tamra and Eddie arrive to the “Ugly Sweater Party” Tamra is afraid that this just may all be a big joke on them and that she and Eddie are going to be the only ones wearing ugly sweaters. Now THAT would have been AWESOME! As Heather and Terry drive to the party, they’re just sure that Eddie will be wearing a sweater that’s way too tight on him so his muscles will bulge out. Yeah, that’s a safe bet.
And because Tamra is such a wonderful, salt of the earth, genuinely kind and good person – She tells us that she is “not into ugly” and that she doesn’t want to, “walk into a party of ugly looking people.” She’s such a nice girl, that Tamra, no? Everyone meets everyone else and seems to be having a good time. Tamra and Lizzie find common ground for the moment in that Lizzie recently worked out at Tamra & Eddie’s fitness studio, lives in Ladera Ranch and has young children. Heather and Terry show up in matching sweaters which is hysterical to me. I think it’s kind of funny but Tamra thinks it’s creepy. Of course she does.
Heather is talking to Lizzie and tells her that she’s trying hard not to stare at the poinsettias that are plastered on top of her tight-fitting sweater. Lizzie has enjoyed having big boobs since the 5th grade and she seems to like to wear things that accentuate her assets – Both of them. Pinning poinsettias on top of Lizzie’s Grand Tetons seems a little overkill to me – But on the plus side it has given people license to gawk.
Okay, now we get to the portion of our program that I was dreading all week – but fear not! It is very short and I will make this very brief so we all come out alive! Brooks and Vicki go out to dinner. Vicki tells Brooks that she recently met with Briana and that it didn’t go very well. Brooks asks how things were left after their conversation. Vicki tells him that Briana said that Brooks has never apologized to her. Of course we all know that’s simply not true because we have the footage to prove it – and sure enough, Bravo shows it. Yep, Brooks apologized to Briana on national TV. Brooks again acknowledges that what he said was inexcusable in any circumstance – Whether he was drunk or not. See that? He backhandedly and subtly reminded all of us that he was drunk when he said some really nasty things about what he thought Ryan should do to Briana. I think Brooks should just close his mouth. Brooks says he would like the opportunity to talk to Briana but that you can’t force somebody to be ready for that. Vicki has been hiding her relationship with Brooks from most people in her life because she doesn’t want to hear any backlash from it. Brooks doesn’t want to spend time with Vicki’s friends – Which I take to mean that WE WON’T BE SEEING MUCH OF HIM THIS SEASON! WOO HOOO!!! Then Vicki launches into some vomit-worthy flattery of how Brooks is, “The bomb.com.” Ugh… just ugh… Oh, and, wrong century, Vicki! Vicki declares she is going to date Brooks regardless of what anyone thinks. Sigh.
Shannon and David are at dinner. He sincerely tells her she looks great tonight. However, because this is Shannon, she manages to turn his compliment into a discussion wherein it’s clear to her that he wants her to have a boob job. Really? Just say, “Thank you” and move on. Shannon says she wants to spend more quality time with her husband, but it seems like every time he says something nice to her she’s quick to find fault with it. Who wants to spend time with that? David admits to liking boobs. Color me, oh, so surprised. This is obviously part of an ongoing conversation they’ve been having. Shannon doesn’t want to get a boob job because she’s worried about the message it would send to her kids. Plus, I highly doubt they make organic, biodegradable silicon…lol …By the way, because I don’t have anything better to do at 1:58 AM, I searched, “organic silicone breast implants”… and surprise, surprise, they do have them. I still doubt they’re biodegradable, though. Lol.
Unfortunately, David then mistakenly tells Shannon that he just wants her, “to firm them up a little bit.” Right, cuz that’s what EVERY woman wants to hear. He hastily attempts to clarify that it’s from breast feeding 3 kids, etc. Shannon told him she get the implants right after he gets a penile implant. David quickly says his procedure is already scheduled.
David tells Shannon that he doesn’t wish ill will for their relationship. He asks to hold her hand – and I’m telling you – It was like a struggle for these two to sit there, hold hands, and have a meaningful dialog. Shannon tells him that sometimes it doesn’t feel like he makes her a priority. She doesn’t want to feel like him spending time with her is a chore. He reassures her and tells her that she is an amazingly fun person – and it’s why he married her. Shannon tells us she doesn’t think David gives her enough attention but that he’s committed to working on it.
When they return to their hotel room after dinner – David had arranged for there to be a heart made from rose petals on their bed. Shannon believes that “true romance” is when you’re in tune with your partner. Before they even begin to make-out on the bed, Shannon says that she wishes she was, “drunker.” Much to David’s chagrin, Shannon takes a swig of something right out of the bottle. As they awkwardly lie on the bed and start to kiss, we viewers collectively yell at Production to, “End Scene!”
Back at the “Ugly Sweater Party,” Danielle, Lizzie, Tamra and Heather are all standing around talking. They commiserate about how uncomfortably advanced and adult-like their daughters seem to be. They start sharing notes about how their daughters are talking to them about “butt rolls” and “stripper poles.” Tamra tells us her daughter’s favorite word is, “hoochie mama.” Actually Tamra, that’s 2 words, but who’s counting? Heather then makes the mistake of using more than a 2 syllable word in front of Tamra when she uses the word, “amalgam.” After providing the definition in a couple of different ways, Tamra asked Heather to use it in a sentence. Heather reminds Tamra that she just had used it in a sentence. Everyone agrees it’s a big word. In her talking head, new girl Lizzie does her best Spelling Bee contestant imitation and provides us with a clear definition. Oh, this is so not going to go over well with our little Tamra. Heather wants to just move on so she’s not berated for using such a hoity-toity word.
Danielle announces the winners of the, “Ugly Sweater Contest.” A very pregnant woman whose half sweater had several bells hanging from ribbons over her bare pregnant belly won first place. Terry and Heather won for “Couple with the Ugliest Sweaters.” Okay, okay… truth be told – I didn’t think their sweaters were all that bad until you look at the very bottom of them. Two of these sweaters in one room is a bit much – but not horribly bad, considering. However, in her talking head, Tamra snottily says, “I think that Heather and Terry’s sweaters are an amalgam of ugly and uglier.” Should I take this time to point out that “ugly” and “uglier” are not actually two different things – but merely a gradation of the same thing and therefore not really an “amalgam?” Oops, I used a 3 syllable word – Tamra will never understand the explanation of it. As Heather accepts her “Couple with the Ugliest Sweater” award she says she has never been so happy about being ugly.
Lizzie and Christian have been married for 4 years. They originally met at a bar in San Diego when they were each out with friends. They dated for a year and then they broke-up. They didn’t see or talk to each other for the next 4 years. Christian then called Lizzie out of the blue and asked her to come and see him and his friends. Lizzie and Christian have been together ever since. They have 2 sons, Preston who is 3 years old and Kingston who is almost 2.
Lizzie owns a swimwear company called, “Sun Kitten Swimwear.” She conducts a photo shoot at her family’s beach house. We learn that Lizzie was born in Orange County but when she was 9 they moved to a horse farm in Kentucky in a very small town. She always wanted to be an actor but her parents wanted her to get a degree. Her dad was a Harvard/Yale physicist. She got a fashion design and merchandising degree. Lizzie boasts about being the valedictorian for her high school graduation class. Up until this point of time, I think that Lizzie is going to be in the photo shoot – but no, Mabelynn Capeluj, Miss California USA 2013 is the model of the day. Lizzie tells us that she doesn’t want to be the model because she wants to focus on her swimsuits and how they look.
Tamra and Eddie go out to dinner together. Evidently, they don’t much quality time together. Tamra notices that Eddie isn’t wearing his wedding ring. He lamely tries to explain why he’s not wearing it. Tamra picks up a knife and pretends that she is going to carve her name onto his finger. Then, as if it had ANYTHING to do with why he’s not wearing his wedding ring, he brings up the fact that Tamra had Simon’s name tattooed on her ring finger at one point of time. That was just silly for him to bring it up at this point. I mean I get it – that she kind of started it with the whole knife thing… but he’s got to know that must flip her fig.
Tamra initiates the conversation that we ALL knew this whole dinner was going to center around – She brings up the topic of having children. Tamra asks Eddie if he is going to be okay with not having any children of his own. Eddie thinks he will be okay with it. Tamra tells him, “What if I wanted to have another child – Would you be okay with that?” Eddie responds, “Probably… Do you really want to have a baby? Let’s figure it out – What I’m not okay with is having to raise the child – I don’t have time for that.” <Pause> Okay wait… Did we just hear a guy be honest that he doesn’t have time or even the interest to raise a child? That he would be okay to go ahead with having one to make his wife happy – if he didn’t have to do much? I’m so conflicted on this… Up to this point, he’s only had to deal with kids 50% of the time – All day/every day is a whole nuther Oprah. I’ve got to give him this – He seems like he’s being totally honest with Tamra about his feelings.
Tamra asks, “Who is going to raise it?” Eddie is pretty clear that he expects Tamra to do most of the work, which is what she says that women do anyway. Tamra thinks that Eddie is afraid of being a dad because his parents weren’t in his life. Eddie tells her that he has, “to work” and Tamra agrees that men work. I wonder if Tamra is angling not to work anymore outside of the home… Hmmm… Eddie says he doesn’t do well with babies. Tamra realizes that this conversation clearly makes Eddie nervous. Babies/kids are a lifetime commitment. Tamra says she wants her own baby that she doesn’t have to share. It looks like she won’t even have to share the kid with Eddie from the sound of things. She wants a child that, “Simon’s not going take away from me.” Eddie says that all he knows is how to work – That he doesn’t know how to raise kids. I bet Eddie knows nuthin’ ‘bout birthin’ babies, either! (Obscure, “Gone with the Wind” reference in honor of my beloved Mom who just loved that movie – I miss you Mom!).
Next week’s previews had a BIG “I Kid You Not” moment for Vicki that I’m not going to spoil because I need to use it for next week. Holy crap on a cracker! But in addition, we see Lizzie tell Vicki that she’s not nice… We also see some haggling over the seating arrangements at a restaurant… I’m rubbing my hands in gleeful snarky anticipation!
Dancing with the Stars S18E8
Last week’s scores:
There are rumors floating around the net that the “fix” is in for Maks and Meryl to be the champions this season, no matter what happens. There are always these types of conspiracy theories out there whenever there are competitions of this sort. I remember reading about American Idol voting irregularities and I’m sure there have been other accusations associated with other competition shows. All I can say is, with the exception of maybe Candace, I think the best dancers are still in the competition.
The guest judge was Abby (Crabby) Lee Miller. So far, all of the guest judges have voted in line (or higher) with the regular judges. That ended this week with Crabby. The kids from Dance Moms were in the audience.
Phase One was the individual dance.
Charlie and Sharna were declared safe and danced first. They danced the Quick Step. Charlie and Sharna were frustrated because they didn’t think they got the scores they deserved last week. I agree with them. Although I haven’t been impressed by Charlie overall, I thought they danced well last week, just as they did this week. Crabby is critical of Charlie and Bruno corrects her on her criticism. She won’t shut up and Tom tells her it’s only a two hour show and she has to move along. Score: 40 (all 10’s) Crabby should stop the criticisms if she’s going to give out a 10.
Meryl and Maks were safe. Danica and Val were in jeopardy and danced second. They danced the Tango. I don’t know about the technicalities of the dance, but I enjoyed watching it. Score: 38
Meryl and Maks danced the Rhumba. The audience loved it. Bruno loved it and gave them a 10. Carrie Ann and Len thought it maybe was not enough Rhumba and gave them 9s. Abby was critical of Meryl’s foot positions and Maks said he didn’t care about anything Crabby had to say. The audience booed when Crabby gave them the lowest score of 8. Score: 36
Amy and Derek were safe. James and Peta were in jeopardy.
Candace and Mark were in jeopardy. They danced the Fox Trot. Carrie Ann thought Candace was back on track. Len thought it was joyful to watch. Abby liked it but would have choreographed it differently. Bruno told Candace to watch her line extensions. Score: 36
James and Peta danced the Viennese Waltz. Posture was important in this dance. I thought the dance was lovely. The judges thought so too with the exception of James’ posture. Score: 36
Amy and Derek danced the Argentine Tango. Perfection. Score: 40
Phase two was the Celebrity Dance Duel (side by side comparisons). Meryl and Maks/Danica and Val were up first and danced the Samba. The ladies were slightly out of sync when dancing without the guys and the judges called them on it. Score: 34
Charlie and Sharna/Candace and Mark did a contemporary dance routine. I thought they did a better job of it but it may have been easier since it was a guy and a girl combination. Candace and Charlie did a good job. The judges noticed that Sharna messed up on one of the lifts. Score: 38
Last up were Amy/Derek and James/Peta who danced the Jive. Amy was worried she was holding the others back by having limited choreography. She needn’t have worried. She and James danced great together and they all did very well as a group. The best of the three in my opinion. Score: 39
Elimination time: Danica, Candace or James. This week it was Danica who went home. As much as I like Candace, she probably should have been the one eliminated. Maybe there are more Full House fans than Wonder Year fans out there.
This week’s scores:
Amy: 40 + 39 = 79
Charlie: 40 + 38 = 78
James: 36 + 39 = 75
Candace: 36 + 38 = 74
Danica: 38 + 34 = 72 (Eliminated)
Meryl: 36 + 34 = 70
Next Week, the Semi-Finals.