Real Housewives Of Orange County
S9E6 “Showdown At The Hoedown”
Remember last week… There was nothing better to argue about so Her Royal Heatherness and Shannon argued about a chair. Yep, that’s right – a chair. Two grown women argued about a chair – Petty, petty, petty – But it was semi-amusing nonetheless. Especially because the table was positively ginormous – I mean a whole 6 people sat around it so it made the seating arrangement oh, so important [insert gratuitous eye roll here]. Oh, and Vicki was rude to Lizzie and refuses to call her by her name because she thinks it sounds like a child’s name. I tried to henceforth call Vicki, “Victoria” because of her stupid reasoning – but I really like the name “Victoria” and I just refuse to disparage the name.
Okay, so this episode opens at Heather’s house. There’s cooking going on in the kitchen and kids are around helping out or doing their homework, etc. Terry comes home from work and they briefly discuss their upcoming hoedown. Heather uses this opportunity to clue in Terry about ChairGate 2014©®™ I dunno, I’m surprised that Heather isn’t embarrassed about the whole thing especially as she talks about it in front of her kids. Of course she spun it to sound like she stood up for herself and that somehow she was wronged. She continued last week’s accusation that Shannon was “scary.” Sigh…
Shannon and Vicki go to Boot Barn to pretend to pick out appropriate Hoedown boots but they were actually just using their boots for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do – One of these days their boots are gonna walk all over you. Does it amuse you guys when the housewives us our terminology – Shannon mentions “ChairGate 2014©®™” as she’s talking about Heather while throwing her on the dirt and stomping on her face with her nice, new boots.
Shannon was originally excited that Heather was going to be her neighbor – But that must have been short lived because news just broke that Shannon and her husband put their goliath of a home on the market last week. I wonder who will get custody of the chandelier… ooOOOoo and the secret room?
Shannon insists that she’s never argued with anyone over a chair – but do we believe that? She has argued with her husband over the eating of oranges – I wonder if he was sitting down in a chair at the time? Vicki asked if she put her foot down – Awww…. See that? Vicki was being funny… lol… In an attempt to refute Heather’s accusation that she was scary, Shannon closes her eyes, clicks her ruby red boots together, rocks back and forth, and chants in a trancelike sing song voice, “I’m not scary, I’m nice… I’m not scary, I’m nice… I’m not scary, I’m nice…” Well, maybe she didn’t do all of that – but it would have been fun if she had, no?
They start talking about Lizzie but because Vicki has a permanent brain fart about forming the word, “Lizzie” – She refers to “Lizzie” as “Izzie” – She explains it’s “Izzy” like a lizard. Except that if it WAS like a “LIZARD” – Wouldn’t it be LIZZIE????? Somehow Vicki thinks it’s okay to call Lizzie, “Izzie” because people call Vicky “Icky.” Newsflash, Vicki – The BIG difference is that people call you “Icky” because it’s actually an adjective that too often aptly describes your own behavior.
Last week Vicki told us in her talking head she called Lizzie, “Izzy” because she couldn’t understand why a grown adult would be called, “Lizzie.” C’mon, Vicki – I wish you would keep your nonsensical explanations for your own stupidity and rudeness straight. Shannon quite appropriately calls Vicki out on this by telling her that she is right on the boundary and is teetering over the edge of propriety. Vicki tells us that it’s hard for her but that she will get it but it might take some time. No really, she actually said that – Instills so much confidence in her professional ability, right? I mean, we all have had issues with people’s names at one time or another – but come the heck on…
Heather’s next scene is an Emmy-worthy scene. She actually insists with a straight face that nothing’s going to happen at her hoedown. No drama. Uh, really, Heather? Have you met your friends?
Vicki is at her recently feng shui modified office when Briana and Troy come to “surprise” her… How very convenient – The cameras are there to capture this surprise! [Cough, cough] Vicki boasts that this month has been her best month of the year so far – but she stops short of crediting it to her feng shui adjustments. Briana wants Vicki to take a couple of days off to fly to Oklahoma to help them find a home. Vicki says she would rather have a root canal. Vicki offered that “we” could buy a house here – and find a rental in Oklahoma. Briana insists she doesn’t know if they’ll ever live here in Southern California again because they don’t know what the Marines have in store for them. Using this logic, I’m not sure why Briana thinks they’ll actually live in Oklahoma for a significant amount of time, either. But it is dramatically cheaper there, so they will be able to afford a home much easier.
Briana chuckles as she tells Vicki the area in Oklahoma City where they’re looking for houses was recently devastated by a tornado so all the houses are brand new. Vicki looks at her stunned… I’m also shocked because it felt weird – like Briana was capitalizing on others’ misfortunes… I think Vicki is stunned because she knows that Briana’s obviously moving to a tornado zone. I think perhaps part of Briana’s laughter was her taking some devilish delight in knowing the tornado part was going to flip Vicki’s fig. Before releasing them from her office, Vicki insists that Troy says, “I love Nana” – Which is something this adorable kid does without hesitation. Sorry Troy, your Nana is going to demand that validation from you every moment of her life – So you’d better get used to it now… lol…
The whole Dubrow family is embracing the hoedown theme, how fun! They all have cowboy hats, bandanas, outfits and Sheriff’s badges. Heather is really looking forward to this celebration of their lives together. She is grateful for everything and everyone – Even her housewife friends – or at least some of them.
When they arrive at Party Central – or, as we now know it, the “Dubrow Ranch” – Things weren’t exactly all put together. Fortunately, it didn’t take long for it to transform into a western town which is exactly what Heather wanted. They were going for a Little House on the Prairie kind of feel and it was just perfect. I gotta say it cracked me up to see the hay bales come in – Because I guess I just don’t ever see Heather and hay bales ever belonging together.
Heather was very excited to walk Terry over to her big surprise for him which was the Beer Battered Onion Ring Bar. We again hear in her talking head interview about how she learned her lesson from last season and that she promises she will provide onion rings at every single gathering they have. I’m glad we embarrassed Heather into submission on the onion ring topic. It was so cute, because they had one of those, western “Wanted” posters posted next to the Onion Ring Bar that had a picture of Terry on it – He was called, “The Onion Ring Bandit.” Lol… Love, love, LOVE it!
According to Terry there are a couple of “legendary baseball players” in attendance. First, there’s Jim Edmonds – former major league outfielder – and Meghan, his fiancée (soon to be 3rd wife). In addition, Josh Hamilton was also in attendance and is who Bravo describes as a “Los Angeles outfielder.”
Okay, this is where Stars99 gets on a soap box in the center of the room, taps on the microphone, and makes the following clarification: For those of you who do not live in Southern California – I cannot possibly emphasize enough the public outrage and pure sacrilege that stems from renaming our beloved Anaheim baseball team to the “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.” Most of us know Gene Autry’s Angels (It will always be his team in my opinion) as either the “Anaheim Angels” (1997-2005) or the “California Angels” (1965-1997). We are very bitter about the stupid name change in 2005. Los Angeles has its own baseball team (Dodgers). The Angels’ new owner provided some lame excuse for the name change by saying it related to the team’s origin and by attempting to tell us that it would capitalize on Los Angeles as being a “big market.” News Flash, you gooberhead – Orange County is the 6th most populous county in the entire United States. Sheesh.
Meanwhile, back at the Hoedown, Tammy Sue & Eddie and Lizzie & Christian arrive. Lizzie marvels at the Dubrow lot and observes that it’s on the highest corner lot possible in Newport Coast, on a hill overlooking the ocean. She jokes that Heather is ACTUALLY looking down at everyone. Lizzie admits to being jealous but seems genuinely happy for Heather. I like her. I like Shannon, too – she “just kinda irritates” me at times (Tangent alert: I hope Milania is doing okay – and all of Teresa’s kids for that matter… Sigh).
Tamra tries to clue in Lizzie about Vicki – And … are you ready for this? Tamra actually tells her that, “Vicki is strong with her words” and that, “She has no filter whatsoever.” This is coming from Tamra! Lolol…. Lizzie just thinks Vicki is mean. Tamra advises Lizzie to stand up for herself like she did with Vicki in the limo. Lizzie, who is so much smarter than anyone gives her credit to be wonders why Tamra is saying such things about Vicki. She thought Vicki and Tamra were good friends. Red flag warning, Lizzie – RUN while you still can! Go find Lydia – She would be fun to hang out with!
I can easily summarize most of the rest of the episode: 1) Vicki, Shannon and Danielle were all “Tardy to the Party” by over an hour. They all came at once. However, Shannon was the only one that was called on the carpet for it by Heather. Heather says in her blog that she knew that Danielle was going to be late. She held up starting the ground-breaking ceremony as long as she could because she wanted Vicki and Shannon to be there. Shannon blames her husband (he coaches their twin’s basketball team on Saturdays) who wouldn’t change their pre-arranged practice for this party. The nerve. Shannon also blames Vicki (in her blog) for arriving late to their house so they could leave. Why did Vicki have to meet Shannon at her house you ask? It’s a mystery to me because Shannon’s house is like a whole mile away from Heather’s site, if that… lol.
2) Shannon’s husband David, whom I have defended in the past – Acted like a complete gooberhead this episode. Oh, sure he apologized to Terry for being late… but… but… but… He openly flirted with the baseball player’s fiancée. After Shannon walked up on them as they were taking shots together, David conveniently forgot to introduce his wife to said fiancée. I mean Vicki was there taking shots, too – but still. There was definitely some flirting going on. David immediately apologized to his wife when she openly criticized him for his rudeness in front of Vicki. I think over the years he’s learned to apologize quickly so Shannon will get over the offence as fast as possible. However, the icing on the cake was when he yelled lewd things at Heather (in front of her kids) as she was riding the mechanical bull. It was just weird and inappropriate.
3) There was a whole bunch of Tamra and Vicki going back and forth between Shannon and Heather as they attempted to mediate their friendship breakdown issues – This was all much ado about nothing…. Remember this “feud” is all over tardiness and a chair. Vicki asked Heather a question and then quickly tilted her head and pretended to snore because she felt Heather’s long winded explanation was too boring. Her Royal Heatherness was not amused, but I was. I’ve got to say it’s amusing when it’s done to someone else – but not so much when it’s done to you. However, if Vicki did it to me – I would send Vicki cartons of NoDoz, Red Bull, and chocolate espresso beans. I would really be a pain in the neck about it, too. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if I bought a teddy bear and a blankie to have on hand for Vicki’s narcoleptic emergencies. Don’t even get me started about potential pacifiers. Yeah… It’s just not smart to disrespect creative people. Just sayin’…
4) Vicki apologized to Lizzie. Vicki even wanted to do tequila shots with Lizzie because she remembered that Lizzie was Mexican. Well, except that Lizzie’s not Mexican. Vicki is positive Lizzie told her she was Mexican. Of course they show us the footage from just last week wherein Lizzie told Vicki she was Italian and Cherokee Indian. Yeah, Vicki has the attention span of a gnat.
They had an adorable donut eating contest – The donuts were hanging by strings off a horizontal pole which made it a “bobbing for donuts” kind of thing. Everyone had lunch (the onion rings were a HIT). There was line dancing and square dancing. Lizzie loves to dance because it’s a drama free zone since no one is talking…lol.
The episode ended with a everyone taking turns on riding a mechanical bull. Eddie seemed a little too at ease doing it – but then again, so did Tamra. Heather got on even though she was wearing a short dress. I mean she DOES know she’s going to get bucked off, right? Gee, that’s just what kids want to see – their Mom flashing a national TV audience. Fortunately, we didn’t see Heather fall off the bull – it was all very tasteful – Except of course for David yelling lewd comments at Heather in front of children – That was just so cray cray.
Well, and then there was Tamra. It sounds from their blogs that Tamra road the bull at least 3 times even though we only saw her ride once. Tamra mounted the mechanical bull as arrogantly as you would imagine. Then Heather told the mechanical bull operator, “Turn that up.” A couple seconds later, Terry asks Heather if she had turned the speed way up… And Heather confirms, “Yes.” Tamra gets bucked off and says she thinks she might have broken her arm… Heather wants to fire the operator.
Okay this is when Heather goes into “Cover your dupa” overdrive. We’ve gotta understand that when accidents happen when rich people are involved – Their first instinct is often towards lawsuit mitigation and protect their resources after they know the person actually is going to be okay. However, it’s also why you always purchase private event insurance.
As Heather is talking to Tamra, she tells her they made the bull go fast when Heather was riding it because she was wearing a dress. Now we who watched the show know that the bull was NOT going that fast for Heather – Although I’m sure it seemed like it was to Heather. Heather conveniently omits the pertinent piece of information that SHE was the one who told the operator to make the bull go fast for Tamra…
Tamra asks Eddie as they walk to their car to go to the Urgent Care to get an x-ray, “What happened? Did someone tell them to go harder?” Eddie responds, “No, not that I know of.” While they’re in the car headed for the hospital, Eddie tells Tamra to tell the doctors that she was just at a hoedown. And, in this week’s installment of, “I Kid You Not” – Tamra, good naturedly laughs and zings back, “And this ho went down!” Priceless… just priceless! The funniest line of the whole episode! Fortunately, there were no broken bones but just a lot of soft tissue damage and the doctor assured Tamra that she will heal up quite well.
Yay! All in all – a good time was had by all! Well, except Tamra. I actually blame Tamra’s honkin’ turquoise necklace for making Tamra unbalanced when she rode the bull. Well, except that riding the bull should have been very familiar to Tamra – I mean she IS full of it most of the time, no? (See… And here you thought I was gonna go in a whole different direction, didn’t you?… But I didn’t… lol)…lolol…
Next week – It looks like both the Dubrows and Shannon’s family are posing for pictures… Tamra finds out that her son is taking HGH and that he procures it in a parking lot – It wasn’t clear to me if it was the studio’s parking lot or not… Vicki is in Oklahoma City looking at houses with Briana… Lizzie’s son throws a tantrum… Heather and Shannon have a friendship summit…
In true hoedown fashion, I sing, “Happy Trails To You – Until We Meet Again!”