Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Guess Who’s Coming to the White Party” – S5E1
It’s time to watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, darling… Shi Shi Shi Shi Shi! (As our own VV™ would say it!) Let’s make a deal… Anytime throughout this entire season that you feel like yelling “STFU” at the TV at someone – Just go ahead and take a drink! That will make this show much more palatable and entertaining! Lol… Heck, if I do it… Who KNOWS what will come out of my mouth…lol.
As I consider watching this season, I can’t help but compare it to one of my other favorite shows, “Survivor.” It just seems like it’s turned into one gigantic game to see who can, “Outwit… Outlast… Outplay.” I mean, seriously, at the end of last season, I would have much rather had dinner in a den of vipers than among these venomous housewife snakes. This season, it will be interesting to see if the alliances previously formed will remain intact or if they’ve voted someone off the island. These guys regularly lie, scheme, and throw each other under the bus just for sport while smiling thru plastic facades of over-Botoxed lips. But you can be sure there will be huge blindsides and from the previews, there will be a slap heard around the world when Brandi seems to actually physically slap Queen Lisa V. I’m confident Brandi will now experience what it’s REALLY like to be slapped with a with a big, fat, hairy lawsuit of her very own for assault and battery unlike the fake lawsuit from 2 seasons ago. Let the snarking begin!
This season’s opening credit taglines are as follows:
Lisa V – “Throw me to the wolves… And I shall return leading the pack.” [I’m shocked to see you back this season – I guess free publicity for your restaurants and bars trump any personal dignity you may have once had.]
Yolanda – “Character isn’t what you have… It’s who you are.” [We see YoYo riding horses this season… but really, hasn’t she ALWAYS ridden her high horse while looking pretentiously down at everyone else?]
Lisa R – “You’ve heard a lot about me… But it’s only true when it comes from my lips.” [HUGE points for newbie Lisa for poking fun at her own lips… I have a feeling I’m gonna love her… and her husband… and her lips… Wait, did I mention loving her husband?]
Eileen – “I’m not a bitch… But I played one on TV.” [Newbie Eileen also gets points for poking fun at herself and her bitchy TV role as Ashley Abbot on the “The Young and the Restless. The jury is out on this new housewife, though… We don’t see her in this entire episode.]
Kim – “I’ve been rich and I’ve been famous… But happiness beats them both.” [Zen philosopher Kim was inexplicably asked back this season because she was oh, so involved throughout last season – But I guess she has to pay those plastic surgery bills somehow. Oh, maybe it’s for the bills resulting from her dog, Kingsley’s random bites. Someone may deserve to be put down for cruelty – and it’s certainly not Kinglsey.]
Brandi – “I’d rather spend my life kicking ass… Than kissing it.” [Brandi pretends she’s such a badass… But REAL badasses don’t throw a childish tantrum and whine and cry the minute their friends get busy and don’t have time to call… Boo freakin’ hoooo…]
Kyle – “Planes and yachts are nice… But my happiness starts at home.” [Since I’m convinced Kyle’s number one reason to be on this show is to pimp her husband’s real estate business – it only makes sense for her to include a subliminal ‘home’ reference in her tagline. I wonder if Mauricio’s happiness starts at home… Rumors abound…]
It’s time for Kyle’s annual “White Party” where everyone who attends wears white and everything about the party is white. Personally, I think it’s color discrimination myself… but whatever… Kyle bellyaches that her budget has quadrupled for this party because each year she keeps trying to outdo herself. I’m sorry, but I just can’t conjure up any compassion for her or her budget for an event in which she has full and complete control. Psssssst Kyle… Here’s a novel idea… How about not inviting so many people… duh!
As the event planner outlines what goodies he has in store for the evening’s festivities, surprisingly Kyle puts her foot down about having a snake charmer… Arguably, it’s probably because she’s already invited too many snakes to the party. Kyle, aka “Captain Delusional” actually refers to her white party as, “’Beverly Hills’ ‘Event of the Year party’ that everyone wants to come to.” Ack.. gag…ugh… Later, she refers to her party as, “One of THE parties of the year in LA that everybody’s trying to get on the list to.” Wow… just wow. I have no doubt it’s a really fun party… but really… Come the heck on…
Oh wow, now it’s Brandi’s turn to bellyache to YoYo about her finances. Brandi purports to have spent $40,000 in 2 months just to move, to store her stuff, and to move again. Keep in mind Brandi doesn’t own much… I don’t know who is helping her move or store her stuff but she is getting fleeced! One would think Brandi would have learned that she shouldn’t screw with her landlords, right? She keeps having landlord issue after landlord issue. Hey Brandi… What’s the common denominator here? It probably doesn’t help when the landlord can see footage of you blatantly allowing your dogs to openly pee all over their nice, new, wooden floors. On a positive note, those of you who love Brandi’s books, you’ll be happy to know that she has a 3rd book deal… Color me surprised that Brandi has even actually read 3 books.
Oh goodie, Lisa and Kyle have a “Friendship Summit” to repair their wounds from last season. Each of them feels that they were wronged by the other… and each of them feels the other is wrong. Kyle reached out to Lisa for this Bravo-sponsored summit. Kyle admits to missing Lisa but Lisa can’t seem to admit that she missed Kyle. They kiss and makeup because there is filming to do and a white party to attend.
We are then introduced to Lisa Rinna and her lips. But WAY more importantly we’re also introduced to her husband, Harry Hamlin, who is currently wrapping up his acting stint on the series, “Mad Men.” And, as if the women of the world weren’t already swooning enough over the handsome and exceedingly yummy Harry, the scene with him at home features him wearing casual blue jeans and a black t-shirt while playing a guitar. Yes, he was playing a freakin’ guitar! Oh, and if THAT wasn’t enough, he seems to know more about putting flowers into a vase than Lisa. Excuse me while I wipe the drool from my mouth… lol.
So then we get to see Brandi in her temporary condo with her hair extensions laying out all over the dining room table (Yikes… it just creeps me out for some reason). She explains that it doesn’t matter where you live as long as love is there. While I agree with that in theory… it’s just hard to take it seriously because it’s coming from Brandi. I may just have to admit I have a bias against her at this point.. lol.
In this week’s installment of, “I Kid You Not” Brandi is talking about how it’s okay she and her kids are temporarily living in a small place because… (wait for it… wait for it…)… Her kids sleep with her anyway. Her sons are 11 and 7-years old. What the HECK are they doing STILL sleeping in her bed at that age???? That’s just wonky to me. I’m sorry… but it is. Wonky. She explained in a previous season that they have their own bedrooms, but that they prefer to sleep with her. And it’s not just once in a while… but they ALWAYS sleep with her. That’s just messed up. I know you guys might disagree with me, but c’mon. Ugh, this stuff drives me crazy.
So now it’s the night of the white party. Everything looks fabulous. There are fire-eaters/dancers but no snake charmers. Speaking of snakes, Camille Grammar, Taylor Armstrong, and Adrienne Maloof all show up and it feels like it’s the end of the season reunion party. To me, they all look stunning. But poor widdle Brandi feels like she’s on the outs with everyone because well, she IS on the outs with everyone. Brandi’s blatant, boundaryless, shock-value comments that she has made in the past about everyone have finally caught up with her. Most of the women don’t want anything to do with her and so Brandi runs away and hides in the bathroom with her boy toys. Brandi has made her bed and now she has to lie in it. I know it sucks to feel shunned… but really, how can she expect much better treatment when she’s done so much to so many?
Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin show up but they explain they can only stay for a short while because Harry has a wrap party with “Mad Men.” I believe they work this into every single conversation they have during the course of the evening. Kyle passes out drool cloths to all of the women once Harry arrives (Well, not really, but she should have…lol). Kim Richards finally shows up late and all is well in the world.
Quotable Quotes (From this episode and from previews for the rest of the season):
Brandi calls Kim “nutball crazy” and isn’t THAT the walnut calling the pecan black…
“Where’s Kim” Everyone said it at some time during the episode. Kim was late again to her own sister’s party. However, I find it to be strangely comforting to know that some things never change…
“It is a trip and a half raising teenaged daughters. Sometimes I feel like I’m on an acid trip – Although I’ve never taken acid. I imagine this is what an acid trip would feel like.” Lisa Rinna
“I don’t have any anger towards Brandi – I kind of feel sorry for her because I know I’m a f***ing good friend and I’m there when you need me.” Lisa Vanderpump
“Everyone is enabling an addict.” Lisa Rinna
“She sleeps around and tries to steal men.” Brandi says of newbie Eileen. Nice to know Brandi is making friends everywhere she goes…lol.
“I will do anything to make a buck. I don’t say, “No” very much – I say, “Yes.” Lisa Rinna… This may just explain why she’s so danged popular…lol.
“Don’t you ever take responsibility for any of your actions?” Kyle happened to be saying this to her sister Kim at the time – but she has also said it to Lisa in a previous season… and it really could be said of almost everyone on this cast…
That’s it for this episode… This season promises to bring plenty of drama and wine throwing…lol. From the previews we know that: Glasses are tossed… Friendships are lost… And a slap that will cost… Join us every week as we snark together at these gooberheads…. Thanks for reading! Happy Trails!
“Grand Opening and Closure” – by HydrangeaHussy
Last week Lisa finally suspended Kristen and Tom, and fired James! I’m sure, since James is Kristen’s new BF, we’ll still have to see him. Tom respects his punishment and thinks that he deserved it. James thinks that it’s BS that he got fired because Tom started the fight. Kristen advises him to have a private conversation with Lisa after the opening.
Stassi’s dad is in LA and they met for drinks. He’s going to come see her apartment and she complains about how hard moving is. She is happy to be back in LA, where it’s a little more laid back. She doesn’t feel like she needs to always be “doing something.” She felt more centered in NY because she didn’t have to deal with Scheana. Her dad asks why she has to deal with Scheana when she isn’t working at Sur anymore. Good question. Stassi says that Scheana is constantly talking badly about her on Twitter. Stassi is no talking to Jax anymore and her dad is really happy about it. Speaking of Jax, he’s still seeing a therapist. He explains the situation with the two girls. He must not have seen this therapist since filming season 2 if she hasn’t heard about this yet. She asks what happens to him when he behaves like this – she thinks he might be having out of body experiences or something. She tells him that he’s co-dependent and maybe that’s why he keeps getting girls’ names tattooed on him. Jax just says whatever he thinks people want to hear. I don’t think he means any of it.
Kristen and James are having a date. Ugh, didn’t he get fired? Why is he still on my TV? Kristen thinks that James got fired because Lisa has it out for her. I’m sure it had nothing to do with his obnoxious behavior. James is freaking out because he bought a BMW and now can’t pay for it. Kristen is still helping Tom pay bills. She doesn’t understand why she is still getting his bills and why he can’t take care of things. James says that she needs to just cut him out of her life completely. I agree.
Tom and Other Tom are walking on treadmills and talking about how happy they are that James got fired. He doesn’t feel bad for calling Kristen out for drinking at work. Tom is trying to use his time off wisely and get Kristen out of his life. Other Tom is really happy that Tom is so happy with Adriana. He thinks that Kristen and Tom could have drug their breakup out for years, but is glad that it’s over now.
This week is the grand opening of Pump. Lisa is ecstatic to be finally opening the doors. She says that it has been the most difficult opening. She looks gorgeous in her purple gown. I want her body when I’m her age. Stassi is going to the opening, but stops by Sur first. As much as she talks trash about everyone there and Lisa, why is she sitting at the bar? If you want to avoid people, don’t go to where they work! Katie and Kristina tell Stassi about the meeting. They wonder why Kristen didn’t get fired. Me too! James walks into Sur. Katie and Peter wonder why he’s there. Way to cause a scene on Lisa’s big night at Pump. Peter walks over to Pump to ask Ken why James is at Sur, working. Ken tells Peter that James is fired and shouldn’t be there. Ken says to make him leave, and Peter goes to handle it. I guess, with the revolving staff, you have to make sure that someone is really fired.
Pump looks amazing! Other Tom is bartending and Scheana is helping in the kitchen. She immediately orders a drink from the bar. Wasn’t she there when Kristen got suspended for that? Lots of the housewives are there. I wonder if this got filmed for that show. Lisa is exhausted from keeping track of all of the staff, drinks, food, etc at the opening. Stassi arrives and greets the former Sur staff. She’s wants to be supportive of Lisa, even if they don’t always agree. She runs into Scheana, who says that they haven’t spoken in awhile. Uh oh, is Stassi going to cause a scene? Stassi tells Scheana that they haven’t spoken because Scheana always plays the victim. Scheana says that she asked Stassi to be in her wedding and Stassi just made fun of her. Stassi says that Scheana can’t pretend to be a friend, then go on Twitter and say nasty things. Scheana re-tweeted mean things because Stassi stopped being her friend. Scheana walks away from the argument. Good girl!
Back at Sur, things are very slow. Kristina tells Jax that Stassi came by. He’s shocked that she didn’t say hi to her. He just wants to make sure that she’s ok. Kristina tells she doesn’t blame Stassi for avoiding him. Jax doesn’t understand why Stassi is still upset with him. Sure, he slept with her best friend, but it’s not the end of the world. Jax seems to think that, because he used to be close to Stassi and her family, he still is. Kristina tells him that Stassi and her family are fine, and that Stassi has completely moved on. He still doesn’t get it. I really hope this is acting and he isn’t really this stupid.
Peter calls James outside. He tells James that Lisa fired him and asks why he’s still there. James says that he cares about his job, so he came in to work. Peter tells him to leave right now. James goes to clock out, saying that he got fired. Yeah, you got fired yesterday and shouldn’t be there at all. He confronts Peter again, telling him that Peter only has a problem with him because he’s dating Kristen. James works his butt off and Peter is giving him a hard time. That’s not really what happened – Lisa (the boss) fired you and you came into work anyway! Why would you do that!?! Do you really think that arguing with Peter is going to help? James tells Peter that everyone else steals drinks on the job but he never did. That isn’t what he got fired for, though. He got fired for the drama and the fight, which Peter points out. James finally gets in his BMW and leaves.
Stassi orders a Pumptini from Other Tom, who doesn’t know how to make it. He’s out of his element because he isn’t used to working. He doesn’t know if he’s cut out for working. What a spoiled brat. They talk about Scheana and the tweeting. They need to stay away from each other, but won’t. Overall, the night at Pump goes well. Lisa and Ken are happy to be open, and to be embraced by the community.
There’s a scene of Kristen “working out” with her “trainer.” They take shots of whiskey first and talk trash about Sur. Ariana and Tom go to the batting cage. I don’t think he hit a single ball. Kristen is going to come by and take care of the bills. Tom says that they already took over the cable bill, which is now attached to his account but in her name. Ariana thinks that was stupid. I don’t know why Kristen seems to torture Tom so much – she cheated too! Stassi has a new apartment. I wonder how she’s affording all of this when she isn’t actually working. Oh, her boyfriend is paying for it. At this point, I’m just waiting for this episode to be over.
Lisa checks in with Peter at Sur. It’s taking time to get the hang of things at Pump. James arrives to talk to Lisa. She isn’t happy about being ambushed at work. James doesn’t want Peter to sit in on their conversation. He’s written a letter to Lisa and doesn’t want Peter to read it. She agrees to give him two minutes. James seems to think he’s better than Tom because he wrote a letter and is British. I don’t think that’s going to get him very far with Lisa. Lisa begins by telling him that he only got the job as a favor to his mother. He isn’t actually a family friend, even though he tells people that. Lisa has met his mother once. She tells him that his behavior has been progressively worse and that she’s had enough. James reads his apology letter, which is completely at odds with what he’s been saying behind Lisa’s back. He wants to be back for a trial period. Lisa says that he doesn’t seem as arrogant as he usually is. She tells him that he could get a job anywhere. But James has relationships at Sur. Not the right thing to say since Lisa thinks his relationship with Kristen is part of his problem. Lisa says that the letter means that he took time to think about his actions. She agrees consider re-hiring him.
Kristen arrives at Tom’s, but doesn’t want to talk in front of Ariana. She is over Tom, but still needs closure. He gives her all of the insurance information. She wants to return the equipment and have Tom get his own. He has things DVR’d, but agrees to give up the box. Kristen says that it is a nightmare to see Ariana taking her place with Tom. I don’t think she’s over Tom. Tom actually seems to have moved on, but Kristen can’t let go. She keeps playing the victim, asking Tom to stop being hateful. She won’t take responsibility for the fact that she starts the drama. Kristen takes her stuff and leaves.