Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Who Stalked J.R.?” – S5E2
It’s time for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Darling! Shi Shi Shi Shi Shi! (As our own VV™ would say…lol) Remember this season we’re playing the drinking game wherein anytime that you feel like yelling “STFU” during the episode – Just go ahead and take a drink!
Awww, now isn’t that the sweetest thing? Kim is visiting Brandi’s new empty house on moving day.I think it’s because Kim knew there were going to be some young, hot movers involved. My, my, my… Look at all those beautiful wooden floors… At least the landlord now has “before” pictures so when Brandi allows her dog(s) to destroy them by peeing all over them they have photographic evidence. (Remember last season we had footage of seeing the dogs actually doing it… Who does that?) Inexplicably, Brandi seems to think that living in 5 different houses in 5 years makes her a wandering gypsy. Sorry Brandi, it just shows you’re a really bad tenant who habitually uses social media to badmouth your landlords and the real estate people involved in getting your lease(s) in the first place. She tells us that she has “3 giant trucks of stuff” making their delivery. Whoa, that’s a lot of stuff for just one cougar and her two cubs, I mean sons. The moving guys are young, hot, and innocent gazelles and the cougars wantonly salivate while watching the young guys sweat as they work. There was an actual competition for which moving guy has the best abs – although I suspect they agreed to it only because they were going to be on national TV. The gazelles have no chance against these cougars.
Lisa and Ken talk about the decision to return to the show this year. It seems like we were correct in thinking that after last season, that Lisa didn’t want to see these women ever again. I’m sure Ken was so done with the cast that he actually wanted to put a fork through a couple of them. We learn that one of the perks of being rich is having a clothes designer come to your house with material swatches so that she can custom design your clothes for the season. We see blouse after blouse bedazzled with Lisa’s name on the cuffs. Perhaps the rhinestone sparkles also serve to keep freeloaders from stealing her clothes unless they’re named, “Lisa.” I’m trying to remember the last time I wore anything with “Stars99” on it other than a hat or perhaps a piece of jewelry. Yeah, I think I was like 10…lol. Lisa tells us that she’s been working like a dog recently… But not like one of her rich bitch overly pampered dogs but like, you know, one of those “other” dogs from the other side of Rodeo Drive.
Lisa tells a cute story about her employee, Magdalena, who has worked for her alongside Rocio for the last year. Evidently, Lisa was driving up the hill on her way home and saw Magdalena walking up the steep grade. Lisa kindly offered her a ride and found out that Magdalena was on her way to a job interview. Lisa told her that if she didn’t get that job that she should give her a call. She didn’t get the job and has been working for Lisa ever since.
Kyle’s family is on their way to Lake Tahoe and they’ve chartered a small plane to take them there. Evidently, Mauricio doesn’t like to go to airports with all of their kids. Really? With the exception of Portia, all of your kids are MORE than old enough to be able to handle airports. Let’s be honest… You don’t like airports and you have the money and so you splurge… There’s nothing wrong with that! Just don’t blame it on your kids, though…Puhleeze. I find it mildly amusing Kyle has to go on these smaller planes, though – because she’s so deathly afraid of flying. She seems to be handling it much better than she used to.
We also find out that Kyle is trying hard to make sure Portia doesn’t turn into a spoiled, rich, snooty little brat. They have way more money now, than they had when their other kids were Portia’s age. We are then treated to snippets of Portia acting exactly like a little brat – but probably no more so than others her same age. I gotta hand it to Kyle because she genuinely wants Portia to appreciate every single thing they have.
Lisa R is having lunch with her new 25 year old agent who really hustles so he can secure auditions for Lisa. Lisa looks at the menu and decides on the “Frank Stallone Salad.” She loves him and announces she will eat anything named “Frank Stallone.” Lisa’s agent explains they’re casting a series based on the “Scream” movies. The character that pops out to Lisa is the one described as, “youthful and relatable – with highlights.” Lisa believes she’s perfect for the part! Over her career, Lisa tells us that she has had to reinvent her and her lips over and over again. Her agent tells her that it’s all about her branding and endorsements. We see Lisa’s commercial for “Depends” and Lisa laughed all the way to the bank on that one. She earned more for that commercial than she ever earned for anything else in her entire career.
In this week’s edition of “I Kid You Not,” – With a completely straight face, Lisa R. tells us that, “I will do ANYTHING to make a buck… I don’t say ‘no’ very much, I say ‘yes.’” I just can’t help but laff at this…lol! I love Lisa R.!
In a gratuitous plug for some hoity-toity Beverly Hills jeweler, Lisa goes jewelry shopping with Shiva, Mohammad’s fiancé (YoYo’s Ex-husband). Lisa and Shiva share a similar sense of humor and Lisa doesn’t feel like she has to watch every single word coming from her mouth like a hawk in fear that it will be picked apart and criticized. Let’s put this whole jewelry shopping experience into perspective – When Lisa goes jewelry shopping, she’s looking at $64,000 rings and $72,000 pendants. I wonder what it’s like to wear a house as a pinky ring or around your neck. The jewelry is for both Lisa’s birthday and her wedding anniversary, so I guess that’s supposed to explain the price tag. Lisa playfully wonders if the jewelry store will accept personal favors as payment – The owner says he doesn’t know if they can accept favors, but they do accept, Visa, MasterCard and icky cash. In one breath, Lisa says that she feels like “life should be simple” and in the next breath she is considering selling her husband for the amazing pink sapphire she fondles longingly. Thus is the Zen of Lisa.
YoYo greets hubster David Foster who arrived home for their weekly date night and she was wearing nothing more than black lingerie and a smile. She seems to be finally feeling better after battling Lyme Disease for these months. The two of them eat YoYo’s lovingly cooked meal on a breathtaking patio overlooking the ocean. David shares with us how one year for Valentine’s Day, YoYo arranged to meet him at a hotel. They were sitting at a bar in a dark corner… And suddenly YoYo unbuttons the overcoat she’s wearing to reveal only to him that she was clad in nothing but red lingerie. As he is clearing the dishes (Yes, I was shocked, too that the “King” can be a bus boy), he declares that YoYo is going to be dessert. We also learn David is on his way to Shanghai to be a mentor on their version of “The Voice.”
Brandi visits Kim at her house and reveals that she went out with Jake from State Farm – No actually, it was Jake, her 23 year-old hunk of a mover. Brandi also reveals that she is still seeing J.R. but that they’re not sleeping together because that would be “cheating”– However, to clarify, they HAVE slept in the same bed but they haven’t you know… Remember, J.R. has been Brandi’s on again – off again kind of boyfriend. He found a girlfriend while on a trip and she has now moved here. Kim thinks that if Brandi sees him with his new girlfriend that it will help her to release him altogether. So they decide to put on disguises so they can stalk him and his girlfriend at a local bar where they think he will show up.
On a side note…There is something really wonky going on with Brandi’s face… I can’t quite put my finger on it – Nor could I put anything else on it without fearing it would bounce right off of her rubber looking exterior.
Brandi boasts that she and Kim are “doers” and that the others just want to hang around and polish their diamonds and gold. They get to the bar and decide first to hide in some bushes while wearing their disguises. You heard me right – They’re actually squatting in some ivy. Once they figure out they’re probably not the only rodents in the ivy, they reposition themselves to a place with a better view. J.R. does in fact, show up – but he isn’t with his girlfriend or anyone else. So they successfully stalked J.R. and found out that he was doing absolutely nothing with nobody. Way to go! On a side note, is anyone watching, “Stalker?” I have watched it from the 1st episode… It’s so creepy and I have to watch it during the day cuz I’m a wimp and because I’ve been stalked… but it’s so good…http://www.cbs.com/shows/stalker/
Oh goodie… Next we have a “Frenemy Summit” featuring Brandi and Adrienne. While on her way to the summit, Brandi calls Kyle for moral support. It’s interesting she didn’t call YoYo, no? Well, Kyle knows the situation better, I suppose… but Kyle is at beautiful Lake Tahoe. Brandi senselessly chants to herself, “Think before you speak… Think before you speak… Think before you speak…” At least she’s not trying to “think AND speak” at the same time because she can’t possibly do those two things at once. She explains to Kyle that she just wants to clear the air with Adrienne after last season’s cataclysmic divulging of spectacularly private information about the surrogacy of Adrienne’s children – a fact largely unknown to even members of Adrienne’s family AND her children. Brandi doesn’t want to “braid Adrienne’s hair on the weekends” (nice to know) but she wants to be able to be okay when she sees her in social situations.
Brandi said that she was sorry for everything and that she regretted what she said. She divulged that she didn’t intend on hurting Adrienne’s family. And then, because she can’t help but blame Lisa V. for her own mistakes, she explains that Lisa was her bestie at the time and that because Lisa had issues with Adrienne, evidently she felt like she could divulge huge family secrets about Adrienne on national TV (without any repercussions). Brandi says she hopes that Adrienne doesn’t hate her. Adrienne tells Brandi she doesn’t hate her. I’m sure Adrienne would still like to kill her just a lil. Adrienne tells us she welcomes Brandi’s apology because it’s heartfelt but WE know it’s because it’s in front of TV cameras and she probably wants back on the show in some capacity.
Other Things we learned from this episode:
- Lisa R. will eat anything named “Frank Stallone”… So step right up, all the Frank Stallones of the world… Unite!
- Even modelesque women like YoYo sometimes have problems zipping up their pants.
- Dutch horses don’t fart.
- Lisa V’s sage advice to women was NOT to wait to “put out” on their birthday or anniversary – but instead they should do it weeks BEFOREHAND… Cuz you know… You’ll get a better gift.
- There are ghosts in Lisa R.’s house… Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!
- Kim can actually ride horses – And I don’t mean that mamby pamby Disney kind of riding…
Next time we get to meet the newbie…Fireworks ensue… Should be fun!
Thanks for reading… See you next time!
“Jax ‘Nose’ Best” – by HydrangeaHussy
The guys, Jax, Tom, and Other Tom, are getting their eyebrows threaded. They stop on the street to pour beers into glasses. Jax has breathing issues, so he has to have surgery. Ala Alexis Bellino, he’s going to get a nose job while he’s under. They also pass out t-shirts with Jax’s old nose on them. It’s like a big frat party with these guys. Isn’t Jax 35 years old? The boys are embracing their metro-sexuality. Whatever. I don’t want a guy who spends more time on his appearance than me. I’m tempted to fast-forward through this.
Stassi is at Sur. She wants some food, but doesn’t want to pay full price for them. Ariana helps her out. She and Tom are doing very well. Stassi is very happy for them. Apparently these two will now be friends because they have a mutual enemy – Kristen. Ariana describes Kristen’s visit – Kristen was very dressed up and cried for 45 minutes. Stassi thinks that Kristen wants to weasel her way back into the Sur group. Stassi doesn’t understand why Ariana is ok with her BFF (Scheana) being friends with Kristen. If Stassi wants me to believe that she’s over Sur, she needs to stay out of the drama and quit stirring stuff up. She thinks that she used to run Sur with an iron fist. Lol.
Pump is open for business and doing well. Lisa is relieved to have the restaurant busy. Other Tom had a panic attack at work and walked out on his shift, so the Pump manager is bartending. He told Other Tom that he shouldn’t come back. Lisa is really disappointed in him and thinks that Katie needs to be careful. He doesn’t seem like a very reliable guy to me. Katie arrives home to find Other Tom there. She was worried because she has never seen him that upset or frantic. Other Tom explains that he got overwhelmed by the rush of people and his lack of training. Katie thinks that three bartenders should have been able to handle it. Other Tom didn’t think that he’d really have to work at this job, he thought he could coast through it on his charm and looks. Katie is embarrassed by his behavior and lets him have it. I would be embarrassed too! I’m surprised to see her standing up for herself. Good for Katie!
It’s surgery day for Jax. Other Tom takes him. I think I would have chosen a different friend after the panic attack. The doctor comes in and advises Jax to avoid physical activity after surgery. I don’t see Jax following the instructions. He’s nervous because his face and body are his best assets, but he comes through ok. Jax is not the best patient. Other Tom has his hands full. Jax’s main concern is getting the drugs to knock himself out, which may not be a bad idea. Other Tom has bigger issues – like being fired from Pump. Peter arrives with Lisa to check on Jax. I think it’s sweet that she checked on him. Other Tom didn’t want to see Lisa right now, but is going to take the little digs. When he attempts to talk to her, she advises him to keep his mouth shut for now. Lisa doesn’t understand young American men – “one’s got a nose job purely for vanity, one ran away from his job like a scared little bunny, and then they’ve both got eyebrows like Greta Garbo.” Hehe! Tom and Scheana visit Jax and bring doughnuts. Jax still doesn’t have his pain meds, so the Toms go to pick it up.
Katie and Stassi are having drinks. They discuss Other Tom’s job performance. Katie is jealous of Stassi’s boyfriend, who has his life together. Stassi is no longer stressed because her boyfriend is an adult. There’s an OK Magazine party coming up. Everyone is going, except for Jax. Stassi wants to avoid the group and doesn’t care why Jax won’t be there. Katie tells her about the nose job and Stassi loses it. At least she admits that she’s being a hypocrite – criticizing Jax for plastic surgery when she’s had a chin job.
Kristen and James go to the gym. It’s like she’s trying to make us believe that she’s completely over Tom and is happy. She’s never happy, so I’m not buying it. James explains that his parents have been friends with Lisa for years, which isn’t exactly what Lisa said. I think he exaggerates to make himself look better. James is expecting to get his job back. I hope Lisa doesn’t hire him back. James and Kristen are going to the OK Magazine party, even though they don’t want to see the awful Sur staff. If they hate these people so much, why don’t they get another job?
Lisa and friends arrive at Sur for dinner. It’s Lisa, Ken, Lance Bass, and Lance’s fiancé. The shift is almost over and the girls are counting their money. James arrives in the back while Peter is outside. Peter tells him that Lisa is there, but not available. Peter agrees to tell Lisa that James is there to talk to her. He’s worried about his job because he needs the money to pay his bills. Peter tells Lisa that James is back. She agrees to give him one shift per week because they need busboys right now. Peter gives the news to James, advising him that he will be under scrutiny. Katie is worried because Other Tom hasn’t tried to get his job back. I agree, Tom doesn’t seem to worry about anything.
Other Tom finally approaches Lisa. She agrees to speak with him. He begins by saying that he has respect for Ken and Lisa, but Lisa shuts him down. She doesn’t think he respects her or Katie and hopes that Katie is making him pay for his irresponsibility. Other Tom doesn’t even try to plead his case, just returns his shirts. Lisa respects hard work, but doesn’t think that Other Tom is a hard worker. I think that she would have given him a chance if he had made any effort to get his job back.
Jax is still in pain, but doing better. He’s drinking, even though the doctor told him not to drink alcohol for a week. Tom, Ariana, Other Tom, Scheana, and Shay are going to the OK Magazine party. Jax is disappointed that Katie hasn’t checked on him. He thinks that she’s back on Stassi’s leash. Other Tom defends her. Scheana finds it odd that Katie never hangs out with all of them.
Scheana, Shay, Ariana, and Tom are at one table. Stassi, Katie, Other Tom, Peter, and company are at another table. Scheana notes that the other group didn’t even say hello as they walked past. I’m sure Stassi wouldn’t let them. She seems to love keeping the drama going. Scheana is looking for drama too, as she’s asked James and Kristen to join them. Really? Why would you do that? It does appear that the Scheana table is having more fun than the Stassi table, despite the tension. The Stassi table is focused solely on making fun of the Scheana table.
Stassi loses a bet and, horror of horrors, has to spend five minutes at the Scheana table. If I were Scheana, I would just ask Stassi to leave because nothing good will come of her presence. Scheana is gracious and talking to Stassi, while Katie and Kristina make fun of her. Kristen is confused as to why Stassi is at their table. Kristen is less mature, bringing up Jax. Scheana and Kristen decide to go to Stassi’s table, since Stassi came to theirs. Ugh, can’t they just let it go. Stassi doesn’t understand why Scheana and Kristen are friends. Stassi wants Scheana to take responsibility for being friends with Kristen, but seems ok with Tom being friends with Jax. Stassi gets pissed and leads her following out of the party.