Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Breaking Branches” – S5E7
***WARNING*** The following blog contains some cussin’ and lewd comments that may not be suitable for easily offended ears. I can’t help it – Brandi was a huge part of the show tonight… Read at your own risk… Please note the comments do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the management of this blog, her advertisers, or any pet she may have.
Remember last week…
Lisa R and her daughters went to Oregon to visit her parents… Her dad is an amazing painter – Who knew? Kyle had her non-ghetto sangria barbecue and “That Tramp” (Eileen) was officially introduced to the group along with my boyfriend, her husband, Vince Van Patten… We also found out that it’s possible to hug a cranky swan even if it’s named “Hanky” or “Panky”… Our ever pretentious YoYo finds it to be “a job” to HAVE to vacation on the Amalfi Coast each summer #richbitchproblems (Cry me a river)… And Brandi tries too hard to be relevant by pretending to be edgy and by trying to be a shock jock with her mouth loaded and ready to fire (as we’ll soon see in this episode)… Oh Bravo, can’t we vote her off the island, please? (I even used my nice words…)…
Brandi is putting WAY too much emPHAsis on a housewarming party for the 5th different place in which she’s lived over the last 5 years, right? I mean, I can’t even keep myself from laughing at her talking head interview (TH) when she over-dramatically says, “This housewarming party, for me, marks the rest of my life.” Franky Scarlett, I don’t give a damn. Yes Brandi, because throwing a party for yourself in yet another rental is oh, so groundbreaking. Puhleeze.
And just in case you were wondering if Brandi could be a “Hostess with the Mostest” she opens her mouth and removes all doubt. Brandi’s plan… I mean her actual PLAN for her own party is to get wasted – because in her demented mind – if something goes wrong during the party – If she doesn’t hear it and she doesn’t see it – Then it never happened… Brandi further explains that it’s, “Like black out sex.” Yes, it sounds like you’ve really grown up there, Brandi. Kyle says she is happy for Brandi and that she’s become independent and hopes Lisa V will be open minded and give Brandi a chance. I think Lisa V is very open minded and she would be out of her ever lovin’ mind if she ever gives Brandi another chance. But that’s just me. YoYo is also very proud of Brandi. Whoop-de-freakin’ doo…
The party is starting and everyone seems to be showing up. Brandi’s parents are there, Leeza Gibbons shows up, and even Adrianne Maloof makes an appearance. Gosh Adrianne, I bet you miss all that free publicity for your various ventures, dontcha?…lol Adrianne introduces her very 20-something young boyfriend to everyone. Brandi thinks this is great common ground that she and Adriane share, when she says, “I’ve been known to get dickmatized by young boys, too.” What a nice quote Brandi’s sons’ friends are gonna repeat, no? Brandi is proud that she and Adrienne have worked things out to get to this place where Adriane voluntarily makes an appearance at her party.
But what to my wondering eyes should appear? But Queen Lisa and Ken… Caught in headlights like a deer. Wow… I guess Christmas miracles still do happen.
And because Brandi is the bitch she is (excuse my cussin’)… She tells us that she’s confused at why Lisa showed up to her party because, “When someone tells you more than one time that they’re not coming to your party – You tend to believe them.” Gosh Brandi, are you really conveniently not remembering just a few days ago that you begged and guilted Lisa to come? As Lisa V is meeting Brandi’s dad, Brandi tells Lisa that she didn’t think she was coming. Lisa confirms that she originally wasn’t coming but that she had changed her mind at the last minute. Leeza Gibbons asks what changed Lisa V’s mind about coming… Brandi blurts out that it’s because Lisa V loves her… Lisa immediately corrects Brandi by saying in the royal 3rd person, “No, no, she doesn’t.” I die laughing. It was a pretty awkward moment which I so dearly loved… lol. Lisa explains, “I just thought I’d come by and wish you well, because I do wish you well.” Lisa V is no fool – She purposefully showed up with champagne in hand in order to nip in the bud any further speculation about her relationship with Brandi. Lisa is silly though… She forgets the caliber of people with whom she’s dealing…lol.
Lisa talks to Brandi’s parents who obviously know things between she and Brandi are out of whack. Brandi’s mom explains how Brandi can hurt you in a heartbeat but that she doesn’t mean it. Lisa tells her she blames it on the parents…lol…Brandi’s mom tells Lisa that Brandi loves her… And that Brandi is very sensitive and very temperamental. Brandi leaves the conversation. More talk ensued about Brandi being mouthy. Lisa says she doesn’t want to criticize their daughter because she knows that if anyone would criticize her own daughter to her face that she would probably slap them. Toasts were made. People drank. Party over.
Lisa R. makes an appearance with Kit Hoover on Access Hollywood Live that includes her participating in the ALS Bucket Challenge that was the big thing last summer. Lisa R knows that it’s important to remain relevant – because if you don’t people will forget about you in about 5 seconds. Lisa feels the pressure of her industry to look like a 20-year-old forever. Lisa promises she will attempt to keep looking, “Fresh as a fuckin’ daisy.” Lol.
Lisa is having her Annual Charity Tea Party event at Pump this year. Remember this is an awesome clothing drive for teenaged foster kids. Everyone seems to be invited and they all bring in some really beautiful clothes. Lisa R tells us that she’s always invited to several charity functions and that she tries hard to go to as many as possible. And when it’s a friend’s event – That they can always 100% count on her to show up. Gotta love that! Lisa V was surprised that YoYo had never been to Pump and YoYo took the opportunity to dig into Lisa and tell her that it was only because she wasn’t invited to the grand opening. It’s okay, Lisa – I wouldn’t have invited someone to an important event of mine who has a history of treating me poorly, either. Don’t worry, YoYo, Kim wasn’t invited to Pump’s grand opening, either.
Brandi expresses her appreciation to Lisa for her attendance at Brandi’s housewarming party. Brandi symbolically tries to extend to Lisa V an olive branch (well, a twig – to be more precise). After Lisa takes one look at the very small twig and jokes that it’s going to take a lot bigger branch than the one Brandi was offering. She kidded that Brandi would have to chop down the entire tree for it to be enough. Our little Brandi thinks nothing of reaching up into the 100-year-old olive tree that Lisa had imported specifically for her new restaurant and rips off a larger branch and hands it over to an astonished Lisa. Kyle and Lisa V audibly gasp. Kyle astutely points out in her TH that you can’t just rip off a branch from a beautiful, live tree and give it to Lisa. Kyle wonders how Brandi could ever think that Lisa would be happy about that… Lisa discloses in her TH that she would like to tie Brandi up with that olive branch and leave her tied to the tree… After several awkward moments Lisa finally takes the branch and spanks Brandi on the dupa – Unfortunately, Brandi kind of liked it. Color me surprised.
Lisa R tells the others about her appearance on Access Hollywood Live and that she did the ALS Bucket Challenge. One of YoYo’s best friends in the whole world has ALS and so she spontaneously offers to do the challenge right there and then. Lisa almost too happily complies and quickly brings a bucket of mostly ice and a little water and pours it over YoYo’s head. I’ve got to admit – That was very kewl of YoYo to do that on the spot with no thought of how it would impact her hair, makeup or clothes. Okay, so the finer points of the challenge weren’t actually accomplished – You know the ones wherein you identify who you are challenging to do it… and who challenged you to do it, etc. – But they were certainly were in the spirit of the challenge.
Brandi asks Lisa to go to lunch with her tomorrow. Lisa asks her why would she want to do that? Brandi says that it’s because she loves her deep down. Brandi says, “Please, pretty please?” Lisa is surprised by the “Please” but Brandi promises it will be good…Brandi promises nothing bad will happen. Lisa clearly has her doubts and straight out asks Brandi if she’s going to be mean. … Brandi says, “No, are you?” Lisa looks at her and says, “No.” Lisa looks her straight in the face while Brandi is smirking and says that she’s not sure and can she think about it? Brandi laughs. Lisa asks Brandi not to pull branches off her tree… Brandi explains that she was just trying to extend an olive branch. Lisa explains again that it’s going to take a lot more than that.
Then, in this week’s edition of “I Kid You Not” – Brandi then asks Lisa, “Would you like me to eat your pussy?” Lisa is unsure if she heard her correctly… Brandi says, “Well, what would you like me to do, Your Highness?” Okay, where in the HELL did that come from? Lisa graciously passed on the offer. Evidently, Brandi’s been told that Brandi is good at it. Lisa wonders if that’s what Brandi wants to do at lunch tomorrow. Okay, please raise your hand if you think this was a completely pre-written, fully contrived, and lame attempt at being a shock jock? Brandi was smirking way before she even uttered the comment… I don’t think Lisa was offended by it but she was sure baffled by it. But there will be plenty of other people who WILL be offended by it. I think of Brandi’s young sons… and the teasing they’ll face. Hulk sad.
Lisa walks over to the table where the rest of the cast is sitting and offers to get them anything that they want or need. She then proceeds to tell them about her exchange with Brandi that occurred moments earlier – And you could feel the story crescendo up to the punchline… And when Lisa delivers Brandi’s pussy bomb – Everyone’s eyes immediately pop out of their sockets… Not missing a beat, Kyle notes that Brandi has only offered to do that to Lisa and not to the rest of them – and she’s not sure if she should be offended, happy or what… Lisa R and her lips helpfully supply the “proper word” for this act and so they start discussing another ummm… creative word that rhymes with “stunning-linguist.” YoYo acts like she’s never heard of the word “cunnilingus” before but confirms in a recent tweet that she’s told that she likes it. Really? Did you really need to tweet about that, YoYo? Wow. Deep sigh.
Eileen wonders why they’re talking about these kinds of things so loudly at a restaurant. I’m laughing because on top of everything else it’s a charity event where one would think they would have some class and decorum, no? Oh wait… we ARE talking about a group of women who include Brandi in the mix.
After the event is over, it becomes clear that Lisa actually does need the tables the women are sitting at… You know… because she actually runs a business there… (I’m sure the amount of room that is required to film these episodes is significant – When people are sitting around not paying it impacts everyone from the kitchen staff to the wait staff, etc.) The women decide to go down the street to Il Cielo.
As Eileen, Lisa R and Kyle wait for everyone to arrive, the new girls take advantage of their alone time with Kyle to ask about the obvious friction between Brandi and Lisa V. Kyle starts to make some general statements about stuff when Kim and Brandi come and sit down at the table. Eileen tells them they were just asking Kyle to fill them in on the awkwardness between Brandi and Lisa. Eileen explains that she also sensed it at Kyle’s barbecue.
The truth canon, Brandi, begins to shoot some honkin’ lies about how Brandi’s ex-husband (Eddy Cibrian)’s mistress (Scheana – Vanderpump Rules) is one of Lisa’s best friends. Brandi said that she asked Lisa not to bring Scheana around her anymore after a certain amount of time. Brandi implies that Lisa kept bringing Scheana around anyway. Evidently, according to the truth cannon, THIS is the reason for the friction. Hardee har har har…
Okay, I cannot possibly move forward at this point without clarifying some items. What Brandi conveniently left out was that Scheana is one of Lisa’s DAUGHTER’S best friends and has been her employee for the last six years. What Brandi left out was that she only saw Scheana when Brandi went to an event being catered by Lisa V or when she went to Sur (Scheana’s workplace) – and even then, Lisa went to great lengths to reassign Scheana to another part of the restaurant from where Brandi was sitting so that chance encounters would be kept to a minimum. Bravo, of course, wanted Scheana to serve at every single event possible that Brandi attended to maximize potential dramatic confrontations and even went so far as to require Lisa to assign Scheana to serve at those Bravo-filmed events (We learned that from Lisa’s blogs). Yet, somehow this is still all Lisa’s fault. Let’s also not forget Brandi gets paid for these appearances, too… Not to mention the free meals/drink she receives from Lisa.
More talk ensured about apologies and moving forward… YoYo bellyached again this week about how Lisa V did NOT invite her to her star ceremony in Palm Springs – but that Lisa R attended. It surfaced that Lisa R was the only one invited and that some of them didn’t even know about the event at all. YoYo said that it hurt her feelings. Brandi says that they all have certain issues with Lisa V and that they can all move forward but that it’s hard for Lisa V to move forward.
And now, here is where I just may have to stop calling Eileen “That Tramp” – Because here she comes, riding in on a majestic white horse ready to defend Lisa V’s honor – Since clearly, Lisa V wasn’t present to be able to defend herself. Eileen astutely says, “Well, wasn’t she [Lisa] trying to do that by inviting everyone today?” Brandi says, “I hope so.” Eileen continues, “Because she seemed lovely, and like she was handling everyone nicely… that olive branch was a little odd… but…” It was funny to see the women kind of try to backpedal… and Eileen continued, “I’m trying to put the pieces together.” Good luck with that…lol!
In her TH, Lisa R says that everyone’s feelings are valid because we feel what we feel. However, she is not sure if Lisa V has done certain things or not because she doesn’t know since she didn’t see it herself. Eileen echoes similar sentiments in her TH, too.
“We all love her – but we’ve all moved on from it,” says Brandi. YoYo immediately clarifies, “Love is a big word.” Kyle smirks. Brandi chimes in with, “Love is a 4-letter word – Much like “F***.” Eileen and Lisa R, in unison – and as if on cue, both say, “OhhhhHHHhhhhh” as if they suddenly understand something profound. All I understood was that somehow Brandi had learned to count to 4.
Other Things we learned from this episode…
~~ Brandi was indeed wrong in the $100 bet she had with Eileen about Lisa R’s part she played in a soap opera. Remember Eileen originally said she knew she was right because you know… She was actually THERE filming the soap opera…lol. I wonder if Brandi paid up? She was so sure she was right…lol. Is it wrong that I take perverse joy in this?
~~ I’m jealous of Portia’s “Hello Kitty” toaster. If I drank, I would probably be jealous of the crazy amount of alcohol in Kyle’s fridge – but let’s be honest… She entertains a lot and just had a big party…
~~ Riddle me this… How is not teaching your kids how to do their own laundry doing them any favors whatsoever? Alexia, Kyle’s daughter, is going off to college in less than a year and does not know how to cook anything or how to do her own laundry. Alexia is only one year younger than Kyle was when she gave birth to her firstborn, Farrah. Evidently Mauricio also does next to nothing around the house, too – Not even changing light bulbs. It bugged me when Kyle said that Mauricio’s way to ask Kyle to make him a sandwich was to ask her where the turkey is. I probably would smiles sweetly and say, “He’s sitting on the couch passive aggressively asking me to make him a sandwich, honey.” It’s a little scary that it doesn’t seem to embarrass them, either. Wow. Just wow.
Funniest Moment of the Epsiode…
Once again Ken is my hero when he refuses to look Brandi in her eyes as he and Lisa are leaving Brandi’s party. Brandi tries to berate him into doing so – but he clearly wants no part of Brandi or her antics at all. It does not look likely that she’s going to be able to flirt her way back into Ken’s good graces anytime soon. Ken should get some kind of award for that, no?
Delusional Thought of the Episode…
Brandi delusionally says that Lisa, “Really, really, really wants to be her friend again”… lolol…I mean, seriously.
Quotes of the episode…
“Sometimes I’d rather be eating a donut than working out – But I’ve been known to do both at the same time. I’m not kidding, I actually have…” Eileen says during a TH when she goes to her friend Lynn’s house to learn how to paddle board in the ocean. Eileen explains the demands of her job dictate her keeping in shape. At first she says she’s passionate about working out and that she likes it… but then she questions if what she just said is actually the truth. Dagnabit… I really like “That Tramp”… errr… Eileen…lol
“I like my lips – If you don’t think of lips when you think of Lisa Rinna – There’s something wrong, right?” Lisa R talking tongue-in-cheek about her lips. Gotta love her!
“Getting older really hasn’t affected my career that much… I still play crazy.” – Lisa R
“Lisa Vanderpump has great style – She’s very Beverly Hills with… a twist.” – Eileen, That Tramp
This is from Conan O’Brien’s opening monologue on his show tonight… “Scientists made an incredible discovery… Scientists say they have found evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. True… Apparently, the evidence is any episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey.” (Completely dies laffin…)…
YoYo does some silly looking hip thrusts in front of some people relaxing in front of an open fire pit on a patio… declaring that, “I’m back baby”…. Kyle tearfully tells Alexia that she wants her to be happy and that if she’s not she can come home (I’m guessing she’s talking about when she goes off to college)… At their requisite friendship summit, Lisa asks Brandi what she actually wants… Brandi wants to have fun with Lisa again… Lisa tells her she’ll have to apologize and Brandi once again requires an apology from Lisa… There also looks to be a dinner at a restaurant and Eileen is telling people who are there about her relationship history which including meeting our beloved Vince while he was still married. Brandi decides to throw a drink on Eileen. Gosh Brandi, desperate housewives got cancelled a few years ago.
Well, that’s it for this episode… Thanks for reading… Happy New Year’s! Please be safe and make sure all those around you are safe, too… See you next year! Happy Trails!
Happy Birthday MelTheHound and MKValle