Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Wining and Dining” – S5E8
***WARNING*** Brandi makes me cuss. Again this week, since this episode was Brandi-centric there is a lot of vulgarity and cussing. Even people around Brandi have resorted to cussing because it’s just almost impossible not to when you’re referring to Brandi. Read at your own risk – You have been warned.
Remember last week…
There was lots of cussin’… Oh yeah, that’s because Brandi was a huge part of the episode…lol. Okay, first Brandi had a house warming party (for her 5th rental in 5 years) and Lisa and Ken actually showed up – I was shocked. Lisa showed up because she wanted to silence her critics and to hear crap first hand, I guess. Brandi rips a branch off of Lisa V’s expensive imported, 100-year-old olive trees and extends it as one would with an olive branch. Lisa wasn’t amused. YoYo learned a new word that rhymes with “stunning linguist” when Brandi vulgarly offers to eat at Lisa’s “pussy.” It was such a charming episode. I make no promises about anything this week… Quite frankly, I’ll be doing well if I can get through the episode without throwing something at the TV.
The episode begins with Lisa V and Ken talking about Lisa’s upcoming “Friendship Summit” she has scheduled with Brandi. Lisa wants to hear what Brandi has to say once and for all. Lisa invites Ken to the summit – No way in this lifetime that he’s going.
Captain Delusional (Brandi) says, “I’m owed an apology from Lisa – But do I think I’m getting it 100%? Probably not…Lisa’s a very stubborn individual.” They both arrive at the Friendship Summit and Lisa tells Brandi she’s all ears. Brandi wants to wait for wine before getting into a heavy conversation… because you know Brandi functions so well with alcohol. Lisa tells Brandi that if she believes all the things that she said about her last season – then why on earth would Brandi want Lisa back in her life? Lisa doesn’t understand what Brandi wants from Lisa. Lisa says Brandi has to be accountable for she says and does. Lisa brings up how Ken always defended Brandi to almost the extreme and for Brandi to turn on him is unconscionable.
Brandi tells Lisa that she wants to have fun with her again. Lisa demands that Brandi apologize. Brandi asks if Lisa is going to apologize to her. Lisa is baffled at why she needs to apologize. Lisa asks, “What do you want me to apologize for?” Brandi tells her it’s the Scheana stuff. Lisa says, “I apologize for not giving you a heads up that Scheana was there.” Brandi, in turn, says, “And I apologize for repeating things that I heard that were gossip. I was an ass to you – and you were an ass to me.” Lisa says that she can’t be the friend that Brandi wants – but that she can be friendly. They’re going to take it slowly – and baby steps are okay with Brandi. Lisa insists Brandi buy her lunch – and decides that she may get something to go as well. Brandi says that she did that – then Lisa would be taking advantage of Brandi. Really Brandi? Can we please compare how many times Lisa has bought you lunch or dinner and compare it to the times you’ve bought her a paperclip? Seriously…
Lisa R, YoYo, Eileen, and Brandi get together for dinner at a very nice restaurant. They make small talk about YoYo’s dinner party she’s having the following evening and they also talk about Brandi and Lisa V’s friendship summit being a positive first step in rebuilding their friendship. [Insert gratuitous eye roll here.]
Somehow they talk about how Brandi’s dad is 65 and Lisa says that her husband, Harry, is 62. Evidently, Harry and Lisa R are totally opposite. Out of the blue, Brandi asks “That Tramp” (Eileen) if “My Boyfriend” (Vince) was married when they first met. Eileen confirms that they both were married. They met because they worked together on a soap opera. Eileen explains how they were friends and that neither of them were looking to get out of their marriages. Everything was fine… but then at one point they both realized they weren’t happy in their marriages because of how they felt about each other. Brandi is clearly not okay with any of this because both her ex-boyfriend J.R. and ex-husband Eddie cheated on her.
Brandi thinks, quite appropriately, that if people are unhappy in a relationship that they should first breakup and then get together with someone else. No arguments from me. Eileen said she and my boyfriend met in 2000 and they were together by 2001. She hastens to add that it was one of the most horrific experiences in their lives. Brandi (The Twit) tries to trip Eileen up by asking how her ex-husband dealt with the situation. Eileen carefully explained that her ex-husband was okay because she was upfront about her feelings. Eileen says that’s why she has so much empathy for Brandi – because they never intended to hurt anyone.
In her talking head, Eileen says, “But if a marriage is in good shape… Then a 3rd party can’t come in and destroy it…And that’s the bottom line.” Brandi (The Twit) further tries to come up with something to argue with Eileen about when she asks if Eileen is friendly with Vince’s ex-wife. Eileen says that she is very friendly with her. It’s hard for Brandi (The Twit) not to feel mad at Eileen for the situation.
Brandi (The Twit) then explains YoYo that Eileen is a whore on TV. Brandi wants Eileen to go into her soap opera character. Eileen playfully tells her to pay her some money and she’ll do it. Brandi pulls out some money and hands it over to Eileen. Brandi wants to see the side of Eileen that she sees on “Days of Our Life wherein she’s the villain who sleeps around and tries to steal men.” Ummmm… News flash, Brandi (The Twit) – That’s just a TV and is not real… Eileen is an Emmy Award-winning actress. Eileen thinks she’s being treated like a circus seal. Brandi (The Twit) threatens to throw her drink on her. Eileen playfully claps her hands together while making the requisite trained seal kind of sounds. In her talking head, Eileen says that she doesn’t want to re-enact a scene from the show and that Brandi is just not getting it. After telling YoYo that Eileen had won an Emmy…
In this week’s edition of, “I Kid You Not” – Brandi (The Twit) takes a gulp out of her wine glass and then just throws the remaining wine from her glass onto an unsuspecting Eileen for no apparent reason. Even YoYo is asking Brandi why she did it. Immediately after she did it, Brandi (The Twit) starts laughing and smirking. Seriously – I kid you not!
Everyone is totally flabbergasted. As Eileen tries to wipe the real wine off her hair, makeup, and leather top, Eileen graciously tries to explain it away by saying that Brandi has had a few drinks. YoYo has no idea where that came from or what to say to that…
Brandi (The Twit) tries to explain herself that she thought that since Eileen is a soap opera actress that she thought she would have just sat there and taken it… Ummm… Brandi, you moron, TV isn’t real – You should know because after all, you’re on a fabricated reality show, you imbecile! In the make-believe world of TV – If there ever was a point where someone threw a wine glass of something at someone – It was probably water, you idiot. Through misty eyes, Eileen sarcastically says that she has people throwing glasses of wine at her every day. In her talking head, Brandi (The Twit) says that she thinks she was going for a soap opera moment… or maybe it was because Eileen told a romantic story about her cheating… or that it could have been a combination of everything. We don’t hear Brandi (The Twit) saying she’s sorry at all… Now that could be creative editing – I don’t know.
Eileen calls it as she sees it and says, “There’s an ick factor here – but I’m going to get over it… but I’m going to be fine… but there’s just an ick factor here.” In her talking head, Eileen says she’s never had a glass of wine thrown in her face. She’s angry and humiliated – and that the whole thing is shocking and bizarre. Eileen turns to Lisa R and asks her to change the subject so they could move on… Even Lisa R is so shocked that she is speechless and flounders around totally not knowing what to say. YoYo calls for the check and ends the scene. I’m thinking, bullcrap… Right, as if they actually had to pay for that meal.
Vince and Eileen sit down to relax before going to YoYo’s dinner party. Eileen wants reassurance that she looks okay. Vince says he likes her dress and he offers her some wine. I have to giggle. Eileen, understandably wants to stay away from wine for a while. Vince calls Brandi a, “Damn psycho.” I really love him for that. Vince goes on to say of Brandi, “Look, she’s obviously weird…” Again, have I mentioned how much I love him? Vince doesn’t think Eileen should take it personally because he thinks Brandi likes her. He tells Eileen to put on her “fun face” as they go off to the party. I may have smacked my boyfriend for saying that…. Just sayin’…
It’s time for YoYo’s dinner party that she’s putting on with the help her friend who is a party planner. YoYo tells us she would be horrified if Brandi misbehaves in her home. So one by one everyone arrives at YoYo’s house and is immediately clued in as to what happened the previous night. Everyone is shocked and knows this is a new low for Brandi. By the time Brandi (The Twit) walks in everyone knows about what happened and Eileen says it feels like high school all over again.
Brandi (The Twit) asks Eileen if she can talk to her outside. In a moment of comedic brilliance, Eileen directs Brandi to leave her wineglass behind. Brandi (The Twit) says that Eileen owes her and can feel free to throw some wine on her but YoYo quickly steps in and says that there are rules inside the house…. Lol.. Eileen also asks Brandi if she left her “weirdo super fan” persona at the door. Brandi (The Twit) admits, “I was wrong” and then tries to explain it by saying she has really bad anxiety. Right – because all the people I know who have anxiety issues are willy nilly throwing glasses of wine at each other.
Brandi (The Twit) goes on to say that she really doesn’t have an explanation. Fortunately, she brought a “Friendship Necklace” as a peace offering to give to Eileen. I thought this was wonky – because it wasn’t in a gift box or wrapped in any way – She just kind of brought it out and thrust it at Eileen. Brandi (The Twit) said that she really wanted Eileen to go into one of her characters at the time and that she’s really sorry. Brandi (The Twit) says that she’s never thrown a drink at anyone. Umm… is that true? Haven’t we seen her throw a drink at someone before… or am I misremembering? I’m sure someone will remember in the comments….
Eileen tells Brandi that it was a creepy fan type thing to do. In her talking head, Eileen says, “I can accept an apology from Brandi because I don’t like to get caught up in the petty, small stuff that doesn’t really matter – but I still don’t trust her – but I’m willing to accept her apology.”
Kim arrives later than everyone else, as usual… but she looks awesome. They all sit down for dinner. I looked for special place cards written with little hearts reserved for only “special teams” like YoYo has done in the past – but sadly, there was none of that. YoYo makes a toast to her King, David, “Thank you for being my strength when I lost my strength for the last 2 years.” YoYo also makes a toast to Eileen’s Emmy win (lol). Also, during the toast, YoYo tells Brandi that she’s in “Time-out.” Eileen tells Brandi that she’s armed because she has a wine glass in hand. Then, because YoYo can’t help but harassing and putting Lisa down, YoYo toasts Lisa on the opening of “Pump.” And then YoYo says, “Next time, invite us.” Moving on… lol. #toastnotatoast In her talking head, Lisa tells YoYo in her talking head, “Maybe you should figure it out why I didn’t invite you – it’s not rocket science.”
As they’re eating dinner, Brandi is making small talk with Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds (Multi Grammy Award winning R & B musician, singer, songwriter, record producer), who is sitting next to her. Scowly-faced YoYo and David are busy judging everyone’s interactions from where they’re sitting at the head of the table. David interrupts the whole table’s conversatoin just to clue in Brandi that Babyface is newly married. David was clearly implying that Brandi the Twit was having a big flirtfest with him. Brandi points to his beautiful wife who is sitting right next to him. It was hilarious.
Brandi tells Babyface that he’s a lucky man because his wife is so gorgeous – But because Brandi is a nitwit, she can’t help but say,“I do feel though, by the way – Let me see the ring [Wife reaches across her husband to proudly show Brandi her new wedding ring] – We could go bigger.” Babyface and his wife are shocked. Lisa V, from across the table tells Brandi that she can’t say that but Brandi insists that she can. In Lisa V’s talking head she goes on about how emasculating it is to do that to a man – that it’s like a man taking his clothes off and you telling him that his penis isn’t big enough.
Babyface defends himself by saying, “It’s not about the size but it’s about the love.” Brandi, like a dog with a bone says, “She’s going to need one of these [gesturing to the ring on Brandi’s own finger] – but not right now – If you’re too young – and you have this giant rock it means that your husband’s cheating.” Nicole is over 40. Babyface thinks that Brandi’s saying this crap (my words, no his) because of some of the things that she’s gone thru. Brandi says that he’s right. YoYo says it’s time for s’mores!
They all go outside to an amazing fire pit and toast marshmallows for s’mores. How fun is that? And because Brandi hasn’t been creepy enough thus far, actually tells Eileen, who is sitting next to Lisa R – “You’re so fucking sexy – it’s ridiculous.” “You’re walking the line of being a crazy, like weirdo fan” says Eileen. Lisa R says, “Brandi, you’re kind of fucking crazy.” Brandi says, “Cheers to that.” Then, abruptly Brandi leaves them and goes and physically sits on David Foster’s lap. She laughingly says, “Yolanda, I’m sitting on David’s lap.” Yolanda immediately walks over and takes Brandi’s hand and escorts her off his lap…lol… I don’t think YoYo was happy with that…lol.
While Brandi is distracted, Lisa R and Eileen escape into the house to talk about just how batcrapcrazy Brandi is acting. Lisa R says, “I like her – but she’s nuts.” They talk about how Brandi says all those things because she wants a reaction and wants to be center of attention. They decide Brandi is neurotic enough to be an actress. Lisa R tells us in her talking head, that she sees a wounded little girl inside of Brandi – and that no one drinks that much if they’re happy.
Later, as everyone is back in the living room – it’s music time with David Foster and Babyface. How fun! David asks for random thoughts suggestions that they can turn into a freestyle kind of song. Babyface is playing a guitar and David is playing the piano. Kyle offers her perfectly lovely suggestion, “I love my life.” David directs Kenny that it has to be a sexy, slow jam. But Brandi interjects, “Why did you do it like this [insert vulgar finger up a hoohaa gesture] – like you were finger banging your wife?” “Why do you have to ruin a beautiful moment?” asks Kyle. YoYo tells Brandi she’s on a time-out. Brandi ruined the mood.
David and Babyface launch into a song that combines “I love my life” with “finger banging” – because that’s just how they roll in the shire (sorry, obscure Big Bang Theory reference because I needed to laugh after this moronic episode.).
Other Things we learned from this episode…
~~ YoYo’s daughter Bella can’t wait to move to New York to go to “Parsons – The New School for Design” and is willing to even sleep on the floor to be there. They’re looking for an apartment for her near the school. YoYo tells us that she’s feeling disappointed, scared and vulnerable about Bella’s leaving. I’m sure there were other punishments, but YoYo tells us that as a result of Bella’s DUI, that she took away her phone for 21 days and that she did not have access to social media. Bella is also going to have to pay for her lawyer fees with her own savings (I’m sure there were other punishments, too). YoYo says she has to trust that Bella has the tools to make the right decisions. Okay wait a minute – Do you mean to tell me that you punished Bella for a whole 21 days? Whoop-de-freaking doo! I routinely got put on “restriction” for 2 weeks at a time when I was growing up merely for not emptying the dishwasher or for not refilling the ice cube trays. And in my case, no one’s life was in jeopardy due to lack of ice. Although, truth be told, now that I’m an adult – Not having adequate ice could quite possibly be categorized as justifiable homicide, in my opinion. Sorry, Mom!
~~ Kyle is finally teaching Alexia, her 18 year old, how to do laundry. Kyle thinks she has prepared her kids for a lot of things in life – but laundry just isn’t one of them. Kyle tearfully emphasizes to Alexia that she can always come home – that she always has a soft place to land. She’s specifically referring to next year when Alexia goes off to Arizona to go to college – Kyle wants her to know she can come back at any time and that there are plenty of colleges here… lol. This is so not going to be pretty…
Funniest Moment of the Epsiode…
Lisa R sees YoYo’s stunning, clear glass fridge for the first time and Lisa V tells her to get into it and she will take a picture of her. As Lisa R is in the fridge, Lisa V says that it’s a good way to preserve you – and Lisa R says that she’ll take it!
Delusional Thought of the Episode…
“I think we have a very similar personality.” Brandi says this to Lisa. Hardee har har har. Lisa, obvi, disagrees.
Quotes of the episode…
“Absolutely inappropriate and fucking weird.” Lisa R says in her talking head about Brandi’s wine throwing at Eileen.
“If Brandi had thrown the wine in my face – I would have gone across that table… and I don’t know what I would have done – but I probably would be in a cop car.” Lisa R admits after Brandi throws wine at Eileen.
“I’m a freak standing in Yolanda’s fridge. What the fuck?” – Lisa R says in her talking head when narrating that she’s ummmm… standing in Yolanda’s fridge…lol… She immediately recognizes because she’s doing so – she says, “I’ll stay beautiful forever!”
“I’m sorry, but in your own words, ‘Shut the fuck up!’” – Lisa V says to Brandi in her talking head after Brandi insults the wedding ring Babyface’s wife is wearing in front of the whole table.
“If that’s not some white trash – I don’t know what is!” Lisa R says about Brandi in her talking head – after Brandi made her vulgar wife banging comment during music time.
Lisa V’s son is saying he doesn’t have proof of insurance in either car and Lisa thinks he’s being irresponsible (and illegal.) Brandi meets with her lawyer who tells her that Eddie is asking for child support and spousal support that he says he overpaid. Brandi wants to fight him in court. Eileen observes that one by one you watch you children grow up and leave – and the house gets quieter and quieter. YoYo’s daughter, Bella, tells her that it was a bad mistake but that YoYo can still trust her. YoYo says that Bella knows that there is no 2nd chance in this. Kyle talks about how their home dynamic changes with each child that leaves. I see a pattern – but fortunately, no wine throwing… lol.
Well, that’s it for this episode… Thanks for reading… Have a most excellent week! Happy Trails!