Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Live and Learn” – S5E9
NOTE: Be prepared to jump for joy cuz Brandi (The Twit) was barely in this episode at all! Yippie! While there is still some vulgarity and cussing, (mainly in last week’s recap and a couple of gratuitous quotes here and there)… Overall, it was really quite an innocuous and non-drama-filled episode… But don’t we both know I’ll find lots to snark about anyway? lol…
Remember last week…
Brandi (The Twit) had the 2nd straight week of showing herself to be completely ignorant, insulting, and obnoxiously obscene with her over-the-top rude and gross vulgarities. The sad part is that looking back, I can honestly say that I wasn’t all that shocked by it… However, I AM shocked that the very persnickety and genteel YoYo thus far seems to be putting up with it… but I digress… Needless to say, that since Brandi (The Twit) was very involved throughout the entire episode that there was lots of cussin’ and stuff… In addition, there was a pretend “Friendship Summit” between Brandi (The Twit) and Lisa V wherein the ever-delusional Brandi (The Twit) demanded that Lisa apologize about Scheana… In another scene, Brandi inexplicably threw an actual glass of wine at Eileen while dining at a very nice ocean-side restaurant. Evidently, Brandi (The Twit) thought she could manipulate Eileen into becoming a trained seal and would thus transform into her soap opera character…During YoYo’s dinner party, Brandi (The Twit) managed to emasculate the newly wedded Baby Face on national TV by criticizing the size of the diamond in the wedding ring worn by his gorgeous wife… Oh, and she also made an extremely vulgar gesture and referred to it as “finger banging” during the hallowed end of the evening sing-a-long time with David Foster… Yeah, this is why I’m currently referring to Brandi as “Brandi (The Twit)… I mean seriously… How could I not? Unless of course you have a better idea… I’m open to suggestions…lol…
Because I was curious, and just as a point of reference, I decided to look up the ratings for a couple of shows that we watch here on this blog and compare their viewership:
Last week – (Live and Same Day Statistics):
1,307,000 Viewers – Vanderpump Rules (Last season’s average was: 1,517,529)
1,839,000 Viewers – Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Last season’s average was: 1,824,905)
3,355,000 Viewers – Real Housewives of Atlanta (Last season’s average was: 3,833,211)
This week it’s all about the kids and college (or lack thereof). I’m sure there will be plenty of tears (parents) and cheers (kids). The episode opens with a phone call from Lisa V to Max, her imperfect 23-year-old son who is no longer attending college. Lisa and Ken have put their foot down that if he isn’t going to college anymore then he has to make it on his own. For Max, that means he has to work at one of their restaurants. At one point, Lisa says that he has to work there to pay her back…Who knows what the financial arrangement is – but he’s currently working at Sur. Lisa is concerned that he doesn’t seem to be very ambitious.
There are roses, roses everywhere around Lisa’s house and we find out that it’s their 32ndanniversary! I looked it up and it’s the anniversary that celebrates “conveyances/transportation” – So it seems to me that either someone should have received a car – Or they should have gone on an exotic excursion somewhere fun via some sort of luxurious transportation, no?
Speaking of cars, when Max visited he drove his girlfriend’s car. Lisa asked if he was insured to drive it – and he said, “No.” He may be pulling their leg or maybe not. I’m sure insurance is a huge issue for the Royal Vanderpumps because they need to protect their assets. Max said that he doesn’t have proof of insurance or registration on his own car either. He keeps laughing about it – but the Royal Vanderpumps are not amused. He doesn’t have a current registration sticker on his car because he hasn’t gotten his car “smogged.” For those not from this area, California has some very stringent laws concerning car emissions and requires you to get your car smog tested every 2 years. As a result of the 1970 Clean Air Act, California will not issue a new registration until they receive the electronic certification that your vehicle has “passed” the inspection via the smog testing station. I know this because we just did this just today on our Honda Odyssey. It costs a whopping $38. It’s a pain in the neck, it’s true. However, the positive difference in the air quality between the 1970s and now is phenomenal – Especially when considering the population in California has almost doubled between 1970 (19.9 million) and 2014 (38.3 million) – According to the CA Department of Finance…http://www.dof.ca.gov/research/demographic/reports/estimates/e-1/view.php. There are many factors that contributed to California’s air quality improvement… but who cares about that when we can snark about people on TV? Lol…
Lisa tells wants Max to learn every aspect of the restaurant business. Max started out washing dishes and is gradually learning other jobs. Lisa really goes on and on about Max’s lack of ambition and she compares him to Pandora, the Perfect One. Lisa also wonders if his lack of ambition is because he was adopted. In all my years, my parents never brought up my adoption as being an explanation for something – I mean not ever! Plus, I would hate having to be compared to Pandora, the Perfect One.
We learn that Lisa demonstrated tough love towards Max when she allowed him to not have electricity for 3 months. She wanted him to be motivated to work hard so he could get it turned back on. She recognized that if she just went ahead and paid the bill that he would not have any motivation to work hard. Whoa… That’s some serious nerves of steel. Now before anyone gets all batcrapcrazy about poor Max freezing to death in the middle of winter or something… As a point of reference – At this very moment it’s a balmy 50 degrees at 3:18 AM. Heck, most people would break out the suntan lotion if they experienced that temperature in the dead of winter. Max insists he wants to take on more responsibility at work but Lisa is wondering about his motivation. She thinks it’s because he has a girlfriend. Lisa wants him to want it for himself and not for anyone else. Lisa says, “A mother is as happy as her saddest child.” Lisa says something a little wonky about how well Pandora and her husband Jason are doing and about how Jason could be stepping into the shoes that could have belonged to Max… It’s a dangerous game to pit son-in-law against son…
Kyle’s entire family is in Tucson, Arizona to move Alexia to college – I mean even older sister Farrah is there. We know from past episodes that if Kyle had her way that Alexia would go to college nearer to home. Kyle is torn because she wants her daughter to get the college education she never received herself – but that it’s also painful and she doesn’t seem to want to let go. Kyle really hates that she didn’t go to college. That’s a huge regret to have… Perhaps she’ll go sometime… I think it would be kewl for her to do so.
Alexia didn’t get on-campus dormitory housing so she has to live in an apartment off campus. They arrive and check out the apartment and then go shopping for whatever they don’t already have. We saw Kyle planning out everything she thinks Alexia will need in previous episodes – So I’m guessing Alexia is good to go.
As the family sits around talking about Alexia while she’s on campus doing her thing, they talk about how it’s really easy for her to make friends, etc. Mauricio chimes in that it’s not a question of whether or not Alexia will make it – Of course she will – but it’s about them wanting Alexia’s presence at home. We find out that that when Farrah went off to college Kyle got pregnant with Portia partly so she would be distracted. Kyle makes a joke that every time one of her kids goes off to college that she will just get pregnant to replace them. On a side note, we see no less than 3 different times the name of the resort where Kyle and her family are staying… I refuse to continue to publicize it… but I’m guessing they got their entire stay comped for the free publicity…lol.
Mauricio and Kyle privately talk about how they need to get Alexia a bank account and settle on a dollar amount they will send her. At first, Mauricio suggests that since her rent and tuition are already paid for that she needs money for food. He tosses out $500 per week. Are you kidding me? And would you care to adopt a snarky blogger from Orange County? He and Kyle try to do math…okay, that’s $15 per meal times 3 meals a day times 7 days a week…. (because don’t we ALL pay $15 per meal???) So according to my calculations, that comes out to $315 per week x 4 weeks = $1,260. Nope… They’re sending $1,800. I mean it’s not crazy… but wow…just wow. How many of us lived on ramen noodles, popcorn, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, macaroni and cheese, and scrambled eggs while in college? I mean… Isn’t that part of the whole experience?
A storm hits while they’re having their “Last Supper” together. The wind unexpectedly blows up and almost blows Portia away…lol. Thunder and lightning storms can be so unpredictable in the desert. They decide to say goodbye at the hotel instead of at Alexia’s apartment. This is so not going to be pretty. As they leave the restaurant to go back to the hotel, as the wind and rain are hitting, you can hear Portia say, “Why am I doing this to myself?” Hilarious…
Back at the hotel, Kyle is dreading the second Alexia walks out the door. Through tear-stained eyes she assures Alexia that she is going to have so much fun. She asks her to text her when she gets back home tonight. Kyle can’t walk out to the car with her because she doesn’t want to see her say goodbye to Mauricio. Kyle tells us that the whole dynamic of her home changes with each child that leaves. Everyone is tearing up – including me. This has brought Kyle and Mauricio closer together through this shared pain.
Meanwhile, YoYO and Bella are in New York City. YoYo says that it never gets easy to send daughters off to college. Bella’s DUI changed everything for YoYo and made her feel insecure about letting Bella go. … YoYo took Bella’s DUI very personally like she had done something wrong. I really didn’t like how on one hand, YoYo noted how serious the DUI was… but on the other hand she explained it away by saying it was merely a single glass of wine, etc. I also hope there were stricter punishments than what we’ve heard about, too… This crap makes me so mad… Anyway, it’s important to YoYo to show her daughter that she won’t push her away if her actions embarrass her. I so want to believe that Bella has learned her lesson… but color me cynical.
Meanwhile, in New York, YoYo is overseeing the moving in of Bella’s fancy dancy rugs and furniture. YoYo puts up a wall of love… Wait… did I miss the attendance mandatory painting party this year? Poor Bella, too often the 2nd child always a tad overlooked. Bella, I’d cry for you – but I’ve seen your apartment – and while it’s not quite as nice as Gigi’s… It’s still quite amazing, if you ask me. YoYo lives by the motto – If you want something done right – You do it yourself…Yeah, or pay someone else to do it exactly as you dictate, no?
Bella comes home just in time when everything is already perfectly in place. Bella has an ooey gooey mushy card for her mom. It basically tells YoYo not to worry about her being alone in New York. She expresses that from the deepest part of her heart that she wants to regain YoYo’s trust and be the woman she raised her to be… And that she should trust that this mistake doesn’t define who she is as a person. She also assures YoYo that what happened doesn’t mean she’s not a good mother… But that kids make mistakes… She assures her that she “learned my consequences.” YoYo tells us that Bella knows there is no second chance in this.
Brandi (The Twit) has a highly caffeinated… I mean high powered meeting at The Coffee Bean with her lawyer. Brandi says she doesn’t put her purse on the ground because it’s a superstition that you will lose your money. I don’t put my purse on the ground because it will get dirty.
Brandi starts off by saying to her lawyer, “I just need clearance on Eddie’s letter.” Clearance? You need CLEARANCE on the letter? It sounds to me you need “clarity” on Eddie’s letter. OMG… We have heard this four million times before. The lawyer says Eddie’s not saying he’s asking Brandi for money but that he wants to recoup the child support and spousal support that he’s already overpaid according to his calculations. The money will come out of Brandi’s share of his retirement. Eddie is asserting that he’s not making any money at the present time. Brandi’s attorney wants to keep fees low and not go back to court – but Brandi really wants to do so. Brandi wants Eddie to get a job so that she and her kids will get more money. Brandi’s attorney thinks her position is strong but that if she ends up in litigation that she is going to be mad.
We see a couple of segments about Eileen’s (That Tramp’s) family. Her two stepsons are going back to college. Her experience as a stepmother has been awesome and she loves it. She knows she’s not their mother and that she’s had to earn their respect and love. She thinks they see her as being tough but fair. She has spoiled them rotten but she loves them to pieces. In a feel-good moment right after they’ve all had dinner – Vince (My Boyfriend) and all the boys break out in a round of applause for dinner. Of course this is all for camera – but wouldn’t it be nice if it happened at other times, too? And wouldn’t it be nice if the applause was for me after I cook them all dinner? Oh wait…did I say that out loud?
Other Things we learned from this episode…
~~ The University of Arizona sits on 380 acres of land and therefore has a “bike valet” service for students wherein you ride your bike to class and much like a car valet – You leave your bike in the hands of someone who will watch over your bike until you return. Whoa… I wonder if you have to tip them? I wonder if they, too, will change the position of your seat and the radio station like other valets do?
~~ At one time in her life, Kyle wanted to become a lawyer. It may have been that she just saw too many Perry Mason episodes growing up… I mean, didn’t we all? She probably would have made a great attorney or at least she could play one on TV.
~~ It’s hilarious to me how all these families are so sad when their children go off to college. I think my parents threw “a kegger” when I left… No seriously…lol.
~~ Lisa and Harry are in a movie called, “Director’s Cut” wherein they play themselves and it’s written by Penn Jillette.
~~ Brandi (The Twit) invited her friend Jennifer and Kim over to watch Eddie and Leann’s new reality show to make sure her kids weren’t actually on the show. She charmingly refers to Leeann as a “cunt”try music star. She once again complains about her child support/spousal support check and holds up a $1,000 check. She says that will cover groceries for one week. Wow – Where do YOU shop? In her “Holy Hypocrite, Batman” moment – Brandi (The Twit) complains about being a unpaid character on their reality show because they talk about her all the time. Yes, we hear this from Brandi (The Twit’s) lips while she’s on her own reality show talking about THEM all the freakin’ time. Puhleeze!
Funniest Moment of the Epsiode…
While Lisa R is on her way to film her segment of a movie, she is in her car exercising her mouth and lips. She makes funny faces and says, “Red leather, yellow leather… Red leather, yellow leather… wingaway wingaway. She says, “You have to have these lips in action or else you’re fumbling.” And we now have the answer to why Lisa’s lips are so big – It’s because she exercises them so much. Those are actual muscles, dagnabit!
Delusional Thought of the Episode…
Brandi (The Twit) actually wants to someday be able to sit around a holiday table with her side of the family as well as with her ex-husband, his wife and his in-laws. Right… Because it’s not like you’ve badmouthed them from here to eternity on national TV or anything. I mean in this VERY episode you do. Get a grip!
Quotes of the episode…
“It’s terrible – I want to be like, ‘Yes… Go… Spread your wings and fly! – FUCK that!’” says Kyle in a surprising moment of cussing in her talking head interview regarding Alexia going off to college.
I would tell you what’s happening next week but I don’t want to end this episode with crappy negativity. Let’s just wait for next week, shall we?
Well, that’s it for this episode… Thanks for reading… Have a most excellent week! Happy Trails!