Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“House of Cards” – S5E10
NOTE: Unfortunately, Brandi (The Twit) IS in this episode a lot… So there are several instances of stupid shock-jock statements filled with vulgarity, cussing, etc. Frankly, I’m tired of it and of her – So unless it’s germane to the rest of the storyline I’m just going to ignore it. Perhaps if I ignore “it” enough “she” will go away, no? However, she is NOT the only one who cusses up a storm in this episode. You have been warned.
Remember last week…
Kyle, YoYo and Eileen (That Tramp) were crying because their kids were going off to college while Lisa was cranky cuz Max quit college. I cried because Alexia didn’t know how to do laundry at age 18… but that’s a whole nuther Oprah. It was a pure night of joy because Brandi (The Twit) barely made an appearance. Well, except to bash her ex-husband about child support payments and to watch his reality show on TV. By the way, this week on The Celebrity Apprentice – Kenya (RHOA) went for Brandi’s jugular in the Boardroom when she brought up that Brandi’s ex-husband left her for a younger, prettier woman. I find it fascinating that those two adjectives are always used, “younger and prettier” when I personally think “rich” is just as accurate… but I digress… Kyle’s entire family travelled to Arizona to move Alexia in at college because it’s going to take the whole family to tear Kyle’s motherly grasp from Alexia’s wriggling legs. I have a love/hate relationship with Kyle – but I will say that I love how much she cares about her family. And the truth is that I probably would never do laundry either, if I could pay someone else to do it for me.
Kyle organizes a “Spa Day” at Bacara Resort and Spa in Santa Barbara with everyone. They take a party van – which is fun. Lisa V thinks if Eileen can get into a van with Brandi after she threw a glass of wine in her face that she could, too could handle a ride with Brandi. “I’m a pamper whore” says Lisa R… She will take pampering any way she can get it.
They arrive at the Resort… Lisa V, Brandi, and Eileen are in one room getting massages. Lisa R, Kim, and Kyle are in another room and their conversation is about Brandi’s tossing of wine on Eileen (That Tramp). Lisa R said that the whole thing was one of the most bizarre things she’s ever seen in her life – and that’s saying something. Kim immediately leaps to Brandi’s defense and says, “But she definitely feels bad and she definitely said she’s sorry…” Everyone confirms that she did. Kim observes that Brandi “used to” fly off the handle but that she doesn’t think that she does that anymore… or as much. This should have been a big red flag that Kim’s obviously not right in the head… but okay…
YoYo isn’t at the Spa Day because she’s in New York with her daughters. It must be surreal to see your daughter’s picture on a bus driving by… YoYo is shocked at how much Gigi has accomplished in just one year. There is a cute scene where YoYo is putting together Bella’s portfolio and she deals out various pictures of Bella on the ground like playing cards and they all discuss which pictures are their favorites. Gigi advises Bella to use the ones that makes her look more natural – like she’s moving through the motion rather than a picture that looks too posed. Bella has already asked YoYo if she could quit school if she starts to become successful at modeling. YoYo says she would be open to it if she starts to make six figures. Wow… She hasn’t even attended classes yet and she’s already poised to quit.
Wow.. Spa day continues with a wine tasting (Didn’t Kyle plan this?)… Kyle’s mortified because she would have never have done that to her sister and she says it was a big misunderstanding with the establishment. Kyle thought it was just a wine pairing – not a wine tasting. I’m sure Bravo is laughing all the way to the bank on this obvious event for advertising purposes only. I think it’s just cruel because it unnecessarily highlights Kim’s drinking issues. Oh, but everything’s okay because they made a “special” mango smoothie drink just for Kim… After the sommelier blunderingly offers Kim the opportunity to just “smell” the wine, Kim quietly takes a phone call and leaves the room. To be fair, Kyle did specifically ask Kim if she was okay with the whole thing. I know they’re all at work and stuff – but come on… Why didn’t one (or all) of them just take Kim off to the dining area and have lunch. Did we REALLY need to plug the wines? Oh yeah, I guess we did. Stupid Bravo.
On the van ride home, Brandi decides they should play the game, “Number one fantasy.” Lisa R goes first and decides in her fantasy that she’s probably boinking Brad Pitt (Stars99, the 90s called – They want their word back… lol). Kim’s fantasy is to live on the beach somewhere all by herself. Kyle wants to be a stripper with her face covered. Okay, Lisa R just cracks me up… because in her TH she says, “I love a good stripper… And to see Kyle do a stripper and have her do her splits… I would pay for that – a lot of money.” Brandi (The Twit) and her plastic face says that she’s going to be “real with you guys”…[braces myself]… Brandi says, “Here’s what turns me on”… After making a comment about being drunk and that it’s the only reason she’s telling them her fantasy… I mean, you know… Except that it was her brilliant idea to start this game in the first place… Brandi says, “What turns me on – Is the guy that I’m having relations with… or even my ex-husband, or whoever it is that I’m with – to walk in on them with another girl – like behind the girl – and then not being able to walk away because he still has to cum.” Lisa R says in her TH, “That’s creepy… it’s a little bit creepy.” Kyle says, “Ugh, sicko.” Brandi tells us that it’s really not that sick – it’s something she doesn’t want to have happen but that it happens to randomly turn her on.
Unfortunately, that’s not the sickest thing, Brandi, (The Creepy Sicko Twit) says… Because when Lisa V says she doesn’t have those kinds of fantasies, Brandi says in her TH, “I don’t think that deep down they have like, any more impulses… That’s why all their husbands are cheating.” And then she gets this really weird evil smirk on her face. Right, this is being said by someone who whines and complains at least once per episode about her cheating ex-husband and the deep pain he’s caused in her life. It’s like she wishes that pain on all her friends, too. That’s just wonky and really fucked-up (Sorry, excuse the cussin’… I’ll put $1 in the cussin’ jar… Not sure who has custody of the jar at this point…). Oh, but she makes it oh so much better by being all cutesy, smiling, and saying, “Just kidding.” Ugh. KMN.
Eileen (That Tramp) and Vince (My Boyfriend) are getting ready for Poker Night. It’s hilarious because they’re bickering back and forth as they’re getting everything in place. I must say, I really, really like “That Tramp” even though she stole Vince away from me. I mean, I just can’t help myself – She’s great! Vince thinks it’s silliness that she wants to have a fire in their fireplace because it’s going to get too hot. Let me tell you – He’s absolutely right! I think it’s embarrassing most of the time when someone living in Southern California lights a fire in their fireplace. However, it’s pure comedy when Eileen lights the Duraflame log she’s holding in her hands while Vince is still on his knees making sure the chimney flue is open. As the flames increase my laughter flares up.. Or maybe it’s the other way around… But seriously, who lights a Duraflame log while you’re still holding it? I dunno… It’s just hysterical to me. I start to inexplicably sing, “Come on baby light my fire…” lol.
Okay… So now it’s time for everyone to travel to the Poker Night in their luxury transportation. Brandi and Kyle are traveling together and Brandi comes out with her arms full of 3 bottles of liquor – 2 for Eileen and 1 for them for the ride over. Rut roh… Brandi’s gonna get drunk! Color me oh, so surprised! Kyle and Brandi talk about Kim’s sobriety and how strong she is… Brandi, like many people, think that alcoholism is a disease and that you can’t help it if you have that disease. My Dad wrestled with that question for several years. If I understood his position correctly in his later years, he came to believe that alcoholism begins as addiction that affects you physically and psychologically but then it morphs into something that takes over your life and ravages your body like how a disease would act. But it all starts with a single drink. One can consciously choose not to take that drink in the beginning. One cannot simply choose not to have a disease like cancer. Therein lays the difference. But I digress… I think too many people have died from both.
It’s kind of weird… Because I know something is going to happen in this episode that has to do with Kim’s sobriety. It feels like everyone is talking about how strong she is just so we see her fall later in the episode. I don’t know who knew what or when they knew it… but it’s just wonky. I don’t like it. Sobriety isn’t something to play around with… I watched my Dad struggle with it for the last 25 + years of his life. I never drank in front of him or served alcohol at a gathering he attended… Not ever… But it wasn’t because he couldn’t handle it – but for me, it was out of respect for him. I doubt if he ever even knew that – it’s just something that I did. Of course, if I had ever chosen to ask him about it – I’m sure he would have encouraged me to drink or do whatever made me happy. But for me – It really came down to respect. Fortunately, I don’t need alcohol in order to have way too much fun for words… I’m crazy enough when I’m sober…lol…
Kim and Lisa R are travelling together. When Lisa gets into the vehicle and asks Kim how she is… Kim responds that she’s “ornery.” Lisa confirms that Kim seems a little pissy. Then she asks if Kim has been drinking or taking drugs… And she wants to confirm if she’s still sober. Kim says, “Yeah.” Lol… Now mind you, they haven’t even pulled away from the curb when this conversation happens…lol. In her TH, Lisa says she’s only seen Kim when she’s sweet and very clear but that right now, she’s really fucked up…lol (Lisa cussed… not me… so I don’t hafta put any money in the jar, right?)…Kim explains that she’s been really sad because Monty (her 1st husband, who is dying of cancer and is living with Kim) is normally home every night but that recently he hasn’t been home. Lisa observes that he’s probably in pain because he’s dying.
And, in this week’s installment of “I Kid You Not”… When talking about Monty, and Lisa says, “He’s in pain, he’s dying, right?” Then Kim, aka “Center-of-the-Whole-Fucking-Universe” ($1 cussin’ jar) actually responds, I KID YOU NOT, “So am I. What am I supposed to do? I’ve done nothing but him for all these years – You’re gonna leave me like this?” Are you freaking kidding me? Lisa nicely says she feels bad about that… and then Dr. Jekyll (Kim) turns on her and in a wonky tone tells her, “Well don’t… Don’t fucking feel sorry for me, bitch. You don’t know what I go through at night.” In her talking head, Lisa tells us, “It’s wackadoodle time.” I’m just astounded. Then they start in this weird acting role-play game and it just gets creepy. Lisa R just wants to get out of the car and run. I don’t blame her. She tells Kim that she thinks she acts all the time and that she’s good at it. Now THAT made me laff.
Everyone arrives at Eileen and Vince’s house and Eileen takes them on a tour. Brandi points at some items – and Eileen explains almost every item they have is an antique. Eileen describes her style as “eclectic.” Brandi clarifies, “Like American Psycho.” What do you say to that? After wincing, Eileen (I love her) says simply in her talking head that, “Brandi is weird.” Yeah, that’s the understatement of the year.
It’s time to sit around the poker table and Kim lights up a cigar while Brandi is smoking a cigarette. Okay, now you’ve really gotta laugh at this… Vince (Cohost of the World Poker Tour) is seriously trying to teach these women how to play the game, “Texas Holdem.” Okay, have these women been living under a rock? How on earth do they not know even the basics of cards? Brandi, who is clearly drunk because she’s already started slurring her words, tells them that she thought that as actresses they would all be good at this game because you have to maintain a straight face. Kyle is confused because she’s clearly not played many card games beyond “Go Fish.” Brandi wants everyone to stop acting stupid. Kyle says it’s offensive of her to say something like that. Kyle says she’s not acting stupid and that she’s actually very smart but that she just does not know how to play Poker. Brandi tells Kyle, “So you’re just stupid.” Kyle just glares at her. It becomes clear that Kyle and Lisa don’t know how to play Poker but that Kim, Brandi, and Eileen do. Don’t we ALL know who the real idiot is in the room?
The cards are turned over – and it turns out that Eileen was bluffing and Kim won the whole pot and does this happy dance like she had just won a million dollars. She gives Brandi big kisses on the cheek that went on for entirely too long. Kyle is looking confused because she doesn’t understand the mechanics of the game yet. Kim snaps at her and says, “Are you jealous because we won?” Kyle looks dazed and confused. Kyle just wants to learn the game. Then Brandi in one of her THs says that she thinks it’s hard for Kyle to see Kim excel at things like when they were when they were children… Brandi thinks there’s crazy jealousy there. I just think that Kim and Brandi have played Poker a few thousand more times than Kyle and Lisa. It’s hard to feel out of the loop in a game.
Then… There is a verbal exchange resulting in very loud voices. Quite frankly, this has me very confused. Here’s the sequence of events… Lisa bets $1,000 – And Kim says that Lisa doesn’t know what she’s doing, “You stupid ________…[I honestly don’t know if there was more to that statement… Like, “You stupid bitch” or “You stupid loveable luv muffin” – but the comment seemed to be edited kinda weird… Then again, we ARE talking about Kim.] Lisa agrees that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Then Kim says something like, “Fuck you… Don’t fucking call me stupid” – and I totally think that all of those words came from Kim’s mouth. Eileen tells everyone to quiet down because there’s a child upstairs. Eileen observes that the evening is getting uglier and uglier.
Lisa says that she’s fine… That they’re all fine… That she’s just learning. Kim looks across the table at Kyle who quietly asks Kim across the table, “We’re having fun – Why are you doing this?” Kim immediately says, “Fuck you.” Meanwhile, you hear Vince in the background continuing to try to explain the game. Poor guy. Kyle has a very worried look on her face because Kim is not acting like herself. Yeah… the real Kim has left the building… The lights are on… but no one’s home… and looney tunes are playing on TV.
It’s the last hand of the night… and Vince, as dealer, deals good cards to Brandi who says that she wants to have sex with him. Get in line, honey! (No, not really… Mr. Stars99 knows all about my crush and shockingly is not worried. I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not…lol.) After Brandi announced she wanted to have sex with Vince, Eileen tells Brandi (and us all), “Maybe not.” Lol… I don’t blame Eileen… I’m trying to remember the last time that I went to a friend’s house and announced that I wanted to have sex with her husband… Lemme think… Yeah, never. I’m sure you never have, either.
Brandi wins the hand and is the champion of the night. Woo hooo! She is awarded a small glass trophy and is asked to make a speech. Brandi says, “I’m the only non-actress here here (Yes, folks… she says it twice)… You are all super stupid – All of you.” Huh? She is just making no sense to me at all… Brandi gushes and says she doesn’t know what to say… She then says something about how they’re all actresses… Kyle laughingly wants to know what that has to do with anything… Brandi snaps at her, “Can I just have a fucking moment?” We all laugh out loud AT Brandi because she’s just so full of it. Brandi is holding some sunglasses that she got for $3 at Venice Beach. Kyle laughs and teasingly says, “And that’s where they got the award, too.” Brandi fired back, “And that’s where your soul is, bitch.” Whoa there… Captain Overreaction… I bet Kyle wishes Brandi had crutches she could hide right about now (Sorry, obscure reference to a previous season’s game night…lol).
Kim again attacks Kyle and says, “Don’t be jealous.” Kyle wonders, “Of what?” Kim slurs that Kyle shouldn’t be so in shock… and Kyle doesn’t seem to know what the heck Kim’s talking about. Eileen asks Kim what she’s talking about… Kim turns her evil eye towards Eileen and turns on her and says, “What are YOU talking about?” Eileen laughingly says that she is not quite sure. Kyle is panicking inside because she’s not sure what Kim is going to say next.
Kyle leaves to go to the bathroom and Kim follows her. Kyle tells her that it seems like she’s drinking. Kim says she doesn’t have anything to hide… Kim says she is not drinking and she is not doing drugs. Kim says she is 100% in pain. Kim explains, “Before I left the house, Monty gave me something for the pain that the doctor gave me and I took it – and that’s it.” Ummm, let me get this straight… So, you’re taking pills and not for physical pain… Hate to break it to you – but you ARE taking drugs – They may be prescribed drugs, but drugs nonetheless. Many would say that you’re not currently sober because of that. Kyle is freaking out. She’s scared – but at the same time she’s relieved that at least Kim is telling her the truth right now. Meanwhile, Brandi explains to the others that Kim is dealing with a lot with her ex-husband and that they should all give her a break. Everyone around the table graciously agrees.
Brandi gives Kim a hug in the foyer of the house. Brandi takes Kim by the hand and walks her out the front door. Kim tells Brandi that Kyle just made her feel so uncomfortable. Hah! You’ve made EVERYONE uncomfortable with your totally inappropriate comments all night, Kimmy. Brandi tells Kim that no one understands what she’s being going through but that she does and she says, “I got you, Boo.”
Kim insists on going back inside to say her goodbyes to everyone even though Brandi tries to talk her out of it. The others are in the kitchen gabbing and about to eat some pizza. Kyle encourages Kim to eat a piece of pizza before she leaves. As Kim turns and walks away, Kim says, “Thanks for doing it.” Kyle’s confused at what she’s talking about. Kim says, “Don’t” and then continues to walk out. Kyle goes after her and demands her to come over and talk to her for a second. Kim doesn’t want to and keeps walking off. Brandi, Kim’s bodyguard, is right there in the middle of things putting her body in between Kim and Kyle so Kim can exit dramatically. Oh, see… the light just went on for me… Because of course, THAT’s why Kim insisted on going back into the house and saying her goodbyes… It was all so she could make this dramatic exit! Puhleeze…
Brandi keeps telling Kyle to “Stop It” and Kyle is saying that she just wants to talk to her sister. Kyle lightly pushes Brandi aside so she can get to Kim. Brandi is putting her arms out and protecting Kim as they’re walking towards the front door like the frontline of a football team protects their precious quarterback. Brandi and Kyle shove back and forth with Brandi saying, “Don’t you fucking touch me” as she pushes Kyle down a couple of inside stairs. Kyle is crying and Lisa comes to the door. Once outside, Brandi apologizes to Kim but explains that Kyle had pushed her and she didn’t know what to do. Kim says, “You didn’t fight with her, did you?” Brandi said, “I did.” Kim exits… Stage left.
Other Things we learned from this episode…
~~ Although Kyle was horrified her Spa Day “lunch with wine pairing” turned into a full-blown wine tasting – Kim wasn’t at all mad about that – But what she was royally pissed off about was that she was promised lunch and all she got were six walnuts and four grapes. Well, to be fair, that’s Thanksgiving dinner to some of the women…lol. I’ll bet if YoYo was there she would have only been allowed to eat a single almond… And maybe not even that.
~~ Lisa V takes Giggy on vacation and allows him to drink so much that he will have a hangover the next morning. She says, “He really will have the hair of the dog that bit him.” You also get to see Giggy in his own personal little tent at the beach – and he’s nekkid! I had to close my eyes for the sake of privacy.
~~ YoYo was barely in this episode because she was with her daughters in New York. I was so, so saddened to read in her blog last week the following excerpt: “I have lost the ability to read, write, or even watch TV, because I can’t process information or any stimulation for that matter. It feels like someone came in and confiscated my brain and tied my hands behind my back to just watch and see life go by without me participating in it.” Dealing with a chronic and increasingly debilitating disease is unfathomably difficult on so many levels. Sometimes I mistakenly gloss over her disease because I know she has access to every kind of treatment humanly possible. The problem is that sometimes a cure is not humanly possible. This new development in her journey is very problematic. I weep for her. From her modeling days, YoYo has learned how to put on a brave face for the world. Perhaps we need to stop and find the people around us who are merely putting on a brave face in our world… Perhaps even reach out to them and offer them a safe and loving place to land. Yeah, I need to do that today…
Delusional Thought of the Episode…
Brandi (The Twit) said, “Without me they would have nothing to talk about… But then if I stopped being an asshole, then they would.” Oh Brandi, You Twit – Everyone has much better things to talk about than you – but you’re such a vulgar, attention-seeking whore of an elephant in every room you enter it’s hard to steer the conversation away from your assholedness (Yes, I’m aware that’s not a real word… So sue me… lol). She’s such a dunderhead.
Quotes of the episode…
This quote you just can’t unhear once you hear it…On the way to Santa Barbara, for some inexplicable reason, they started talking about the status of their nether regions. After Lisa R gave her status update about what her husband would prefer, Kim in her TH comically said, “If it was up to Harry – It would be hairy.”
“I think Brandi needs a thesaurus – So she can find other ways of expressing herself.” Eileen talks about Brandi’s immense command of the English language. I just love Eileen, (That Tramp)!
“I think the house is Norman Bates chic,” says Brandi of Eileen and my boyfriend’s house. How rude!
This quote is from Eileen’s blog when she’s talking about Brandi’s comment (above),“As far as her comments about our home? I thought it was comical that she mentioned Norman Bates, considering she’s the one that’s acting psycho.” Completely falls on the floor laughing… That’s pure genius right there… I wish I had come up with it…lol… Have I mentioned how much I love Eileen (That Tramp)?
I would tell you what’s happening next week but my DVR abruptly cut off after the ending scene. I don’t want to view the preview on Bravo’s website either – Because I hate it so much! I can’t believe they screwed up their site so badly!
Well, that’s it for this episode… Thanks for reading… Have a most excellent week! Happy Trails!
Veena’s note – there was a twitter flutter between Kyle and Brandi last night –