Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“It’s Just a Scratch” – S5E11
NOTE: As a reminder – I have stopped censoring all of the cussing in these episodes. Everyone is cussing these days. I will take responsibility when I cuss and will dutifully put money in the “Cussin’ Jar” when appropriate – But when I’m quoting these dunderheads, I think THEY should put money into the jar when they cuss, no? You have been warned. However, the good news is that there isn’t much straight up vulgarity in tonight’s episode, so at least there’s that… lol.
Remember last week…
The big deal last week was the Poker Night at Eileen’s house. Lisa V and YoYo were not in attendance. Unfortunately for us, Kim and the wagon she fell off of managed to attend. Kim went absolutely batcrapcrazy before our very eyes and before the night ended, she had turned against just about everyone except Brandi. Is it too early in this blog for me to declare my undying love for “That Tramp” (Eileen) and Lisa R? I think not… lol… Brandi was just her crappy, drunk, vulgar self who ended up being a “mister who got in between two sisters” as Kim tried to leave the party after saying some stuff to Kyle and a very worried Kyle wanted to talk to her. I start to inexplicably sing Bette Midler’s song, “Sisters” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrQAyQBjrHA
The pink elephant in the room is Kim’s sobriety. In her blog, Kim said she had been battling “bronchitis and pneumonia for weeks” and that she shouldn’t have even attended Poker Night (Or Spa Day – Which happened the previous day). Ummm… Kim, wasn’t it YOU we saw smoking a cigar and NOT coughing at all during Poker Night? How does one do that when you have bronchitis or pneumonia? Kim says that Monty gave her some pain medication before she got into the car to go to Poker Night. Okay, riddle me this… If the medication was indeed prescribed to Kim (as she told Kyle during the episode), why is Monty giving it to her? I know some addicts need others to handle their medication because they can’t be trusted to do so themselves. But even if that’s true in Kim’s case – Why is Monty the one giving it to her when he has a history of disappearing for days at a time? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Thanks Namaste for your great recapping of their blogs – They would have driven me crazy for sure (Yeah, yeah, yeah… short drive, I know, I know…lol). Hazard pay to Namaste!! (Hey, that rhymes…but not the LeAnn Rimes kind of way…lol)…
The episode begins with a replay of Brandi shoving Kyle out of the way while Kim was leaving the Poker Party. Brandi continues to usher Kim out and tells her that she and Kyle got into a little bit of a fight. Kim seems more concerned about what happened to her piece of pizza that Brandi was carrying for her rather than in what happened to her sister. You know, because it must be Brandi’s personal responsibility to deliver Kim’s pizza to her chauffeur-driven car for her. Give me a freakin’ break. Although, on second thought – It might be a good thing because it would provide Brandi with some valuable on-the-job training for her future job as a pizza delivery person once her 15 minutes of fame ticks down. Aren’t we down to like one minute, 40 seconds? (I do hope so…) Brandi, I hear Pizza Hut is hiring… Just a thought…
Kim delusionally tells Kyle, “I think that you were out of line in there.” Huh?? KYLE was out of line? Whoa… Now isn’t THAT the sun telling the moon it shines too bright. For those that didn’t see the episode last week – It was CLEAR that Kim was being loopy. I mean, we ALL knew something was seriously wrong with her… She was back to her mean self that we have experienced on screen when she’s ummm… Using creative things to alter her normal self… Some might guess alcohol was involved… (That’s what Lisa R and Kyle guessed and both directly asked Kim about it)… Others might guess drugs… I dunno what it was… But I know this… It WAS something… Or a mixture of something(s)… I mean allegedly and stuff.
Lisa R and “That Tramp” Eileen come to the door to see what was going on. Brandi “The Twit” explained to them that the sisters hate each other. She explains that they’ve had jealousy going on since childhood. “That Tramp” (whom I love) in her talking head (TH) says that she knows the sisters may have issues, but that they hate each other? Eileen says, “Brandi, that’s crazy!” I just love how the newbies have both Brandi and Kim’s numbers already.
It comes out that Lisa R evidently clued in Kyle about something being up with Kim after Lisa’s wonky experience with Kim on the drive to Poker Night. She said something like she thought that Kim wasn’t feeling well – but honestly, I’m guessing Lisa was a little more descriptive than that with Kyle. Kim found out about it (probably because Kyle told her about it when they were having the conversation in the bathroom) and was pissed off at Lisa for saying something to Kyle. Ummm… Kim… It’s no secret – We all saw it. You were wonky.
Brandi continues to get in between the sisters. Brandi compares war wounds with Kyle and then kind of dares Kyle to go “ghetto” and to, “Bring it bitch. I know how much you’ve been there for her and that’s zero.” Oh, Brandi, you think you’re so danged tough. Puhleeze. Sit yourself and your suburban ass down. When Kyle tells Brandi basically that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, Brandi says that she talks to Kim every day and that Kyle doesn’t talk to her at all. She’s been the one that Kim has leaned on for the last 6 months. Kim now tries to physically keep the two of them apart. Kim leaves Brandi to go after Kyle who has now walked away – Explaining to Brandi that it’s because it’s her sister… Putting Brandi solidly in the “You’ll never be as important to me as my sister is” category. Kim hugs Kyle.
After Kyle gets into a car, Kim goes back to talk to Brandi. As they’re standing there, Kim suddenly notices the scratch on Brandi’s arm, and Brandi says, “It’s swelling now… I’m gonna fuckin’ kill her.” After looking at it, Eileen completely dismisses Brandi’s comment with the kewlest, “Oh shut up… How about a little Neosporin? Get a grip… I’m going over here…” OMG… I love her… Even though she did end up stealing my boyfriend, Vince (That Tramp!).
Kim feels torn between Brandi and Kyle. At the end of it all, she is standing next to Brandi – Well, I should say “almost standing” because Kim seems to barely be able to stand straight up and Brandi is propping her up but Brandi’s hands are almost mauling Kim’s breasts… Kim asks Eileen what she should do. Eileen mutters, “Bunch of fucking drama queens – Is all I can say.” I love that Tramp (I know this is getting repetitive…but I cannot express how much I love she and Lisa R…lol).
After everyone finally left their house, Eileen “That Tramp that I love” and Vince “My Boyfriend” sit down and attempt to decompress after the horrible “party from hell” they just endured. Eileen understands that sisters have issues from time to time since she has some with her own sisters. And she has certainly fought with them like that – but not in the last 30-40 years since they’re now “grown ass women.”… lol… Vince seems dumbfounded. He watched everything from the safety of a window. I hope it was bulletproof glass… or at least stiletto-proof… (I wouldn’t put a good pump throwing past any one of them, to be honest…lol). Eileen thinks that it’s not cool for Brandi to try to get in between the sisters. Eileen calls Brandi, “Toxic.” I call her, “The Twit.” You say pohtaytoh… I say pohtahtoh…
Lisa and 4 of her dogs (The Gigster, Lollipop, Giggy’s father – Daddy-O, and Pink) are nicely sitting on a bench when Ken drives up with their other dog, Rumpy. Evidently, Rumpy has been away at training camp for the last 3 months…lol. Lisa calls Rumpy, “The naughtiest 4-legged thing on the planet.”
Ken has a surprise when he and the dog trainer bring in the beautiful golden retriever (Avery) that Rumpy fell in love with while at camp. She’s a pretty big dog and Lisa observes of Rumpy, “I love the fact that he’s not a superficial guy – There were 90 dogs to choose from and he choose the oldest, fattest lump in the school – So that says a lot about his character.” The dog trainer says that Rumpy could use a friend. Even though Lisa is reticent about adopting yet another dog, she finally agrees to it. The dog trainer explains to Lisa that Avery has a thyroid condition as an explanation for her size. Lisa isn’t buying it and wants to rename her, “Pumpy” (it may have been “Plumpy” – I couldn’t tell for sure)… But Lisa rethinks it once she sees how sweet Avery is… Avery and Rumpy are so danged cute together.
There is a scene between Kyle and Mauricio when they are talking in their kitchen just before Kyle is about to leave to go to visit Kim. Kyle tells Mauricio that Kim is in the hospital but that she’s not exactly sure why. Evidently, there is talk of an ulcer. Mauricio says that it doesn’t sound like it’s related to anything that took place the night before (Presumably Poker Night) and Kyle agrees. Kyle’s not sure if the hospital is guessing it’s an ulcer because of the symptoms – Or if they ran a test and they saw evidence of one. She knows that Kim said she was “100% in pain” which is why she took the pill the night before that Monty gave her. Footage is replayed of Kim saying that Monty gave her a pill that the doctor gave her. I know different people think it may have been one of Monty’s major pain pills because he must have an arsenal since he has cancer and is going thru chemo and radiation therapies. I dunno… But I do know… That it’s not wise to always believe the words of an addict even when they’re “sober.”
Lisa R is throwing a jewelry party as a breast cancer fundraiser for the Noreen Fraser Foundation (http://www.noreenfraserfoundation.org/). Noreen’s sound bite for the event was, “We need to turn cancer into a disease that you can live with and not die from.”
Lisa R puts a lot of pressure on herself when she throws parties. She confesses that she wants people to like her. Don’t worry, Lisa – We like you, we like you! Heck, we’d like you even if you threw a bad party! It’s kewl that Lisa still has the head table from her wedding and she calls it a “good luck” table. Awww… I just love that! I also love that she confesses that she has a huge control issue as she turns the lamp shade around so that the seam doesn’t show. I would soooooooooooo do that, too. I’m mercilessly teased by people who know me well about my perfectionistic tendencies…lol. Lisa just wants things to be perfect even though she knows it’s an impossibility by definition. I can so relate to Lisa on this subject…lol.
Everyone is at Lisa R’s party except Kim, who is still in the hospital. Kyle says they still don’t know anything yet – But they’re running all sorts of tests. Brandi and YoYo sit down to talk about what happened at Poker Night. YoYo asks Brandi if she was drinking. Brandi immediately tells her of course she was – That she’s a grown-up and she’s allowed to have some drinks. YoYo reminds her that she’s on “Probation.” Brandi insists, “I can do whatever the fuck I want.” Brandi doesn’t want a lecture from YoYo right now. YoYo just kind of looks at her. YoYo says in her TH, “If she thinks I’m mothering her – Then maybe she should start behaving like an adult and not as a child.” I gotta admit that I kinda love that!
Kyle tells both Lisas that she’s throwing “A gay mixer” and that she put on the invitations, “Bring your tops and bottoms – And I don’t mean your bikini.” Lol… See – I love this side of Kyle. At first, in her TH Lisa R seems not to understand exactly what Kyle means…Then Lisa R decides that it must mean “naked”… No, that doesn’t make sense to her… Then she says, “Am I so dumb?” I think someone finally clued her in and she apologizes to “the gays” because she feels like she let them down. See, and I think it just makes her more endearing.
Lisa V meets Denise Richards (Charlie Sheen’s ex) and discovers the only thing she has in common with Charlie Sheen is that both of their cars were stolen and driven off a cliff. Denise doesn’t look amused. I think Denise thought she should be known by the Royal Vanderpump. It was a little funny to me. I think it would be tough be known as “Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife” all the time when you have a career in the entertainment industry, too.
Okay… This next part is making me giggle a lot. Eileen “That Tramp that I love” sits down and attempts to talk to Brandi “The Twit.” In an adult, calm way, she talks about what Brandi said to her at Poker Night. She mentions how Brandi dissed her house and said it was kind of scary – and that it was offensive to her because it’s her family home… but she let that particular comment go that evening and didn’t say anything about it. But Elaine describes that there was a build-up of things… And there was a lot of cussing – and her son was upstairs… and that it started feeling a little disrespectful to her.
And, in this week’s installment of “I Kid You Not”… Our cute, loveable, wonderful, and completely remorseful Brandi courteously and politely said in her TH of Eileen…I KID YOU NOT, “If she thinks fucking saying the word fuck is fucking provocative – Then she needs to get out a little more. It’s a fucking word. And if you’re having a late night party at your house where you’re serving drinks and playing poker – Get a fucking nanny to take your kid out.” Oh Brandi, you never disappoint me in demonstrating just how much of an inarticulate moronic idiot you really are. Okay, Ms. Shock Jock… Gosh… I’m just so shocked by you… NOT.
Eileen nicely asks Brandi if there’s something about Eileen that makes Brandi antagonistic towards her… Okay, you just gotta laff at that… Ummm… No, Eileen… Brandi’s just a Twit – She’s aggressive with just about everyone. Brandi snottily says in her TH of her talk with Eileen, “Oh goody, another lecture!” After Brandi tries to convince Eileen that she really isn’t a mean girl… Eileen “That Tramp that I love” calls Brandi out in her TH, “What is that behavior if it’s not mean? It’s hurtful – It hurts people’s feelings… She’s got ‘Mean Girl’ written all over her… I don’t care what she says.”
After the jewelry party, Lisa V. and Kyle go to Villa Blanca for drinks… You know, cuz it’s free publicity time. They commiserate together about Brandi and about how neither one of them will be able to trust her ever again. The dynamic has changed and neither Kyle nor Lisa want to put forth the effort anymore. Kyle said she had high hopes for her relationship with Brandi but that she’s been let down. Kyle doesn’t want to put herself in a position to be able to be hurt by Brandi either emotionally or physically ever again.
Lisa says in her TH that Brandi is always trying to be the center of attention – That Brandi isn’t happy unless she’s provoking a situation and that maybe it makes her feel more important than she really is… Lisa tells Kyle, “For me, once bitten, very, very bloody shy.” Kyle knows that she could forgive Brandi for what just happened – but that she just really doesn’t want to. Lisa hopes that Kim doesn’t get hurt by Brandi, too.
Other Things we learned from this episode…
~~ YoYo was having issues with using Facetime on her phone call with Bella. The picture kept going sideways. After Bella tells her how to fix it – and YoYo successfully does so – Bella playfully screws with her own picture thus making it appear sideways again to YoYo. It was hilarious. We also find out that YoYo texts the girls the minute she wakes up in the morning and she wants to know when they’re home at night. She says they can do whatever they want in between time. Whoa… Is that what Mothers do these days? I guess, come to think of it, my roommate in college did call her Mom every day…I’m kind of feeling sorry for my Mom – I don’t think I talked to her much more than once a week when I was in school…
~~ YoYo’s son Anwar has really grown up. He is really going to be a heartbreaker. I must say, that I LOVE how after he ate a snack (or it could have been an entire meal, who knows? My definition of a meal is much different than YoYo’s)… that he automatically put his plate in the sink without being told. I really love that. I mean it’s such a normal kid thing to do – But you just never know what is expected of kids in these pampered environments. You’ll be happy to know that YoYo asked Anwar if he needed to take a snack along with him to soccer practice… She offered him “almonds”… Yes… not just ONE almond… but more than one!! I know, I was shocked, too! I guess she reserves the only “1-almond-per-serving” diet to her supermodel daughters.
~~ The day after the Poker Party, Brandi had a talk with her good friend Jennifer, who we know is familiar with issues of addiction. Unfortunately, I couldn’t really concentrate on what was being said because I was so distracted by the ginormous amount of plastic, Botox, and miscellaneous fillers the two of them had going on in their shiny, stretched faces. Jennifer, like Brandi, used to be so danged pretty…but holy cow… Reynolds called and they want their plastic wrap back!
~~ After seeing Lisa V’s closet for the first time – Complete with her “altars to purses” Eileen puts her hand out to give Lisa “Knucks”… The Royal Vanderpump does NOT know what Eileen is doing… So Eileen quickly taught Lisa a new word of the day. Eileen is shocked Lisa isn’t familiar with it…lol.. Btw… Knucks is just when two people put their hands in a fist with their thumbs facing down and then hit the flat part between the rows of knuckles together. I think the reason it confused Lisa V was because she couldn’t extend her little pinky.
Delusional Thought of the Episode…
At one point, in the Poker Night aftermath, Brandi “The Twit” says she thinks that Kyle is jealous that Brandi has been there for Kim for all this time – But at the same time she recognizes that Kyle doesn’t actually want the job. Brandi, you really ARE a twit… Don’t you see that Kyle has been taking care of Kim and all of her crap their entire lives? We found out last week that Kim and Kyle’s Mom never wanted to say anything about Kim’s alcoholism – It was this huge family secret (Which is actually quite common in the homes of alcoholics). Their mom died in 2002 so I’m not sure how long Kim has had these issues, but it’s been quite a while.
To be fair, I think their family lived predominantly off of Kim’s earnings all those years when she was a childhood actor. For kicks, I looked up the laws pertaining to this subject. If you aren’t particularly interested – just skip the next couple of paragraphs…(I know I would, depending on my mood…lol)… The California Child Actor’s Bill (also known as Coogan Act or Coogan Bill) was passed in response to Jackie Coogan’s situation. As a child actor, Jackie had earned millions of dollars but found out when he became an adult that his family had spent almost all of the money he had earned all those years. At that point of time, it was considered that all of the income generated by a child actor belonged solely to their parents. Even though the Coogan Bill was put into effect back in 1939 – It was a horribly flawed law that left huge, gaping loopholes without providing adequate protections for a child entertainer’s earnings. Finally, in 2000, changes in California law provided and determined that earnings by minors in the entertainment industry are the property of the minor, not their parents.
California Family Code, Section 6750, (http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/cgi-bin/displaycode?section=fam&group=06001-07000&file=6750-6753) defines child performers who provide artistic or creative services including, but not limited to, “services as an actor, actress, dancer, musician, comedian, singer, stunt-person, voice-over artist, or other performer or entertainer, or as a songwriter, musical producer or arranger, writer, director, producer, production executive, choreographer, composer, conductor, or designer.” I wonder where models fit in? I guess maybe they’re not considered to be in the “entertainment industry” but in private industry. I hope they have laws that protect their earnings, too.
Now, California law also safeguards a portion of a child actor’s earnings for when they enter adulthood. Not only are all the earnings a child makes considered their own earnings, but also their employer is required to set aside 15% of their gross earnings into a trust (Often called a “Coogan” account).
However, these safeguards were not in place when Kim and Kyle were kids. I think Kim has some really deep-seated anger about it. I also think Kyle has some deep-seated anger about always having to take care of Kim and I can only imagine that by now she’s really tired of it. Heck, I’m tired of watching it. Kim expects everyone to cater to her every need – She is the REAL princess of this franchise – and not in a good way (No offense to good and noble princesses, like our own Princess Pindy and DJ Princess!).
Quotes of the episode…
“I rode in the car with Kim on the way out to Malibu…Nutso… Cuckoo-bird for Cocoa Puffs… Like out of her fucking mind.” Lisa R regarding her crazy car ride to Eileen’s house for Poker Night.
“You know I like Brandi – but she’s a drunk… She needs rehab.” Lisa R says to Kyle in the car ride home from Poker Night.
“Can’t we all just get along? A simple little poker game…” Vince “My Boyfriend” says to Eileen “That Tramp that I love” while they’re decompressing after the horrific Poker Night.
“So Rumpy went to school – He had his nuts chopped off and then he got married… Normally, it’s the other way around.” Lisa says of Rumpy’s romance with the beautiful Avery.
“This bitch is easy to deal with… Unlike some others in my life.” Lisa V says of Avery, her new female golden retriever.
“If I throw a bad party – I’m a bad person.” Lisa R being honest about the pressure she puts on herself when she throws a party of any kind.
“How can you not love a house with swans?” Eileen says of Lisa V’s amazing home. Eileen visits Lisa to clue her in on the happenings at the Poker Night.
“It seems that Brandi is addicted to chaos – And it’s just negative energy that creates bad feelings and you just want to stay away from it.” This statement of Eileen’s in her TH completely nails Brandi. Why, yes, Eileen… We ALL want to stay away from her… Can you please make that happen?
Kim tells Kyle that she doesn’t remember everything from the Poker Night. Kyle doesn’t seem to understand why. Brandi tells Kim that she was just trying to protect Kim from her sister. Lisa has a talk with her son, Max, who asks her what his last name was before he was adopted by them. Lisa’s warning bells are going off that he wants to find his biological family. Rut roh… As an adoptee, I’m gonna have all kinds of opinions on this topic… This is a warning…lol… Brandi and Kim walk into Kyle’s “Gay Mixer” – and Kyle tells Brandi point blank that she wasn’t invited. Brandi makes a jab to Kyle about Kyle’s husband. Fun times ahead. Wow.
Well, that’s it for this episode… Thanks for reading… Have a most excellent week! Happy Trails!