Bloggers Needed at LynnFam
Lynnfam welcomes new and returning bloggers to take as shot at recapping any of the new or returning shows listed below. Please send me an email if you are interested. firstname.lastname@example.org
|Shahs of Sunset||Starts Tonight|
|The NewlyWeds – The First Year||Starts Tuesday|
|The Real Housewives of Melbourne||Starts Thursday|
|Blood, Sweat and Heels||March 29|
|Million Dollar Listing New York||April 15|
Real Housewives of Melbourne Season One – Episodes Three to Six by Veena
As a review – our housewives are:
- Gina Liano is a barrister who wears way too much makeup. She tries to coordinate her thick streaks of eye liner with her purses. She reminds me of a caricature of a barbie-hooker. She tells us that both her sisters have fashion lines, and she loves things that are sparkly. Think Barbie-Hooker-Jersey girl. She says people seem surprised that she’s a lawyer (barrister), and when she’s wearing her barrister outfit she looks like a stripper dressing up as a judge. She is a single mother of two and lives in Toorak, which is described as the Beverly Hills of Australia. Gina has been dating a guy for 8 years, but he recently moved to Florida, and they’ve been apart for six months.
- Lydia Schiavello is married to Australian architect Andrew Norbury. She is studying interior design and decoration at RMIT University. They are a virtual Brady Bunch (not) with six children between them. Lydia is strangely inappropriate, and lets out a continual string of sexual references to bondage, S&M, etc. It’s just a little disconcerting when she jokes about stuff like that with her adult step-son, and I have no idea where that story line is going. This couple loves to fly (he’s the pilot of their small plane) and heads off to ski every weekend. Lydia and Gina have been friends for 8 years.
- Janet Roach is a property developer. She is a mother of two adult sons and is recently divorced from her second husband who was 15 years her senior. Janet has a Sonja Morgan (first season) vibe to her. She’s very put together – never washes her hair at home – goes to the salon three or four times a week – and stylish. Money doesn’t seem to be an issue (but is it ever when we first meet the ladies?).
- Andrea Moss is a former New York City television journalist who now lives in Toorak. She runs a plastic surgery and cosmetic medicine business, Liberty Belle Skin Centre, with her husband, Dr Chris Moss, who is the ultimate plastic surgeon in Australia for the rich and famous. They have three young children (10,8, and 5) and up to five nannies at their beck and call. How can you have “up to” five nannies – are they part of a nanny service club? Andrea is really into product branding, so we see a lot of her at their works. She is described as very well organized – which means she makes lists of things for everything. The nannies have to follow her lists or they are OUT. The lists are pretty detailed but basic, such as unpack the lunch boxes and hang up the school uniforms when the kids change into play clothes. She thinks there is a market for her lists and plans to put them in a mommies who hire nannies book. Really? A market for that? She isn’t returning for a Season Two of this show.
- Jackie Gillies is a psychic – what we’d probably call a medium in the US; she is a portal for spirits. She can also pick up on what will happen next. She is the wife of Silverchair drummer and Bento front man, Ben Gillies. She introduces Ben almost in the same way Teresa introduced Juicy to viewers – it’s clear she loves, loves, loves him. He’s absolutely adorable and funny, and loves, loves, loves her. Jackie is just 30 and far younger than the rest of the group. She’s also brand spanking new to Melbourne, having just moved there for the show – and doesn’t have a foot in the door in Melbourne society.
- Chyka Keebaugh is the owner of three event companies, The Big Group, The Design Depot and Capital Kitchen. She’s been married to her husband and business partner since she was 20, and has a Lisa Vanderpump business sense vibe. She’s put together, bright, and determined to brand. She had two children, a daughter in the US, and a son still in school.
Episodes Four to Seven
In the mid-part of season one, and the housewives have moved from the forming (getting to know each other) stage of their relationship to the storming phase. If history is to be repeated, they’ll remain in the storming part until the show is over – and never reach the norming where they learn to work together. But the battle lines shift a little as each of the ladies takes a turn at hosting events.
First up we have parallel events as Lydia hosts Jackie and Andrea for a ski weekend at the Thredbo ski resort. Lydia keeps talking about how she flies there all the time, but for some reason she made Jackie and Andrea fly to the “nearby” airport two and a half hours away and drive to the resort. Neither of the ladies are skiers – Jackie has never been on skis in her life, and Andrea has only skied three or four times fifteen years ago – but I guess they were the only ones willing to try. They probably spent more time picking out outfits from Lydia’s vast collection. Jackie picked something bright and colorful and looked great; conservative Andrea went for the designer label, and looked boring in black. Apparently Lydia’s husband showers her with the latest ski gear from Europe. I find it funny that dress designers even have skiware – I was always under the impression that name brands like Patagonia (PataGuici) would be better than Prada – but what do I know. But really, this was just an excuse for Andrea to insult Gina behind her back, and she really lets loose, and although Andrea pretty much said the same stuff I observed about Gina’s caked on makeup and drag queen look, it was mean when she said it, but snarky when I said it, because I’m a hypocrite. Oh – and Andrea’s closet is lame lame lame – not any bigger than any of ours. We also learn that Andrea has never left her entire family for an overnight, and that her husband Andrew is very excited for her to be gone for a few nights so that he can party with the kids – and by party he means break out the chips and pizza because Andrea keeps him on a short leash. Deep sigh.
The other group is with Janet as she prepares for her first date since her divorce. Janet says she’s too old to be a cougar and describes herself as a saber tooth tiger. Her date is 35, she’s 55, and her ex husband is 70. I guess she doesn’t have a type. Chyka and Gina style her for the date, then stalk her – remember the scene where Jaq and Tree hid while Danielle had her fake date in S1 of Jersey – it was like that – only not because Janet’s date was real. She brings him back to a fancy suite and gets her pipes cleaned, and the next day hosts a high tea for the two ladies to fill them in. At that point the three at the ski lodge are downing shots excited after a day at the slopes, and give them a phone call to get filled in on Janet’s action. Janet invites them all to her birthday party.
Birthday party. The ladies meet for drinks (all except Lydia who is skiing). Andrea and Jackie go off to the side to discuss how awful Gina is. When they get back, Janet asks them what they were talking about. Andrea asks the ladies a hypothetical question – if someone has something to tell you about your behavior, would you like to hear it? Janet, Chyka and Gina say yes – if it was done discreetly and not in a group – so Andrea proceeds to school Gina on her behavior. She accuses her of ruining Jackie’s housewarming party, and Gina points out that Ben was the first to bring up her issues with Jackie. Playback shows she’s telling the truth while Jackie denies it. Anyhow, Gina’s had enough and goes to the toilet to get out of the line of fire. Janet goes as well because she’s done with that topic. They have a little talk in the loo, but when they return to the table the other three are still talking about it, and Janet asks them to stop beating a dead horse. Chyka points out that Andrea was guilty of doing just what she accused Gina of – disrupting a party over petty drama. But all is not lost. After a drink or two they head to a nightclub for gay/drag queen night and dance the night away. Gina is in her element with the drag queens, and looks to them for make up and dress inspiration. The club has a long line to get in, but the ladies breeze past – it turns out Janet’s son runs the place and her first ex owns it. We see Ben table dancing with Janet – when did he get there? He’s soooo cute.
There are also a montage of individual scenes cut into the group drama – the most interesting:
Andrea and some book guy are running a focus group with a bunch of working mothers. Andrea presents her book idea and her lists – and they go over like a lead balloon. She ignores their constructive feedback, and says they are just disorganized. They basically tell her that she’s treating her nannies poorly, and making them take on a lot of the work either she or a housekeeper should take on.
Chyka and her husband Bruce go out for a romantic date. It’s very very awkward – he’s just not great on camera, but I’ll give him an A for effort. After some very stilted small talk during dinner, he takes her to an amusement park to ride the merry-go-round. He’s booked the entire thing just for the two of them – awwww. And in another Chyka scene, she’s feeding her son and three friends after some sort of sports practice. The boys are so well behaved and engaged as she serves them a gourmet meal. The best part was when she sat down to eat with them. She’s definitely getting the best edit.
Ben and Jackie also get a lot of camera time. Ben is a natural, and I’m still crushing. He’s just soooooo adorable and fun. He hires an artist to work with Jackie on the label for their tequila/cocktail bottles. The artist has sketched out a huge face in black and white, and lets Jackie loose with a bunch of paint and flowers to “modern art” it. She goes nuts and it actually looks great. They also have a scene where Ben has to sit on the bed while Jackie gets dressed up for a night on the town. He tells us that it’s a pain to get her out the door, but once they are on their way she relaxes and has fun. This couple is made for television – give them their own show.
There’s a scene where Lydia and a friend are buying art. She settles on either a huge glittery brown bear, or a huge glittery black panther. The panther is $45 k and the bear is $65 k. I’d say both are statement pieces and kind of cool.
There was also a coffee date where Gina apologized to Jackie, and another one where Andrea talked shit behind Gina’s back about Gina talking shit behind her back. Andrea is really getting the Jill Zarin edit.
Next group event tennis at Andrea’s beach house, which isn’t on a beach – but could possibly be near a beach. The ladies are invited for a tennis match, and they all show up in their various outfits. Janet looks chic. Jackie looks rock and roll. Andrea looks like she found her outfit in the back of her closet in the bag she had prepared for goodwill. Andrea spends a lot of time telling us how impressive her beach house that is not on the beach costs. She’s beginning to give off a Jill Zarin vibe. The main drama is Gina shows up an hour late, and then spends an hour in the bathroom getting ready. When she finally graces them with her presence she is wearing a cute tennis outfit and stilettos. No one is impressed, and Janet is actually seething mad. We also learn that Janet can not stand Lydia because she’s an air head, but this is the first time we’ve seen Janet really mad at anyone. Andrea is also mad because she’s worried Gina’s stilettos will puncture her special tennis court. I’m actually not sure why they waited for her, because there was only one court and they had to wait for the tennis pro. It was more like a lesson than a match. Andrea of course is almost a pro and shows off her backhand and spin, and Lydia is also pretty good, but is a really irritating teacher. To top off the bad day, Andrea finds out that Gina has made a complete mess of her guest bathroom, with make up and spray tan smeared everywhere.
So the final event from in Melborne is a salsa dance lesson organized by Jackie. The ladies were told that they could bring partners, or they’d have partners provided for them. None of the husbands except Ben showed up. After the hot dance teacher and Janet slithered through the moves – she really is a Sonja Morgan sans the sloppy drunk part – the ladies all took turns. Gina slithered over Ben a bit, and he looked embarrassed – but I don’t think Jackie is one bit insecure so all was okay. Then they all got partners – Gina’s was about two feet shorter than her and 50 pounds lighter (and she’s not a big woman)- but she was a good sport.
Episode seven is the first part of the “away” trip for the ladies at a resort near Cairns Queensland. I have no idea what time of year this is, but they have the entire resort to themselves, so I wonder if it was shoulder season and supposed to be closed – otherwise how could that possibly be arranged? They fly to an airport – wait for Gina’s plane to arrive (why did she take another plane?) then helicopter over to the resort. Tensions are still high between the ladies, and Andrea and Lydia get Janet riled up for a confrontation with Gina. I’m not sure what Jackie’s angle is – she’s always there when they are griping about Gina, but she’s not egging them on or diffusing things – she’s just there. Anyhow, they get through their first evening and the next day morning and afternoon without much drama, but a lot of behind the back bitching. Janet tells Chyka a very emotional story about her youngest son being burned over 70 percent of his body and surviving. Thank goodness he’s doing well now. They also get a yoga lesson and some of them go for a walk along a nature trail.
At dinner the tranquility ends, when first Janet, and then Andrea and Lydia confront Gina about all their issues. Janet’s issue was that Gina was late, and Gina explains that she had let production know she was running late but the message wasn’t passed on. But then it became a feeding frenzy – it was like everyone piling on Alexis on their away trip for OC – and Andrea in particular was livid. It turns out that Gina sent an email to someone threating a C&D unless they stopped talking about a certain subject. She cc’d Andrea and Lydia, and they thought it was a veiled threat. Gina tells them they are stupid to think that – and the cc was just to let them know what was going on. Andrea almost pops a vein as she goes after Gina, but Gina handled it well – got through the dinner – packed up her things – and left early the next morning without saying a word to any of them. I will say that Chyka tried to put an end to it but Andrea and Lydia ignored her. Jackie didn’t say much either. Deep sigh. I hate the gang up. But I’m enjoying the show.
Real Housewives of Atlanta – Hello Mr Chocolate by RamonaCoaster
Apollo is taping himself and giving a message to viewers that he will be entering the penitentiary and he will hear from him shortly? Dude! You’ll be in federal prison! You are not Lindsay Lohan! Does 8 years seem like a short time?
Phaedra is dragging her own suitcases down a flight of steps of her hotel room where she stayed when Apollo went ballistic and greets her two bodyguards that are dressed like they are in the Sopranos. Did Cynthia help cast these two? Oh, probably not because Phaedra is not getting along with Cynthia so she went to another casting company. I guess the mother of Mr. President needs to take the service elevator and have a motorcade consisting of Phaedra’s white Mercedes because her life is in that much danger. Phaedra accidently bumps her head on the door of the limo. The two Soprano guys are nice enough to offer to take in the bags after they fake checked the house for security reasons. Phaedra complains to her assistant that the house needs an exorcism because it’s all Apollo’s fault that the bad, crazy energy is in the house. Phaedra wants to kill Apollo with her bare hands, embalm him, cremate him and flush him down the toilet. She has clearly been thinking about this. Aiden is upset and needs therapy because he is afraid that the cops will get Apollo.
Kandi and Todd are on the set of Kandi Koated Nights talking about their non-sex lives. Todd has been so busy he hasn’t been able to cut his hair and has been growing an Afro. He apparently also has been too busy to try to make a baby. Kandi wants to go to therapy. The business and the sex don’t seem to mix in their relationship. They are unable to switch gears. Kandi wears a bonnet to bed and it doesn’t turn Todd on so maybe leave the bonnet and the business out of bed.
Cynthia, Claudia and Kenya do a wine tasting with cheese and fruit at a restaurant. I want to try some mango cheese. Kenya mentions the craziness with Apollo turning himself in. Cynthia has some gossip on the subject. Always good to have Peter around for these moments. I think that was the plan from the beginning. He makes friends with the husband and boyfriend so he can get the dirt and then tell his wife so she can make the most of the information. Too bad Peter wasn’t a female. He’d do a better job as a housewife. Cynthia tells them about the alleged text messages Phaedra received from Mr. Chocolate that Apollo found on her phone. Kenya starts crying about how Phaedra called her a whore and meanwhile she was cheating on her husband with Mr. Chocolate.
Don’t you love how these ladies believe Apollo is telling the truth when it is convenient for them? Pick a lie, any lie!
Phaedra is at home with her boys when the people from 1-800-EXORCISM come in to chase away the evil spirits. The boys seem to find it interesting. Phaedra feels the energy shifting in the house.
Cynthia tells Peter she is going to dinner with the girls. Cynthia thinks she is neutral. Not anymore sweetheart. She is Team Kenya for now. Cynthia brings up that Phaedra never apologized to Kenya for calling her a whore. Peter brings up the allegations of Phaedra and Mr. Chocolate. Todd knows the situation as well. Peter is right when he says this information has nothing to do with them but Cynthia said if something similar was being said she would want to know.
Kandi visits Phaedra’s home to find out what’s going on with Apollo. Phaedra tells him how aggressive he was. Phaedra tells Kandi that she feels good that Apollo went to jail. Phaedra does comment that Kandi has been absent and Nene has been calling Phaedra every day as a friend. Nene has been a good friend and Kandi hasn’t. Kandi invites her to dinner with the girls so there can be more drama for the gossip fodder.
The ladies meet at a churrascaria. Yum! All that roasted meat on a spit. Who’s gonna get roasted tonight? Kenya flirts with the waiter and Porsha comments that it’s sad but now she can get as much tap water as she wants. Seriously, Porsha sounds like she is proud that she gets more for her efforts with the opposite sex. Nene is still wearing her blonde ramen noodle wig. It may look awful but at least paparazzi can spot her a block away which is probably why she wears it.
Cynthia brings up the situation but she hems and haws like Alex from NY housewives. (In my nasally Jill Zarin voice) Just say it, Cynthia! Say it! Finally she spits it out that Phaedra is dating an African guy while she is married and Apollo has the text messages on Phaedra’s phone to prove it. You can’t walk around Atlanta without tripping over an African man. Phaedra brings up the Apollo’s text messages to Kenya was a lie. So if that was a lie then he lied about the Mr. Chocolate text messages. Kenya jumps in because she has an axe to grind. Kenya brings up Mr. Chocolate and when Phaedra asks who Mr. Chocolate is, Kenya says he is the man that Phaedra has been having an affair with. Phaedra gets up to lunge and swing her pocketbook at Kenya. Did she put an anvil in there? Porsha of all people gets up to stop Phaedra. Phaedra asks someone to escort her out. Porsha and Nene go with her. Kandi follows after waiting a few moments.
Kenya screams that Phaedra has been calling her a whore for two years and it’s coming back to Phaedra. Nene is angry as well. Porsha says Apollo is willing to tear Phaedra down at whatever costs.
Any of these women, married or not, can easily be called a whore and have some lie made up about them.
Phaedra says the hens can cluck if they want to but she will take them into the slaughter house and chop their heads off if they need to. Nene is screaming at Kenya about apologizing and waving a finger and saying “you’re right” and how they are going backwards. Why do I bother writing what Nene is screaming about? She is like a machine gun that shoots out words.