Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Amster-Damn Slap” – S5E17
Note: The last couple of episodes have been filled with quotable quotes and several “I Kid You Not” moments that have been way too numerous to organize separately as I usually do. Hopefully, once everyone starts to act civilly towards each other again we can return to the other kind of format…lol. But I’m not holding my breath – I suggest that you don’t either. Please remember there’s lots of cussin’ and some adult things said – So read at your own risk. Oh, and I kind of threw around words like “rubbish” and “assumptions, innuendo, and gossip.” I just couldn’t help myself for some reason. But it could all just be irresponsible conjecture on my part. Holla!
Remember Last Week…
A real glass was thrown… Yo’s old flame was unknown… And they all got stoned.
Let’s get on with the rubbish, shall we? Please let me know if my irresponsible conjecture is too loud for you, mmkay? It’s morning and Kim and Brandi are wide awake, dressed and ready for the day. However, they are the only two waiting in the lobby for the others. Color me oh so surprised that people aren’t eager to hang out with the two of them. Kim is bellyaching about how she only has been getting 4 or 5 hours sleep per night for the last couple of nights and that she needs 9 hours for at least one night. Puhleeze. Now I know different people need different amounts sleep in order to function – but I know PLENTY of people who would kill to get 4 or 5 hours of sleep in a row at night. And seriously, I don’t know many adults who consistently get 9 hours… I mean that concept is so far out of my reality it’s positively laughable. Ha!
Lisa V walks into the lobby with Lisa R close on her vanderpumps and Kim welcomes Lisa V with, “What’s up, Stoner?” Cuz, you know, last episode, Lisa V was the first one to eat a piece of “space cake.” Yet we also remember that everyone except Kyle and maybe Yolanda seemed to also join on the feast of one piece split between the whole group. The magnificent beauty of this scene is that without even knowing it – Lisa V rubs salt in Kim’s sleepy wound by saying that even though she only had one bite of the “space cake” that she slept soundly for 7 hours… and Lisa R jumped on the sleepy bandwagon and said she slept for 8 hours. I think I prolly shouldn’t have laughed so hard at that… but I did.
Lisa R asked if Brandi and Kim if they would prefer to go shopping and sightseeing by themselves? Oh no… of COURSE not… They will go with the group. Eileen walks into the lobby and directly into the Twilight Zone and finds out everyone is going shopping and pretending and acting like nothing went on the night before. And because Eileen’s normal – She wonders how that is even possible? And THIS is coming from the only actress currently working on a soap opera…lol. Eileen says it’s like she walked into an insane asylum with all these women… but they all have really nice shoes and purses.
Eileen turns down their rubbish offer for her to go shopping with the rest of them and says that instead she will stay and go with Kyle and Yolanda. Whew, I think Eileen dodged a bullet on that one – but then that would be pure irresponsible conjecture on my part.
In Yolanda’s hotel room, Yo explains to Kyle that she woke up feeling bummed out about what happened the day before. Yolanda’s body continues its battle against Lyme disease and I can’t even imagine having to deal with that AND with certain people’s wackadoo behavior. I mean, Yolanda describes her brain as generally being fuzzy at this point – and it just must be hard to separate out this groups’ wackadoodleness from an already fuzzy state of brain. Yolanda is recognizing that she can’t keep up with everyone like she used to and is wisely going to take a day to just rest. This is her new normal. I also think she just doesn’t want to be seen with any of them in the daylight. I can’t say that I blame her. Yolanda starts lecturing Kyle about how she needs to take responsibility for her situation with Kim. I don’t agree with that at all. It would be nice to see Kim take responsibility for something… Anything… Anything at all…
Kyle joins Eileen who has been waiting in the lobby and tells her that Yo woke up not feeling well. Plus, Kyle explains, Yo feels like she’s being pulled in two different directions. Eileen thinks it’s a sign that Yo is mentally very stable because she’s chosen to stay away from all the nuttiness. We all know Yo limits her nuts to one nut per meal – Or perhaps that’s just almonds….
Eileen and Kyle go to a museum. They have fun. Go figure!
Lisa V tells us that she is looking for a little wooden shoe with a 6 inch heel. If it exists – I bet she’ll find it… Lisa R says, “I like to sightsee, I like to go to museums… See the windmills and the tulips, and the canals – All of it – But I REALLY like to shop.” And she really doesn’t want to rehash what went on the night before. It seems she’s all for sweeping it under a very lumpy rug. But on the good news side of things, she found the brightest neon green rubber boot you’ve ever seen in your lives…
Our foursome of shoppers make their way into a store that looks like a “Fredericks of Amsterdam” – It’s a slutty lingerie shop with adult toys and other ummmm stuff… Hanging on the wall was an assortment of pasties (with tassels) and they pick out who should wear each one… Brandi finds some cheeky (or I should say, “cheekless”) panties. Lisa V takes one look at them and says, “Oh god, no – What’s the point of that?”
They find a table of dildos and vibrators… And in a stunning turnaround from the brutal argument just the night before between the two of them – Kim holds one up right against Lisa R’s chest and throat and says, “This one you can get an orgasm while I clean your tonsils.” Wow… Okay, okay, okay – I know they’re just goofing off – and I’m sure I would say very inappropriate things in a store like that – but my neck really hurts from the severe whiplash I suffered from this abrupt turnaround of attitude… But perhaps someone has a pill I can take for the pain… You know – Allegedly and stuff. Wait, was that an innuendo based on gossip? Nope… And I have the footage to prove it.
Eileen and Kyle feel like they’re on the outside of the group now. They talk about how it’s fine that Lisa R and Kim have made up – But that the two of them were also caught in the crossfire of last night’s brutal argument. Kyle asks Eileen to tell her honestly if she thinks Kyle did something wrong to her sister. Eileen tells her that Kim is just mad at Kyle because Kyle didn’t defend her. Kyle clues in Eileen that Yolanda was the one who had asked Kim to make up with Lisa R – but that nothing was said about making up with the rest of them.
Later in the day, Lisa R and Eileen sit down together because you know – Unlike the rest of them – They’re actually friends. They start to talk about their experiences of the day. Eileen says that she’s been in shock for the last day and a half. Lisa R clarified, “After what happened with me?” Eileen explains, “Well, with us.” This seems to take Lisa R a bit by surprise. Eileen expounds by saying that while Lisa R may now be somehow okay with Kim that neither she nor Kyle have had any resolution with Kim.
Lisa R starts to explain how they’re not really okay – But that it’s not like she ever has to hang out with her or call her… Eileen quickly points out that Lisa R hung out with Kim that very day. Lisa R tries to describe the situation – She says that it’s like Kim knows it’s not okay and she knows it’s not okay… Eileen interrupts her train of thought and says that Kim doesn’t know it’s not okay because Eileen hasn’t heard a peep from Kim about it. Lisa R wants Eileen to say something directly to Kim. Eileen is very confused. Unfortunately, Eileen launches into the old and tired “Real Housewife” syndrome about how she had Lisa R’s back but she doesn’t feel like Lisa R had her back.
Truer words have never been spoken when Lisa R says, “You can’t talk to someone who isn’t completely rational.” Lisa R explains that she is in survival mode and that she’s tortured on the inside. Eileen was confused because from the outside it looked like to her that Lisa R was completely okay with everything. Lisa R hopes she isn’t coming across as being insensitive. Eileen says, “The behavior was heinous… And to just say now we’re going to move on because I don’t want to ruffle anymore feathers is a fucking bunch of BS.”
Yolanda has arranged for them all to go on a lovely sunset dinner cruise to explore the canals. As all the women are seated around one small table waiting for dinner, Yolanda says that she heard that everyone had a wonderful day – And she prompts them to say if it was fun or not. I think Yo just wants everyone to fall in love with Amsterdam like she has. Now, I don’t know if it was just weird editing or what – but everyone acted all wonky and awkwardly silent about the question. However, during the day, everyone seemed to having a fun time – at least it did to me. Perhaps they were just nervous because they knew the alcohol was soon gonna flow… And that one or more of them could easily wind up in a canal before the evening was over.
When Kyle sat down next to them, Lisa R explains to her about her decision to go shopping rather than go to the museum with Kyle and Eileen. She tells Kyle she needed a diversion. It seemed to me like Lisa R was explaining why at the last minute she switched teams and went shopping… Eileen brushes it off and says “Whatever, it’s a little bit confusing right now.” Everyone is nervously looking around at everyone else and Lisa V says, “All is fine, dahling…” Kyle mockingly mouths to Lisa V from across the table, “Everything’s fine???” Lisa V audibly says, “It has to be.” Kyle corrects her, “It is not fine.”
Lisa tells Kyle in her TH that everyone is pretending everything is fine and it’s working out…lol… But Kyle does NOT understand how they can be all lovey-dovey and pretend like they didn’t say the things they said or did the things they did. In her TH she says, “What is this, the ‘Love Boat?’”
Kyle tries to walk away from them but they’re not on a very big boat. Yolanda goes over to Kyle and tries to talk to her about it. Of course, they’re only like 15 feet away from the rest of the table and I’m sure everyone can hear everything that’s being said. After Lisa V excuses herself from the table, leaving only Lisa R, Eileen, Kim and Brandi – and piggybacking on the conversation going on a few feet away, Eileen says, “I’d love to talk about it.”
Brandi said they could talk about it. She tells Eileen that she’s “been a dick” to Eileen on several different occasions and she cites the specifics of throwing wine at her and saying something about her house and that the figurines and furnishings were creepy… In her TH, Eileen says, “Well then congratulations for owning it – You know you’re an asshole.” That, my friends, is NOT irresponsible conjecture – It’s a logical conclusion.
Brandi says, “BUT having said that… When people speak about me behind my back saying I’m an alcoholic…” Eileen says, “I never said you were an alcoholic – Not that I recall… If I did, then I’m very sorry.” Eileen explains there are certain things and words that she purposefully doesn’t use because it’s too much of a slippery slope. Brandi says that she’s been told by a couple of people that “the girls have been talking.”
Eileen tells Brandi that what she has said was that Brandi is mean when she drinks – But that she doesn’t think that could be any big revelation to Brandi. Eileen knows she couldn’t be the first one to ever say that about Brandi. Brandi says, “Kind of.” Okay, on the count of 3 we all should do a collective eye roll… 1-2-3 (insert gratuitous eye roll here). It’s CLEAR Brandi has memory issues because this certainly can’t be the first time she’s heard this, right? And she clearly has never read anyone’s blog…lol. Not even a blog that’s, “Rubbish – Every word is based on assumptions, innuendo, and gossip.”
Brandi seems to think Eileen is making her conclusions based on what others have said about her. Eileen quickly says that she’s seen it firsthand. Brandi thinks it’s only based on one time. Eileen thinks that at the PokerGate 2015®™© that Brandi was verbally aggressive. Kim attempts to imply that Eileen said “things about” Brandi at the “Sister Summit” Eileen hosted. Eileen asks Kim if she even remembers what she said (Oh snap!). Eileen tells Brandi that all she said was that she respects that Brandi is Kim’s friend but that Brandi says things that make Kim and Kyle not get along. Kim insists, “No you said other things about her.” But of course, Kim can’t think of anything else she said. I honestly can’t either. Brandi tries to get all insightful and says, “These are relationships that go back years and years.” Eileen shoots back, “Well, my relationship with you is brand new and you’ve been mean.” (OooooOOOo Another snap!) Brandi says, “And I appreciate that… and I agree with you… and I apologize.” Eileen says, “Thank you and I accept that.” (Awww… Kumbayah…) Eileen then tells Kim that she has no problem with Brandi knowing what Eileen has said about Brandi. Because of course, Eileen is an adult and only says stuff about Brandi behind her back that she would say to her face or has said to her face.
Kim again goes into the whole, “If my friends and family were concerned they would come to me and no one has.”… And Brandi just sits there quietly and doesn’t say a freaking word about how truly concerned she is with Kim’s condition. By the way, on several occasions, Lisa R could have EASILY hung Brandi out to dry by quoting what Brandi said about Kim during the “Kim Summit” between just the two of them. But she doesn’t – Because she’s an adult and she doesn’t want to unnecessarily hurt Kim. But that’s probably just pure irresponsible conjecture on my part.
Eileen has had enough and says, “You know, Kim – Sue me for giving a damn.” Brandi then goes on and says, “But if you say something that is life-changing about someone else and could possibly ruin their lives…” Eileen wonders what on earth she said that was life-changing about someone else that could ruin their lives. Eileen says, “Are you kidding me?” She then tells Kim not to roll her eyes at her and to tell her what she’s said. Eileen beats Kim to the punch and says that if she said anything that would ruin Kim’s life that she’s sorry and that wasn’t her intention. Kim talks about how she’s worked so hard at her sobriety and she doesn’t want Eileen to unravel it. Oh Kim, you’ve been the one that’s unraveled that knit sweater and you’d better hope that Kansas Girl is available to help knit it back together again. Yolanda believes Eileen’s apology is coming from a good place but she recognizes that Kim’s just not accepting it.
Seemingly, in an effort to point out that everyone has their own flaws, Brandi points to each person one by one and says something negative. Brandi starts out by pointing at Lisa V and says, “If anyone needs help with sleeping with half of L.A. (She then says she’s kidding – I wonder if Ken will think she’s funny…)… Next up is Kim and she says, “Taking every pill in the world”… She points to herself and says, “Clearly, drinking way too much”… She points to Yolanda and says, “Being overly bossy”… She gets to Lisa R and says, “You not eating” and then she gets to Eileen and says, “And you being a homewrecker.” Eileen says, “Don’t fucking call me a homewrecker… Don’t go down the road – Don’t bring it up, Brandi.” Eileen tells Brandi to stop and says, “Man, we were this close to getting along.” Kim in her TH says that Brandi was just trying to make a joke and that everyone should just lighten up and have some fun.
Brandi says that it’s not a joke to her either when people say she has a drinking problem. Eileen again clarifies that she never said Brandi had a drinking problem but that she said that she’s mean when she drinks. Lol… Brandi talks about how her feelings are hurt when people say that she drinks too much, that she’s an alcoholic, or that she’s mean when she drinks. Kyle says that’s not been her issue with Brandi.
Yolanda quietly gets up and leaves the noise of the table to go and sit at the formal dinner table that’s already set and ready with their food already served. Lisa V joins her and she’s complaining about what Brandi said about her sleeping with half of L.A… Lisa V says that she’s been faithful to her husband all these 32 years… Yolanda motions for Eileen to also come over to the dinner table and she moves people’s dinners around so Eileen can sit next to her. Yolanda tells Eileen that she recognizes that Eileen has apologized several times to Kim but she’s just not receiving it. Eileen is done with her apologies to Kim.
One by one everyone joins Yolanda at the dinner table while leaving Kyle, Brandi and Kim arguing about their issues. Accusations are flying… Excuses are flying… Pretend gang signs are being thrown… And in yet another moment when Brandi tries to be a badass she says, “Vice versa homey.” Kyle tells Brandi that she fucks people over. Brandi gets animated and gestures a lot like she’s mocking Kyle but then she says that Kyle hits people. Kyle immediately says she has never hit anyone in her life.
Evidently, Brandi thinks that grabbing and pointing and gesturing is the same as hitting. They agree not to be friends but they wish each other’s children well. Kyle leaves and says, “We are done.” Brandi inexplicably tries lamely to be an urban badass (complete with gesture) and says, “Deuces motherfuckers.” Kim cries and says she didn’t want to argue with her sister. Umm… you weren’t, Kim – You just sat there like you always do and watched Brandi argue with Kyle. So Kim – Did you defend Kyle? No, of course not. It’s not like you currently have the capacity to be a “real sister” to Kyle or anything. I bet Kathy is more of a REAL sister to Kyle than you are or ever have been. How does it feel when someone says that to you? Not so great, no? Imagine how Kyle felt the other night… You ungrateful gooberhead.
Now that everyone is sitting at the dinner table (Hopefully they’ll all start acting like adults) they try to shake off the bad, negative energy. First, they try by taking a deep breath all in unison – And when the boat starts to list to the starboard side – Brandi waves her witchy-poo fingers and says, “Hocus Pocus – Change our focus.” Brandi has the idea to go around the table one by one and say one thing they really like about the each person. Because you know, just 2 minutes ago when Brandi went around the table and said really ugly things about everyone – It really worked out well, right?
Eileen wasn’t too confident about this idea but was assured that there wouldn’t be any negativity at all. They started with Eileen and everyone was playing nicely and said nice things. But when it was Brandi’s turn to comment about Eileen, all she said was that she liked her eyes. Really, Brandi? That’s what you come up with?
Everyone but Brandi seems to be actually using this as an opportunity to say some heartfelt things to each other – Some were even moved to tears. But Brandi was playing a different game than everyone else and instead she just passive aggressively kept saying superficial crap even about her close friend Yolanda. After she said she liked everything about Yolanda – Brandi said the best thing about Yolanda was her waistline. Wow… And this is your close friend? Yikes! To Lisa V she said she had great tits. She tells Kyle that she likes her hair. Lisa V calls Brandi out on her obvious superficiality… lol…
Brandi says in her TH that she compliments the women only their looks because their insides aren’t as pretty as their outsides. Wow. Pot… Meet kettle. She is semi-nice to Lisa R but I think it’s only because she’s askeered of her. All the rest of them say some really kind things to each other that seem to be meant from the heart. People really start to tear up because you can see how much even these few words of validation and affirmation mean to them.
Okay, let’s just stop her for a moment – Brandi thinks she’s being so sly and playing this big joke on everyone by just complementing their looks. But Brandi – You ARE the joke. You are not a comedienne… You are a JOKE. We are not laughing with you… We are laughing AT you. Get a grip! There’s gotta be a kinder Brandi somewhere deep inside of you… Let her out! Free the kind Brandi! Free the kind Brandi!
Like a 6-year-old, Brandi runs off to the bathroom when it’s her turn for people to say nice things about her all the while yelling about how the game is over, yadda yadda yadda (No offense to 6-year-olds). I would go on about how immature this is but that could be construed as being “Irresponsible conjecture.” How about the fact that Brandi looked like an idiot. It’s just so wonky that you’re the one who came up with the exercise… You didn’t even fully participate and say real things to the others… and then you run and hide. Seriously, 6-year-olds could have come up with something of more depth than Brandi did. Brandi is really screwed up and she needs to figure it out…Fast!
As they’re disembarking they’re all talking about how this was kind of like the “Love Boat” – but different. Brandi calls for the bartender “Isaac”… And then explains who “Cruise Director” Julie is – Because Brandi said Julie got to kiss everyone. Brandi and Lisa V are walking out together – And Brandi blathers on about how she wants to demonstrate on Lisa how Julie used to kiss people on “The Love Boat” since Lisa V said she has never seen the show. Brandi starts playing around with Lisa V trying to kiss her and even pushes her at one point. Everyone else is leaving or has left the boat. Lisa V tells Brandi not to do it because she will slap Brandi if she does. Lisa V underestimated how much of a turn on a slap would be to Brandi. Brandi tries to get Lisa V to slap her. Brandi says, “If you hit me – I’ll hit you back.” Lisa V tells Brandi (who is towering over her) to pick on someone her own size.
Then inexplicably, Brandi, with an open hand, slaps Lisa V right in her face. Lisa V says, “No, no – That’s wrong – And stop it right now.” Brandi keeps telling her to do it to her. Lisa V’s own hand instantly covered her slapped cheek and she tells Brandi that she needs to stop and to quit while she’s ahead. In her TH Lisa V says to Brandi, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Lisa V recognizes that it always goes too far with Brandi. Bloody hell!
The next morning, as they were eating the most ginormous, wonderful looking pancakes you’ve ever seen in your life, Lisa V told Kyle about the big “SlapGate 2015®™©. She said that Brandi was tipsy and that Brandi was trying to kiss her but that Lisa V just wanted her off of her. And then she said that out of nowhere that Brandi just kind of slapped her right on the face. Lisa V says she doesn’t want to overplay it – and that it seemed like Brandi did it to get a reaction out of her. Lisa V says she has never been hit in her life. Kyle says Brandi is mean, she makes up stories, and she doesn’t want to be around that. Lisa V exasperatedly says that she’s, “So over this.”
Brandi is cluing in Yolanda about “SlapGate 2015®™©” too. Brandi explains that she was joking around with her and that she smacked Lisa V. Yolanda wants to understand what Brandi means by “smack.” Brandi demonstrates on herself. Brandi said apologized to Lisa V and told her she could hit her as hard as she wanted but that Lisa V just got upset. Because you know, why on earth would someone 1) get mad over being slapped; and, 2) not want to kiss Brandi? I bet Lisa V wouldn’t want to share a straw with Brandi, either.
In her TH, Yolanda almost screams in an incredulous way, “What do you mean you slapped Lisa Vanderpump in the face? Brandi needs to learn boundaries… Even a joke – Those jokes are not funny.” Oh Yolanda… Brandi IS the joke (as we previously discussed…lol).
Kyle says in her TH, “I don’t know how Brandi is going to try to sugarcoat this – A slap is a slap and that is never ever okay.”
Brandi tries to give Lisa V some flowers but Lisa wants nothing to do with it… Brandi ditches a group dinner with the women and instead goes out with some guy and his hangie down thingie… (The women spontaneously break out into a rousing rendition of the “Hallelujah Chorus.”… Or maybe that was just me… ).. Kim has a heart-to-heart with of all people – Adrienne Maloof… (Huh?) Brandi bellyaches about how everyone else is free to express their feelings about her but that she can’t express her feelings about other people… Lisa R tells Kyle that Brandi has issues about Kim – But that she doesn’t feel like she can talk to Kyle about them… Kyle seems surprised about that – But she really can’t be that surprised, can she?
Well, that’s it for this week – We made it thru “SlapGate 2015®™© and all the rubbish this franchise dishes out but obviously can’t take (or their PR people or alleged ghostwriters if you believe assumptions, innuendo, and gossip). Allegedly and stuff…
Thanks for reading… I know you’re gonna be jealous because Mr. Stars99 made pumpkin bread for me tonight (I could really get used to this trend…lol)… I’m trying not to eat it until I’m finished with this post because I’m using it as an incentive…lol. So if there are more mistakes than usual in this blog – It’s only because I got hungry…lol… Have a most excellent week… Happy Trails!
Shahs of Sunset
What Happened in Turkey (or commonly referred to as “The Return of the Dool”) by Sunny Girl
Just an aside — I love the music at the beginning of the Shahs. So far, during this season, that’s about all I love. Oh, and that fact that we have not yet seen Lochnesa!
Episode 2 begins at Mike and Jessica’s place. They wake up in the morning and Jessica tells Mike that they need to make the bed together. Of course, Mike ignores that and plays with the dog. In his talking head he says “I am the KING!” (Barf) Jessica is making breakfast while Mike watches. Mike is pretty coking talking about the “woman’s jobs” as opposed to the man’s jobs. It looks to me like Mike doesn’t have any jobs.
The talk about how they have become members of Sinai Temple. Jessica tells Mike that she loves that temple and, while it might be awkward at holidays, that’s where they will be attending. Jessica says they will be going to a different temple than Mike’s parents and that Mike needs to cut the apron strings. Mike says Jessica has gotten more assertive. And to that, I say AMEN!
Reza and MJ come to Asa’s house to eat leftovers and discuss the staycation. GG shows up with a baseball cap that says #FART. (I think I would like about 15 of those for Christmas presents. I wonder where she shops.)
They begin talking about Mike and their concerns about him. There is discussion that Mike is drinking too much and pulling away from the group. Reza feels it’s the pressure from Jessica about marriage. GG says Mike wasn’t drunk when he started trouble at the Persian New Year’s party. Reza wants to talk to Mike, because he feels Mike really doesn’t want to get married. That’s when GG drops the bomb. She says Mike tried to “f###” her in Turkey. Bravo shows a flashback to Turkey. It looks everyone id pretty drunk. GG says Mike is grabbing her thongs. Mike is very drunk, leaned over on GG’s arm.
GG says later that night, Mike knocks at GG’s hotel room door and asks her to come to his room. GG, thinking nothing was up, goes. Soon Mike is trying to get on top of her. She says she ran and that was it. GG explains that she feels Mike is like a brother and has a girlfriend and that she never wants to cross that line. (I think I believe her. Didn’t Mike date GG’s sister years ago? Weren’t they workout buddies for awhile?)
Reza asks what they, as a group, are going to do about this. GG says they will do nothing; that it’s on her to handle it. They make a pact. The group of four are going to let GG deal with Mike directly. Asa says “complete trust.” (Complete trust? With this group??)
Next scene is at GG’s apartment. Asifa arrives and GG explains that Asifa will be moving in temporarily. In just the first few minutes, it is clear that Asifa and GG are not going to be great roommates. The ladies sit down to discuss rules. While they are talking, GG shows Asifa the knife named Toucan that she keeps next to the couch. Asifa is shocked and then jokingly worries that GG will kill her in the middle of the night.
MJ visits her client, Kaz. She claims now that she is in a relationship, she keeps running into these hunky, eligible males. I am not sure why this scene was left in the episode – maybe so MJ can explain that Persians are horny. (Can someone tell MJ not to use so much blush? I kept adjusting the color on my TV until I realized it wasn’t my TV!)
Next we see Mike and Jessica at Jessica’s conversion. (Mike looks stalky scary just sitting in the car, watching this, with that cap on.) Jessica is in her final step of conversion to Judaism. She is wrapped in a sheet and must go in the ocean, remove the sheet, and touch the water with all of her body completely three times. When this is done, Jessica will become a Jew. Jessica runs to Mike, crying hysterically after her conversion. I’m not sure exactly why (maybe Mike’s stalky cap????) but what should have been a very moving moment just wasn’t.
Asifa is shopping with Bobby. And, so far, I don’t think I like either of these people. Bobby does seem to have a little more sense than Asifa when he tells her she must control herself. (Also, what was that with Asifa telling the sales clerk that she wears a size 0 or double 0. I call bull. My granddaughter is 11, weighs 75 lbs and wears a bigger size than that.) Anyway. Bobby tells Asifa she has a 60 day probation period (or what??) and it consists of Asifa must 1) control her tongue, 2) get along with Bobby’s mother 3) be nice to the dog and 4) start working on an MBA. Asifa is reluctant to commit to that and says to Bobby that she is a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets. She thinks that should be all Bobby should want.
Now the Staycation begins with Asa and GG arriving first. They hurry to choose the nicest bedrooms. Soon Mike and Jessica arrive. Mike says in his talking head scene that GG is acting strange and wonders why she gives him a fist pump and not a hug. Then Mike sees Asa’s henna art on her arms and feet. He asks the Persian Pop Priestess to give him good vibes.
Next up – Reza, Adam and MJ arrive. Then Bobby and Asifa show up. We see Jessica telling Mike quietly “no drama”. Mike claims he won’t start anything but he sure will end it. Reza starts a conversation between Mike and Bobby, thinking he could clear the air so the staycation will be a success. Not sure who Reza thought he was vacationing with. Mike states that Bobby owes him an apology.
Soon Asifa is riling things up by saying that Jessica owes an apology to Bobby because she scratched his back. Reza’s comments are that Jessica does not know how to escalate, not diffuse. There are screaming voices between the two girls that shut down my brain and I could no longer hear. It might have something to do with Asifa calling Jessica an “orangatang.” Yep. It’s an ape that drinks powdered orange drink.
I do have to give Mike credit when he asks Bobby to step away from the crowd. I believe he had good intentions to try to work things out so that they could be around each other. Yeah, that didn’t work.
Soon, we see Asa and MJ getting ready for dinner. MJ scares me sometimes. MJ is actually contouring her upper arms with makeup so they will look smaller.
Everyone is coming downstairs for dinner. I just want to say that the table and food for this meal are exceptional! The table is elegant and the food looks amazing. When everyone is seated Reza states that he wants everyone to break bread Persian style and get along. He offers a toast to Jessica for converting to Judaism. (Does anyone else notice that Mike and the Mike lookalike, Shervin, are wearing the same shirt?)
Bobby is asked what he does for a living. He replies that he owned a chain of retail stores that he just sold. Then he is asked about how he and Asifa got married. It seems they were in Vegas together when they went to a chapel on the spur of the moment. Their cab driver was their witness. Their parents were extremely unhappy, not about the wedding, but because they weren’t there.
Of course, this discussion leads to Adam asking Asa to be the maid of honor at their wedding. (As Persian Pop Priestess, shouldn’t she be the one to officiate???) She says she is honored.
Throughout the dinner, you can see Mike copping an attitude and drinking too much. Jessica keeps telling him to calm down and not cause any drama. Jessica has to leave that night but tells Reza and MJ to keep Mike in line.
Soon MJ is once again talking about the Dool. This is a very common Persian theme, isn’t it?
All in all, this was a pretty tame episode. I am surprised (although not shocked) that the Dool was the biggest theme of this episode. I am also surprised (and VERY shocked) that we are two episodes in and we have not seen Lochnesa. However, my bets are that we will see her very, very soon. Until next week then! By the way, with a view like the one above, how could anyone stay mad?