Real Housewives of New York City
“The B is back!” – S7E1
Welcome Back New York City! How exciting! I mean Season 6 left us with so many unanswered questions – But the BIGGEST question had to be… Is there even going to be a Season 7? Ratings were down… The housewives themselves were going through some major life changes – And I don’t just mean just Botox and plastic surgery…
Through it all, the planets managed to align and we have lucky Season 7. Plus, they somehow were able to entice Bethenny to come back… Who would have thought? They even entitled the first episode “The B is back.” Of course this implies Bethenny’s a “B***” since it’s obviously referencing a classic Elton John song – Btw, I found this amazing footage from a 1986 Joan Rivers show wherein Elton is singing and Joan is singing along – At the very end they are joined by someone who wonders if you can turn back time… Enjoy!
This season, our beloved Empress of Aiken (http://realhousewifeofaiken.com/) and I have decided to join our formidable forces together (Ya’ll should be very, very afraid…lol) to bring you each week’s happenings from “the city that never sleeps”… This week, it’s my turn… (Insert maniacal laff here…) Bwahahaaaaa… “Start Spreading the News”…
Season 7 Taglines
Kristen: “Pretty – Is smarter than you think.”
Ramona: “I know I’m a piece of work – But now, I’m a work in progress.”
Dorinda: “I give uptown a whole new attitude.”
Heather: “I’m stronger than anything in my way. Holla!”
Bethenny: “I’m not a housewife – But I AM real.”
Carole: “All play and no work makes me a happy girl.”
LuAnn: “One should know… Never count out the Countess.”
Sonja: “My yacht may have sailed – But my ship is comin’ in!”
Remember Last Season…
Aviva attempted to besmirch Carole’s professional livelihood by accusing her that she used a ghostwriter for her book(s)… Puhleeze… We saw entirely too much of Sonja in her “Caburlesque” Ummm… show… We’ll just call it a show, okay?… Carole was queen of the Mermaid Parade… We learned that new girl Kristen and her “Blue Suede Shoes” have a “Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love” for Elvis and would love to say to him – C’mon, “Don’t Be Cruel” – “Love Me Tender” and “Be My Teddy Bear.” Alas, poor Kristen is heading for “Heartbreak Hotel.”
Oh, and we had splashes… Kristen splashed Ramona… Ramona splashed Kristen… And, as recently noted, while it’s true that Lisa R on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills threw an actual glass and the wine in it on their show and no one was hurt – Last season, Ramona threw a plastic glass of wine at Kristen and actually drew blood (#TryHarderLisaR #LoveYa)…
When the group was vacationing at the Berkshires at Heather’s family home, Ramona ordered an air conditioner to be delivered to her room… This was just before she left the group and the Berkshires via a private airplane she had on “stand-by”… That’s just how she rolls, I guess…
At one point, I hear most of the women went up to Saratoga – And their horse naturally won – Well, except for Sonja’s…(Sorry, obligatory “You’re So Vain reference:
… Then, we all witnessed a truly cringe-worthy moment (in light of their current state of “affairs”) when Mario heartfully (Cough, Cough) sang “Effortless” to Ramona (Ack… Gag… Gurgle…) But Heather shocked the heck out of us when she belted out a fabulously awesome rendition of “Won’t You Come Home, Bill Bailey”… Who knew she could even sing? And better than almost every other housewife on every other franchise (Except for the obvious, Kandi)…
There was also the trip to some tumbleweeds in Montana that everyone was oh, so thrilled about. Aviva carried around x-rays and an asthma inhaler to prove that she couldn’t go on the trip… In the finale, Aviva threw her prosthetic leg for no apparent reason… and Bravo threw her and her creepy dad off the show.
Bethenny is back! Yay! So of course, the first scene is of her… As she checks into the Presidential Suite of the Essex House, she is already complaining to us that she’s homeless and has been in transition for over 2 years… Poor baby… I suppose technically that the word “homeless” does mean “without a home” – But let’s be honest… Most would also attribute words like “penniless” or “poor” or “living on the streets” to complete a truly “homeless” picture. It feels a tad tone deaf for a multi-millionaire to refer to themselves as “homeless” especially as an opening ironic joke for a TV show. The joke is not lost on us – We’re just not laffin’. Perhaps you should go and serve a couple meals at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter and see if you still want to joke about being homeless again.
Seriously, there is NO reason for Bethenny to be “homeless” for that length of time. There is such a thing as month-to-month rental agreements and 6 month leases… I love me some Bethenny – But I think she really reentered this show on the wrong foot with this storyline – I’m tired of it already. #PoorLittleRichGirl.
She explains later in the episode about how difficult it is for her to be without a home while her ex-husband is living in the apartment wherein she picked every tile, screw and finish. She worked all her life to be able to buy an apartment like that – And she’s not the one living there. Now, while I probably would not want to live there because of the bad memories associated with the marital breakup… It’s completely understandable how cranky Bethenny must be about it. It irritates me that it seems Jason thinks he’s entitled to so much – When all he really did was to enter the game long after Bethenny had already worked hard to get up to the 95 yard line and then he was only there for the last 5 yards. Sure, it happened to include the big sale of the alcohol portion of the Skinny Girl products – But come the heck on… I’m not sure what he’s exactly demanding at this point… But it’s not like they were married for years and years… I wonder how he sleeps at night? I know there are two sides to every story – But we’ve witnessed quite a bit of their lives as it unfolded on national TV. The thing is… They both should be aware that their daughter will one day know all about this mess… She will have questions… She will have feelings… Both of them had better check themselves.
We see a brief glimpse into Kristen’s life which seems every bit as hectic as it ever was. Her son, Cash, is now 6 and her daughter, Kingsley, is now 2. Fortunately, with a lot of physical therapy and other interventions – Kingsley is up and running around like a 2-year-old should. That’s so awesome! Kristen tells us that Josh has changed a lot, too – It seems like he’s taking more of a direct interest in caring for the day-to-day needs of the kids which frees up Mommy to be able to get out more often. Woo hoo!
Heather, Carole, Kristen and LuAnn all meet at “Strand.” Evidently, Carole is on a cucumber, vodka and butter diet. I’m sure she’s lost a lot of weight on that because the thought of it makes me nauseated. Carole’s hair has gone blonde – I think because she wants to sit on the blonde side of the couch at the Reunion now that Aviva is gone.
LuAnn tells the women that they’re all invited to her new “fresh start” house in the Hamptons for a housewarming party. She has invited everyone – Even those she’s not especially getting along with at the moment (No names mentioned, Sonja.). And since she’s not there – They all begin to talk about Sonja behind her back. They just couldn’t wait to gossip about some of Sonja’s recent antics which they read about in various magazines, tabloids, etc. It doesn’t seem like Sonja is on good terms with any of them at this point. Heather says she had been supportive and protective of Sonja – But she is not going to enable and sweep crap under the carpet any more. #LumpyCarpet They try overly hard to prove they’re kewl by talking about Tinder accounts. Yawn.
Now our attention is back on Bethenny who is preparing to host a cocktail party. She panics because she doesn’t have any ice. Huh? Oh come the heck on… The ONE universal thing every dang hotel has – Is ice – Vats of ice – So excuse me that I don’t get all flipped out about how your assistant will probably have to walk down the hall and get all the ice you could ever want in your entire life…
LuAnn arrives first to the party and has a chance to sit and chat with Bethenny about various things. I was surprised to learn that LuAnn and Jacques lived together for 4 years. Did we know this? I knew they were probably living together at some point – But 4 years? Yikes!… LuAnn explained they were bickering with each other a lot and that’s why they broke up. She said they loved each other enough to know that their relationship wasn’t really working for either one of them. Bethenny concludes that the message must be that love really isn’t enough. But that contradicts the Captain and Tennille song, “Love Will Keep Us Together.” My whole philosophy on love and life is now shattered, tyvm. LuAnn invites Bethenny to her housewarming party in the Hamptons.
Bethenny explains that she’s not officially divorced yet and confirms they have no friendship at this point, either. She thinks she will be on the other side of things in about 6 months. She expresses that she feels like she’s starting all over again.
Bethenny asks about the other women. LuAnn tells her that Sonja has changed and has not been nice to The Countess. They both acknowledge that Ramona must be going thru hell at the moment. Bethenny tells us she has always called LuAnn “Switzerland” because she likes to vacation there and she doesn’t like to get into fights and stuff with the other women. Bethenny obviously hasn’t watched the shows after she left, right?
Sonja and Ramona get together for coffee… They haven’t seen each other in a long time. They both tell each other how wonderful they look. Ramona tries to express to Sonja how she feels like her whole world has fallen apart. She mentions how she and Mario had been together for 25 years. Sonja decides this would be a great time to get into a pissing match about how difficult her own divorce was – And then she tries her hardest to make the math about how long she knew her ex-husband before they got married + the time they were actually married – To be more than or equal to Ramona’s 25 years with Mario… But Sonja failed miserably.
Now Sonja is wildly entertaining to me for the most part – But Sonja kept trying to make the entire conversation to be about her – And it didn’t appear to me that she was actually even listening to the heart of what Ramona was saying. It was like Sonja was trying to one-up Ramona the whole time. It was weird. Sonja thinks Ramona should trust her advice. I try my hardest not to laff out loud.
Ramona was close to tears… It’s got to be tough to go through this on national TV. She knows she renewed her vows in front of this same audience a couple of seasons ago. I never understood why they renewed their vows on their 17th anniversary – It seemed wonky at the time. And if the rumors are true and Mario has been stepping out on her for a number of years – It’s just plain creepy to me now.
To me, the best thing about this entire conversation was when Ramona acknowledges that she previously allowed Mario to control what she said about his indiscretion – But that she’s not going to allow him to do that anymore. Personally, I think it’s probably very short-sighted of both Bethenny and Ramona to come on this show right now – Since neither of their divorces is finalized. I think both exes have the potential to be very litigious – And since they don’t have similar shows wherein they can have similar access to state their side of the story – This could go really badly for one or both of our beloved housewives. I hope I’m wrong…
Sonja tells Ramona that she wants Ramona to jump in to defend her when the girls inevitably start quizzing her about her products and when they start telling her how they’re concerned that she’s going to lose her house. Sonja wants Ramona to say, “Guys, she knows what she’s doing – She’s a movie producer, she’s a business woman…”
Okay, okay, okay… I just had to stop right there. Who on EARTH could possibly say that with a straight face? And why can’t I get the theme from “The Twilight Zone” out of my head? It’s like we’ve been magically transported to “The Sonja Zone” or something.
Fortunately, Ramona was able to maintain a straight face and say that she has a new attitude. She has decided not to get involved in other people’s fights because she has enough battles of her own going on at the moment. Now, most normal people would stop right then and there and recognize the truth of Ramona’s words. But not our little Sonja…
Sonja tells us that it really hurts her because she feels like she’s always been there for Ramona and that she’s always stuck up for her even when she was wrong. Sonja insists that Ramona needs to say when the girls are attacking Sonja, “Listen girls, she lives in a beautiful home, she supports herself and her daughter – And her daughter’s stable and doing well.” I got to admit that it made me laff that it was the daughter who was stable and doing well – and not Sonja. But I guess that it would be just too farfetched to say something like that… Ramona says she’s “Got it.” Sonja cautions her not to say things like, “She has a great toaster oven.” Ramona assures her she’s got it… Ramona – How could you NOT get it? I mean, she even gave you a script! Lol…
Carole meets with her editor, Barbara Jones, who is not especially happy with her at the moment. Evidently, Carole has been doing a lot of playing and not a lot of writing. I’m thinking it’s kind of not a good idea to ignore it when your editor calls you. Barbara wants to know when she can expect to get the 2nd book. Carole tells us that 80,000 words were due to Barbara 6 months ago and so far she only has the Table of Contents written…lol.
To be fair, creative writing is tough to do when under a time crunch. It’s like your mind, your thought processes, your emotions, and your physical body all have to align in order “to birth a book.” I used to have this frustration when completing various creative writing projects at work. It’s difficult to create something from nothing under deadline pressures. Some are great at editing existing work – But it’s a whole nuther Oprah to create something out of nothing yourself. Now, Carole acknowledges that she’s been MIA and that her work is tardy but she tries to explain that she’s been asked to write the screenplay for the pilot episode for the TV series they want to do based on her previous book. Undeterred, Barbara tells Carole that she is going to put her on a strict schedule and she emphasizes that if she misses a deadline that it will become a legal problem. Rut roh. Barbara says that she gave Carole too long of a leash…. And now it’s a much shorter leash. Carole seems surprised by this.
Ramona visits her good friend Dorinda. She has known her for years and calls her “Uptown Chic.” Ramona talks about her situation with Mario. Fortunately, Dorinda seems like a good listener. Ramona says that she could forgive Mario for cheating. What she can’t forgive him for is that he is blaming his cheating on Ramona. Evidently, the gooberhead didn’t like the way Ramona was treating him. Poor, poor Mario. How many of us saw his obvious roving eye anytime someone with breasts and a pulse walked by? Mario told Ramona that he was very angry and he just held everything in. Ramona thinks he was disrespectful to his family. Now Ramona may have her quirks and be tough to live with in some ways – But I’m sure he is, too.
Dorinda is giving Ramona exactly what she needs at the moment – A listening ear and a compassionate heart. Dorinda tells Ramona things like she’s been a good friend to him and a great partner. They talk about how divorce is like a death. Dorinda knows about both since she got divorced from one husband and the other died a few years ago. Dorinda is inspirational to Ramona because she has been through both of these tragedies and she still has a smile on her face. Ramona feels like she has tried to do everything she could to save her marriage.
Oh good – We get to really meet Dorinda and her daughter, Hannah. Dorinda was married to Hannah’s father until Hannah was 5… They got divorced and then she married Richard when Hannah was 11. Unfortunately, Richard tragically died 3 years ago. After his death, Hannah decided she needed to take some time off from college to “find herself.” She lives with her mom now. Dorinda is not sure what “finding yourself on the upper east side” means… But okay.
Evidently, our little Hannah likes to go shopping with her Mother’s credit card. Dorinda is not okay with this. Dorinda wants to return a Fendi bag because it has a tongue hanging out of it… It’s kind of quirky. Hannah says that she’ll keep it – Dorinda says that if Hannah wants to keep it then she will have to pay for it. Hannah seemingly doesn’t understand and says, “You birthed me – Why do you charge me for living?” I’m dying laffin’… Dorinda admits she created a monster because she wanted to give Hannah everything that she didn’t have when she was a child… Yeah, that rarely works out well…
Hannah agrees to go with Dorinda to return the Fendi bag but she tells her she doesn’t want her to make a scene. I can totally see Dorinda making a scene and I can’t wait for them…lol. Hannah tells Dorinda that she just can’t bulldoze people until they do what she wants them to do… Dorinda disagrees. Rut Roh.
Later on, Dorinda visits her boyfriend John Mahdessian, owner of Madame Paulette, the leading cleaning and restoration establishment of worldwide couture garments in the Upper East Side (According to her Bravo Bio which can be accessed at: http://www.bravotv.com/people/dorinda-medley). I think this is all just a fancy way of saying that he’s a dry cleaner and a tailor of couture garments. This must be really tough work because the people who have the money to buy couture garments tend to be very picky about them.
Okay, I hear “The Sonja Zone” music playing again so we must be visiting Sonja who is trying to convince us that she’s been “crazy busy” for the last 6 months – And I don’t mean just because her tooth fell out again. According to Sonja, she’s been running her homes in Colorado and New York… She’s been building new businesses… Taking care of her daughter… And training her interns… Whew… I’m exhausted… Aren’t you? I mean she has like 87 interns – So I can see how training them would be exhausting.
Sonja decides one of her interns knows too much and so she decides she has to kill him like on that TV series she’s watching… “The Game of Thorns” – (Yep… I meant to type “Thorns” instead of “Thrones” because that’s what she said and it’s what my closed captioning said she said…lol)…
And in tonight’s edition of, “I Kid You Not” – Sonja amusingly says of herself, I KID YOU NOT, “I used to be classy – But now I’m trashy.” Whoa… Evidently, LuAnn was wrong – Money DOES buy you class, my friend…lol…
As Sonja gets a gold facial (The platinum facial was last week and the human placenta facial was another time altogether… Ugh! – And I bet you think I’m joking…lol…), Sonja chats with her facialist, Satoko, and an intern about various subjects. She boasts that she successfully sold her home in France. She doesn’t think that most people understand the stories written about her in the tabloids. Wait… Are the stories wrong? Or are you saying people in general don’t have the brains to understand the complexities that comprise your life? I gotta admit – I find it difficult to understand Sonja half the time, too.
Sonja delusionally says that people don’t sue you because you didn’t do the deal – They sue you because you have the money to pay them… Actually, Sonja – That can’t be true otherwise we’d all just sue everyone who was rich for no apparent reason. You first have to have some sort of cause to file the lawsuit, no? She doesn’t feel like any of the girls are supporting her through the trauma that she’s been going through in her life so she’s done telling any of them anything…lol.
Sonja says she’s working on “an international fashion lifestyle brand”… I wonder if the “J” in Sonja is dotted… Oh whew, she has a branding expert AND she has a marketing expert. Awesome. Sonja can’t wait to be successful because as she says of the other housewives, “Boy, will they eat crow when I show them.” We’re all holding our breath…lol. Actually, I really do hope that one of these projects really works out for her – I’d love to see her be successful.
Awww… And we end the show with Bethenny looking for an office with a home feel to it. Some of the mystery is solved about why she’s still without a home at this point – When she finally clues us in that she can’t live in her old Tribeca apartment (Her future ex-husband is currently living there) and she bought a new apartment in SoHo that’s being renovated. OMG… Bethenny, my friend… Don’t you think it’s a bit unfair to ask viewers to feel sorry that you change your underwear in the back of a car when YOU, YOURSELF made that decision by buying an apartment that required significant renovations? Puhleeze. Fredrik from Million Dollar Listing is helping her find some office space on a rainy day. They find something, and the conversation with the listing agent turns into them talking about fetishes after Fredrik says that he gets aroused when he negotiates the prices of properties. The other guy says he likes legs. Bethany says she likes big butts (and she cannot lie – Sorry, I couldn’t resist). Fredrik says he likes big hands. I’m wondering if anyone really knows the meaning of “fetish” at this point. But maybe it’s me who doesn’t know… But I’m not especially eager about looking it up on the internet at this moment – I shudder to think what some key word searches would turn up…lol…
We also find out that Bethenny bought a home in the Hamptons last summer. Okay wait… If you own a home – By definition – You’re not homeless, yo. Frederik offers Bethenny a bedroom at his house… Bethenny finds out that Frederik and his husband want to start a family. She half-jokingly offers to be their surrogate. She bemoans that she’s on the last legs of being able to have a baby. She recognizes that currently, she doesn’t even have some of the stable things she needs to be able to offer the daughter she already has much less to meet the requirements of a new baby.
Bethenny is crying because she wants her life back – She doesn’t want the same life – But a new life. Fredrik is incredulous that she’s been living in hotels for over 2 years. They joke about eggs… And about how Bethenny thinks the couple of “eggs” she has left would make really good omelets.
Evidently, when Sonja stays at Ramona’s house in the Hamptons, she has a certain room she always stays in… However, on this trip, Ramona gave that room to Dorinda so Sonja is banished downstairs… She’s so not happy… Carole tells us that she is very attracted to very attractive men – And some fresh meat mistakenly wanders into the cougar den and everyone begins to salivate, drool and I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t start circling him. I think it was Heather who mimicked the “You had me at hello” line from the move, “Jerry Maguire” and charmingly said, “He had me at merlot.” I chuckled… Ramona tells LuAnn she owes her “the biggest apology”… but LuAnn will never forget what Ramona has done to her in the past… Bethenny and Ramona are already butting heads… Bethenny reminds us that she came up with the name, “Ramona-Coaster” for a reason… Bethenny gently breaks it to Ramona that she doesn’t… like… Wanna hang out with her… lol… We haven’t seen LuAnn’s great quote yet, “Be cool. Don’t be all, like… Uncool.” #DailyGoal
Well, that’s it for this week! Woo hoo! They’re back! It was a fun episode to watch, no?… I didn’t even throw anything at the TV… Plus, I only yelled a couple of times – Well, maybe 4 times… But that’s still pretty good – Considering… Next week should be a fun one! Thanks so much for reading…
I’m new on Twitter and I’d love to follow you… @StarsNinetyNine… Hope to see you next week… Happy Trails!